GilbertsGrape
01-05-2003, 08:21 PM
ten ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer.........
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflague.
And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer is....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....
you might be a rednek if ....
You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
You can drink beer through your nose.
You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
You have three first names.
Your family business requires a lookout.
Your wife answers to "Cuz."
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
Your dog goes "oink."
You write off a radiator as a business expense.
For your aniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
You think espresso means 8 items or less.
You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
A night on the town includes city jail.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You check your shirt to spell your name.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
The liquor store knows you by your first name.
You run out of beer and your friends go home.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You videotape fishing shows.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You get homesick watching cops.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You own half of a pick-up truck.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
You've totaled every car you've owned.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
A full moon remonds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
You burn trash in your Subday clothes.
You have fake fur on your dashboard.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
You stockpile motor oil.
Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You call the operator to get the number for 911.
Your car alarm eats dog food.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
You leave everything in your will to your mule.
You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
You think Long John Silver is formal underware.
When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You've ever given yourself a social disease.
You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
You've ever water-skied in your underwear.
You pick your nose in line at the bank.
You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
There are engine parts on your coffee table.
You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
You have a feed store nightgown.
You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
You trim your beard and find a french fry.
The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album your're playing.
Every room in your house is a junk room.
You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You wear tube socks with a dress.
Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.
The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
The school principal has your number on speed dial.
Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
Your horse can count higher than you.
You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
All your tupperware is old butter containers.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.
Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
Your first pet was a chicken.
The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
Your school colors are camouflage.
Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
None of the tires on your car are the same size.
You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
All your wall decorations have horns on them.
You can take your bra off while driving.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflague.
And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer is....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....
you might be a rednek if ....
You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
You can drink beer through your nose.
You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
You have three first names.
Your family business requires a lookout.
Your wife answers to "Cuz."
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
Your dog goes "oink."
You write off a radiator as a business expense.
For your aniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
You think espresso means 8 items or less.
You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
A night on the town includes city jail.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You check your shirt to spell your name.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
The liquor store knows you by your first name.
You run out of beer and your friends go home.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You videotape fishing shows.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You get homesick watching cops.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You own half of a pick-up truck.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
You've totaled every car you've owned.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
A full moon remonds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
You burn trash in your Subday clothes.
You have fake fur on your dashboard.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
You stockpile motor oil.
Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You call the operator to get the number for 911.
Your car alarm eats dog food.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
You leave everything in your will to your mule.
You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
You think Long John Silver is formal underware.
When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You've ever given yourself a social disease.
You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
You've ever water-skied in your underwear.
You pick your nose in line at the bank.
You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
There are engine parts on your coffee table.
You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
You have a feed store nightgown.
You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
You trim your beard and find a french fry.
The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album your're playing.
Every room in your house is a junk room.
You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You wear tube socks with a dress.
Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.
The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
The school principal has your number on speed dial.
Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
Your horse can count higher than you.
You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
All your tupperware is old butter containers.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.
Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
Your first pet was a chicken.
The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
Your school colors are camouflage.
Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
None of the tires on your car are the same size.
You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
All your wall decorations have horns on them.
You can take your bra off while driving.