caribiner23
01-03-2004, 11:25 PM
skiAtomic asked for my feedback on eHarmony, so I figured I'd post something here about it. (I mentioned it in the thread about online personals, but here's more detail.)
First of all, a bit about me: 42, divorced, kids sometimes with me. I think I'm pretty decent looking, I've got a pretty good job, I own my own home, I'm a nice, considerate guy, etc., so I guess I'm a good catch, as they say.
I got out of a nasty relationship a while ago and decided to look at the online services. match.com seemed like a really awful singles bar, so I blew that off in favor of eHarmony. I heard and saw the commercials, plus there was an article in the Wall Street Journal, so I figured what the heck.
The first thing you do is go through this 30-40 minute questionnaire, where they ask you all about yourself. It's kind of like the personality profiles you take in high school when they're trying to figure out your ideal career-- you know, school bus driver or lab technician. (There are a few trick questions in there, so if you are considering doing it make sure you're aware of them-- one of them asks if you ever lose patience in traffic, and another asks if you ever drive over the speed limit: if you say "no" they assume you're lying. You can be rejected from their system if they sense you're not telling the truth.)
Once you're in the system, they start matching you up based on the results of the questionnaire plus the criteria you set (e.g. smoker/nonsmoker, drinker/nondrinker, how close to my home, etc.). When they find a match for you, they send you and your match email, so you can check your "match page" to see their profile. The profile is something that you get to write yourself, similar to what you would do on match.com but slightly less sleazy, IMHO. Getting a match can take anywhere from a few hours to a few days. (Maybe I'm just so darn compatible, but I average six to eight matches a week.)
If you or your match decides to communicate, you start going through various levels of guided questions (of your own choosing-- they give you many to choose from and you select the ones you want to ask) which are designed to give you a better idea of how compatible you and your match are. The first round of questions consists of questions like "What is your idea of a romantic time? (a) a quiet candlelit restaurant (b) cooking at home (c) a walk by the seashore..." etc. The questioning rounds start out very close-ended and end up almost like essay questions. The idea here is to ask the hard questions before you get to the "open communication" portion, which is essentially sending emails through their system.
During this process, all you know about your match is their first name, the town they live in, their age, and what they do for a living. If they have a picture posted and they've made it viewable, you can see that too.
If at any point you decide the person is not for you (at best) or a psycho (at worst-- and I've had both) you can drop them and they can't get ahold of you any more. Likewise, they can drop you for any reason during the process.
In theory, it's a pretty good system. In practice, it's better than getting fixed up on a blind date, but there are some bugs and they're mostly human related.
My experience has been that sometimes people lie about themselves just to make them seem more compatible (surprise!). I have met some very nice people, too, but no matter how much you know about someone from the inside, there's always that pesky "chemistry" thing to deal with once you meet.
After a couple months on the system I met only one (out of a *lot* of matches) person that I was actually interested in having a relationship with. We went through the system, emailed back and forth, started talking on the phone, met for dinner, and hit it off really really well. Chemistry, the whole bit. It was there. The neat thing was that when we met, most of the hard questions about philosophies, politics, etc. were already answered. It was like we knew each other for a long time. It was like freakin' magic for both of us.
So far, eHarmony worked as advertised.
After about a month of talking on the phone, having dinners, spending Christmas Eve together, and doing all the courtship things, it actually seemed to be heading in the right direction. I was thisclose to beginning to think she was The One (I know it was only a month, but trust me, this was really really different). We had plans to do stuff all through January, including spending the day together today.
I woke up on New Year's Eve day to a lengthy e-mail (an *e-mail*!! :angry: ) saying that I was the sweetest guy she ever met, etc. etc., and that she can't believe how wonderful it's been with us, but she's just not ready for a serious relationship, and 'take care.' :neartears I learned a couple weeks ago that her divorce was final in October, she got on eHarmony a week later, and we met at the end of November, so she's still messed up over that whole thing. When we talked about it, she admitted that she was still gunshy about getting involved with someone again, but all her words and actions pointed towards a real relationship-- we were just taking it slow, day by day.
It's taken a few trips to the bars (including a major doozy tonight) to work on getting over this one. Seeing "The Last Samurai" with two Harp Lagers and a Ketel One Martini in your gut is an interesting event.
Sooo, the moral of the story is this: eHarmony does seem to work as advertised, but if you do it, don't lose track of your instincts, and make sure you take into account the element of human wackiness.
First of all, a bit about me: 42, divorced, kids sometimes with me. I think I'm pretty decent looking, I've got a pretty good job, I own my own home, I'm a nice, considerate guy, etc., so I guess I'm a good catch, as they say.
I got out of a nasty relationship a while ago and decided to look at the online services. match.com seemed like a really awful singles bar, so I blew that off in favor of eHarmony. I heard and saw the commercials, plus there was an article in the Wall Street Journal, so I figured what the heck.
The first thing you do is go through this 30-40 minute questionnaire, where they ask you all about yourself. It's kind of like the personality profiles you take in high school when they're trying to figure out your ideal career-- you know, school bus driver or lab technician. (There are a few trick questions in there, so if you are considering doing it make sure you're aware of them-- one of them asks if you ever lose patience in traffic, and another asks if you ever drive over the speed limit: if you say "no" they assume you're lying. You can be rejected from their system if they sense you're not telling the truth.)
Once you're in the system, they start matching you up based on the results of the questionnaire plus the criteria you set (e.g. smoker/nonsmoker, drinker/nondrinker, how close to my home, etc.). When they find a match for you, they send you and your match email, so you can check your "match page" to see their profile. The profile is something that you get to write yourself, similar to what you would do on match.com but slightly less sleazy, IMHO. Getting a match can take anywhere from a few hours to a few days. (Maybe I'm just so darn compatible, but I average six to eight matches a week.)
If you or your match decides to communicate, you start going through various levels of guided questions (of your own choosing-- they give you many to choose from and you select the ones you want to ask) which are designed to give you a better idea of how compatible you and your match are. The first round of questions consists of questions like "What is your idea of a romantic time? (a) a quiet candlelit restaurant (b) cooking at home (c) a walk by the seashore..." etc. The questioning rounds start out very close-ended and end up almost like essay questions. The idea here is to ask the hard questions before you get to the "open communication" portion, which is essentially sending emails through their system.
During this process, all you know about your match is their first name, the town they live in, their age, and what they do for a living. If they have a picture posted and they've made it viewable, you can see that too.
If at any point you decide the person is not for you (at best) or a psycho (at worst-- and I've had both) you can drop them and they can't get ahold of you any more. Likewise, they can drop you for any reason during the process.
In theory, it's a pretty good system. In practice, it's better than getting fixed up on a blind date, but there are some bugs and they're mostly human related.
My experience has been that sometimes people lie about themselves just to make them seem more compatible (surprise!). I have met some very nice people, too, but no matter how much you know about someone from the inside, there's always that pesky "chemistry" thing to deal with once you meet.
After a couple months on the system I met only one (out of a *lot* of matches) person that I was actually interested in having a relationship with. We went through the system, emailed back and forth, started talking on the phone, met for dinner, and hit it off really really well. Chemistry, the whole bit. It was there. The neat thing was that when we met, most of the hard questions about philosophies, politics, etc. were already answered. It was like we knew each other for a long time. It was like freakin' magic for both of us.
So far, eHarmony worked as advertised.
After about a month of talking on the phone, having dinners, spending Christmas Eve together, and doing all the courtship things, it actually seemed to be heading in the right direction. I was thisclose to beginning to think she was The One (I know it was only a month, but trust me, this was really really different). We had plans to do stuff all through January, including spending the day together today.
I woke up on New Year's Eve day to a lengthy e-mail (an *e-mail*!! :angry: ) saying that I was the sweetest guy she ever met, etc. etc., and that she can't believe how wonderful it's been with us, but she's just not ready for a serious relationship, and 'take care.' :neartears I learned a couple weeks ago that her divorce was final in October, she got on eHarmony a week later, and we met at the end of November, so she's still messed up over that whole thing. When we talked about it, she admitted that she was still gunshy about getting involved with someone again, but all her words and actions pointed towards a real relationship-- we were just taking it slow, day by day.
It's taken a few trips to the bars (including a major doozy tonight) to work on getting over this one. Seeing "The Last Samurai" with two Harp Lagers and a Ketel One Martini in your gut is an interesting event.
Sooo, the moral of the story is this: eHarmony does seem to work as advertised, but if you do it, don't lose track of your instincts, and make sure you take into account the element of human wackiness.