Jenny
08-24-2001, 06:05 PM
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.
-------------------------
Bill works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill, how yadoin? "His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before."Oh no," says Bill, "He's on my bowling team.
"When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual Miller Lite. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Miller lite. "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Bill. "Hi Billy," she says, "Want your usual table ? Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill."
---------------------------------
Dear Diary:
May 30th:
Just moved to Oklahoma City...Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Al least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and SH..S. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as heck. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. IT cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I saw the stupid repairman pee in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass & fried cat.
Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?? Water
rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the darn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 113 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500
house payment to bail me out of jail.
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.
-------------------------
Bill works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill, how yadoin? "His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before."Oh no," says Bill, "He's on my bowling team.
"When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual Miller Lite. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Miller lite. "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Bill. "Hi Billy," she says, "Want your usual table ? Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill."
---------------------------------
Dear Diary:
May 30th:
Just moved to Oklahoma City...Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Al least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and SH..S. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as heck. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. IT cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I saw the stupid repairman pee in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass & fried cat.
Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?? Water
rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the darn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 113 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500
house payment to bail me out of jail.