ultimatums & marriage

[TERRIBLETOM]

I was listening to a talk show on the radio on my way home tonight and the topic of course was ultimatums and marriage, it basically started off as what would be your response if one wanted to get married or they would leave. A lot of different issues came up such as how long they were dating and were they living together and so on, but the one issue that didn't come up was maturity, I do not expect a 23 year old to have the same values and maturity as a 40 year old. So to plot a scenario if I was 23 years old and after 3 years was given an ultimatum of course I would probably say no, I wouldn't expect any man or woman too, but If I was 40 years old and even after a year I think i would be experienced in life and mature enough to make a long life decision such as this and I would probably say yes. I am curious to know your views on this, would you be upset if someone gave you an ultimatum at 23? and do you think that at 40 years old you know what you want in life enough to date a person for one year and say yes to marriage. Can you tell this topic had my pants all up in a bunch for the ride home?

[Hunny]

Originally posted by TERRIBLETOM
I was listening to a talk show on the radio on my way home tonight and the topic of course was ultimatums and marriage, it basically started off as what would be your response if one wanted to get married or they would leave. A lot of different issues came up such as how long they were dating and were they living together and so on, but the one issue that didn't come up was maturity, I do not expect a 23 year old to have the same values and maturity as a 40 year old. So to plot a scenario if I was 23 years old and after 3 years was given an ultimatum of course I would probably say no, I wouldn't expect any man or woman too, but If I was 40 years old and even after a year I think i would be experienced in life and mature enough to make a long life decision such as this and I would probably say yes. I am curious to know your views on this, would you be upset if someone gave you an ultimatum at 23? and do you think that at 40 years old you know what you want in life enough to date a person for one year and say yes to marriage. Can you tell this topic had my pants all up in a bunch for the ride home?

At the risk of having the (hurtful truth ) told to me on here once again lol :P
I won't go into the whole sordid story....BUT... :D ...Lets just say I married in my teens...and I remember distinctly being told...if you don't marry me, I'll leave and you won't see me ever... :hmm: at the time, in my immature mind, marrying wasn't my only option,but the best one...:eyeroll: or so I thought...
I'm in my 40's now...and I can honestly say no way would I have gotten married that young if I had to repeat that part of my life knowing what I know now...Hindsight is a lovely thing...

I wasn't ready for marriage though I'm still married to the same man after 25 years... I don't believe I was ready...or anyone for that matter, is...nor are you ready in your early 20's...I dont believe the maturity is there...as much as you'd like to believe it is...
You're just not mature enough to know what you want at that early age....it isn't happening....

Its funny...I grew up with people who married the same time I did...had kids right along with me...we sent our kids to the same schools...did the whole "PTO/parent involvment community thing...and then one by one...most of them seperated/divorced in their 40's...odd...we all married when we were in our late teens early 20's....
Midlife crisis? nahhh..
You think maybe their just figuring it all out...

Hows THAT for sweet apples..:P

~cheers to the New Years~


Wheres my candybar :bonk:

[eSDee]

If you're 40 and mature it should probably take less than a year to figure out if the girl/guy is right for you.

[Merlin]

If it takes an ultimatum then it is probably not the right thing to do. :shrug:

[johnnymk]

The last woman I dated gave me an ultimatum, because she knew I would always have plenty of excuses. Well, I gave her an engagement ring and several years down the road, I knew for sure it would never work, so I ended it. Expensive lesson, but cheaper than going through a divorce.

[TERRIBLETOM]

Originally posted by johnnymk
The last woman I dated gave me an ultimatum, because she knew I would always have plenty of excuses. Well, I gave her an engagement ring and several years down the road, I knew for sure it would never work, so I ended it. Expensive lesson, but cheaper than going through a divorce. In the end were you happy with your decision? was it a lesson well learned and how old were you then. I'm just trying to compare to the people I heard calling in on the radio talk show.

[johnnymk]

I was 50 at the time. I went with her for 5 years. I missed her for about 6 months, but got on with my life.
Pickings are very slim at my age. I have a nice cat that keeps me company and she is a lot less work and more appreciative than most of the women I dated.

[Pinkgirl36]

I don't think I would ever give someone an ultimatum...
Sure we've talked about marriage...but I am 20 years old right now...I don't even want to get engaged until I am done with school, which would make me about 25 ( going part time ) I don't want to get married until I would be ATLEAST 27 or 28, and IF I were to marry the person I was with now that would mean we were together 10 years, but I would NEVER tell someone either we get married or it's over...I honestly think that people that do stuff like that has serious issues and shouldn't be getting married anyways when it will probably end in divorce....

[mcs328]

I don't respond well to ultimatiums. I'm secure in myself and have accepted and comfortable with the idea of being unmarried if I never find the right one.

It'll be rough but that's what video games and porn is for. To keep us company. Oh...and snow to ski on in the winter and boats to fish on in the summer. :)

[welfareloser]

Originally posted by Merlin
If it takes an ultimatum then it is probably not the right thing to do. :shrug:

exactly. why do you want to force someone to do something they aren't doing on their own? it's one thing to say "i am at a stage in my life where this isn't enough, i want marriage or i want someone else..." that's just being honest. it's another thing to say "say you'll marry me or i'm leaving! say it! say it!!!!!" it's trying real hard to force your relationship can be something that it is not... and it can only end in misery.

[WhiskeyPapa]

An "ultimatum" is probably too strong, but I do believe that people (especially women) need to eventually say "Hey, are we getting married sometime or not?"

Guys are most likely to "get comfortable" in a perpetual dating relationship. They need a little prod to move them into the next level of committment.

There's a lot of truth in the old axiom "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"!

[Jihforce]

Originally posted by welfareloser

exactly. why do you want to force someone to do something they aren't doing on their own? it's one thing to say "i am at a stage in my life where this isn't enough, i want marriage or i want someone else..." that's just being honest. it's another thing to say "say you'll marry me or i'm leaving! say it! say it!!!!!" it's trying real hard to force your relationship can be something that it is not... and it can only end in misery.

Yeah those two are very different. I don't see anything wrong with telling your SO that. There are some girls out there that are unsure but stay with a guy because she's is waiting for that right guy to come along. Who wants to be that guy and wait for the girl to dump him?

[latingirl]

Originally posted by kb0wwp
An "ultimatum" is probably too strong, but I do believe that people (especially women) need to eventually say "Hey, are we getting married sometime or not?"

Guys are most likely to "get comfortable" in a perpetual dating relationship. They need a little prod to move them into the next level of committment.

There's a lot of truth in the old axiom "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"!

I wholeheartedly agree. I wouldn't give an ultimatum, but I personally don't want to waste my time in a relationship that is not going to lead to marraige. I would have to just chalk it up as not being meant to be if he can't make a decision. And if he's having a hard time making the decision, I would probably just let him off the hook because I don't want to end up in a bad situation later.

[TERRIBLETOM]

Originally posted by DarkFury
Harrumph...

Give me an "ultimatum" and I'd probably say... "Hey... the door's right over there, be sure to lock it on your way out. :D " Also ask them to leave the key of have the locks changed, it could turn into a stocker situation.

[Nija]

Originally posted by johnnymk
I was 50 at the time. I went with her for 5 years. I missed her for about 6 months, but got on with my life.
Pickings are very slim at my age. I have a nice cat that keeps me company and she is a lot less work and more appreciative than most of the women I dated.

:heh:

Funniest post

ANd i agree with Merlin :)