Are you ever 100% sure: A question about the nature of love

[InfiniteNothing]

Here's one for the midnight society. Hopefully we can get lots of talk between the hours of 12 and 6.

So I'm in a great relationship of 5 years and I'm not married. She's great, and I love her dearly but there's a little something that keeps knawing at my conciousness. How do I know that there's no one else better out there. I haven't dated everyone on the planet so I can't know if there's anyone better for me. This might come out wrong but at what point do you say good enough and go with it and are you even 100% sure that you're with the best person you could ever find?

[Ladogaboy]

First off, I would throw the term "best" right out the window. I don't believe in only one true love, and I don't believe that there is such a thing as a perfect fit. If you can live with the imperfections, then I say good enough. If not, maybe you should look to move on.

Also, there might be someone out there who is better for you, but you run the risk that you aren't the type of person they are interested in.

If you love the woman that you are with, and you feel that she can provide you with what you want and need, stick with her. Unless there is something major missing from your life/relationship--something you can't do with out--, I say hold on to what you have.

[slaus]

The imperfections draw me towards my girlfriend. While they piss me off, I also find them endearing at the same time. She has everything I want and that makes me happy. I guess you could say she's the one. You really cant be sure but its a leap of faith.

[RoniMan]

agree with both posts so far. what i've learned from relationships is that it's not the good times that makes it memorable. it's also the "down" times. since no one is perfect, then there can be no perfect relationship. what you might be missing with THIS person, you might get from another individual. but you might miss out on something else from that someone else. anyone can be happy during the "honeymoon" phase, but who's got the true integrity to stick it out with you when you're down in the slums? that's the "best" person for you.

so to answer you're question, can you ever be 100% sure? IMO...no. but it's that uncertainty that keeps the relationship exciting and kicking. and that keeps the two of you growing. and if both of you can grow together, THAT'S what makes a relationship worthy.

good luck to you

[InfiniteNothing]

You guys are funny. One of you is drawn to someone with imperfections the other thinks that the uncertainty that you made the wrong choice makes the relationship interesting.

Okay it seems that we've established the lack of existence of a soul mate and I agree; believing otherwise is juvenile, I think. But don't you believe there are some people with whom you really connect and fit? (Soul mates perhaps?) Roni mentions growing together but might there be a person that fits so well that changing together isn't really as important. A person with whom you share an unbreakable eternal connection? Are we supposed to be looking for one of these people?

Now it seems that some of you really fit well with your SO but what if there was someone out there that you'd fit better with. It's a risk yes but the pay off would be awesome. How do you justify that the risk is not worth taking?

Faith is a very scary thing.

[Ladogaboy]

If you are having these kinds of doubts, maybe you shouldn't be with your SO. :shrug:

And as far as "soul mates" are concerned, you don't need to be in an intimate relationship with a person in order for them to play an important role in your life. They could be in addition to what you already have. Now, I'm not talking about adultery here. I'm speaking of purely platonic relationships.

[WhiskeyPapa]

IMHO...

First of all, it is only our selfishness that makes us "keep our options open" in case someone better comes along.

Second, love is not a gas tank you hope has enough in it to get you through the rest of your life. Love is a decision you make every single day. Elisabeth Elliot (a really wise old lady) once said: "You married because you were in love, now you must love because you are married."

[Ladogaboy]

Originally posted by kb0wwp
Elisabeth Elliot (a really wise old lady) once said: "You married because you were in love, now you must love because you are married."

I don't like the "must" in that quote. If you truly love someone, then it should come naturally. It shouldn't be a requirement simply because you are entered into an institution.

[InfiniteNothing]

Originally posted by Ladogaboy
If you are having these kinds of doubts, maybe you shouldn't be with your SO. :shrug:


Doesn't everyone have doubts? It seems wise to stop and think (before you get married) "Hey, I've got a lot of good things here but might there be something better" just as a reality check. KB makes a WHOLE lot of sense here. Ladoga raises the good point that perhaps love should come naturally. I'm not sure it is coming naturally for me; I think it's more that I have to work to earn her love and she has to work to earn mine. It also isn't love at first sight. Do you believe in LAFS? Is that something you're supposed to have with the person you mary?

[Ladogaboy]

Originally posted by InfiniteNothing
Doesn't everyone have doubts? Do you believe in LAFS? Is that something you're supposed to have with the person you mary?

Yes, no, and no.

Sure you can have doubts, but those sound like some pretty major doubts to me...

As far as LAFS, that a load of crap. Love is something that develops over time. I would say that any feelings you have for a person in the first 2-4 weeks of meeting them should be considered nothing more than a crush or physical attraction. Once you start to get to know someone, that's when you can tell if you actually love them.

Hmmm, let me put it another way. When you first meet someone, you only see their surface, i.e. their looks and outward appearance. IMO, these equate to nothing more than physical things, and a love for physical things is far different than the spiritual type of love that needs to develop between two people. Kind of like Nano's bike/picture thread. I can fall in love with his bike upon seeing it, but I would have to get the know the girl( :naughty: )before I could fall in love with her. :shrug:

[slaus]

Everyone has their doubts because people to always do better in life. I know a lot of guys who really exhibit the hunter mentality in relationships. They constantly are looking for a better one.

Anyone who claims Love at first sight is obviously messed up or doesnt know what love is. Love takes awhile to develop.

[le_stick]

IMHO, nobody can really understand LOVE. everyone has their own idea of how love should be. No one can ever sure that the one they married or to-be-married is the one. Love is compromise, sacrifice, respect, expectation and many more. As someone alread mentioned, if you are REALLY wonder about whether or not there is some one out there better then the one you have right now. Then IMHO, she is not the one for you or should I say you are not for her. If you are serious about a relationship, and plan to marry her later, the you should think about the future. Because right now you two still single and have no attachment. So if you two have a fight or something, you can always move out or even break up. But when/after you two married and have kid(s). it's not going to be easy. My 2 cents

[InfiniteNothing]

Originally posted by le_stick
IMHO, nobody can really understand LOVE. everyone has their own idea of how love should be. No one can ever sure that the one they married or to-be-married is the one. Love is compromise, sacrifice, respect, expectation and many more. As someone alread mentioned, if you are REALLY wonder about whether or not there is some one out there better then the one you have right now. Then IMHO, she is not the one for you or should I say you are not for her. If you are serious about a relationship, and plan to marry her later, the you should think about the future. Because right now you two still single and have no attachment. So if you two have a fight or something, you can always move out or even break up. But when/after you two married and have kid(s). it's not going to be easy. My 2 cents

Awww, we can't? But that's the whole point of this thread: understanding the nature of love (or atleast one aspect). You mention that she might not be the one but that implies some sort of destiny in love. But if there's a destiny in love that implies that it doesn't require much compromise, sacrafice, and expectation. Unless it is your theory that you need both to find someone whose "for" you and work. Also if there are people who are "for" you then how do you know that they are. Good point that better thinking about this now than later.

[zenbooty]

Love Stinks. :P

[johnnymk]

It looks like no females have made any comments so far.

So to spice up things, who is more apt to "settle for what they've got"...guys or gals?

I know in every relationship that I was in, I was always looking over my shoulder for something better or different. I always felt trapped, like a tiger in a cage.

Commitment-phobic? Probably.... but I am not paying child support, alimony or have the other hassles that people my age have.

[InfiniteNothing]

Where ARE all the women?

To clarify a bit I'm not so much doubtful as I am curious.

[molecularfire]

Ok... this is my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

First of all, I applaud infinite for raising these questions. I think him raising these questions shows love, not a lack thereof for his GF. The fact that he's raising these questions shows that he is at the stage where it is important for him that she be the right one for him, and that he be the right one for her. That's not an easy place to get to in a relationship.

Secondly... I don't belive in the concept of "the one". If you think about it... there are about what, 6 billion people in the world? Let's say that over our lifespan, we get to know 60,000 people (which I think is an overestimate as it is). Then, the chance that we've met "the one" for us is one in a hundred thousand (assuming that nobody is ever born or dies during our lifespan). If that was the case, it is highly unlikely that anyone would ever meet their "one". The way to look at a relationship, should be which person is a good person to me, and to whom I am good to. It's like hunting down deals... if you got a great deal, who cares if it was the best deal. A good deal, when you need to buy something, is better than a great deal too early or too late. It doesn't matter if she's the one... all that matters is do you guys love each other.

As for how do you know things are going to work out... you don't. Let's face it... until we meet the person that we are going to die with, we are all batting zero. How things work out depends on how much effort, and intelligence you put into a relationship. I'm a big believer that "it was not meant to be" is an excuse people use when they didn't put in enough effort, or strategy to make a relationship work... nothing more.

[Ladogaboy]

I agree with molecule a lot, or I do when I am thinking rationally. Of course, having been in love at one point in my life, I know how difficult it is to think rationally in that situation.

Anyway, to add on to what he said, love also has a lot to do with timing. If the timing is not right, even the "one" might not be the one for you.

[Maarchk]

I do believe in love at first sight... and i know it sounds silly and out of the realm or realism. but and this has only really happened twice... I've seen someone and been like... wow, i need to talk to this girl. And its not really like she was the cutest girl in the situation. I just felt the need to say hi and be close to her, and low and behold by the end of our 5 minute talk, we were already going out on a date and it turned into an amazing 4 month relationship before she moved off the continent... :(
but like, i never go approach a girl and say hey, lets go on a date. I am definitely not that out going. so yeah, i can go with a thing... a pull that you and someone else have and it jsut clicks. I have never done it before or since.... so who knows...
and as for "the one" hehe thats cute.. but i dont know if i can back it. there is no such thing as the perfect person. but two imperfect people, loving the good and bad parts of eachother, that can become quite a perfect situation....
i think it is totally natural to question your position... I went through relationships like kleenex at a point.. that one is taller, oh that one is smarter... but i realized when it comes down to it.. i am after whats in the core... and all those girls would have made me happy cause we feel the same way about the big important things to me.

I guess what i am saying is look deep and see why you like her and why you dont... and my guess is she has a whole lot of good, and maybe only a couple bad if you have been with her this long. which is way longer then most people are together. married or not
Last story of my life then i will stop ranting....
When i was little, i bit my nails a ton. My father took me to the doctor and said, what can i do about this?
my doctor said, "is that the worse habit he has."
my dad said yes. my doctor said,"if he bit his nails 24 hours a day, would you be able to put up with him", and my dad said yes. My doctor said, so then whats the problem? its something he will quit when he feels it is better for him to not to. But if you can be ok with him always doing it, then you have a pretty good relationship.
the moral i picked up and this is something i have applied to my relationships is that, i look at the worst thing my partner does, and if it would drive me nuts if she was always doing it, then i am in a relation ship that doesn't fit me. but if all they do is tap their nails or something that can bug you but its not a big thing, then i have a pretty good thing going .
:)
Just my thoughts... sorry they are soo long.

[xsiled2]

Originally posted by zenbooty
Love Stinks.

bleh...

threads like this just make me feel more alone....

[JLemonjello]

In my opinion (which seems to be the unpopular one on this thread =) ) I believe that there IS someone for everyone. For me, I just knew when I was with this particular girl that she was 'the right one'
I found her imperfections amusing and endearing as someone previously had mentioned and she makes me a better person than I am without her. When we have differences they end up bringing us closer together.
For me, I think you 'just know' when its the right person. But that could just be me.

Good luck figuring all this !@#* out.

[brainsmile]

do you know for sure that she's not thinking the same thing??? :P

[Airencracken]

You can't be 100% sure, life has too many variables. But you don't throw away your toaster because a new model came out, sure the trim line may be a bit better, but you like your old toaster, heck, it makes your toast every morning! But if the toaster breaks, starts to burn your toast, or you just plain don't like it any more you get a new one. See what I'm saying over here?

[molecularfire]

Yes. Women are appliances. Keep them as long as they serve their function. Is that right? :P

[Booyamos]

"Love, it's a mother******" -Old School

But I can understand you in this one. I was in a long term relationship 2.5 years. I loved her but I always had that panging feeling of doubt. Is she the one? Is there anyone else? Will I be happy with her for ever? I was about 80% sure I wanted to marry her, she didn't like that and eventually slept with my friend :P

But anyways that was a while ago, I had always questioned my feelings and was thinking maybe I will just have to deal with the doubt. But now I met a new girl and from the moment I saw her I was in love. Granted we have only been together 6 months but I feel she is totally perfect. I could marry her tomorrow and be totally happy and doubt free.

Love is a tricky thing, sometimes you give up something great because you are unsure, other times you find something perfect.

[Ladogaboy]

Originally posted by Kacarp
"Love, it's a mother******" -Old School

But I can understand you in this one. I was in a long term relationship 2.5 years. I loved her but I always had that panging feeling of doubt. Is she the one? Is there anyone else? Will I be happy with her for ever? I was about 80% sure I wanted to marry her, she didn't like that and eventually slept with my friend :P


Oooh. That happened to you too? :hihi:

[Airencracken]

Originally posted by molecularfire
Yes. Women are appliances. Keep them as long as they serve their function. Is that right? :P

Pretty much dude.