Learning lessons

[myungk]

So this is a bit of a long story about a lesson I've recently learned. I suppose it ought to start with me. I'm a young (college miscreant) male who recently got dumped by my girlfriend of about a year. To tell you the truth, I'm not a very easy person to get along with. That's not to say that I'm mean. On the contrary, I seem to be on the good side of most people. But at the same time, I'm a very idealistically driven person and a very honest person.
Consequently, I don't let most of my friends "get away with" thinking what they like if I think it ignores or contradicts something important (i.e. if a friend has an argument with their lover, I'm not going to say, "There there, it's ok. He/she is a jerk. Feel better." I'm more apt to say, "What happened exactly? What did he/she do? What did you do?"). And I don't consider myself a hypocrite because I don't allow myself to give into convenient scenarios my mind thinks up.
We agreed on a lot of ethical issues (i.e. spite is not a nice thing, judging people you've never met is rash, one ought to try to not hurt other people). But, whether it was her fault or my being overly sensitive, it always seemed like she would do things that contradicted these beliefs she said she held. And I, being the troublesome one that I am, never let them slide. Well, this really got to be too much for her. I guess she felt like I was always picking on her, never being sympathetic, and always generally making her feel bad about herself. And I thought for the longest time that I couldn't be held accountable for her feeling bad about doing things she knew was wrong.
But that was the mistake. You see, I cared for her more than I ever cared for anyone I have known. That sort of feeling, and that sort of emotion, that's integral to life. Ideals, ethics, those are guides to living, not living itself. I thought the wrong thing was important. Love isn't about being ethically consistent all the time (though that's not to say ethical consistency isn't important), it's about being compassionate and as gentle as you can be. It takes care to be firm with someone and be honest with them, even if they may not like it. But it takes love to take that same conflict, but use compassion, gentleness, and patience to try and plead your case to them (I guess that's why it's also important to be with someone you don't have too many conflicts with).
So that's the lesson I learned. I learned it the tough way, but better tough than never. If this can help at least one person keep someone dear to them, then it will have made everything that happened worth it.

[Ladogaboy]

:hmm: You kind of lost me towards the end, there. It seems to me that love and ethics are obviously different, and it also seems to me that you know/knew that already.

When it comes down to it (I'm assuming that she broke up with you from what you said), she broke up with you because of WHO you are, and in my opinion, there is not a better reason for breaking up. Your idealism and ethical beliefs--not only them, but also your need to apply them to the people around you--are ingrained, and they are the reason she left. Some people can not stand to be critized, and maybe your ex is one of those people. :shrug:

I recently went through a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend, and this is what I came away with: as long as I can look in the mirror in the morning and be happy with the person I see, I have nothing to worry about. You see, I went through a short bout of depression, which came at the most inopportune time, I might add, and she started to see me in a different way. Once that snowball starts rolling, it is damn near impossible to derail. When it hit critical mass, she decided to break up with me, and there was nothing that I could say or do that would convince her otherwise. I had already started to get my life back on track, and things were moving back into my favor again. Unfortunately, by that time, she had already come to a conclusion and there was not turning back.

The funny thing is, I talked to her not too long ago, and she described to me her "ideal" man, i.e. what she was looking for in a guy. The funny part is that she described me to a T, but I'm not going to say that to her and I'm not going to whine to her about it. She has turned a blind-eye to me, and unlike when we were together, she is no longer willing to look at me as a dynamic person, one who can change, etc. But I am alright with this now--even though I still love her more than anyone else on the planet--because I am happy with who I am and where my life is taking me at the moment. Basically, I'm in a "don't give a f*ck" mode, and honestly, the freedom that comes with it is great. Plus, I just want to revel in this for a while, so when I get into my next relationship, I will be a lot less accommodating and compromising.

[whitak24]

i guess everyone is different, so i guess i can think of no better advice than this:

Originally posted by Ladogaboy
When it comes down to it (I'm assuming that she broke up with you from what you said), she broke up with you because of WHO you are, and in my opinion, there is not a better reason for breaking up.
any relationship that doesn't allow you to be yourself isn't worth staying it.

that said, i'll add a couple major caveats:

1.) you have to decide what's really important to you (i'm speaking of myungk's situation here). everyone has different components that are most important to them. maybe for one person it's being seen as a stud, so if their GF were to stop primping herself before she left the house each morning, he would no longer want to be seen with someone who didn't meet his definition of a "beautiful person". i'd call that shallow, but if that's a core issue to someone, then they have to follow it.

likewise in your situation, if having everyone around you "on the same page" about certain issues both theoretically and in practice is a major issue, then you have to recognize that (most of us can't change who we are at the core level) and look for someone who's willing to incorporate that into a relationship.

but you also have to evaluate whether it's a "core value" that you need, or if it's your way of trying to control your surroundings or some other psychological type thing.

2.) provided that you realize that it's a key issue that you feel has to be a part of a relationship, remember that most of us guys, no matter how hard we try to be nice, are kind of *******s sometimes. i guess it's just easy to to say things that we think sound ok but to the person we're with it sounds cutting, critical, nagging, etc. so even if something is important, there are so many ways to handle it. just make sure you handle it in the best way ;)