Help me help my wife help her friend...

[WhiskeyPapa]

I hope it's ok to post here. I mainly wanted a woman's opinion...

My wife has a good friend who is 28 years old, single, and has some... um... "issues". She seems to have a very low self-esteem level and for some reason thinks she needs a husband to fix all of her problems.

She is almost manic about her desire to get married. She is really desperately pathetic (or pathetically desperate?) She doesn't even have a boyfriend, and I personally think she drives away any guy who is half-way interested in her because she is so focused on getting married.

For example, she went to visit a friend in a state about 400 miles away. While she was there, she met one of her friends male acquaintances, and somehow decided that he was "the one". A few weeks later she made plans for a return trip, under the guise of visiting her friend again. The real reason was she wanted to see the guy again and start planning their "future". Well, she got there after ten hours of driving, only to find out that the guy had signed up for double-shifts at work that weekend! Why would a guy waste his weekend working double shifts? To avoid this kind of pressure!

Now she has signed up for some on-line dating service. She told my wife how she described herself - one of the terms she used was "Stable". :rolleyes: She keeps asking my wife for her advice, but my wife is hesitant to give it, because the truth may be too hard to take. This girl also gets very mad if you don't say exactly what she wants to hear...

To make it worse, my wife really doesn't have the same frame of reference - she married me when she was 19, and basically moved out of her parents house into mine. My wife knows that marriage won't fix all her friends problems, and her unrealistic expectations may also harm her marriage if she ever does get married...

My wife unloads this stuff on me all the time, and I don't know what to say. I'm a guy, and I like to fix things. This is one thing I can't fix. Maybe I'm better off just shutting up and listening...

[latingirl]

I don't have any patience for people who "get mad when you don't tell them what they want to hear" so if you want to be sensitive to that, I can't help you there. I say tell it anyway and then when she gets mad tell her not to ask you anymore.

With regard to the husband "fix all". She's asking for trouble and a short-term marraige. She needs to start dealing with her own issues "first", then she will be able to best determine who would be a proper mate for her. Also, its selfish, the guy deserves to be happy to, right?? Who is she going to be in HIS life. Has she even thought about that. If she is just going to be dependent and needy she has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship.

Bottom line: She has no business thinking about marraige until she can function as a whole, independent person by HERSELF. If she can't do what it takes to make HERSELF happy...a man certainly won't be able to and its not fair to ask that of him.

[whitak24]

Originally posted by latingirl
I don't have any patience for people who "get mad when you don't tell them what they want to hear" so if you want to be sensitive to that, I can't help you there. I say tell it anyway and then when she gets mad tell her not to ask you anymore.

With regard to the husband "fix all". She's asking for trouble and a short-term marraige. She needs to start dealing with her own issues "first", then she will be able to best determine who would be a proper mate for her. Also, its selfish, the guy deserves to be happy to, right?? Who is she going to be in HIS life. Has she even thought about that. If she is just going to be dependent and needy she has nothing to bring to the table in a relationship.

Bottom line: She has no business thinking about marraige until she can function as a whole, independent person by HERSELF. If she can't do what it takes to make HERSELF happy...a man certainly won't be able to and its not fair to ask that of him.
i agree with all your points....but i have a feeling that kb does too.

basically, what he's saying is "what can i tell my wife to have this chica do?"

my answer is: probably nothing. i mean, i know the feeling of wanting to "fix" things (in general, i think that's a major difference between the way an average man views a problem and the way an average woman views a problem: the man wants to fix it, where as the woman wants to explore it and talk about it so she can deal with it. i know there are many exceptions to this, but i think it's fairly broad way of generalizing).

however, i'm not sure that there's anything that either kb or his wife can do. especially since said lady friend is not into "constructive criticism".

about the only thing i can think of is if there's any way that you can find a counsellor who can talk to this girl under the guise of "making her more attractive to potential wedding victims" but who can actually try to deal with some of the underlying problems.

of course, some people just don't want to be helped, and when you run into them.....i don't know what you do :disa:

[Pinkgirl36]

Ok this chick has serious issues, if she gets mad when someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, then just tell your wife to tell her that she needs to learn to accept criticism when she asks people a question because the answer may not always be something she wants to hear.
Also your wife should tell her that her situation with you and getting married is different from hers.
And there really isn't anything that YOU can do....this woman needs help if she thinks that getting married to some dude that doesn't even exsist in her life is going to solve her problems or make everything easier.

Or...you can help whatever guy she's going after and tell him to run really fast and far in the direction away from her.... :hehehmm:

[jujubees]

If she had such a low opinion of herself, she couldn't possibly launch herself at a guy and talk of "planning a future together," so maybe a "poor sense of self" might be a better description? :confused:

So she's nearing 30 and feels the biological clock ticking. Tell us more about her ... are all of her friends and co-workers married? Maybe she feels like she needs to get married so that she'll have more things in common with her group of friends.

Does your wife constantly talk about how happily married she is? Tell her to stop doing it. In fact, have her start exaggerating some of your annoying habits (we know you have some ;)). Help her see that marriage isn't the solution to every problem, but is a possible catalyst for more headaches that didn't exist in single life.

[Showtime]

This girl has serious problems and needs help.

She should re-evaluate what values she has and why she has them.

BTW what does she look like and is she less than 400 miles for L.A.?



;)


-jel:halo:

[iDave]

I think it’s pretty clear; she has set herself up in all of the worst ways. It’s so hard to watch someone go through this kind of thing. Like watching a child playing on a train track with the train baring down.

My wife and I have two friends in particular that have been in similar circumstances. One got nervous about being single and pretty much threw her ideals out of the window. She is married now, but it is not at all what she really wanted or expected. Another friend who is now 42 is still single and has a great life. She would love to be married but she does not let that get in the way of growing as a person and having lots of goods friends. She also does not let it make her desperate.

I think it is great that you want to help this girl and it is worth trying. Just remember that the responsibility for the outcome is not yours or your wife’s. If your wife stays involved she will probably need to be reminded of that.

For telling her the things she does not want to hear, try the indirect approach – like telling her about another friend, relative, etc. that has gone through similar circumstances and the consequences of her actions/attitudes, good or bad with some discussion about why things came out the way they did. Do you have any “old” married/formerly married friends (ladies) that have learned some lessons the hard way or have a lot of wisdom to offer? Maybe a dinner where the desperate friend and wise friend are both invited could help. Leading questions can also be a nice somewhat indirect approach.

It is kind of your wife to be a good friend and to listen. It is not a bad thing for her to challenge her friend and gently tell her the truth. Be persistent but know when to draw the line. Listen, but only when she will listen also. If the friend can talk at length about her life, then she can listen to what your wife has to say. If she will not listen to your wife at all then it is not a friendship but something much less and it may well be time to move on.

Ok. My wife has just walked in and adds:
Our happy, though single friend mentioned above has an active and fulfilling life that is primarily concerned with the needs of others. Getting involved with others to meet their needs and not necessarily your own can do wonders.

[sleepminded]

Originally posted by Pinkgirl36
Ok this chick has serious issues, if she gets mad when someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, then just tell your wife to tell her that she needs to learn to accept criticism when she asks people a question because the answer may not always be something she wants to hear.
Also your wife should tell her that her situation with you and getting married is different from hers.
And there really isn't anything that YOU can do....this woman needs help if she thinks that getting married to some dude that doesn't even exsist in her life is going to solve her problems or make everything easier.

Or...you can help whatever guy she's going after and tell him to run really fast and far in the direction away from her.... :hehehmm:

:stupid: and no, i dotn think that you are stupid, unlike many people in this forum :shifty:
yea, she has problems, i'd run away as fast as i could...and then get some of that inhaler stuff, then run away some more :dead:

[kain9i6]

Is she hot?? I'll marry her.. I need the lower insurance payments and the tax break..