DoPeY5007
08-11-2002, 11:27 PM
New Rules Of The Office..will be effective immediately...
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from
8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20
to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from
8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20
to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.