Itsme
05-28-2006, 09:00 AM
Summer is the season for the queries from the clueless
Off the map
May 28, 2006
This is Memorial Day weekend, so it's time to stock up. You need:
Sunscreen for the beach.
Comfy shoes for the fair.
Goofy hats for Del Mar's opening day.
Oodles of patience for CVS.
We first reported on Clueless Visitor Syndrome in 2003, relaying some of the wacky questions posed by tourists here. CVS has no cure, unfortunately, and in recent years the outbreaks have become more severe, the questions less coherent.
How is CVS treated? With patience and dignity, say employees of the San Diego Convention & Visitors Bureau's International Visitor Information Center; the San Diego Zoo; the Old Town Trolley Tours; the Greek Islands Cafe; the San Diego Natural History Museum; SeaWorld; and the Boosters of Old Town. Listen to the victim's question, try to answer, and try even harder not to burst out laughing.
“These are from people who are procreating, driving cars, et cetera,” said Jerry G. Bishop, who owns Greek Islands Cafe. “Scary.”
But, our sources insist, the poor souls who asked the questions reprinted here were absolutely serious. If you doubt that anyone could be this clueless, ask someone who's survived a tourist season at a museum, amusement park or information center.
They've heard dumber questions.
Off the map
“We're heading home to Arizona, do we take I-8 West or I-8 East?”
“Can you take this tour backwards?”
“Are the beaches warmer inland?”
“Where is the original poinsettia plant located?”
“How many oceans does San Diego have?”
Crossing the San Diego-Coronado Bridge: “Is this the ocean or a river?”
Standing at a staircase in the zoo: “Is this down?”
By the numbers
“How big are those 12-inch sandwiches?”
“How long is the 35-minute bus tour?”
“How long is the two-hour tour?”
Emergency! Call the museum!
“There is a large spider under my oven. Can you help me?”
“Why aren't my hamsters mating?”
“I'm with a school group at the Lily Pond. One of the students dropped his glasses into the pond. Can you bring a net to fish them out for us?”
“Is it safe for me to use Nair on my cat?”
A caller who had heard about the Genome exhibit: “What is a gnome?”
A caller who had misheard about the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit: “What are the Dead Sea Squirrels?”
Information, puh-leeze!
“Where do you put Shamu when it rains so he doesn't get all wet?”
“Who teaches the seals how to honk?”
“What hotel is the Miramar Air Show in?”
“Can you tell me where I can find an educational program for picking oranges?”
“I'm looking for an educational trade show where they carry Elmer's Glue.”
“Is there spinach in the spinach pie?”
“My friend is visiting San Diego, but I don't know where he is staying – and I don't know his last name.”
“Why is your office called 'International Visitor Info Center' if you don't have information on Oklahoma?”
Foreign tourist seeking diving competition: “I want to go to that jumping-in-the-water festival.”
Offers we must refuse
“I have a Russian space shuttle for sale – are you interested in a new attraction for San Diego?”
“This is a bag of vomit from my child. Can you identify the bugs that are in it?”
“Do you want to see my bug bites?”
Failures to communicate
Q. “I want to get in a cage with the lions.”
A. “We don't have that opportunity in San Diego.”
Q. “I saw it on TV!”
Q. “Is it raining inside the zoo?”
A. “Yes.”
Q. “What time will it stop?”
Q. “What time will the panda wake up?”
A. “Well, whenever he wants!”
Announcement before museum screens movie: “No food or drink is allowed in the theater.”
Silence.
Then, a little girl's voice: “My Mom has a Coke!”
Naked truth
“I don't want you to think I'm weird, but I have this skin condition that only clears up in the sunlight. Do you have a nude beach?”
“I am coming to San Diego, and my friend is no longer there. Will there be someone there to escort me to Black's Beach when I arrive?”
Revolting fashionistas
“I'm calling from Canada. Is is acceptable to wear Navy blue in November?”
“There must be someone there in the Marketing Department that's fashionable and around 30. I need to know what they're wearing at the beach and around town.”
“Where do fat people go in San Diego?”
Unfortunately, the tragedy of CVS is not limited to San Diego. All across the country, staffers at tourist attractions are girding for the next major outbreak.
The tension is brutal. In Charlottesville, Va., a tour guide at Monticello still remembers the mistake he made a few seasons back. While escorting a group through Thomas Jefferson's home, the guide mentioned that our third president once claimed he was “afflicted with bibliomania.”
A stunned tourist blurted out, “What disease did you say Jefferson caught in the library?”
Off the map
May 28, 2006
This is Memorial Day weekend, so it's time to stock up. You need:
Sunscreen for the beach.
Comfy shoes for the fair.
Goofy hats for Del Mar's opening day.
Oodles of patience for CVS.
We first reported on Clueless Visitor Syndrome in 2003, relaying some of the wacky questions posed by tourists here. CVS has no cure, unfortunately, and in recent years the outbreaks have become more severe, the questions less coherent.
How is CVS treated? With patience and dignity, say employees of the San Diego Convention & Visitors Bureau's International Visitor Information Center; the San Diego Zoo; the Old Town Trolley Tours; the Greek Islands Cafe; the San Diego Natural History Museum; SeaWorld; and the Boosters of Old Town. Listen to the victim's question, try to answer, and try even harder not to burst out laughing.
“These are from people who are procreating, driving cars, et cetera,” said Jerry G. Bishop, who owns Greek Islands Cafe. “Scary.”
But, our sources insist, the poor souls who asked the questions reprinted here were absolutely serious. If you doubt that anyone could be this clueless, ask someone who's survived a tourist season at a museum, amusement park or information center.
They've heard dumber questions.
Off the map
“We're heading home to Arizona, do we take I-8 West or I-8 East?”
“Can you take this tour backwards?”
“Are the beaches warmer inland?”
“Where is the original poinsettia plant located?”
“How many oceans does San Diego have?”
Crossing the San Diego-Coronado Bridge: “Is this the ocean or a river?”
Standing at a staircase in the zoo: “Is this down?”
By the numbers
“How big are those 12-inch sandwiches?”
“How long is the 35-minute bus tour?”
“How long is the two-hour tour?”
Emergency! Call the museum!
“There is a large spider under my oven. Can you help me?”
“Why aren't my hamsters mating?”
“I'm with a school group at the Lily Pond. One of the students dropped his glasses into the pond. Can you bring a net to fish them out for us?”
“Is it safe for me to use Nair on my cat?”
A caller who had heard about the Genome exhibit: “What is a gnome?”
A caller who had misheard about the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit: “What are the Dead Sea Squirrels?”
Information, puh-leeze!
“Where do you put Shamu when it rains so he doesn't get all wet?”
“Who teaches the seals how to honk?”
“What hotel is the Miramar Air Show in?”
“Can you tell me where I can find an educational program for picking oranges?”
“I'm looking for an educational trade show where they carry Elmer's Glue.”
“Is there spinach in the spinach pie?”
“My friend is visiting San Diego, but I don't know where he is staying – and I don't know his last name.”
“Why is your office called 'International Visitor Info Center' if you don't have information on Oklahoma?”
Foreign tourist seeking diving competition: “I want to go to that jumping-in-the-water festival.”
Offers we must refuse
“I have a Russian space shuttle for sale – are you interested in a new attraction for San Diego?”
“This is a bag of vomit from my child. Can you identify the bugs that are in it?”
“Do you want to see my bug bites?”
Failures to communicate
Q. “I want to get in a cage with the lions.”
A. “We don't have that opportunity in San Diego.”
Q. “I saw it on TV!”
Q. “Is it raining inside the zoo?”
A. “Yes.”
Q. “What time will it stop?”
Q. “What time will the panda wake up?”
A. “Well, whenever he wants!”
Announcement before museum screens movie: “No food or drink is allowed in the theater.”
Silence.
Then, a little girl's voice: “My Mom has a Coke!”
Naked truth
“I don't want you to think I'm weird, but I have this skin condition that only clears up in the sunlight. Do you have a nude beach?”
“I am coming to San Diego, and my friend is no longer there. Will there be someone there to escort me to Black's Beach when I arrive?”
Revolting fashionistas
“I'm calling from Canada. Is is acceptable to wear Navy blue in November?”
“There must be someone there in the Marketing Department that's fashionable and around 30. I need to know what they're wearing at the beach and around town.”
“Where do fat people go in San Diego?”
Unfortunately, the tragedy of CVS is not limited to San Diego. All across the country, staffers at tourist attractions are girding for the next major outbreak.
The tension is brutal. In Charlottesville, Va., a tour guide at Monticello still remembers the mistake he made a few seasons back. While escorting a group through Thomas Jefferson's home, the guide mentioned that our third president once claimed he was “afflicted with bibliomania.”
A stunned tourist blurted out, “What disease did you say Jefferson caught in the library?”