"best man" Questions

[miluap]

I just got engaged. Yeah!, but I’m having a problem picking my best man. So I wanted the opinion of a bunch of people I don’t know. I have two friends an old friend and a new friend. I have known the old friend since 2nd grade, and we were best friends then. I knew his parent very well, and I was practically their 2nd son. But, we went to different high schools and we started drifting apart. We eventually attended the same college, but we had different friends and we hung out together rarely, and due to personal problems my old friend left school after the first year, and we didn’t speak for a year. Recently, we have started to hang out together more often, but our friends are still mostly different.

My new friend I met in high school. We share most of the same friends and we hang out once a week. We went to different colleges, but we kept the friendship going and we are still good friends today.

So my question is should I pick the old friend who I have known for a long time, who I have strong family ties with, and who I recently started to hang out with again, or should I pick the new friend, who knows all my friends, and who I mostly hang out with today. Personally I feel like I’m closer to my new friend, but I have a lot of history with my old friend and feels like family to me.

Also how should I break it to the friend I do not choose.


Paul

[welfareloser]

the new friend. (or maybe whichever one would be hurt less by not being asked.)

and don't "break it to" the other guy. just ask him to be a groomsman... you can have as many of them as you want, and he's a butt if he isn't happy to be asked to be in your wedding, whether or not it's as the "best man." he should know where your friendship stands and not decide that getting "passed over" for best man has some hidden crappy meaning (that's the girls' job, anyway.) generally, you have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsman so they look all pretty and symmetrical walking down the aisle and in the pictures. and girls always want to get all dressed up with their friends, and i have never seen a wedding with fewer than three accessory chicks-in-dresses tagging along behind the bride.

alternatively, you can break any damned "rules" you want, because all rules pertaining to weddings are stupid. call them both your best man, and split the duties of best man between them.

if you're set on having a small wedding and only one best man and one maid of honor, and no groomsmen or bridesmaids, consider not having a best man (or maid of honor) at all. ask them to do readings, be ushers, or something else significant.

you can do anything you want. the important thing to remember is that the wedding belongs to you and your fiancee, not anyone's mother or friens or anyone else, so don't let anyone bully you into making decisions you aren't happy with or make you feel bad about wanting your wedding your way... do it your way, be happy, and don't stress out about the chatter from the peanut gallery. there are certain things in life that everybody has an opinion about (and their opinion is always utterly correct and non-negotiable)... these things are: how a wedding has to be, what you should name your kids, what a pregnant woman should or should not do, and the proper way to handle a pissed off toddler, but these are exactly the things that should be YOUR decision. so get used to ignoring pushy friends and relatives now, cuz it never ends! :D

[mojo]

one has proven his worth. you know he'll always be there. not knowing your age or anything, i dont know how "new" this new friend is. but it seems that time is the proof.

you'd have to weigh things based on information that only you have. do you feel like this "new guy" is a long term friend? the other one already is. an event like this is sure to bring you closer again as well.

there are simply a lot of variables here. you just need to sort them out. it's best to make a list of pros and cons of each one. but the opinions of others...well, let's just say that if you go to g|a and get "advice," it's simply not a "random sampling." there's gonna be a slant. weigh what people say based on how it affects you and how much sense it makes. but also remember that this is a big decision and that there will be cons for every pro that is given by a stranger...as well as pros for every con. list those and make your choice.

[eSDee]

The choice depends solely on who you think would throw you the better Bachelor party. Everything else is trivial ;)

[mojo]

Originally posted by cpugeek04

basicly, who buys the best strippers. remember the episode of friends with chandler's fake bachelor party? :P

that was no stripper!

[ufcrusher]

Well it really depends on whom you see as a better friend.

For example, you said that you have been friends with the old friend since the first grade, but over time you have drifted apart, pursued separate interests, and basically have only occasional contact with. To me that doesnt seem to be a very good friendship.

On the other hand you have a "newer" friendship that you have been maintaining for years and seem to have a pretty good relationship with. TO me that sounds like a closer friendship, which is what people base their choice of best man on.

That said, one of my friends recently disclosed to me and another one of our friends that he couldnt decide between the two of us as groomsmen so he went with a "newer" college friend. We have been friends since he moved to the area in grade school, stayed relatively close during college (in other words talked and saw each other whenever possible), and stay in contact to the present.

Now, my friend and I who were passed over are both annoyed by the slight, but dont hold it against him. We realize that although we are still friends, it isnt the same friendship that we had, and there are others in his life whom he has more contact with. But, at the same time, it was a D_ck move to tell us about it.

Compare that with another situation (mine) whereby my best friend whom I have been friends with for over 22 years is my best man and my groomsmen are a good college buddy (been friends for over 7 years now) and two of my closer childhood friends, the ones that go out of their way to stay in contact and see me (and vice versa) after all these years.

I have gone with the people that I feel are better friends and those that have been with me through out everything. I think that is the best way to do it.

So, I guess it comes down to chosing the people who you feel are "family" more than just friends. The ones who you can always count on to bail you out of a jam, even if it means screwing up their weekend. The one that would actually come a few thousand miles to visit you, and not care about do anything othe than just chilling out with a good friend he hasnt seen in forever.

Thats my take on it.

[ironchef]

Originally posted by welfareloser
and don't "break it to" the other guy. just ask him to be a groomsman... you can have as many of them as you want, and he's a butt if he isn't happy to be asked to be in your wedding, whether or not it's as the "best man." he should know where your friendship stands and not decide that getting "passed over" for best man has some hidden crappy meaning (that's the girls' job, anyway.) generally, you have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsman so they look all pretty and symmetrical walking down the aisle and in the pictures. and girls always want to get all dressed up with their friends, and i have never seen a wedding with fewer than three accessory chicks-in-dresses tagging along behind the bride.
:stupid:

my wife and i had a pretty non-traditional wedding. on her side was her college roommate, her sister and brother in-law. her sis and bro in-law were "honored attendants". on my side i had my best friend as my best man and my two brothers and sister as my groom's guys. it wasn't symmetrical, but they all had their own spouses and significant others to dance with, so it wasn't a problem. i also wanted my brothers involved, so i asked one to write something for a reading. it was great!

i'd say include your new friend as he's probably been much more involved in your new relationship than the old one. that was what was important to us. but like welfare said, if you want your old friend involved, have him usher or read or something. it'll work out!

[miluap]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I asked my newer friend (Well we've know each other for 8 and a half years now so I'll call him my newer friend) and he said yes. Now I have the undesirable task of telling my old friend. I will be using your suggestions. Thanks.

Paul

[molecularfire]

Darn... too late. Well... I'll put in my 2 cents anyways. Ask for future wife which one she prefers as a best man. Might as well get used to taking directions from now on anyways. :P (j/k). Seriously though... Congrats. and I'm sure your older friend will understand.

[oblongmelon]

I was going to add that if the choice is that difficult then ask a relative-father,brother,sister,cousin..sometimes those work best-then you can have BOTH friends as groomsmen.