View Full Version : Jokes to keep you awake
Chinpoko_Mon
04-08-2001, 12:14 AM
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Chinpoko_Mon
04-08-2001, 12:22 AM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
an irish mormon? hehe....
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?
The Happy Squirrel
04-08-2001, 02:00 AM
*sahkes head*
hmmm i dont get it
oh my god im a moron
<i was very tired that night>
[Edited by The Happy Squirrel on 04-09-2001 at 02:20 PM]
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset you idiot
You're certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ....and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me = I did something you're not gonna like
I'll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat = Tell me I'm beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening ? = Too late, you're dead meat
I'm not yelling = Yes I'm yelling because I think this is important
--------------------------
POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = It's just that you're an *******
------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I'm bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let's have sex now
I Love you too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can't tell any difference
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I'm a deep person and maybe you'd like to have sex with me
(While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let's go home.
cruelpupet
04-08-2001, 02:57 AM
fav joke of one of my ex's
two peanuts are walking down the street.....one was a salted
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I
the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fscking yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks. What the fsck were you thinking, you fat son of a b*tch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fscking year to come out with some sh*t like this under the tree.
As if you hadn't fscked me enough, you gave that little f*ggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat *ss down my chimney next year. I'll fsck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fscking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fscking bike.
FsCK YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-
A-B*TCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
gwilks98
04-08-2001, 04:14 PM
Originally posted by m0j0
FsCK YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-
A-B*TCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Is little Johnny a Philadelphia Eagles fan, by any chance?
gwilks98
04-08-2001, 04:15 PM
Originally posted by m0j0
an irish mormon? hehe....
My boss is a scottish mormon. Is that weird?
theorangeone
04-08-2001, 04:21 PM
Originally posted by Chinpoko_Mon
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
I've heard this one many a time (being an irish drinker), but always with the ending "I've given drinking up for Lent." Same punch tho.
haha the peanuts one, hahahah
The Happy Squirrel
04-08-2001, 05:08 PM
heheh that santa joke is messed up man
hehehe
stupidzbu
04-08-2001, 06:31 PM
Originally posted by UT Memo
haha the peanuts one, hahahah
could you explain?!
i REALLY don't get it!
one was a salted... (asaulted)... i think thats what it means... it took a while.. but i think i got it :P
cruelpupet
04-08-2001, 07:16 PM
yea thats the joke a salted --> assaulted
Full Monty
04-08-2001, 10:33 PM
I like this one:
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
The Happy Squirrel
04-08-2001, 10:41 PM
OMG there is this chick i know who always tells that joke
and then falls over laughing hysterically
its a hell of alot more funny to see her rolling on the ground then the joke is
jmac87
04-09-2001, 12:07 AM
That tractor joke is written all over in our library here at the wonderful UCSB. Still funny though.
hapoo
04-09-2001, 12:23 AM
Puns are the lowest form of comedy... (hey i didn't come up with the saying)
topane
04-09-2001, 06:43 AM
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
What's a Yankee?
Same Thing as a Quickie but you do it yourself!
LOL! :)
styleee
04-09-2001, 07:52 AM
Originally posted by topane
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
ewwe, now that's just gross
styleee
04-09-2001, 07:53 AM
i must say i am not impressed with the wit of this group!
"i don't get it"
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 08:09 AM
Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand. But the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.
"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."
"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 08:11 AM
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled ''SURPRISE!'' My entire family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins — and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party"
Originally posted by styleee
i must say i am not impressed with the wit of this group!
"i don't get it"
show us how it's done
Tankman
04-09-2001, 10:05 AM
A Man's Perfect Breakfast
You pour your Wheaties into the bowl and notice your son on the front of the package.
You pick up you Maxim magazine and notice your girlfriend on the cover.
You pour some milk on your cereal and notice your wife is on the back of the carton.
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit
into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power
went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone
button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she
answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the
label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
fabfore1
04-09-2001, 11:11 AM
Senior Moments
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad
you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 11:23 AM
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"
caddelma
04-09-2001, 12:01 PM
If one of my groomsmen had done that it would have been the LAST prank he would have pulled off !!
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 12:08 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
fabfore1
04-09-2001, 12:38 PM
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working
in the kitchen and listening to her son play
with his electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said -
"All of you sons of bitches who want to get off,
get the hell off now cause this is the last stop.
And, all of you *******s who are getting on, get
on now because we're leaving!"
Mother, upon hearing that, went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now, you are to go to your room for two hours and
after that, you may come out and play with your train,
but you must use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. The train
stopped, and the mother heard her son say -
"All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today,
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
to see you again soon.
For all of you who are just boarding, we request
that you store all of your hand luggage underneath
your seat. Please remember there is no smoking
except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us.
For those of you who are pissed off about the two
hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 01:12 PM
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party
lol....reminds me of that one commercial where they are on a date and the girl farted...and there was a couple in the back seat
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 01:37 PM
Could you imagine being the one sitting there at the table and not saying even making a sound or a noise. Too funny!
topane
04-09-2001, 01:53 PM
Robert's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, the dad asked Robert if he got one.
Robert enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 02:07 PM
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''
''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.
''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''
froggystyle
04-09-2001, 02:17 PM
hey jmac87
which library? davidson? i havent seen it
The Poopie List
1- GHOST POOPIE- The kind where you feel the poopie coming out, but there is no poopie in the toilet
2- CLEAN POOPIE- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3- WET POOPIE- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
4- SECOND WAVE POOPIE- This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
5- POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOPIE- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
6- LINCOLN LOG POOPIE- The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush it without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
7- GASSY POOPIE- It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
8- DRINKER POOPIE- The kind og poopie you have the morning after a long night drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
9- CORN POOPIE- (self explanatory)
10- GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE- The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
11- SPINAL TAP POOPIE- That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
12- WET CHEEKS POOPIE- (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
13- LIQUID POOPIE- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
14- MEXICAN POOPIE- It smells so bad that your nose burns.
15- UPPER-CLASS POOPIE- The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.
16- THE SURPRISE POOPIE- You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart but oops!--a poopie
17- THE DANGLING POOPIE- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose....
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-09-2001, 02:35 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
jmac87
04-09-2001, 09:26 PM
Yeah. One of the places I know for sure is on the fourth floor in the corner where the water fountain is. Just get off the elevator and walk all the way to the back. It's the desk where you can look out the window and see down to the main entrance. There's also plenty of other interesting things on that desk.
jmac87
04-09-2001, 09:32 PM
Why do condoms come in a family pack? Isn't that exactly what they are supposed to prevent? :D
welfareloser
04-09-2001, 11:31 PM
what's brown and has holes in it?
swiss shit.
this is one of those special jokes that is so stupid that you laugh at the person who told it, and not the joke itself. i am one of those special people who laughs my butt off after telling this joke. i don't know why. it gets me every time.
gwilks98
04-09-2001, 11:46 PM
Originally posted by welfareloser
what's brown and has holes in it?
swiss shit.
this is one of those special jokes that is so stupid that you laugh at the person who told it, and not the joke itself. i am one of those special people who laughs my butt off after telling this joke. i don't know why. it gets me every time.
Did you see that joke on "Ferocious female freedom fighters" by any chance? (It's a really bad movie overdubbed for the viewer's entertainment)
What's the difference between an "OOO" and an "Aah"?
About 2 inches.
:D
welfareloser
04-09-2001, 11:55 PM
never saw that movie. i got it from a book called blanche knott's trully disgusting jokes or something like that. here's another oldie but goodie:
what's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
snowballs.
yeah! i'm cool.
GraingerGuy
04-10-2001, 01:21 AM
1. A guy walks into a bar......ouch :)
2. There were two guys in a bar and both of them were drunk. One of them turned to the other guy and said, "Guess what! Right now it's a warm night and you can ride the warm air and fly!" The second guys says, "No you can't! Prove it!"
Well, the first guy got onto his barstool and jumped off and stayed in the air. Needless to say the second guy is amazed and says, "Let me try!"
So, this guys stands on his bar stool and jumps.....only to crash down hard on the wood floor below.
The bartender says, "Sheesh superman....you sure are mean when you are drunk." :)
The Happy Squirrel
04-10-2001, 04:23 AM
i heard a variation of that one
two men are sitting in a bar in a high rise complex on the 55th floor
one says to the other
"you know the wind currents in this area are great. you can jump out the window, youll fall five floors and the winds will catch you and wisk you right back up and into the window"
the other man does not believe him so they both go to the window
the first man jumps, falls five floors and then comes right back up
the second man doesnt believe his eyes and still refuese to accpet it
so the first man jumps out agian
he fall five floors exactly and is blown right back up
the second man is now convinced, so he slams the rest of his beer, takes a deep breath and jumps
the first man watches as the second falls five floos, then ten, twenty, thity, forty fifty, and then splatters on the pavement.
the first man goes back to the bar and sits down and sips he beer.
the bartender tells him "you know superman, your an ass when your drunk"
heheh
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-10-2001, 09:19 AM
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''
There was this guy that didnt believe in God walking in the woods one day...he was looking at the gorgeous scenery... the majestic mountains, the beautiful stream, the tall gigantic trees surrounding him, and the bright beautiful sun
shining on his face. then he saw this 10 foot monsterous grizzley bear running towards him. he ran as fast as he could to avoid the bear, dodging trees as he passed by them......until he tripped and fell over some twigs and vegetation. he turned around and saw the humongous bear standing above him and let out a loud roar.
"Oh my God. Oh my God," the aetheist said out loud...
...and the clouds in the sky opened up and rays of sunshine shined on his face and he heard the voice of God, "I suppose you believe in me now?" he said.
"Yes O Lord, i believe in you now. Please, Please, Please... can you have this bear become a catholic too?" hoping that it 'shalt not kill' and allow him to escape.
"Then make it be so," said God and the bear put down his claws that he was about to use to attack the man and instead put his paws together and said, "Thank you, O Lord, for the food you have given to me...."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-10-2001, 10:12 AM
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''
i know this one is kinda worn lately, but some may have not seen it:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer . . .
former VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the
chickens and I will not disappoint them.
President GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government
needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be
denied the right to cross the road in their ownway.
SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help
crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for
these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to "the other side."
That's what "they" call it - "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we
sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook . . . and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
topane
04-10-2001, 10:30 AM
If Operating Systems were Beers
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
i know...halloween was last yr...
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.......
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note
which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-10-2001, 02:36 PM
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ''If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'' The silence was as deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
She was so blond that she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate."
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around & went home.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
She sold her car so she would have gas money.
She looked into a box of Cheerios and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"
She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she can't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of "eternity?" 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do ou call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front.
welfareloser
04-10-2001, 03:49 PM
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
And if you are one of those special people who gets vivid mental pictures from verbal descriptions, that one really will keep you awake tonight...
jmac87
04-11-2001, 01:14 PM
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan who?
Knock Knock.
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What you say!?!" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail"). The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."
GraingerGuy
04-11-2001, 03:50 PM
This is kinda the same as the OS beers.....this is the OS airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket
agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to
know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger
planes and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully
adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."
Originally posted by Full Monty
I like this one:
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
I don't get it.
Originally posted by rum
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."
isn't this the 3rd time in this thread we have seen this one?
oh, and i don't get it
my bad. didn't see it till just now.
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
IrishSS
04-11-2001, 07:51 PM
Originally posted by m0j0
..."Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
ROFL!!! Good one...
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-12-2001, 02:13 PM
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-12-2001, 02:14 PM
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
theHNIC
04-12-2001, 02:18 PM
LOOK IN THE MIRROR
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked, surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed
that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here..."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said, "When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked
away...
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-12-2001, 02:29 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-12-2001, 02:30 PM
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
welfareloser
04-12-2001, 02:35 PM
Originally posted by m0j0
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What you say!?!" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail"). The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."
i have a stoopid story to go with that joke - - - i had this professor in dental school who gave ten-point quizzes twice a week with a one-point extra credit question. your quiz average was 30% of your grade, so an extra 10% on the quizzes was a big deal in the cut-throat competition for gpa rankings. this guy made them absolutely nonsensical, tho, and drove the swingin richards in my class freakin bugshit. he would ask presidential trivia, the length of gestation of a brown rat, geography trivia, his office phone number, anything except something relevant to operative dentistry. one time he gave us this joke, up to: vet: "it was $50 for my opinion, $100 for the labwork, and $350 for the (fill in the blank.)"
i missed that one, unfortunately. he was a cool guy.
oh, and i like the "what you say?!?!?" touch.
Originally posted by ChIcKeN_HaWk
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah, but you started it."
that is hilarious! :heh:
bella
04-12-2001, 03:54 PM
'A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch
pianist. He walks up to the man and says, ''That's amazing how did
you get that.'' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and
make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out
and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, ''I wish I had
a million bucks.'' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will
be granted."
So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and
roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the
man says, ''I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'''
i heard a variation of that on the radio here. it was a large lighter, and the punchline was "you don't really think i wanted a big Bic?"
lol....cracks me up
bella
04-12-2001, 04:21 PM
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter
if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing
agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period
of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good
samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your @$$es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
gwilks98
04-12-2001, 11:30 PM
I saw this on a buddy's away message. It's so random, I thought it was funny.
why cows make great pets
1) hamburger
2) T-bone
3) sirloin
4) milk
5) they play fetch
welfareloser
04-13-2001, 07:26 AM
old, stoopid, and yet still oh so funny...
TEACHER: Can someone use the word "dictate" in a sentence?
KID: I can. Yo, bitch; how my dictate?
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 08:24 AM
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 08:25 AM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, ''Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.'' The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, ''Nope, ain't Bubba.'' The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, ''Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.'' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ''No, it ain't Bubba.'' The mortician asked, ''How can you tell?'' Gomer said, ''Well, Bubba had two *******s.'' ''What? He had two *******s?'' said the mortician. ''Yup, everyone in town knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.''
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?"
The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch."
The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside. A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini."
Virus Warning
-------------
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "Work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry, I'm off to the pub". The "work" should auto- matically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 09:45 AM
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 09:46 AM
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
Jenny
04-13-2001, 10:02 AM
I loved the last 2 CH! :)
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 10:04 AM
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill,
requiring an extensive background check, training and testing before
candidates are even considered for the position.
After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks
and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising
candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine
which of equally qualified candidates would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman.
The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man,
down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying,
"We must be completely assured that you will complete your
assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked
said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife."
The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.
Take your wife and go home."
They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the
instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room
and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door
opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just
couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger
but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're
obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door,
handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you
will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless
of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband,
seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the
gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way the
CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen
shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next
several minutes the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing
and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded
with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The Top 15 Problems with Intel's New Chip
15> The message on your monitor says to tell Keanu Reeves that the office will explode if he types slower than 55 words per minute.
14> Sure, it's fast, but it's prone to premature calculation.
13> Doesn't have a specific plan for improving health care.
12> Only capable of handling 5.2 Windows crashes per day.
11> Never communicates with its motherboard -- despite all those messages she leaves on its answering machine.
10> You do the math. No, seriously -- YOU have to do the math.
9> Incompatible with Microsoft Salsa.
8> Calculated Bill Gates' net worth at only a half a gajillion dollars.
7> Since they added Olestra to the chips, your files don't get backed up any more.
6> There's nothing wrong with it! It's just working faster
than the human eye can see. Yeah, that's the ticket...
faster than the human eye can see.
5> When you boot your PC, the Earth momentarily stops rotating.
4> Runs too hot -- but then again, now you can use your system's floppy disk drive to warm up Pop Tarts.
3> At high processor speeds, the tread comes flying off.
2> Too much Ponch, not enough John.
and the #1 Problem with Intel's New Chip...
1> Critical flaw discovered by scientists at Los Alamos lab:
you can place the three of hearts on the four of diamonds
in Solitaire.
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers -- in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No."
"Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 10:39 AM
A young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly
man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She did, and found that the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!", said the husband,
"and don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
She looked at him, then flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."
With growing excitement he tried them on, just to find he could only get
them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "heck, I can't get into your
panties!" She said, "That's right - and that's the way it's going to
stay until your sodding attitude changes!"
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 10:40 AM
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he
gets to the store he finds out however , that it's closed. So the guy
ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine. While
there he had a few beer and began talking to this beautiful girl.
He had a few more beer and the next thing he knew he was in this
girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing
he knew it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god , my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick
give me some talcum powder!"
She got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands. When he got
home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "Where the
hell have you been!"
He said, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few
drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demanded. He showed his wife
his powdery hands. "Damn liar, You were out bowling again!"
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.
One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"
Barbies
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 10:51 AM
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis
and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his
penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are
you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The
woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was
transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Indianapolis international. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinking buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great...no hangover.
The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.
"I feel great!" he says.
His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?"
"No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff...no hangover. We ought to do this more often.
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 10:57 AM
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash
and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal,
strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a
woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a
woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall muscular man
smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his hughe muscles
even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in
hand says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
"Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-13-2001, 11:01 AM
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a
young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to
his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a
skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with
you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I m
so relieved you feel that way, because he just told
me he thinks you are really cute!"
yet another blonde joke...........
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
this was forwarded to me....
Rely on the waiter's suggestions when you eat out? Beware the wise guy. Consider the man who couldn't make up his mind what to order, no matter how long and hard he studied the menu. Finally, he turned to the waiter for help.
"Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert."
"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?"
"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"
10 Things to do as your Plane goes down:.............
10) Call up someplace really far away on your cell phone.
09) Demand another bag of complementary peanuts
08) Tear open your shirt then announce, "Ah heck, I left my super hero costume at the cleaners!"
07) Write on your arm with a pen, "We were attacked by an alien space ship."
06) Stand up and shout, "Surprise! You're all on Candid Camera!"
05) Pray to all known gods real fast.
04) Wonder why people say to always wear clean underwear because you never know when you'll be in an accident, because you -were- wearing clean underwear up until you realized you were about to die rendering the whole clean underwear idea irrelevant.
03) Scream out, "Last one to the Pearly Gates is a rotten egg!"
02) Scream out, "Make that, last one to plunge into the pit of eternal flaming damnation is a rotten egg!"
01) Just plain old scream.
gwilks98
04-13-2001, 09:06 PM
warning: I tell the types of jokes that would get me boo'd off the stage in Philadelphia.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made an excellent offer on your shoes.
A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him.
He said, "What was that for?"
She replied, "Poor bed partner!"
He thought about that for a few days, then he suddenly whacked her.
"What was that for?" she exclaimed.
He answered, "For knowing the difference!"
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was just so cold and raining that he decided to return back to his house. He entered, went to his bedroom, undressed and slipped into bed beside his wife.
"God this is terrible weather today, honey." he said.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"
Two immigrants that had just gotten off the boat in New York City, were walking down the street when they came upon a hotdog stand. One looks at the other and said, "Do Americans eat dogs?"
"I don't know...but if they do, I guess as long as we're going to stay here, we should eat what they do." So they go to the stand and order two hotdogs, which they received wrapped in wax paper.
One opened his and looked at it with distaste and asked his friend, "Oh shit....what part did you get?"
and here's the worst (please forgive me)
Q: How do you know if you have pissed off your lady bartender?
A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt
and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting
the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the
shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage
of such a manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada
array against his mighty sailing ship andwithout fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
DaFunkyUnit
04-14-2001, 10:41 PM
ROFL!!!
brown pants!!! thats just too funny!!!
http://www.fotango.com/p/eba00085987f00000001.jpg
Olomite
04-15-2001, 12:38 PM
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
theHNIC
04-15-2001, 02:36 PM
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided
to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every
single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored
eggs, then storms outside and beats the sh!t out of the peacock
Speedfreak
04-15-2001, 05:38 PM
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"
Speedfreak
04-15-2001, 05:40 PM
You know you are an overclocker:
1) If the screws holding your case together have been stripped out.
2) If your case has no cover.
3) If you need replacement jumpers.
4) If you have more than two hard drives.
5) If there is a fire extinguisher beside your PC (take note Brendan and Darren).
6) If your rent was ever late so you could pre-order a 3DFX card.
7) If you have rhtermal grease under your fingernails.
8) If the word "Anand" has become part of your vocabulary.
9) If you buy all the components to build a new computer and you start thinking about upgrading before your finish assembly.
10) If three or more of your friends or relatives are using one or more of your "old" systems.
11) If you have never done a "typical" installation of software.
12) If you've removed all of the smoke detectors in your house.
13) If you you know all the multiples of 66, 75, 83, 100, 112.
14) If you can hold your own in an argument over Intel and AMD's floating point units versus integer processing power.
15) If you give people advice on which case fans to buy.
16) If you're on a first name basis with the head of your work/universities help desk and it's because they called you.
17) If the notion of undocumented jumper settings seems perfectly natural to you.
18) If you have a "square floor fan" sitting next to your uncovered case.
19) If you have tried to manually shorten your windows startup time.
20) If your house lights dim when you power up your computer.
21) If you walked to work for a month so you could afford that new Voodoo2 card.
22) If you use the weather forecast to predict tomorrows bus/multiplier settings.
23) If your employers know you are a crank but this doesn't worry them as long as you turn up to fix things.
24) If your wife/partner has to close the door to the "computer room" when guests come over.
25) If your monthly computer upgrade budget is greater than your mortgage payments.
26) If you bought Quake 2 just to run the timedemo.
27) If you know the Quake 2 fps of your current setup and how it changes with at least two other pieces of hardware not currently in your computer.
28) Every time you upgrade your system, you build an entire new system around the old part(s).
Speedfreak
04-15-2001, 05:41 PM
It was Palm Sunday, and the mother's 3 year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, and Jesus shows up".
Speedfreak
04-15-2001, 05:43 PM
Originally posted by Olomite
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ]
:thumbup: :laugh: HAHAHAHAHA
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The Moral Of The Story:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
welfareloser
04-16-2001, 07:53 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-16-2001, 08:12 AM
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough” So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.” So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like shit.” And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-16-2001, 08:17 AM
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
george carlin ruminations:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get awayfrom it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
43. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
forwarded:
"Disturbing product of the month: Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995, for 73 cents.
Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy.
Extra special bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended daily allowance for cholesterol. Yes, that's no typo - 1,170 percent.
Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank.
Company defense: "People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't discover the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures. A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're going to eat brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good point."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-16-2001, 09:41 AM
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror
on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...
and his legs fall off.
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-16-2001, 09:42 AM
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at
the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
Originally posted by ChIcKeN_HaWk
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at
the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
:thumbup:
the whack report:
Today's true story was sent in by Lee Clinch...
An acquaintance of mine, Leslie, went on her first date with a rookie police officer. He was proudly showing off his squad car, including the computer that lets him look up lots of info on a person by entering their driver's license number. Curious, Leslie said she'd wanted to see out how much information he could find on her with her driver's license number.
Well, as it turned out, she had a traffic violation for which she hadn't bothered to show up to court -- and once a driver's license number is entered, the officer's supervisors know that they checked it out.
After double checking with his supervisor, the police officer was forced to give Leslie the classic first date line:
"You are under arrest... you have the right to remain silent...I'm REALLY sorry about this... you have the right to an attorney... I'll make this up to you, I promise..."
http://www.fotango.com/p/eba00085987f00000004.jpg
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said," How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
****************************************
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one
looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
*******************************************
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
*************************************
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."
*************************************
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer
is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake...
[ Authentic Classifieds ]
3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
Dinner Specials:
Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Hopper1
04-17-2001, 12:15 AM
Originally posted by m0j0
forwarded:
"Disturbing product of the month: Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995, for 73 cents.
Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy.
Extra special bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended daily allowance for cholesterol. Yes, that's no typo - 1,170 percent.
Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank.
Company defense: "People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't discover the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures. A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're going to eat brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good point."
http://www.bozosoft.com/mike/meat/brains-can.gif
The Happy Squirrel
04-17-2001, 02:12 AM
Originally posted by m0j0
.
1> Critical flaw discovered by scientists at Los Alamos lab:
you can place the three of hearts on the four of diamonds
in Solitaire.
can that accually be done
sounds like an error that may accually exist
hmmm
stranger thing have happened
topane
04-17-2001, 05:32 AM
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
ChIcKeN_HaWk
04-17-2001, 06:16 AM
Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and
shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready,
Father of Four."
more "true stories"
"IDIOTS ON THE JOB:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name
on the back of the credit card. She informed me that
she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature on the credit
card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed
on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars
and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they
only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when
the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything
in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If
it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged co-worker friend of
mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I explained that it signals to blind people when
the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"
Idiot Sighting #3:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her could
not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #4:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the
keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I
know," answered the young man.- "I already got that
side." "
ahhhh...customer service
http://www.fotango.com/p/eba00085987f00000005.jpg
if you can't read it, it says "If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us"
Ice-9
04-17-2001, 07:25 PM
Originally posted by The Happy Squirrel
Originally posted by m0j0
.
1> Critical flaw discovered by scientists at Los Alamos lab:
you can place the three of hearts on the four of diamonds
in Solitaire.
can that accually be done
sounds like an error that may accually exist
hmmm
stranger thing have happened
Can't on my box. =)
[/too much time on hands]
topane
04-18-2001, 06:04 AM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself,
"duh-isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true, she replied, 'but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's
likely she can also think.
A man was dating 3 women at the same time, & he wanted to
choose which one to marry. He decided to test them. He gave
each woman a present of $1000 and watched to see what they
did with the money.
The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done, new make-up, and bought several new outfits. She told him, "I did this to be more attractive for you because I love you so much!" The man was impressed.
The second one went shopping and bought him several gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs & some really nice clothes. As she gave him the gifts, she said, "I spent all the money on you because I love you so much!" The man was very impressed.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market. She
earned back several times the $1000, which she gave back to him. She reinvested the rest in a joint account. She stated, "I wanted to save for our future together because I love you so much." The man was extremely impressed.
He thought for a long time about what each one had done with the money, and how much each of them loved him. Needless to say, it was the most difficult decision of his life.
Finally after several days of soul searching and sleepless nights, he made up his mind... and then married the one with the biggest tits.
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST
When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN 'EM
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
topane
04-27-2001, 01:28 PM
Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Darren. you're a vet...."
Originally posted by m0j0
10 Things to do as your Plane goes down:.............
09) Demand another bag of complementary peanuts
08) Tear open your shirt then announce, "Ah heck, I left my super hero costume at the cleaners!"
07) Write on your arm with a pen, "We were attacked by an alien space ship."
06) Stand up and shout, "Surprise! You're all on Candid Camera!"
03) Scream out, "Last one to the Pearly Gates is a rotten egg!"
02) Scream out, "Make that, last one to plunge into the pit of eternal flaming damnation is a rotten egg!"
hahaha
eSDee
04-27-2001, 05:00 PM
Oh well this is probably worth it:
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out
of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there,
pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if they could finally do a split
7. See if it is truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less then 20 minutes before closing time
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina?
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
TOP TEN THINGS THAT A WOMAN WOULD DO IF SHE WOKE UP WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fasinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to another man at the urinal
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels asfunny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction, whichoccurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
And, the number one thing that a woman would do if she woke up with a penis?
1. REPEAT #9
Your Guide to the Personal Ads.
A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men"
Classifieds
CODE WORD..... MEANS
40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate: Possessive
Artist: Unreliable
Athletic : Flat chested
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Employed: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at
home
Enjoys art and opera: Snob
Enjoys Nature: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty : Would frighten a Martian
Feminist: Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit : Substance user
Friendship first :Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle : Comatose
Humorous: Caustic
Intuitive : Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker: Lush
Looks younger: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel : If you're paying
Loves Animals: Cat lady
Mature: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age : All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned : Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded : Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Petite: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet : Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Bitch
Redhead : Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable : Frumpy
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed : Jobless
Smart: Insipid
Special: Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual: Involved with a cult
Stable: Boring
Tall, thin : Anorexic
Tan: Wrinkled
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportional: to Hugely Fat height
Wants Soulmate : One step away from stalking
Widow : Nagged first husband to death
Writer: Pompous
continued....
Men seeking women
MALE CODE WORD... MEANS...
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Young at heart: Toothless croney
Affectionate: Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist: Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking: Fat, grey, and bald
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed: On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure: I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant bastard
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
Slim, attractive: Would be better off with a labrador female retriever
Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on the beach: I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet: Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional: Owns a white button down shirt.
Reliable: Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed: Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive: Needy
Smart: Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful: Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile: Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart: Pedophile
despayre
04-29-2001, 03:26 AM
Moral:
before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
theHNIC
04-30-2001, 12:19 PM
n case long wang duck calls back....
confucious sayings
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to
Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with
solution in hand
Viola Jokes (sorry if list is too long)
Part 1
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
------------------------------------------------------------How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1. The viola burns longer.
2. The viola holds more beer.
3. You can tune the violin.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a chair.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills. (my favorite...lol)
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
------------------------------------------------------------
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
------------------------------------------------------------Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some
respect.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
1. Sit in the back and don't play.
2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
------------------------------------------------------------
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings (Boeings).
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
------------------------------------------------------------
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be willing to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be willing to use it.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
1. half a measure
2. a semi-tone
------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of
development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.
------------------------------------------------------------
What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.
------------------------------------------------------------
How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.
------------------------------------------------------------
How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
welfareloser
04-30-2001, 03:43 PM
Originally posted by m0j0
Viola Jokes (sorry if list is too long)
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
yep. i always had you pegged as a deutsche geiger. it was so obvious...
Originally posted by welfareloser
Originally posted by m0j0
Viola Jokes (sorry if list is too long)
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
yep. i always had you pegged as a deutsche geiger. it was so obvious...
actually Gitarrenspieler...lol
welfareloser
04-30-2001, 07:20 PM
elektrische oder akoustik?
i, for one, was never very convincing on an electric guitar, no matter how much i headbanged, so i gave up the guitar and became a honky irish-style fiddler.
and, i have a joke to contribute:
so this guy with a phd, fresh outta school on the east coast, takes a job at a backwoods little college in kentucky. he buys a house and moves in, and is immediately miserable in his new neighborhood, which is full of semi-dentulous alcoholic tattoo-sportin gun-totin knuckle-draggin mouth-breathers.
one night his next door neighbor, a mullet-havin truck-drivin home-rolled-smokin coondogs-under-the-porch type of fellow, comes over to invite him to a party.
"You know, a little drankin, a little music," says the neighbor.
"Sounds great," says the professor, who hasn't been to a good party since he was an undergraduate.
"Maybe some fightin, then some more drankin, a little weed, a little sex."
"Wonderful," says the professor. "I love a good party. What should I wear?"
The neighbor shrugs his hairy shoulders. "Don't much matter. Jist gone be me n yew."
heard it from a friend this weekend, and for some reason, it struck me funny at 2 am while drankin around a campfire.
Originally posted by welfareloser
elektrische oder akoustik?
i, for one, was never very convincing on an electric guitar, no matter how much i headbanged, so i gave up the guitar and became a honky irish-style fiddler.
beide. elektrische und klassische.
i play mostly blues and jazz, but, ya, i play rock and stuff. ahh....so that is why you were takin up on my violinist/violist humor :D
welfareloser
04-30-2001, 08:06 PM
actually, i'm mostly impressed that you speak german - i think you're only the second person i've met since moving back to the states who can do better than "fick mich" and other useless beavis and butthead stuff...
Q: what do you call the hair between a 90-year old woman's breasts?
A: her pubic hair.
yep, that's gross on so many levels...
i'm going to hell, aren't i?
A man & his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He & the wife are very attracted
to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.
The husband, however is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will
be able to have three people doing 8 hour shifts in the watchtower, rather
than two people doing 12 hour shifts".
The new man is only too happy to help & in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Soon the husband
and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".
They yell back, "We're not fucking".
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".
Again they yell back, "We're not fucking".
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch
leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking".
They yell back, "We're not fucking!!".
Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower &
the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife &
second man are screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks out
from the tower & says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like
they're fucking".
Dating Tips
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":
Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there.
-Is a virgin.
Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow.
Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies.
Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all
the way".
Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly
skillful gymnastics in bed.
Returns order to chef as incorrect, even though it is exactly what she
ordered -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get
pregnant and sue.
Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only.
Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet
spot.
Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you.
Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then
try to borrow money.
Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty
during sex.
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all
your closets.
Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
Undertips waiter. -Small penis.
Undertips parking valet. -Small penis.
Undertips cabby. -Small penis.
Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.
je voudrais le bifteck, et welfare voudrait le filet mignon
Chinpoko_Mon
05-01-2001, 10:50 AM
Originally posted by m0j0
je voudrais le bifteck, et welfare voudrait le filet mignon
Je suis un "bif-gateau".. =P hahahha
The Cross Country Trek!
Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from
Idaho, one from Iowa, one from North Carolina, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho
starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the
window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks,
"What the heck are you doing?" The man from Idaho says,
"Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho
they're laying around on the ground-- I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling
husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the
window. The man from North Carolina asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from North Carolina opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
The Blonde's First Cell Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He explains all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun ", he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?", asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
A man goes to the doctor's one day because he has a slight problem.
he sits in the exmaining room waiting for the doctor.
when the doctor walks in, the patient asks the doctor, "Hey Doc, if I tell you whats wrong, you promise not to laugh?"
The doctor looks at him with a solemn face and says, "I've been in this profession for 30 years, I will keep this very professional."
So the patient drops his pants and boxers and the doctor looks and just starts busting up laughing uncontrollably. When the patient starts crying the doctor is able to bring it down to a slight chuckle and asks the man what is wrong.
the patient just looks at him with tears and says, "Its swollen."
The Monkey Tree
There is a tree that is filled with monkeys on every branch. Imagine this tree as a corporate ladder if you will. The Owner / CEO at the top looks down and sees lots of smiling faces.
The guy at the bottom looks up and just sees a bunch of asses.
*!!!this is just a joke, and i don't mean it in any offense to anyone nor do i see it as my personal beliefs, cuz well...it isn't!!!*
Three men, a black man, white man, and a mexican, are walking through a california desert. one of them finds a bottle and rubs it. A genie pops out and says, "Wow, three of you? Then I shall grant you each one wish."
So the black man says, "I wish that all my people were back in Africa and truly happy."
The Genie waves his hand and says, "It is done." and the black man disappears.
The mexican says, "Well then, I wish all my mexican people were back in mexico and truly happy."
The Genie waves his hand and says, "It is done." and the mexican disappears.
The white man looks around, and says, "So you mean to tell me all the blacks and mexicans are back in Africa and Mexico? Fuck it, I'll just have a coke."
*!!!this is just a joke, and i don't mean it in any offense to anyone nor do i see it as my personal beliefs, cuz well...it isn't!!!*
[Edited by Corsec on 05-01-2001 at 12:32 PM]
because they are in a desert, and i am assuming they started in the usa, or else the whole white thing wouldn't really mean much....actually there is a good chance that the guy is also in mexico...i mean, if it makes the mexicans really happy to have their land back, that is. either that or he is in africa. hmm.
i'm sorry, did i just take the fun outta that?
no, you didn't....i just left something out was all. my apologies. i fixed it. :D
I honestly don't think you can ever kill this thread. :D
theHNIC
05-01-2001, 02:27 PM
> > Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on
> >> > the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was
tired
of
> >> > hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am
going
to
> >> > set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who
does the
> >> > better job."
> >> >
> >> > So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They
> >> > moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes.
> They
> >> > sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They
downloaded.
> >> > They did some
> >> > genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But 10
> >> > minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across
the
> >> > sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the
electricity
> >> > went off.
> >> >
> >> > Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known
in
> >> > the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally
flickered
> >> > back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan
started
> >> > searching frantically
> >> > and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when
the
> >> > power went off!"
> >> >
> >> > Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from
the
> >> > past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became
irate.
> >> > "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
> >> >
> >> > God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
TechMage
05-01-2001, 09:54 PM
Originally posted by gotmilk
> >> > "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
> >> >
> >> > God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Alright man, where do you guys come up with these?
Here's a silly one.
This duck walks into a bar.
Perches up on the barstool and asks the bartender, "Hey man, do you have any grapes?"
The bartender replied, "Sorry man, this is a bar. We don't serve grapes."
The Duck shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
The very next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and sits up at the same barstool. He looks at the bartender and asks, "Hey buddy, you got any grapes?"
The barkeep looks down at the duck and replies, "Hey pal! I already told you yesterday that we don't have any grapes...now if you ever ask me again i'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar! Now beat it!"
The duck shrugs and quietly waddles out the door.
The next day the duck comes back into the bar and perches up on his bar stool. He looks at the bartender and asks, "Hey buddy, you got any nails?"
The bartender looks down at the duck with a puzzled look and replies, "Uh, no why?"
Smiling, the duck looks back up at the bartender and says, "Good, you got any grapes?"
{Girlfriend loves this one}
jmac87
05-02-2001, 11:44 AM
Three hobos were walking down the tracks.
First hobo points to a place near the track and says "That's my lucky spot, found five dollars there once."
The second hobo points to a spot further down the tracks and says "That's my lucky spot, found twenty dollars there twice."
The third hobo points to a spot and says "That's my lucky spot. One day I found a woman tied up there, untied her and we had sex all day."
"That's great," said the second hobo, "Was she a blonde, brunette, or redhead?"
"I don't know" said the third hobo, "Never found her head."
theHNIC
05-02-2001, 11:58 AM
http://members.blackplanet.com/BLACK_PEARL_10/jap.jpg
Chinpoko_Mon
05-02-2001, 12:05 PM
Originally posted by jmac87
"I don't know" said the third hobo, "Never found her head."
DOH!... not that's.. ack! :puke:
jmac87
05-03-2001, 12:59 PM
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.
After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far?"
"About ten gallons."
theHNIC
05-03-2001, 01:14 PM
Originally posted by jmac87
"How much have you gotten so far?"
"About ten gallons."
Too funny
eSDee
05-03-2001, 05:12 PM
Originally posted by Corsec
A man goes to the doctor's one day because he has a slight problem.
he sits in the exmaining room waiting for the doctor.
when the doctor walks in, the patient asks the doctor, "Hey Doc, if I tell you whats wrong, you promise not to laugh?"
The doctor looks at him with a solemn face and says, "I've been in this profession for 30 years, I will keep this very professional."
So the patient drops his pants and boxers and the doctor looks and just starts busting up laughing uncontrollably. When the patient starts crying the doctor is able to bring it down to a slight chuckle and asks the man what is wrong.
the patient just looks at him with tears and says, "Its swollen."
I'm not sure I understand this one. Does he have a boner or somethin? Forgive me I've been up all night studying for a midterm. Please explain tho.
Jenny
05-03-2001, 05:55 PM
something about it being absolutely tiny and then the guy says it is swollen, so you know it was even smaller before. Who knows. lol
welfareloser
05-04-2001, 08:36 AM
Napkins.....Special Occasions
>
> My mother taught me to read when I was three years
old (her first
mistake).
>One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
cabinet doors was
>ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my
mother why she was
>keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong
in the kitchen??? Not
>wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told
me that those were
for
>"special occasions".
> Now fast forward a few months..... It's Thanksgiving
Day, and my folks are
>leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for
dinner. Mom had assignments
>for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set
the table.
>When they returned, the pastor came in first and
immediately burst into
>laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began
giggling. Next came my
>father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who
almost died of
>embarrassment when she saw eachplace setting on the
table with a "special
>occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I
>had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't
hang off the edge!?!. My
>mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my
response sent the other
>adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you
SAID they were for
>special occasions!"
Originally posted by Jenny
something about it being absolutely tiny and then the guy says it is swollen, so you know it was even smaller before.
yup, thats it. :D
welfare....lol....special occasions.... :heh:
dig this
i hope this is not too intense for those faint of heart
http://www.iowafarmer.com/corncam/corn.html
You know you worked during the 90s (old joke?) if.....
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.
Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the news.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products
combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".
Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.
You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.
You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family
members.
You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do
anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.
You read this entire list and understood it.
welfareloser
05-04-2001, 02:30 PM
corncam... i used to work at the "maize genetics co-op stock center" (we masturbated and artificially inseminated thousands of corn plants... then put the embryos in cryostorage... almost as cool as an xfiles episode) ... the people there would LOOOOOOVE this... and i don't mean they would love it as a joke, sadly enough.
theHNIC
05-06-2001, 10:32 AM
A boy goes to his father and asks him, "Dad, what is politics?" And the father says, "Well, I'm the breadwinner of the family, so I'm Capitalism. Your mother sets all the rules, so she is the Government. The maid is the Working Class, because she works for us, and you're little brother, he's just a baby, so he represents the Future. And you, son, represent the People. Now go think about that and tell me what you think politics is." Later that night the boy wakes up to the sound of his baby brother crying. He goes to check on him, and finds his diaper heavily soiled. So he goes to his parents' room, where he finds his mom is sound asleep and his dad not there. So he goes to the maid's room, and he sees his dad screwing the maid. So the boy gives up and goes back to bed. The next day at breakfast his dad says, "Son, do you know what politics is now?" And the boy says "Yes. The Government is sound asleep, Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."
theHNIC
05-06-2001, 01:24 PM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Not only that, but....
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
ILOVEYOU BUG 'hits Linux'
"Hello, I'm the Linux version of I Love You.
GPL Licence Agreement:
This code is released under the GPL Public Licence Agreement and is shipped with all source code included. Under this agreement you are free to make any changes
you choose to this code, on the condition that you include this licence statement, in full, with your distribution.
I work on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix or Linux, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random. Thank you!" ®
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is..............................molasses."
NEW FDA ALCOHOL WARNING, JUST OUT
* Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I
had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then says, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumscision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."
fabfore1
05-11-2001, 12:28 PM
One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first
time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
topane
05-11-2001, 02:00 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.
Bumper Sticker Philosophy
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? I think NOT!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Ice-9
05-11-2001, 04:21 PM
Nice. Half of those are immediately getting converted into away messages.
Speedfreak
05-16-2001, 01:58 AM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Burzhui
05-16-2001, 09:36 AM
MoJo man u ruined my whole day with that you know you worked in the 90's joke :( sad really truly sad
CluelessSi
05-16-2001, 10:37 AM
rofl
Originally posted by ChIcKeN_HaWk
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
CluelessSi
05-18-2001, 09:45 AM
Originally posted by Ice-9
Nice. Half of those are immediately getting converted into away messages.
agreed =)
CluelessSi
05-18-2001, 09:46 AM
anyone have a list of retorical questions like
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets...
Speedfreak
05-19-2001, 02:36 AM
Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
Why are buildings called buildings if they are already built?
Why is abreviated such a long word?
Since they're all jammed together, why are they call them apartments?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have
a work station...
Speedfreak
05-19-2001, 02:37 AM
A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President any longer, please leave.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not the President any longer, please go away.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty.The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!"
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it." :)
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that
the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie
Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
StonedWheat
05-24-2001, 02:15 AM
Originally posted by Speedfreak
A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President any longer, please leave.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not the President any longer, please go away.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty.The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!"
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it." :)
:disa: <--- exactly what i'm doing right now
A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON
Dear Bill,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't
found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
one for the ladies
http://www.fotango.com/p/eba00085987f00000012.jpg
jujubees
05-25-2001, 11:06 AM
got these from http://rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html :
http://www.geocities.com/misangeles/etc/comp5.x
http://www.geocities.com/misangeles/etc/comp2.x
http://www.geocities.com/misangeles/etc/comp7.x
http://www.geocities.com/misangeles/etc/comp8.x
[Edited by jujubees on 05-25-2001 at 11:33 AM]
jujubees
06-05-2001, 11:43 AM
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. Only ONE!! And, do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 years! But, if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND, UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*#^@^$ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS @#$%^*&.....
I'm sorry.....what did you ask me?
Jenny
06-05-2001, 01:10 PM
Hey juju, where did you get your sig? LOL That's hysterical! :) I've heard the joke before and love it!
Hrudey
06-05-2001, 01:11 PM
Originally posted by CluelessSi
anyone have a list of retorical questions like
Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets...
IF a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
leemaj
01-19-2002, 02:17 AM
Originally posted by rum
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."
i read this for the third time in this thread and finally got it.
leemaj
01-19-2002, 02:28 AM
Originally posted by Ice-9
Nice. Half of those are immediately getting converted into away messages.
haha fo sho...i put one up:
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
then i read your post and was like hey, guess im not the only one
leemaj
01-19-2002, 02:39 AM
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
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