MORE JOKES!

[stupidzbu]

It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense! For instance, if PacMan affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.


One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant. The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?" The first guy says, "How the hell should I know? Do you think that I have eyes in the back of my head?"

Three male students had just received their grades from their female teacher for a sex education exam. One got a D+, the second got a D- and the third got an F. "Some day we're gonna get that bitch back," said the first boy. "Yeah! And then we're gonna strip her," said the second. "Yeah," said the third boy. "And then we're gonna suck her dick!"

[CluelessSi]

err...... :eek3:

[rum]

Originally posted by stupidzbu
"Some day we're gonna get that bitch back," said the first boy

Haha. What an idiot.

[topane]

Originally posted by stupidzbu
It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense! For instance, if PacMan affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.Hey! What's wrong with that? wakka wakka wakka

[topane]

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?



????????????????????????????????????????
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

[rum]

Hey are those from that game Dirty Minds? I was really good at that when I was drunk. Must be the Bufallo hard at work.

[stupidzbu]

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye.

As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you".

This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

[hapoo]

Originally posted by stupidzbu
It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense! For instance, if PacMan affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.

Three male students had just received their grades from their female teacher for a sex education exam. One got a D+, the second got a D- and the third got an F. "Some day we're gonna get that bitch back," said the first boy. "Yeah! And then we're gonna strip her," said the second. "Yeah," said the third boy. "And then we're gonna suck her dick!"



OMG!!!!
I have never laughed so hard!!!! and so long.
Thanks Stupidzbu, i needed that.

[stupidzbu]

THANK YOU!

[Doomer]

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg ?
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Pick him up and suck his dick. :D

[Speedfreak]

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

[theHNIC]

A pregnant woman walked into the doctor's office to have an ultrasound.The doctor told her she would be having a baby girl. He then asked her what she would name the baby. The woman promptly answered "Shenequa".
He asked her " do you have any other children".

She said "I have 5 daughters and their names are also Shenequa".

At this point the doctor said " How do you call them home for dinner".

She replied "that's easy, I just yell 'Shenequa supper'!!! and they all come home"

He then asked, "well, what about if you are going somewhere"??

She said "that's easy too, I just yell, 'Shenequa let's go!!!!' and they all come running."

Still a little confused, he questioned her again " but what if you only want to speak to one of them?"

"Well, then I just call them by their last name".

[theHNIC]

(assume you are a girl if you are a guy)

its your first time. as you lie back
your muscles tighten. you put him
off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as
he approaches you. he asks if you're
afraid and you shake your head
bravely. he has had more experience, but
it's the first time his finger
has found the right place. He probes
deeply and you shiver; your body
tenses; but he's gentle like he promised
he'd be. he looks deeply
within your eyes and tells you to trust
him, he's done this many times
before. his cool smile relaxes you and
you open wider to give him more
room for an easier entrance. you begin
to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time, wanting to
cause you as little pain as
possible. as he presses closer, going
deeper, you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle
of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if
its too painful. Your eyes are filled
with tears but you shake your
head and nod for him to go on. he begins
going in and out with skill
but you are now numb to feel him within
you. after a few moments, you
feel something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay
panting, glad to have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
been his most stubborn yet most rewarding
experience.

you smile and thank your dentist.
after all, it was your first time
to have a tooth pulled

[hapoo]

with a story like that, it makes you wonder why people hate the dentist. I bet if they put THAT on their brochures they would have no problem getting new patients.

[tupacboy]

an oldy but goodie....

what is 6.9?


good oral sex fucked up by a period...

[m0j0]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl
asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

[Doomer]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.


:D

[Speedfreak]

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, I’m Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA, and the Portland Trailblazers need me, so I can’t afford to die. So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said; I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York’s Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The boy scout said, It’s okay, there’s a parachute left for you. The world’s smartest woman took my backpack.

:)

[hapoo]

i would have prefered it if the worlds smartest man took the kids backpack.

[CluelessSi]

Originally posted by hapoo
i would have prefered it if the worlds smartest man took the kids backpack.
thinking of the same thing :)

[Chinpoko_Mon]

Ten Things That Piss Me Off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the *bleep* is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." *bleep* off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the *bleep* would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?

7. The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know *******, you *bleep*ing pulled me over,

[OC]

Originally posted by CluelessSi

Originally posted by hapoo
i would have prefered it if the worlds smartest man took the kids backpack.
thinking of the same thing :)

Ditto.

[GilbertsGrape]

... 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

[/B][/QUOTE]



Memories …. My little sister use to hide the remote when she was watching cartoons so no one would change the station on her then later when someone else wanted the remote she would always forget where she put it and would have to trash the house looking for it ……

[topane]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsey," one child answers "And this?" the teacher asks ”A piggy." replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence ”Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint: What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!"

[jujubees]

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

[jujubees]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition, Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

[coleslaw]

Q: If two potatoes are standing on a street corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?

A: The prostitute will be wearing a sticker that says "Idaho".

:laugh: