on a lighter note: a few jokes

[The Happy Squirrel]

HE SAID/SHE SAID


He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."


got these in an email thought you might enjoy a change from all the killing and bombing threads

[TheLoneGunman]

What will Bin Laden say to his followers in November?



Nothing. Dead men tell no tales

[eSDee]

Originally posted by TheLoneGunman
What will Bin Laden say to his followers in November?


Nothing. Dead men tell no tales

Wow thats funny. Way to keep the mood of this thread light.

[Nanotech9]

so this guy walks into a bar, and says OUCH! that hurt!
:D
Cheesey ehh?
:heh:

[irwin]

Time to make up some more of my famous 1st class jokes.

You know what I did when a senior beat me up?
IRAN! (I ran) :P

What do you get when you mix YOU and a Crane?
Ukraine!

[The Happy Squirrel]

this one only works in echo

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?

dead-ant
dead-ant

lame but effective

[Brendan]

Originally posted by Nanotech9
so this guy walks into a bar, and says OUCH! that hurt!
:D
Cheesey ehh?
:heh:

:laugh: I can't believe that actually made me laugh.

[Nanotech9]

OMgosh!....


so theres these two Strings that go into this fancy restraunt(sp?). The Host says, Sorry, we don't allow Strings to eat in here!

So, they leave, and one string gets all sad and gives up. But, the other string is much more determined. So, he twists around a bit, ruffs up his "hair", and goes back inside.

Host: "Hey arent you one of those Strings that just came in here a few minutes ago?"
String: "Sorry, but I'm a Frayed Knot." (I'm afraid not.)

is that even cheeasier or what?

[Nanotech9]

Q: What do you call children of prostitutes?
A: Brothel-Sproutes.
:heh:

[theHNIC]

Just a joke:

When I born, I black... When I grow up, I black... When I go in sun, I black... When I cold, I black... When I scared, I black... When I sick, I black... And when I Die, I still black.......... You white folks...... When you born, you pink... When you grow up, you white... When you go in sun, you red... When you cold, you blue.... When you scared, you yellow... When you sick, you green... And when you die, you gray....... So who you callin' colored???

[theHNIC]

a blonde a redhead and a brunette were in a cafe talking about what it was like to be pregnant. The Brunette said "I read an article in a magazine the other day that said if he is on top when he cums then you will have a boy, so I will be having a boy" The redhead said "in that case I will be having a girl coz I was on top" At that moment the blonde burst into tears and when questioned what was wrong she wailed "I'm gonna have puppies!!!!!!"

[theHNIC]

Haha... Why do blondes wear hooped earrings?? So they have a place for their feet while they have sex!!!

Tell me when to stop...I have a *****load

[theHNIC]

a blonde and a brunette where walkin through the park 1 day, Suddenly the brunette stops n says "Aww lokk at that dead birdie!" The blonde stops, looks UP and says "Where?

[theHNIC]

what do you call a dog with no legs - it does not matter he wont come anyway

[theHNIC]

what do a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common - if the rubber breaks they are both in the **** (think about it)


Getting these from another site

[theHNIC]

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

[theHNIC]

why do men have to whistle when they're sitting on the toilet - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe

[theHNIC]

Why do women have legs?- Have you seen the mess a snail makes?

[theHNIC]

Did ya hear that diarrhea's hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans

[theHNIC]

What is the definition of suspicious? A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field.

[theHNIC]

what does a toilet roll and the star ship enterprise have in common? They both orbit uranus picking up klingons.

[theHNIC]

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[Cheesypuff]

Great way to get your post up...good times

[theHNIC]

I really dont care about the number of post...Im just adding to the thread

[theHNIC]

A man just got married to his long time girlfriend nympho and discovered that he had to go on post to South Africa with the army. He knew that he couldn't just leave his wife by herself and expect her not to cheat on him while he was gone, so before he told her, he went to the sex shop to buy her something to keep her occupied. He asked the clerk what they had and he pointed out the Vibrapenis. The man thought about it and decided that it wouldn't be enough for her, so the clerk showed him a few other toys, and when the man didn't think any of them were good enough, the clerk said that he had something in the back that might work. They went out to see and sitting on the floor was a metal safe. The clerk opened it and said, "This is the Voodoo Penis". The man asked what it could do, and the clerk said, "It will follow and command, watch : Voodoo Penis - Door!" The dildo, which was floating in the air stopped, pointed at the door, flew over to it and started pounding. In about 30 seconds, the door was sawdust. The man said he thought that was the one for him so he bought it. When he told his wife that he was leaving, he showed her the new toy. She said that she wouldn't need it, but sure enough, 2 hours after he got on the plane, she was feeling lonely. So she took it out and said "Voodoo Penis - vagina!". Well that dildo went at her like nothing ever before and she had never had that many orgasms in her life, but when the time came, she couldn't figure out how to turn it off. After trying everything else, she started rushing to the hospital. She was driving 80 mph through a small neighborhood and got pulled over by the police. She tried to explain to the cop what was going on and why she was driving too fast, and the cop said "Oh, now I've heard it all, Voodoo penis, my ass!"

[irwin]

Originally posted by gotmilk
I really dont care about the number of post...Im just adding to the thread

In either case, stop it. Just post your jokes in one post separated by a series of underscores or hyphens.

[Jenny]

Originally posted by Passwird


In either case, stop it. Just post your jokes in one post separated by a series of underscores or hyphens.

Why should he? I'm enjoying it! lol They are almost all funny. ehhehehe I heard the vibrating penis one a long time ago but it still cracks me up. :)

[Hiro]

it may not be the time to be laughing...but a lot of those made me laugh. Thanks gotmilk

[Nanotech9]

can we say the "P" word on air? (i mean in the forums?) :heh:

[theHNIC]

a skeleton walks into a bar and says "can i have a pint of bear and a mop".....

[theHNIC]

A guy gets in a horrible carwreck and his eyelids are ripped off,,,,to replace the skin they take the skin from his penis,,,,,,after the surgery his wife asks the doctor if he's gonna be ok,,,the doctor replies " he should be fine but he's gonna be cock-eyed for the rest of his life."


P.S. To everyone that thinks I should post all the jokes in a single thread, I have a one word answer for yall...........NO.

Unless told by someone with a lil bit more authority, I will continue to do it the way I want.

No disrespect intended

[theHNIC]

for mature audiences:

Two gay guys... Fred & Bill are having dinner in a fine restaurant one night, when across the room Fred see's a young girl choking and her mom yelling "my daughter is choking my daughter is choking"!!! Fred immediately tells Bill to stand up and pull down his pants, Bill responds "why"? Fred says JUST DO IT..... Bill does and Fred starts to lick Bill's butt repeatedly... while across the room the little girl see's this and upchucks the piece of meat... Fred says to Bill, you see I told you that hindlick manuever works!!!

[theHNIC]

A jockey wins a race, rides into the paddock, jumps off his horse, goes round to the back, lifts up it's tail and kisses it's arse. One of the stewards says "Why did you do that?" "I've got chapped lips" the jockey replies. "Does that cure chapped lips?" asks the steward. "No, but it stops me licking them" replies the jockey.

[theHNIC]

a guy is on a golf course. A frog jumps over to him, while the guy pulls a club out of his bag. "Ribbit... 9 iron" croaks the frog. Confused, the guy puts the club back and pulls out the 9 iron. PLOP!! he eagles the hole. He moves onto the next hole, and the frog follows him. "Ribbit... 3 wood" PLOP!! Hole in one. The guy turns to the frog and says "hey, u r a lucky frog aren't u." He decides to take the frog down to the casion that night. "What shall I play?" asks the guy "Ribbit... roulette..." croaks his green friend. So the guy moves onto the roulette table. "Ribbit... 15 red" it croaks again. The money is soon rolling across the table to the guy. Later that night, the guy takes the frog to his hotel room. "Is there anything I can do in return?" asks the guy. So the frog croaks "ribbit... give us a kiss" The guy is a little embarrassed but decides that the frog deserves it, so he kisses the frog, as it transforms into the most gorgeous blone 16 year- old girl he had ever seen. "...and that, your honour is how the girl ended up in my hotel room."

[theHNIC]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. ''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome anymore in the paint store either.''

[theHNIC]

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again" The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."



OK....no more for a while

[Jenny]

lol I love em. Thanks milk

[theHNIC]

I have more....just need the go ahead from just one person

[Jenny]

Go ahead gotmilk. lol I've laughed at almost all of them. :)

[theHNIC]

a deaf couple r in bed, and r discussing how they no if each other wants to have sex. the woman signs: "If you want sex, squeeze my left breast, if u don't, squeeze my right breast." The guys signs back: "If u want sex, pull my pen** once, if u don't pull my pen** seventy times!"

[theHNIC]

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. That's not funny

[theHNIC]

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, "C'MON" blah, blah, "YOU AND I" blah, blah, blah, blah, "ON THE FLOOR" blah, blah, blah, blah, "NO CLOTHES" blah, blah, blah, blah, "RIGHT NOW!!"

[theHNIC]

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?' The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop." The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call them wieners." Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?"

[theHNIC]

why doesn't Santa have any children?? cause he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney

[theHNIC]

a blonde, a brunette and a red head discover this mirror that sucks you in when you lie... The brunette says to the mirror...I think i am the prettiest girl in the world, and she got sucked in...the red head says to it i think i am the fastest runner in the world, and she got sucked in...then the blonde says to the mirror....well i think...and she got sucked in

[theHNIC]

one day this lady and her daughter heard a knock on the door..they answered it to find no one there...this happened all day untill they opened the door to find a large coffin with a knife...it chased after them trying to kill them...suddenly the daughter went into the bathroom and rummaged around in the cabinet..the mother asked what she was doing..the daughter pulled out some vicks vapour rub and yelled "vicks stops the coughin!!!"

[theHNIC]

There are a bunch of women sitting at a get together... One stands up and says lets play a game... What type of soft drink reminds you of your husband in a sexual way? 1st lady says it has to be a "COKE"... asked why, she relies becuase he makes me smile... Another lady says "7UP"... and thats because he is about 7 inches and he's always up... the ladies all giggle... One lady stands up and answers "Squirt"... and thats because he squirts all over me... The last lady speaks up and says "Jack Daniels"... the other ladies look at her and say "THATS NOT A SOFT DRINK" no replies the lady, but he's a hard licker!!

[theHNIC]

whats the diff between a young virgin and a brick? you can lay a brick and it won't follow you around for three weeks

[theHNIC]

what do a turtle and a blonde have in common? once thier on thier back thier screwed

[theHNIC]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss! What do you call a homo dinosaur? Megasoreass!

[theHNIC]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you??" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The Lord is all powerful and that we are all small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent!!"

[theHNIC]

OK...somebody delete this

Ok, I will. Careful, that was in VERY bad taste.

[eSDee]

Originally posted by gotmilk
crappy joke

The thread is titled "on a lighter note". Delete that joke please.

[Sir_Froggy]

Originally posted by The Happy Squirrel
HE SAID/SHE SAID


He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."


got these in an email thought you might enjoy a change from all the killing and bombing threads



ahahahahahhhha those are hilarious! :heh:

ahahahhahhahha lololol those are hilarious gotmilk :heh:

ur a very funny guy :P

[hapoo]

keep'em comin' gotmilk!!!!!!!! :heh:

[Tuvi]

Originally posted by Brendan


:laugh: I can't believe that actually made me laugh. me too! and i never laugh!

[The Happy Squirrel]

GotMilk? since i started thjis thread it is my decree that you can pst in whatver style you wnat
all at once
one at a time
of half jokes
ya know half now the punch line tomorow
thank you for contributing

whatever

and since rank and postings font matter to him, passwird shouldnt care how many posts you use

this is joke thread not a "dont post so much thread" come on guys i think you can find somehting better to bicker about

how can you tell..... oh wiat probally sholdnt post that one

okay cheesy
A horse walks into a bar. the baternder says, "Why the long face?"

[Sir_Froggy]

ahahaha that's hilarious squirrel! :heh:

oh here's one...not one i'mma tell but one u can do

so ur at someone'es house for something dinner, party iono

and the room is kinda hot so u yell for a friend that is across the room and u use ur hand making it look like u want them to come but when they get there u say "boy it's hot in here"
ahahahahahaha :heh: i crak myself up

oh here's another
it doesn't work too well when u type it but is grate when u say it
u say "What do u call a fish with only one 'i'?

they will think 'i' as in eye

than u say fsh
ahahaha get it?? :heh:

[The Happy Squirrel]

WHY DO BAGPIPERS WALK AS THEY PLAY?
To get away from the sound.

DIVORCED BARBIE

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "



http://www.farmjokes.com/email/extra/x040901.jpg

[The Happy Squirrel]

What do you call a 350 lb stripper?

Broke!
___________________

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

______________________________


heheh this one is kinda long but great nonetheless

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

[The Happy Squirrel]

im sorry for this one but it has to be done......

Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?
He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.

__________________________

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


_______________________________________

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''

___________________________________________

[The Happy Squirrel]

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO


___________________________-

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[The Happy Squirrel]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

[theHNIC]

Lady goes into the carpet store.She bends over to feel the carpet and farts. She looks up to see if anyone noticed and there was the salesman.Trying to change the subject,she asks how much the carpet was. The salesman says"Lady if you farted just touching it, your gonna **** when you hear the price."

[welfareloser]

straight outta my free FHM subscription:

a man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling outta his butt. "that looks nsaty," sez the doc. "nasty?" says the guy. "doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg..."


while cutting wood in his workshop, jim manages to slice ALL his fingers off with the power saw. he sprints to the hospital, where the nurse tells him, "sorry, sir, but without your fingers, we can't do anything except stop the bleeding. if you go back and get them, we can sew them back on." nodding dejectedly, jim wanders out of the ER and comes back an hour later. "did you get your fingers?" asks the nurse. "no," says jim. "i couldn't pick them up."

[theHNIC]

a man and his son are walking down the street and they come across two dogs having sex. the boy says ,dad what are they doing and the dad says They are making a puppy.that night he hears loud noise coming from his parents room and says what are you doing? the dad says they are making a baby.THe boy says,flip her over because i want a puppy

[theHNIC]

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: Drowns

[theHNIC]

a big executive comes into the town and asks the hotel bellboy to fix him up with some hookers.the hookers happened to be all busy that night so the bellboy figures the executive will be pretty wasted that night and he just puts a blowup doll in his bed.sure enough the business man comes in and stumbles up to his room drunk off his ass. the next morning the bellboy asked how he liked the company.the man said ,that was the weirdest girl ive ever been with.the bellboy asks,how come?the man says i took my clothes off ,lied down on top of her ,i nibbled on her neck and she farted and flew out the window

[theHNIC]

what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, you already TOLD her twice!

[theHNIC]

What did the elephant say to the naked man? It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

[theHNIC]

For females: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[theHNIC]

Man wraps himself in saranwrap, and goes to see his psychiatrist. Doc. says-I can clearly see your're nuts!

[theHNIC]

A lady receives a call from the undertaker's to say her late husband's cock is so large they cant get the coffin shut and could she call in, when she arrives she tells them to cut it off he wont be needing it anymore, the undertaker then asks what to do with it, she replies stick it up his arse, so they do, as they are about to shut the lid she notices a tear in his eye, and says there now you know what it feels like.

[theHNIC]

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? --- A: Oral sex makes your whole day, Anal sex makes your hole weak.

[theHNIC]

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

[theHNIC]

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

[theHNIC]

a cop pulls a guy over for speeding and calls for backup when the driver says that the car is stolen, there is a gun in the glovebox, and a dead body in the trunk. help quickly arrives, and a captain approaches with gun drawn. "license and registration", demands the captain. "sure here you go", says the driver. the car is registered in his name. the captain checks the glovebox and the trunk, no gun or dead body. "i don't understand", says the captain. "the officer who stopped you said that you stole the car, had a gun, and had a body in the trunk". "yeah, i'll bet that sob told you i was speeding too".

[theHNIC]

a man takes his son to the farm 1 day and the see 2 pigs shaggin and the son says "wot are they doin?" dad says they are makin cakes. walkin on a lil further when they c 2 sheeps shaggin son says "daddy wot are they doin?" dad says "they are makin cakes". Later on that nite the son walks in on his parents shaggin, looks and walks back out. the next mornin the child says to the dad " i saw u and mummy makin cakes last nite and icing woz running down her leg!"

[Nanotech9]

I once knew a blonde that was so stupid that...

She called me to get my phone number.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She sat on the TV and watched the couch.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

[OC]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"