S: ******* dad

[StonedWheat]

Why couldn't I be born into a normal family? My father just kicked me out of the house today for no apparent reason. He calls me a criminal and a disgrace ever since I got caught for a misdemenor 7 years ago, when I was 17. Every single time I see him he mentions it. After two hours of useless arguing today(more like lecturing) about how important reputation is, and about how he thinks i'm no asset to the family, I've come to the decision that I am no longer speaking to that *******. His brother decided the same thing years ago. Some of the things he has done are incredible. Just last week my mom asked him to help her change her oil. Instead he makes her do it to teach her a lesson, and she comes in with oil splattered all over her face. I've heard he forgot his own wedding day. My grandma had to find him in his hangout spot at a bar. He has turned our house into a junkyard, literally. He has been mentally and physically abusive to me all my life. I would have rather not had a father than to have him. It makes me so scared to think that someday I might become him. He doesn't listen and he selectively pulls bible verses out to support his own twisted desires. I remember him reading that "respect your parents" verse and making me bow to him as if he were a god. I remember him beating me so bad that my eyeballs turned purple. Ah the memories.

[INeedAVacation]

If I read that right, you were 17 years old 7 years ago. That would make you 24 now. Did anyone tell you that you can move out on your own at the age of 18?
I'm not calling you a liar but if it was as bad as you say it is why the hell are you still there?

[eSDee]

That sucks Stoney. Dude, move down to Diego and you can live in my garage. Oh wait, there already is someone living there. Oh well just move down here anyways. Perhaps a little distance might help out a bit, you know?

[StonedWheat]

Originally posted by INeedAVacation
If I read that right, you were 17 years old 7 years ago. That would make you 24 now. Did anyone tell you that you can move out on your own at the age of 18?
I'm not calling you a liar but if it was as bad as you say it is why the hell are you still there?

but i should have explained that part too. I don't live there. I go home once in a while because my mom wants to see me. I mean, she REALLY wants to see me. She wants me there as much as possible and actually wants me to move back home. She has to deal with him a lot more than I do. She even got a part time job just to get out of the house and away from him. I just stay there once in a while, mostly to keep my mom sane, and to help around the house. Today he was going off on how I never did anything around the house. I listed off a few of the things that I did, like make him lunch, re-organize the kitchen, install HIS car stereo, and he goes "I didn't ask you to do all that stuff". Then I said fine, if you ask me to do anything around the house then most likely i'll do it. Then he says "Why can't you take any initiative and do things on your own?". He makes no fucking sense. So he said he's throwing all my things out and he's gonna make a library out of all the books he picked up at the flea market over his lifetime. OK, we have a 4 bedroom house, 2 bedrooms are filled to the brim with junk, one bedroom is reserved for me or my sister, and one is my parents. The garage is also filled to the brim with crap. He used to make a point for me not let anyone in the house because he was afraid of a lawsuit, in case some crap fell on them. Wanna know how bad it got? He used to beat me with a horse whip when I was younger...not the kind that snaps, but those long straight hard ones. When he turned my eyes purple, he put his knees on my shoulders and punched my face for what seemed like several minutes. Then he took me out of school because he thought that the school was gonna press charges against him. I think my dad took out his job on me. He was a postal worker BTW. As much shit that I talk about my dad, you would just have to meet him to see what I mean to even start understanding what my family has to go through. Again, my uncle (his brother) hasn't talked to him as long as i've been alive. That's some hate if you ask me. I've tried for so long these past few years to get on his good side...buying him presents, doing things for him, and he doesn't remember any of it! So fuck him.

[TheLoneGunman]

I haven't been in the same room with my parents for over 1.5 years. I called my dad about 7 months ago and he was a jerk so that was the end of it.

What is sad is that they live about 2 miles away.

I think I am a bigger black sheep than you Stoney, not that it helps at all...

[Loosah]

Listen Stoned,

I KNOW exactly where you are coming from. Your Dad is mentally ill, and you need to stay the hell away. Your Mom is an adult and responsible for herself, she made the choice to marry him and every day she makes the choice to stay and allow him to treat her that way. You on the other hand did not ask to be born into this. Your Mom and Dad depend on each other to keep this sickness going. If it was not "working" for both of them, trust me they would change it. They are getting a "payoff" from this pattern of behavior (wanna guess how much I have spent on therapy?).

I know you probably love your Mom and really want to help make things better for her and to protect her, but you can't sacrifice yourself in the process. You have to set some boundaries with your Dad. Basically the way I deal with people like that is not really to fight back. I just walk away, I will not deal with verbally/mentally abusive people. If he starts in on you, leave. Don't argue back with him, you won't win and you will get nowhere, he is not a rational human being. His goal is not to debate or discuss, it is just to make other people feel his wrath and pain. Try to find someone to talk to about this, it really does help. You are not doomed to repeat the sins of your father.

[StonedWheat]

I think my mom stays with him for several reasons. Financial is one of them. She actually came really close to divorcing him about 10 years ago, spending several thousand on lawyers. I think she felt guilty about breaking up the family so she didn't go through with it. That and my dad kept on saying it was very un-christian like to divorce. He also kept on telling my mom that if she did, she would end up an old maid cus nobody would want her since she was over 40.

The reason why I still even talk to him is because he is my father. I see we have some kind of connection, like in the way we look, laugh and sneeze, so what he says really gets under my skin. But I think I am just going to start seeing him as mentally ill like loosah said. I am convinced that there is nothing I can do to make him care about anyone but himself.

[Grimm]

You could always look to your church for help. I'm not talking about prayer. If your Dad uses the Bible against his family, use it against him. Speak to the minister/priest of the church he attends. Ask them to interceed. Keep calm and go over your points before approaching them.
If your father doesn't go to church (or at least is a member of one), then there is no hope here. He just uses the Bible to rationalize his behavior and probably doesn't even believe in God.

I have a sister just like your Dad. I understand the frustration in dealing with him. He is mentaly ill. There is no cure. There is a way to mittigate it, but he has to want to get help. There is no way of that happening as long as your Mom encourages his behavior by staying there. Perhaps you should offer your Mom a place to stay if she wants to leave. If she sees a financialy stable alternative, she might take it. Then maybe your Dad might get some help.
Remember that your Dad will need continious treatment for the rest of his life. There is no cure.

Good luck.

[Loosah]

Stoned:

You don't have to cut him off totally. You have to find a way that works for you to detach from his bullshit and craziness.

I have a totally whacked out family as well, my Dad was very much like you describe yours. My Mom stayed and I always tried to protect and shield her from him. He died a few years ago, but it took a long time and a lot of therapy to get past the damage he did while he was alive.

Having someone who understands the situation that you can talk to really helps. If you ever need someone to bitch to, feel free.

[INeedAVacation]

Its obvious your mom should leave him if she is in the abusive relationship you described.-money is not a consideration, its not worth the price.-like selling your soul, what good will selling your soul do?-even if you get top dollar what are you going to do with no soul?

If I were in YOUR shoes I would NEVER go back to a place where I was abused like you were.- that's dumb.-If you burned your hand on your stove would you keep putting your hand on your stove because it is YOUR stove?

Also, I don't know for sure but I don't think there is a statute of limitiations on the amount of time that can go by before you can no longer press charges over child abuse. I would find out if this is possible and if it is I would do it, regardless of who said not to.- there is no reason to protect the guilty.

[StonedWheat]

I know it's illogical, but he's my father, not a stove. It's not that simple. He burns me, but then when he talks to me again I feel like there's hope in our relationship, and that some goodness can come out of me trying to be a better son in his eyes. He never abused my mom physically by the way, just me.

Thanks for your words of advice everyone. But loosah when you said "You have to find a way that works for you to detach from his bullshit and craziness.", I think my mother kind of found a way to do this. She told me just to laugh it off and agree with whatever he says. She says God is teaching us patience. May be true. I'm too tired to think about this anymore.

[Paladin]

Dude just kick his ass

[Luxykin007]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Though I have never been in one quite like it, I can share an example of one on my mom's side of my family. My mom and one of her sisters have both been dissastisfied with my grandmom's conduct over the years. Basically she jack my grandpa (an awesome cool missionary guy) for this younger "guitar-god" as she calls him. So my aunt was totally pissed at her and wouldn't talk to her for years. My mom has chosen to stay in touch and let my grandma know how much she loves her, despite the choices she may make. My aunt is beginning to come around and see you can catch more fly's with honey as well. Now I am not telling you that you should subject yourself to mental and/or physical abuse for one second, however I see that you are not really willing to just cut things off. It is your family. I know the Bible says children should respect their parents, but right after that it says fathers shouldn't embitter their children or they will become discouraged.... hmmm. I guarentee there are multiple verses on drinking, actually getting drunk to be specific, so my advice would be to not get in his face but if you fell comfortable (I don't know your religious background, but you Dad seems fond of misusing scripture) I would write him a letter, this way he either listens or throws it away, you don't have to hear it. Basically kepp writing him letters encouraging him, telling him you love him and how his actions hurt you and how they hurt the family. Avoid pinning blame, but certainly allow your emotions to come through. Anyway, if you need (or would like) help finding verses to highlight your dad's areas of weakness, I could help. Hope all works out well for you. Pray about it. God bless.