well well well... an end has come

[soong]

Well... Some of you may remember my wife and I had some trouble... and we seemed to recover... only to fall once again. She's moving out... and I can only assume that legal actions will soon ensue. I've tried so hard to hang on and keep things going... But I've apparently "sucked her will to live" and it cannot be reconciled at this time. I'll... be straight. I've built my world around her the last 5 years and it's so painful to let go the best thing that's happened to me.

And basically I just posted this so... I can be a tad greedy and get some... support. I'm moving into a house renting (we had both selected it originally), and the kids will be split up for right now me 4 days, her 3 days. Also for those who remember... her "friend" is still hard charging and ... not allowing for wounds to heal. I'll take full responsibility, that this is not all her fault. I've... stumbled as well and let her down. As much as I've worked the last few months, I cannot convince her to let me try any further. It sucks. I miss my wife, my best friend, and soon my kids. Divorce/separation blows.

[xsiled2]

get a lawyer... my dad got screwed over when my mom went crazy and left... ive seen it happen and it sucks...

[attgig]

man. that does blow dude. :( I'll be keeping you in my prayers. readjust and refocus your life man, so that you don't get all screwed up inside over this.

and yeah...practically, get a lawyer and make sure you don't get screwed over.

[ufcrusher]

Sorry to hear that in the end you couldnt work it out. You tried your best and that will in the end make you feel better that you can tell your kids that fact. At this point, just take one day at a time and contact a good attorney proactively.

[soong]

I've yet to tell my parents :( I'm hoping for a better response to when I told them I married her. We're going to remain legally married for various reasons. She even left the option of us eventually reconciling... but it's never going to happen as long as her friend has input. He's totally against us trying to work things out.

[xsiled2]

Originally posted by soong
but it's never going to happen as long as her friend has input. He's totally against us trying to work things out.

maybe He is the problem...

anyway good luck. keep your head up.

[brainsmile]

sorry to hear that... make sure to focus on the kids

[chrissy]

I wish I could give ya a hug soong. I am so sorry! I know you tried almost everything to get her to stay.

Focus on the children and yes, do get a lawyer.

I'll keep you in thoughts and prayers.

[InfiniteNothing]

I usually stay out of personal threads about peoples lives but...I have sympathy. I'm sorry for your loss; I'm glad you can be honest to yourself. I often think about what I'd try and do if I were in your situation.

[ufcrusher]

Originally posted by soong
I've yet to tell my parents :( I'm hoping for a better response to when I told them I married her. We're going to remain legally married for various reasons. She even left the option of us eventually reconciling... but it's never going to happen as long as her friend has input. He's totally against us trying to work things out.

I would really talk to an attorney before choosing to stay married. You could be opening yourself up to lots of liability including having to take responsibility for a kid by this "friend". There is a legal presumption that any kids by a married couple are from the marriage. Additionally, if she is sleeping with this guy, she is committing adultery.

It really wont matter whether you are just separated or divorced to your children...you still arent together. There probably are no tax benefits and why would you want to let her stay on your health insurance. I know I might sound cold, but the reality is, if you know that there is no chance of reconciling, there is no real benefit to staying married and lots of detriments.

I would consult an attorney in your area either way.

[Peachhead]

First..sorry to hear about it. :( I've been there and done that and it sucks!

But looking back from a practical standpoint: yep get a lawyer. Don't drag it out, it's NOT going to get any better..go ahead and put some closure to it. That's the only way you are going to start to heal.

I wish you all the best man.

[soong]

Originally posted by ufcrusher


I would really talk to an attorney before choosing to stay married. You could be opening yourself up to lots of liability including having to take responsibility for a kid by this "friend". There is a legal presumption that any kids by a married couple are from the marriage. Additionally, if she is sleeping with this guy, she is committing adultery.

It really wont matter whether you are just separated or divorced to your children...you still arent together. There probably are no tax benefits and why would you want to let her stay on your health insurance. I know I might sound cold, but the reality is, if you know that there is no chance of reconciling, there is no real benefit to staying married and lots of detriments.

I would consult an attorney in your area either way.

True... her uncle is an attorney... and his advice was to hang in there and he'd recommend someone if it came to it. Anyway I'm on HER insurance. As for any kids... she can't. She got her tubes tied (her friend drove her). Besides, its very evident if she ever were to conceive again (I'm asian she's caucasian and our children have a unique look to them). We've both agreed this is a trial separation. I know she's going to miss me, maybe not as much I will, but the quote is you don't know how important something is to you until it's gone. I'm hoping she realizes before it becomes too late.

And thanks to all the people who write in their support. It makes a big difference and it does help. It's hard to keep optimistic, even for the kids, but with everyone's help it's a lil easier.

[ufcrusher]

Originally posted by soong


True... her uncle is an attorney... and his advice was to hang in there and he'd recommend someone if it came to it. Anyway I'm on HER insurance. As for any kids... she can't. She got her tubes tied (her friend drove her). Besides, its very evident if she ever were to conceive again (I'm asian she's caucasian and our children have a unique look to them). We've both agreed this is a trial separation. I know she's going to miss me, maybe not as much I will, but the quote is you don't know how important something is to you until it's gone. I'm hoping she realizes before it becomes too late.

And thanks to all the people who write in their support. It makes a big difference and it does help. It's hard to keep optimistic, even for the kids, but with everyone's help it's a lil easier.

The only problem that I see is that its HER uncle...therefore he might not be that impartial. I dont know the nature of your relationship with him and therefore I cant be any more definite with that.

As for the inability to have children and even if she does the appearance will tell....the courts dont necessarily go by appearances. Sadly, they just enforce the presumption that its yours. One case had a very evident mixed race baby from an all "white" married couple, and the court still held that it was his. Even after DNA proved conclusively it wasnt.

Seriously though, I am not going to mess in your business. Do what feels right but make sure you protect yourself. Most people who seperate even for a trial dont get back together and the things that happen during the "separation" arent really that ease to separate (emotionally) from when you were together.

Be strong and hang in there...everything will come around in the end one way or another.

[RoniMan]

Originally posted by soong
I'll take full responsibility, that this is not all her fault. I've... stumbled as well and let her down.

"When two quarrel, both are to blame." -- dutch proverb.

i'm not saying to blame her, but don't put all of this on your shoulder. my mom did that, and at first she seems to become stronger individual, but eventually, it wore her down.

i'm sorry for the loss. hope everything works out in the end.

take care

[LegendKiller]

Dont just get any lawyer either.

I had a friend who was married to a woman for 6 years, had 2 kids. She was going to serve him papers at work, take both kids and 75% of the marital assets (including house, both cars, and 50% of his 401k).

What did he do? Called Larry Kings divorce lawyer, the dude spent 30min on the phone with her lawyer, after which her lawyer told her to leave his 401k alone, not to serve the papers at work, and finally, to split everything else 50/50.

Sure, they may cost 300-400/hr, but they will work 1/2 the amount any old lawyer will, and often less. Reputation goes much further than some may think.


Also, the foremost consideration will be the kids man, dont make it bitter for them (another reason why to get a good lawyer, less battle). I have had way too many friends end up pretty scarred because of bad divorces.

As for you, I do not know your situation. However, in times like your having now, it may not have been either of your faults really. Some things are meant to be and others are not. You cannot change yourself and you cannot change the other person. You can only be true to what and who you are.

Take care
LK

[look_ma]

I would get a Lawyer, file the divorce papers, and be able to prove you are a suitable parent with a safe place to live. The reason I am saying all this is because my mom pulled the old "let's continue to be married but live separately" thing on my dad and he believed her. Then she soon filed the papers on him blaming the whole divorce on him. She got the house, the kid, the car, and marital support, and child support. She had a lawyer from day 1 before she even filed the papers, my dad never had a chance to get a lawyer because he got blindsided by this whole thing. You may think that your wife would not do this, but her friends have great influence over her decisions in a time like this. So, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. (ps: divorce sucks but is inevitable for the kids, find a way to break it to them gently and don’t put blame it on either parent, sorry to hear the tragic news.)