some funny jokes

[eSDee]

Someone sent this to me. Most of these are funny. I won't censor the ones that might be inappropriate.

Enjoy!
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What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

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What's the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.

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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

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Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove
and refrigerator.

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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your Mom.

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What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick."

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

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What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a
Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage, along with a recipe.

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What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row row row your boat.

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What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a
Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A
Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe
this"

[Burzhui]

Originally posted by EsDeeLoco

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick."


You do realize that this can and will get you killed, or badly beaten and castrated right :)

[leemaj]

lets post more of these

[theorangeone]

Nude Beaches
A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nudebeach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Speedfreak]

Hey, Happo? Did you see this up there? :D



What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[mojo]

these are not the best, but someone here may appreciate them

http://members.aol.com/pinjunkie/index.html

[mojo]

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."


Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.


If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[mojo]

Third Grade Quiz

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The
teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."

[Hiro]

Originally posted by mojorisin
Third Grade Quiz

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."


haha

[mojo]

An Old Man

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[mojo]

forwarded from a friend

Money...
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money
And I will suffer for you.
Cash is fine.

[mojo]

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody
breaks the silience with a bodily function noise.
4. Say "Hmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt iterratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say,"Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube,spread peanut butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known song on your butt cheeks over and over again.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper,conspicusly laydown a "Cross-Dressors Anonymous "newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free"

[Burzhui]

ha ha i like those thing to do in the stall