Life Altering Decision. Need Advice.

[NullUnit2000]

I am being faced with one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

For the last 4 years I have been working for a company in Irvine. My wife has been working in Laguna Hills. I have moved around a lot durning my life, but my wife has always lived in Orange County. This is where her friends and family are and she has no desire to leave.

Over the last few months things at my job have gotten pretty bad. Most of the staff has been laid-off. Others have left for new jobs. I'm still employeed, but I've been told there's a good chance I could be let go by year's end.

Since I had fair warning, I started looking for a new job. Yesterday I found one in San Jose. While I wouldn't mind moving, my wife is firmly against it. The problem is, I am the major bread winner in our family and being unemployeed would cause us a lot of hardship.

The job I'm being offered is a good one and would be a huge boon to my career, but I feel terrible asking my wife to quit her job and make a move to an area she has no desire to live in. But if I don't take this job we may be screwed by Christmas.

I can't seem to come up with a good compromise. :disa: Any one have any advice to offer?

[ski]

I have been told by many that part (if not a lot) of marriage is about sacrifice. To me, I'd think that's a sacrifice that your wife should make for the well-being of your relationship. Also, being a few hours away from family and being out of her safety zone would probably do her well -- it means that she'll cherish the times she and the fam are actually together more, in my experience.

I would say if this job in San Jose is something you really want to do or an extremely good offer, don't let go of it. If it's one of the first opportunities that came up and there might be other opportunities in the Orange County area, then all might be easier.

[ray]

Is there a possibility to move from San Jose back to the Los Angeles area after a year or so? If so, then maybe you can get an apartment up in SJ, work there during the week, and come back down to see your wife. That may be a viable option if you can see yourself moving within the company or to a new job.

[bachviet]

Is there a possibility to move from San Jose back to the Los Angeles area after a year or so? If so, then maybe you can get an apartment up in SJ, work there during the week, and come back down to see your wife. That may be a viable option if you can see yourself moving within the company or to a new job.
I know families with husbands working up in San Jose and their wives stay in OC. You could do that in a short run but it's impossible to do it for a long period of time especially if you have small children.

[Maarchk]

It sounds like the alternative to moving, is the whole family suffers. I think that would make your wife less happy to be in trouble for money versus a new neighborhood. I realize its not that simple, but from what you have said it seems like it is. tell her that you feel its in the best interests of the whole family. cause i think you care about all of them and thats why you want to do it.

[NullUnit2000]

I know the decision should be obvious, but unhappiness is going to result one way or the other. I think we've just been spoiled up to this point. We've become very comfortable with our lives here and the threat of that changing is a hard pill to swallow. We just need to remind ourselves that life is all about change and often times that change can be for the better.

But this still sucks.

[psycho-]

Tell your wife that marriages involve comprimise....then remind yourself that marriages involve comprimise.

[ufcrusher]

I can tell you from experience that this situation will cause bitterness and resentment no matter what happens. The individuals who I know ended up being cross-continental from each other...with trips one way or the other about once a month. Definitely not condusive to a relationship but it can be done for short periods of time.

Get yourself set up and then start having your wife come up to find a place. Does her job have the ability to transfer? If so, then look into that, otherwise just make sure that you find the place she wants, get it, and then have a $$ buffer for the time it takes her to get a new position. Since she is reluctant to move, it may be difficult to get her to start looking in a new area but if you can help by point her the sleeping ducks, it will help you.

[ray]

I know the decision should be obvious, but unhappiness is going to result one way or the other. I think we've just been spoiled up to this point. We've become very comfortable with our lives here and the threat of that changing is a hard pill to swallow. We just need to remind ourselves that life is all about change and often times that change can be for the better.

But this still sucks.

Well, you still have some time to try and get yourself some offers in the local SoCal area.

What is your area of expertise?

[zenbooty]

Have you tried looking for work where you live? I'm not sure from what you say that this decision should be so obvious as you say.

[NullUnit2000]

Well, you still have some time to try and get yourself some offers in the local SoCal area.

What is your area of expertise?

I'm a 3D Modeler/Graphic Artist. Specifically video game development.

Anyone in OC wanna give me a job?

[ray]

http://jobs-activision.icims.com/activision_jobs/jobs/candidate/jobs.jsp

[NullUnit2000]

Thanks Ray. I actually know of quite a few job listing sites for the game biz. I even have a recruiter looking for me. The trick is getting an interview. This is a very competitive field. The place that made me the offer in San Jose told me I was one of over 120 applicants for 2 positions. That may explaine why I'm so reluctant to pass on this job. If I do there's no guarantee that I'll be able to find anything else in time.

[faither]

Unless your both prepared and able to live off your wife's salary, I think your wife needs to recognize that moving away doesn't mean your "leaving" her family. All of my family (parents, sibblings, friends, etc.) and 95% of my wife's are here in the metropolitan NYC area but when an opportunity presented itself necessitting a move to FL, we've decided (together) to make the move. How far is it from OC to San Jose?

[mcs328]

I don't want to sound mean but your wife needs to cut the cord. If not taking the job means you lose your house, car, etc just so she can be close to ger family and friends then that seems selfish. And if she sticks to her guns then both of you might be seeing more of her family if you're forced to move back home.

Keep looking for jobs in your area and I hope you can come to a compromise.

[cheapie]

we left our friends and family and moved about 2 hours away from mine and 1.25 from hers. best thing we ever did. we see them when we can and cherish the time when we're together. and since it was just my wife and i for a year or so until we found new friends we became a lot closer.

[kimchicowboy]

yeah. SJ really isn't too far from OC realistically. i'm originally from san jose and went to UCLA with friends from the bay area. they'd take trips home pretty often. :)

[DarkFury]

Maybe you should take your wife down to the "unemployment line" and show her all of the "HAPPY" people that hang out there in Orange County... That way, she can get to know her new friends... :D


Honestly, unless she can do something to become the "breadwinner" or find you a new job in the OC, then maybe she should start getting with the program and supporting you in your career.

Marriage is a 2 way street, but some folks only want to go one way it seems...

[RoniMan]

well, i'd first would want to know why your wife is so adamant against moving. then it would be easier to reach a compromise.

[DarkFury]

well, i'd first would want to know why your wife is so adamant against moving. then it would be easier to reach a compromise.

Pretty much he summed it up here:


I have moved around a lot durning my life, but my wife has always lived in Orange County. This is where her friends and family are and she has no desire to leave.

Honestly, it can be hard for someone who has never had to live away from their hometown to just up and move... but sometimes folks just gotta look at the "bigger picture" here.

[ShawnLee]

I'm with what people have said before. It's a compromise and you need to talk with your wife some more about this.

I'd just like to remind you that housing is fairly expensive in San Jose (though OC is certainly fairly close). I just hope that if this is for finances, that any gain you get isn't thrown out by the higher cost of living up north.

[brainsmile]

why has no one asked also about the kids? How old are they and how will this impact them? I mean I think it's in your best interest to move but that's me

[cheapie]

lol. i just assumed that anyone in the gaming industry wouldn't have kids.

[NullUnit2000]

lol. i just assumed that anyone in the gaming industry wouldn't have kids.

You assumed correctly. When I refered to "my family" I was meant to my wife and I. Oh, and our cat. But I don't think he care one way or the other.

[eSDee]

So they offered you the job already Null?

[NullUnit2000]

So they offered you the job already Null?

Yeah. I had done two phone interviews and an art test. Yesterday was the final face-to-face meeting. They flew me up there, bought me lunch and after meeting with the team and getting the group "okay" they offered me the job.

[Dave_7]

Consider pursuing a job here, still. The best time to look for a job is when you have one. And right now... it sounds like you have two.

What would you be doing if the No.Cal option was not so readily available?


Dave.

[NullUnit2000]

What would you be doing if the No.Cal option was not so readily available?

Freaking out. But seriously, having to find a new job in this business is not that unusual. I've done it many times before. The problem this time is now I have a wife to think about. In the past it was just me and I had no qualms about packing up and moving to a new area. My wife wants more personal and financial stablility and as long as this is my career I'm afraid I'll never be able to give her that.

[psycho-]

Once again, unless your wife is willing to be the breadwinner; she has to be pretty selfish to refuse to even consider moving.

BTW, there is no such thing as personal and financial stability in ANY field of work. it's just life and that aspect is just reality.

[Merlin]

Maybe it is just time to get a new wife. :shrug:

[DarkFury]

Maybe it is just time to get a new wife. :shrug:
Honestly, I was trying not to go there... but that thought did cross the back of my mind. :eek:

[attgig]

but unhappiness is going to result one way or the other. I think we've just been spoiled up to this point. We've become very comfortable with our lives here and the threat of that changing is a hard pill to swallow. We just need to remind ourselves that life is all about change and often times that change can be for the better.

But this still sucks.yup

and it seems like everyone's saying "compromise" is your wife giving in and saying ok, let's move.

and most of me agrees. it's good for a person to get out of their comfort zone and move into something that can be challenging and difficult. not always fun, but it can be a very good and growing experience.


but i'm sure you know better than I..... just straight out telling her that isn't going to go over well with her. and talking with her, already having that made up in your head isn't going to go over well with her either.

I think you have to show her every effort to stay in LA....and as a last resort, take that SJ job. and when you show every effort, I mean SHOW her every single job you've been applying to, and every interview that you're trying to get. make sure she knows that even though that job would've been your first choice if you were single, you haven't already made up your mind just because of her. and that you're doing your best to accomidate her desires.


and then you can tank on the interviews, and move :-P


when do u have to respond to the SJ job by?

[brainsmile]

he he

[NullUnit2000]

when do u have to respond to the SJ job by?

Monday. And I wouldn't be starting until Jan. 2.

As for getting a new wife, not an option. We've only been married for three years, but we've been together for eleven. I would do anything for her and she would do the same thing for me. Normally that would be a good thing, but in this case it's pulling us in different directions.

She's indicated she would be willing to move, but can't deny she would feel some resentment. And of course I would feel the same way about not moving.

It's starting to look like we will move, but yikes, it's gonna be rough.

Thanks to all who have offered their advice. I will be sure to post a follow-up once things settle down. If they settle down. :rolleyes: