I snipped the beginning:
You're a Demo if you think the problem is that we're not taxed enough and the rich are not taxed at all. You're a Republican if you think government is taxing everyone too much, particularly the middle class, and that the size of government should be shrinking, not expanding.
The Demos say Republicans want lower taxes only for the rich. Republicans reply that, considering the way the Demos like to tax everything and everybody, they apparently think anyone with a job is rich. Democrats have been demagoguing the myth that the rich don't pay their fair share of taxes. Yet what they don't realize is that, according to figures from the IRS publicized by Rush Limbaugh, the top 50 percent of income earners pay 96 percent of income taxes.
The Democrats have not yet called for taxes on Internet commerce, and not because they don't want to or haven't yet figured out how to. It's simply because it's currently politically unpopular. The Internet community, many members of which are both tech savvy and politically active, would have the politicos' head on a platter in a nanosecond. Republicans want no taxes on Internet commerce and lower taxes in general. They support a flat tax that is both simple and fair.
You're a Demo if you want both people and businesses micromanaged and regulated by millions of government bureaucrats sitting in a maze of cubicles in offices far from industry. You're a Republican if you want liberty from intrusive government.
Demos would regulate their mothers if they could. They don't trust companies or people who do their own thing -- they're worried about an Enron-type disaster. They want control.
Republicans want minimum regulation. More regulation means more bureaucracy, more taxes, more paper, more energy consumption and a less hospitable business environment with fewer jobs. Republicans see the tremendous success of the Internet as a perfect example of Adam Smith's "invisible hand" that steadies the economy and creates perfect diversity. With literally no government regulation, the Internet has been the single biggest engine for burgeoning business and for new flourishing social and political communities.
You're a Demo if think being a good environmentalist means it's OK for California alone to be grinding out some 10,000 new laws each year. You're a Republican and an environmentalist if you think the best way to save the trees and the planet is by having just a part-time state legislature, like Texas', and creating fewer laws each year and repealing others.
Demos want more laws, which requires tons more paper to publish the laws, more bureaucracy to administer them and more litigation to interpret them, not to mention more enforcement activity, all of which consumes more energy.
Republicans want simplicity -- less bureaucracy and less energy consumed. The paper saved from a part-time California state Legislature would be the equivalent of saving enough trees to create 50 new Golden Gate Parks each year while letting the plants and wildlife flourish throughout the state.
The Gallup Poll just released a survey that reported, "Forty-five percent of Americans believe the news media in this country are too liberal, while only 14 percent say the news media are too conservative." You're a Demo if you're one of the 14 percent who think the mass media is too conservative. You're a Republican if you think the media is too liberal -- or at least not too conservative, much as the rest of Americans do, according to the poll.
You're a Demo if you think American companies are exploiting Third World nations by employing low-wage workers and you let everyone know that with a bumper sticker plastered on your foreign-made vehicle, the parts of which were all made in Third World countries. You're a Republican if you want the best goods at the lowest price.
You're a Demo if you think people in Third World nations are often being brutally tortured and are being destroyed by genocide, but you don't actually want to put down your cappuccino long enough to actually do something about it. You think the United Nations, which is made up largely of nations with corrupt dictators, should do this dirty job. And you continue to believe this even though the United Nations has never changed any regimes in its entire 54-year history.
You're a Republican if you believe genocide represents a state of emergency and a crime against humanity and you have both the courage and the conviction to actually do something about it -- even if that means military action.
You're a Demo if you think affirmative action is good for everybody in society, but you don't think it should actually apply to your own job prospects or to your own child's admission to UC. You're a Republican if you think perfect equality means merit and hard work should get you a job and a seat in a good university and race should not be a factor.
You're a Demo if you think Christopher Columbus was a white interloper and George Washington should be best known as a slave trader. You're a Republican if you think the U.S. Constitution and American history, taught the traditional way, should be reintroduced to the public-school curriculum in California.
You're a Demo if you think Clinton was just having fun with women and it was time to move on rather than investigate his improprieties but Arnold was a real groper. You're a Republican if you think there's a difference between the president of the United States having sex with an political intern in the White House while his wife is sleeping in the next room and a big Hollywood star flirting on the set.
Purpose of Government
You're a Demo if you think the purpose of government is to find a solution to everyone's problems and to protect you from yourself. Democrats don't want you to smoke in public, pray in public, own firearms, open a door for a woman, tell politically incorrect jokes, spank your children or judge anybody or anything. You're a Republican if you believe the purpose of government is to do only that which private individuals cannot do for themselves: fund schools, roads, police, the military, the courts. Coincidentally, this is precisely what the Founders had proposed in the Constitution.
The Problem with the World Is Us (U.S.)
You're a Demo if you think America is the biggest threat to world peace and we are the world's worst tyrant (the same view Osama bin Laden has). You're a Republican and an optimist if you think we are beacon of liberty and you can connect the dots and understand why millions of immigrants, risking much, come to our shores each year.
You're a Demo if you think we should have millions of illegal aliens flooding America, getting driver's licenses and generally enjoying our free medical care and schools, but you also don't know why our schools, hospitals and highways are now overburdened both physically and fiscally. You're a Republican if you believe we are a nation of laws and we should enforce our immigration legislation, that we should allow millions in legally but shouldn't offer governmental benefits to those who came here illegally.
Crime and Punishment
You're a Demo if you think people commit vicious crimes because they're poor and lack self-esteem. Your simple solution is to close the prisons and have the state spend billions on social programs and self-esteem training. In this way, Demos believe crime will be eradicated. You're a Republican if you believe vicious killers, kidnappers, pedophiles and rapists should be either executed or be sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole after just one strike and not three.
Corporations and Unions
You're a Demo if you think big corporations are bad and greedy, but big unions and their bosses are good and have only the welfare of their workers in mind. You're a Republican if you believe the foundation of our economic strength is the balance of the free-market system with a healthy respect for labor and fair collective bargaining.
If you believe all sorts of nontraditional families are equally valid in our society and equally valuable to our children, you're a Demo. If you believe the soaring epidemic of single-parent families is having a debilitating effect on the nation and represents a real national crisis, you're a Republican. Studies show that on the whole, children of single-parent households, when they become adults, earn less, commit more crimes, become drug addicts more readily and are more likely to be welfare dependent than children from nuclear families.
And, notwithstanding the value of truly committed gay households, if you believe the foundation of our society is the loving, stable, healthy family -- with two parents as the goal -- you're a true Republican.
If you aligned yourself with the Democrats on 8-10 issues, you're a Demo. Don't worry, though -- there's still hope. You can perhaps invite Arnold over to your home for coffee and a consultation. He can slap you into shape both physically and politically by making you give him 10 pushups to lose your flabby tummy and flaccid political perspective.
If you scored Demo on more than 10 items, you should seek counseling immediately and lay off the drugs. If you haven't been taking drugs, start doing so regularly -- anything will help.
However, if you aligned yourself with the Republicans on 8-10 topics, congratulations. If you thought you were a Democrat, you should reregister immediately.
If you scored Republican on more than 10 subjects, you can go directly to a top executive job in Arnold's new administration. You've now proved you're a true-blooded American who not only understands that there is a right and a wrong, but has the brains to know the difference between the two.
Adam Sparks is a San Francisco writer. He can be reached at [email protected]