Ladogaboy
08-17-2003, 07:03 AM
I talked with my ex for about 3 hours last night, and most of that time she spent venting to me about her sister. Apparently, her has quite a few issues that I won't go into now, and they have been driving my ex insane. Anyway, what really started bothering me was that about every minute or two, I'd have to interject during one of her complaints, and say something along the lines of, "Yeah, I know how that feels. It happened to me too." She eventually asked me who had been doing those things to me, and my response: "You." After I gave her a few examples of how she had been treating me the same way she is currently being treated by her sister, all she could say was, "Oh."/ "I didn't realize."/ "Now I know." For a little while, I was pretty upset, but I realized that I didn't really care anymore. Her attitude toward me for the last 4 months or so of our relationship was almost identical to how her sister is acting to her now, and it is just really disheartening to know that it is one of the biggest reasons we broke up.
Anyway, it is just amazing to me how blind we are to our own actions, but when they get turned back on us, we realize how much they really affect a person. Of course, this also has to do a lot with that feeling of malaise I was speaking of earlier. I didn't really get that upset with her, and that is what is bothering me. For the last week or so, it's almost as though I've been running in neutral. I've been on the verge of emotionally dead, and it feels like I'm just having to make things up to let people know that I still have some sort of feelings inside. Either that, or I am feeling, but most of my feelings just turn out to be melancholic, which just leaves me feeling down in the same way.
Also, this brings serious doubts to whether or not I can maintain a friendship with her. I ended up explaining to her last night that her actions after our break-up did more to hurt our friendship than anything else. I know that she was intentionally acting like a bitch in order to make me stop loving her--she told me as much herself--, but that only does so much. And after quips turn from little jabs to actually stabbing someone in the heart, it gets to be a bit much to take. And, hell, we weren't even being intimate for the last 8 months of our relationship, so all we had was our love and friendship. She took the former away but still felt the need to beat the latter to a bloody pulp. :hmm: Ugh, I just don't know anymore.
I guess, now, she and I will have to start from square one again. If I do decide to reforge a frienship with her, though, I'll have to be super careful. The problem is that she is the person that fell out of love with me, not the other way around. She hasn't really changed at all, and I still find her to be really attractive... Maybe it's best that I don't. Oh well.
Anyway, it is just amazing to me how blind we are to our own actions, but when they get turned back on us, we realize how much they really affect a person. Of course, this also has to do a lot with that feeling of malaise I was speaking of earlier. I didn't really get that upset with her, and that is what is bothering me. For the last week or so, it's almost as though I've been running in neutral. I've been on the verge of emotionally dead, and it feels like I'm just having to make things up to let people know that I still have some sort of feelings inside. Either that, or I am feeling, but most of my feelings just turn out to be melancholic, which just leaves me feeling down in the same way.
Also, this brings serious doubts to whether or not I can maintain a friendship with her. I ended up explaining to her last night that her actions after our break-up did more to hurt our friendship than anything else. I know that she was intentionally acting like a bitch in order to make me stop loving her--she told me as much herself--, but that only does so much. And after quips turn from little jabs to actually stabbing someone in the heart, it gets to be a bit much to take. And, hell, we weren't even being intimate for the last 8 months of our relationship, so all we had was our love and friendship. She took the former away but still felt the need to beat the latter to a bloody pulp. :hmm: Ugh, I just don't know anymore.
I guess, now, she and I will have to start from square one again. If I do decide to reforge a frienship with her, though, I'll have to be super careful. The problem is that she is the person that fell out of love with me, not the other way around. She hasn't really changed at all, and I still find her to be really attractive... Maybe it's best that I don't. Oh well.