Tension point between gf and myself...

[baggio248]

Religion and church...

First, my parents never really introduced me to church. I think I have been twice since I was a kid excluding funerals and weddings. My girlfriend tries to go every weekend. I went with her a few times to get the feel for it and she likes it when I go. I joined an adult soccer league that played on Sundays but the season is over. So today she asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no, so she got kind of huffy and left. I can't tell if she's pissed about it or what. I don't know what to do. I don't have an issue going , but it's never been my thing. I feel stupid going because I have no grasp of what is going on. I also wonder what my interest level is. I can't decide if I should suck it up and go when I can, or ask her to understand the fact that I don't have a whole lot of interest in going other than to keep her happy.

[Airencracken]

Don't sell yourself out. If you don't want to go she should understand that it isn't important to you, but you support her involvement.

[Jenny]

You really have to pick your battles sometimes. Sit down and talk honestly with her. Tell her you aren't comfortable going, but you know that it is important to her so you support her going 100%. Also, ask what she would be ok with. If she is ok with you going once every couple of months, then maybe that is a battle you should choose to concede on. After all, if it IS that important to her, what is 3 hrs on a Sunday morning once every 8 (or heck, even 4) weeks going to do? Kill you? :P

[bachviet]

Even though I don't like to go to church (I'm a Buddhist), I went to church with my then-gf (now my wife) almost every week. Sometimes I ditched church for ball games or if I had things to take care of. Now we married and I'm still a Buddhist, I still go to church with her. It only takes one hour a week of your life so just please her once a week and you will be fine.

[gwilks98]

Don't sell yourself out. If you don't want to go she should understand that it isn't important to you, but you support her involvement.


I have to disagree with you here. I don't view it as selling out.

I'm an ex-catholic, if you've never read any of my posts on the matter. I was born and raised in it with a catholic high school and college education and I used to go to church EVERY week. I stopped going and won't go back because of the way the scandals were and still are being handled. It's a very sore subject with me. My g/f however is still involved in the church and goes every week she can. Many times, with her family.

Every week we're together, she wants me to go to church with her. She knows I can't stand it in there anymore, but I go. Call me crazy but standing there in silence with her for an hour makes me feel like I'm taking actively supporting her in her faith. (And I think she needs to feel supported.) If it were something trivial like getting upset because you don't want to go to the mall, I'd undestand. However, if you're that adamant about not going because it's in a church, then why go to weddings and funerals? Those can have just as much religion in them if they're in a church. To me, events surrounding a person's faith are significant events in that person's life and as such, if I'm a part of the person's life, I should actively support it instead of passively. That doesn't mean I have to go every week, but I should at least go when I can.

One more edit, inspired by Ladoga's post below. I'm not forced to go and she wouldn't break up with me if I didn't go.

[Ladogaboy]

After all, if it IS that important to her, what is 3 hrs on a Sunday morning once every 8 (or heck, even 4) weeks going to do? Kill you? :P

If I HAD to give my GF/wife/etc 3 hours every Sunday morning, she had better be giving me 3 hours every Saturday night.... :naughty:

For me, this is a really touchy subject, and it really depends on the religion and what is expected by going to church. As a rule, I shy away from all churches and most organized religions simply because of their expectations for the individual... this is especially true for any of the Judeo-Christian-Muslim religions, where one often spends hours being preached at with the expectation of spitting back out again in discussion groups. I would never date or become romantically involved with anyone that required those things of me.

On the other hand, if her expectation of going to church was to go to a nice, quiet temple... or even a synagogue, church, or mosque that wasn't holding services... for the sake of quite prayer, introspection, meditation, etc., I'd probably go along with alacrity. Of course, if that was her expectation, I'd probably ask her if changing up the scenery from time to time would be okay.

Anyway, this is not really a subject that I, in terms of relationships, would budge on. I attempted to become involved in a Christian community at one point, going to the services, Bible studies, community activities, etc., and it sent me into such a deep depression that I had even started to contemplate suicide. I will never attempt to compromise on an issue like this in terms of relationships, especially now that I know that things like love aren't enough to hold a relationship together.

[molecularfire]

First off, I'm an agnostic. I don't see enough data to suggest to me that there isn't some sort of a higher power and IMO nature is too well organized to be an effect of the innate randomness of the universe. However, I have seen no data one way or another to suggest to me to favor one religion or another. I don't know what the higher power is and I'm not going to lie to myself for peace of mind. My parents are buddhists and I've gone to buddhist temples with them. I've also gone to church with my GF. Am I selling out my beliefs, maybe but I don't think so. The way I see it, I'm going there to show my support for them and my respect for their beliefs. I have made it clear to them that I'm not sold on the religion but that I go because I like spending time with them and would like to be a part of their world, whatever world it may be. Simple as that. Relationships involve more than flowers, candies and promises you have no intention of keeping.

That being said, in both cases the other people also make sacrifices and try to share my interest. If they didn't, I wouldn't. The question you have to ask yourself is what means more to you, their happiness or your beliefs. This answer is based on how important they are to you and how strong your beliefs are. If going sells out your beliefs, then don't go. It is unfair of you to make them meet up to unrealistic expectations. If the only problem is that it's a waste of your time, it's not a waste of your time to make them happy. JMO.

[topane]

:stupid:

Perhaps by going, it shows you have an interest in what is important to her.

One thing you said sticks out:


So today she asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no, so she got kind of huffy and left.This looks like something which could be a conflict in a long-term relationship. I do think you need to be clear about why you don't attend church and your beliefs or lack thereof. You need to also make it clear to her that you respect her beliefs and just because you don't share them doesn't mean you respect her any less.

[Merlin]

You should go to church because you want to. Going to make someone else happy is a bad reason to go and will keep you from really getting anything out of it. If you are not called to go then don't. But from the sound of it you need to establish some boundries now or this will be a destructive issue to the relationship.

Everyone anages their relationship with God in their own way. She needs to understand that.

Good luck to you. This does not sound like fun.