oblongmelon
10-17-2001, 09:02 PM
Take note of #13..A true brain surgeon if I ever heard of one.
When Reality Is Better then Fiction
1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, robber James Elliot did something that can
only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned,
this time it worked.
2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama,
redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his
eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said
agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in
four years.'
3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in
Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback
when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being
carried to the grave. Before they could react to this
unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest
road, where she was run over and killed by a passing
car.
5. An American tourist in South America had the
misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on
the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into
the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather
coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a
refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a
passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head
off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a
sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old
youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old
wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with
his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this
is right... but I understand...It's a Chicago
thang'...)
9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was
chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients
he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and
offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L
Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of
his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to
local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they
play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no
revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one
bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a
semiautomatic.
12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row
from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is
bad for their health. However, to compensate for this,
condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick
of celery.
13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train. When asked about how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving
train before he was hit.
14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced
a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol -
after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an
airport.
15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban
government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching
and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on
its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi
has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal,
saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a
public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of
Westerners.
16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked
him to give her an examination to determine the cause
of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the
doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady!
Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with
fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the
window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of
course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the
last time this happened, a star appeared in the east,
and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant."
When Reality Is Better then Fiction
1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, robber James Elliot did something that can
only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned,
this time it worked.
2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama,
redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his
eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said
agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in
four years.'
3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in
Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback
when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being
carried to the grave. Before they could react to this
unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest
road, where she was run over and killed by a passing
car.
5. An American tourist in South America had the
misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on
the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into
the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather
coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a
refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a
passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head
off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a
sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old
youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old
wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with
his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this
is right... but I understand...It's a Chicago
thang'...)
9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was
chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients
he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and
offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L
Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of
his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to
local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they
play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no
revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one
bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a
semiautomatic.
12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row
from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is
bad for their health. However, to compensate for this,
condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick
of celery.
13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train. When asked about how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving
train before he was hit.
14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced
a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol -
after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an
airport.
15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban
government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching
and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on
its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi
has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal,
saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a
public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of
Westerners.
16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked
him to give her an examination to determine the cause
of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the
doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady!
Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with
fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the
window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of
course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the
last time this happened, a star appeared in the east,
and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant."