View Full Version : monty python fans UNTIE!
12-18-2001, 06:52 PM
This isn't a quote, but I just wanted to mention the holy hand granade.:heh: :heh:
12-18-2001, 07:59 PM
Um, untie what? Our shoes?
Sorry, couldn't resist!
12-18-2001, 07:59 PM
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs.
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face, and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
Till we're blown away!
12-18-2001, 09:46 PM
"Look, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power lies in a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."
"I mean, if I went around, saying I was emporer just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
"You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you."
"Shut up! Will you shut up!"
"Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system!"
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"
"I would like to buy a fish license please."
"A license for my pet fish, Eric."
"How d'you know me name's Eric?"
"Nononono.. My fish's name is Eric. He's a halibut."
"He is annnn halibut."
"You've got a pet halibut?"
"Yes, chose 'em out of thousands. Didn't like the others, they were all so flat."
12-18-2001, 09:50 PM
"Go, or I shall insult you again." I think that's it, it may be off a bit.
oh, and props to the Holy Hand Grenade.
12-18-2001, 10:03 PM
Every sperm is Sacred....
Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Know what I mean?
12-18-2001, 10:40 PM
"What makes you think she's a witch?"
"Well, she turned me into a newt."
"I got better ..."
"You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."
"Oh, had enough, eh?"
"Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left."
"Just a flesh wound."
12-18-2001, 11:33 PM
There was one sketch on the old Flying Circus show where some guy went into the department store and asked about prices, but the sales clerks would always multipy or divide their price answers. Grr, I only vaguely remember this but it was hilarious. And then there was a guy who would start singing unless someone stood in the box or something.
Gotta be on the web somewhere, time to go googling...
12-19-2001, 07:12 AM
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS
STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.
12-19-2001, 07:23 AM
oh - and here's your holy hand grenade bit.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis
one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother
Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
How does it, uh... how does it work?
???: I know not, my liege.
???: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high,
saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou
mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord
did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and
carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either
count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards
thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
???: Three, sir!
12-19-2001, 07:27 AM
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal,
read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead?
Cleveland: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
12-19-2001, 11:44 AM
Say no more!
Say no more!
Nudge nudge, wink wink!
Know what I mean!
Say no more!
12-19-2001, 11:45 AM
props to "The Funniest Joke In The World"
12-19-2001, 11:48 AM
isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.
it's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick.
from the tiniest little tadger, to the world's biggest prick.
so three cheers for your willy or john thomas.
hoooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
your persey(??) or your cock.
you can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock.
but don't take it out in public, or they'll stick you in the dock.
and you won't, a'come, a'back.
ohhh, thank you very much.
12-19-2001, 12:50 PM
Originally posted by chosenfool
:spam: :spam: :spam: :spam: :spam:
MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
[They are stunned.]
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice
[CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER turns to some others.]
MAN: I told him we already got one.
[They all giggle.]
ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?
MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
[Murmurs of assent.]
MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.
[He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.]
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
ARTHUR: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...
MAN: Fetchez la vache!
MAN: Fetchez la vache!
[CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.]
[CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.]
ARTHUR: Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!
[A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.]
ROBIN: What a cruel thing to do.
BEDEVERE: (Choking back tears) It hadn't even been milked.
12-19-2001, 08:54 PM
I never wanted to do this job in the first place!
I... I wanted to be...
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????
I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy
12-20-2001, 03:42 AM
... then you take the mosquito and skin him like so....
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