oblongmelon
10-25-2001, 05:14 AM
Subject: How to Win the Battle in Afghanistan
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop
us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us
do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left
already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good
man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning.
We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and
the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a
pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan
with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal
warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for
how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We
know
how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the
government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hate women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop
us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us
do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left
already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good
man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning.
We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and
the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a
pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan
with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal
warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for
how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We
know
how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the
government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hate women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.