jokes

[tupacboy]

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when
she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You¡¯re probably the
best lover I¡¯ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me
splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice
from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio¡¯s
relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator
and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store,
where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the
store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good
with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

[tupacboy]

One day the Pope is coming to America in his limo and he said to the driver,
"Why don't you let me drive for once?"

The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can't say no to this guy, he's the
pope."

So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun,
hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while, the driver taps
on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled
over."

The Pope says, "Ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up
the window and continues to drive very fast.

After a few moments, he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the
Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says,"Oh, I,
ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."

The Pope says, "Sure." The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the
station. He says, "Guys, I just pulled over some one really important."

They ask who, "An ambassador?"

"No more important."

"The president of another country."

"No more important."

"The President?"

"No even more important."

"Well who is it?"

"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

[tupacboy]

An Englishman, an American and an Indian were invited to a meeting for some
conversation regarding a burning topic.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues, he starts
by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the American and the Indian ask him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium, the American thought to himself, "I'll do one
better than that English bastard", and started his speech by making an
antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest
and his groin.

When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he
explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was
starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium, the Indian thought to himself "I'll go one
further than those foreigners," and started his speech by making an antler
symbol above his head, rubbing his chest and his groin, and then
masturbating furiously.

When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he
explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and my groin, and then
masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, "Deer Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

[tupacboy]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on
autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that
you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and
then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the
corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of silence, they each
follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
Please observe, I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I
licked my index finger."

[tupacboy]

Lewis' cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the
equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the
switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as
his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he
couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't
find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but
without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hotline.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine will release
automatically once it has collected two gallons."

[tupacboy]

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first man,
"Religion?"

The first man replies, "Episcopalian."

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "go to room 24. But be very quiet as
you pass room 8." St. Peter asks the second man, "Religion?"

The second man replies, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as
you pass room 8." To the third man, St. Peter asks. "Religion?"

The third man replies, "Baptist."

St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21. But be very quiet as
you pass room 8."

The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being
different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we
pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the catholics are in room 8, and they think
they're the only ones here."

[whitak24]

the indian one was hilarious. i had never seen it before.
the first two were OBGs too :heh:

[Jenny]

Great jokes! :D I loved the milk machine one. :heh:

[BigJon]

Originally posted by tupacboy
"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

Unfortuneately, he would "sand himself down" after a couple of days worth of this.... :heh:

[molecularfire]

Re: The fourth one...

Hehehehehehe:heh: :heh: :heh: My friend is TA'ing a summer anatomy lab session. gotta send this to him. :heh: