Affairs (Jokes)

[Jenny]

(I hadn't heard any of these before, I don't think, so they were thoroughly enjoyable. :D )

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!?!?!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[DarkFury]

OBG... all of them. :heh: :laugh:

[bachviet]

Good stuff. :laugh:

[WhiskeyPapa]

An elderly man was searching his closet when he found an old box. In the box were two eggs and over a thousand dollars. He called his wife over and asked her to explain. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for their entire 50 years of marriage. "Why?" the old man asked.

"Everytime I've been unfaithful to you," she admitted, "I'd put an egg in the box."

"Well," he said, "after 50 years of marriage, I'm relieved there's only two eggs. What's with all the money?"

"Whenever I had a full dozen, I'd sell them to the neighbors!"

[nate el bueno]

Heh, I heard that one with Bill Clinton and golf balls.

I can't remember if I heard this one here or not, I hope I didn't.
I had to google a couple of the lines I remembered to find it. It's kind of long, but worth it.

John was a salesman's delight. When it came to any kind of unusual gimmick he would buy it. His wife, Marsha however, had long given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had purchased a robot. It was no ordinary robot he said, 'it was in fact a Lie Detector Robot'
Marsha wanted to try it out there and then, but unfortunately it needed to be charged first. After 4 to 5 hours later, the robot was fully charged and ready for use.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours late. Both parents were understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
Tommy replied; 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy with a crafty smile on his face.
Just then, the Robot walked around the table and banged Tommy on his head, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, (said John) this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'err..We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie' (The Robot stayed silent)
'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments said Tommy quickly.' At that, the Robot whirred up, went around to Tommy and once again banged him on the head and again knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures, tell dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.' He looked quickly at the Robot, but it was too late. The robot walked around to John and knocked him so hard, that he came flying off the chair, out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too angry with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot walked around to Marsha, and kicked her, not once, but three times

[Jenny]

ROFLMAO That's an awesome one nate. :D

[The Happy Squirrel]

hehe heard it before might have been here

[SteveB]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

[nate el bueno]

This is KIND OF along these lines, so I'll share it. This was a conversation between this girl and I when she was talking about her ex.
Caitlin: "I like my men like I like my coffee".
Nate: "Is this where you say strong and black?"
"Caitlin: "No, ground up and in the freezer."

haha didn't see that one coming