Funny Euphemisms, Share Your Favorites!

[BrewMaster]

So a coworker of mine made the comment today that a guy we were talking about, "Gets more ass than a toilet seat." I've heard that euphemism before but it just had me laughing my ass of this time.

So what are some of your favorite euphemisms? They don't need to be sexual in nature, it just happened to be in this case.

[NullUnit2000]

Doing the "horizontal mombo".

[eSDee]

When referring to someone being nervous or skittish, I have always liked the expression "that guy was more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" :hihi:

[welfareloser]

man, my kentucky friend, nodamnsense, is full of em, courtesy of his 70-year-old former tugboat captain daddy... i wish i could remember more of em.

"i'm so hungry, i could eat a mule dick fried in tar" is my favorite of his.

"busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest"

"we're only giving out two things today: bubble gum and hard, dry c***. and we're out of bubblegum."

yesterday, bored with "it's colder than a witch's tit out there," i came up with "it's colder than [insert name of frigid-looking famous woman here]'s p**** out there."

[whitak24]

So a coworker of mine made the comment today that a guy we were talking about, "Gets more ass than a toilet seat." I've heard that euphemism before but it just had me laughing my ass of this time.

So what are some of your favorite euphemisms? They don't need to be sexual in nature, it just happened to be in this case.
i first heard that one in "lost highway" and it made me lmao. (although there it was "more p**** than a toilet seat").

i can't think of any good ones right now though.

[zenbooty]

I love these. I could go on and on.

He's dumb as a box of hammers.

Its hotter than Satan's crotch outside!

The geezer was older than dirt.


Of course, The Foghorn Leghorn Classic:
"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

[BrewMaster]

"busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest"

:lmfao:

that one is freakin' great! i'll definately find use for that.

[whitak24]

oh, i just thought of a favorite of mine:

"i sing like an amputee -- can't hold a note, can't carry a tune."

(courtesy of the bloodhound gang).

by the way, i think my friends must be too slow. if i were to use any of those lines (especially the one-legged man one), my friends wouldn't laugh. they would make me slow down and repeat it. :2far:

[Memo]

Time to make like a sheperd and get the flock outta here.

[dsuds]

Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger.

Slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Roddy Piper - "I'm here to do two things, kick a$$ and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum." (variation on wl's)

Smiling bigger than a mule eating briars.

Happier than a pig in s***

Sweating like a whore in church

[BrewMaster]

by the way, i think my friends must be too slow. if i were to use any of those lines (especially the one-legged man one), my friends wouldn't laugh. they would make me slow down and repeat it. :2far:
sounds like you need to get some smarter friends.

[whitak24]

sounds like you need to get some smarter friends.
my friends are almost all quite intelligent, it's just that there are only a few of them whose sense of humor is quite as twisted and arcane as mine.

that's why gotapex is so great. i find people who appreciate my jokes *almost* as much as i do. :heh:

[BrewMaster]

that's why gotapex is so great. i find people who appreciate my jokes *almost* as much as i do. :heh:
there's no better audience than the one inside your head.

[whitak24]

i dunno. the audience inside my head can be a tough crowd at times :hmm:

:hihi:

[welfareloser]

here's two that mean "livin large"

cuttin a fat hog in the ass

shi**in in tall cotton


and here's one i remember from some teenie-lit book i read in grade school... "he thinks he's hot sh** on a silver platter, but he's nothin but cold piss in a paper cup."

i've always liked that one, but 20 years later have YET to find an occasion to use it...

oh, and stephen king uses many good ones in his books... my favorite...

"why don't you go take a flying f*** at a rolling donut?" :heh:

[Yossarian]

thats cause you dont tell enough aracnoid jokes...

[ialsohaveadream]

One of my all-time favorites when talking about women: "That girl has booty for days"

When there's a little too much cleavage exposed: "Ah, I see you're letting the girls come out and play."

And finally, combining sex AND drugs: "That woman gives more blow than Tony Montana."

[blueindian]

my dad always said things were, "slicker than a peeled onion"

i commonly use "happier than a pig in ****" and "high as a kite"

my british pals get a kick when i say (uppon spying a hottie), "i'd f*** the dogsh*t outta her"

i use a ton of these, but i can't remember 'cause yall put me on the spot and they're so ingrained i don't even realize i use them.

[ialsohaveadream]

Some more:

"Cooler than a polar bear's toenails" (credit to Outkast on that one)

"You **** the way toes get cold- through a hole in the sheet"

"I'm out like the trash on a Thursday"

[DarkFury]

"They got me workin' like a Hebrew Slave". :D

or you could substitute "Workin' like a Georgia Mule". :hihi:

[zenbooty]

Oh, great one I heard, I forget where. Talking about a slick and successful salesman at a conference, "Man, he worked 'em there like a crack whore in a high school locker room."

[chadlnc]

Ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.

[donnar]

she could suck the chrome off a bumper

her pants are so tight they must be painted on

[LegendKiller]

She's so nasty I wouldn't screw her with somebody else's wang

Sun has gotta shine on a dogs arse sometime

Then of course there's Kill Bill 2's "Your about as useful as an ******* on my elbow"

Or useful as tits on a boarhog


I have been using "Colder than a witch's titty" all week since I came to MN.

Steph uses "Hey, are you an architect? Build a bridge and get over it" every time I bitch about something.

[hoey222]

dumber than a bag full of hammers


sounded like a bucket of smashed a$$holes

[Yossarian]

Your breath is so bad you could knock a buzzard off a sh*t wagon.

Come down off your cross, build a bridge, and get over it.(Christopher Titus)

Not the sharpest peanut in the turd

[RoniMan]

not sure if these are "euphimisms"...but i like these anyways

if there's grass on the field, play ball

i'm sorry, were u talking to someone who cared?

[welfareloser]

yeah, a euphemism is substituting a gentler term for an offensive one... like the "clean air act" or a "liberation mission." :P

i'm sure there's a good word for what these are, but i don't know it off the top of my head... they're not aphorisms, axioms, kennings, truisms, similes, idioms, metaphors, proverbs... i guess i'll just call them "colorful sayings" until someone less lazy than myself figures out what they really are :P

[welfareloser]

i've got some variations of some above listed colorful sayings...

she could suck a basketball through a garden hose

i wouldn't touch her with a stolen d***

[dsuds]

A thought in his head rattles around like bb's in a boxcar.

She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
(edit: damn wl, you posted that while I was composing.... no fair)

She's so fine I'd like to bite her a$$ and pray for lockjaw.

[Sesshomaru]

yeah, a euphemism is substituting a gentler term for an offensive one... like the "clean air act" or a "liberation mission." :P

i'm sure there's a good word for what these are, but i don't know it off the top of my head... they're not aphorisms, axioms, kennings, truisms, similes, idioms, metaphors, proverbs... i guess i'll just call them "colorful sayings" until someone less lazy than myself figures out what they really are :P

Glad I'm not the only fuddy duddy to think so too...But here's a true euphemism, Asian style, from Joy Luck club (i think):

When asked why Mrs. "Chow's" son was in prison, the lady replied, "Oh, he got stopped by police on highway. He had too many TV in car!"

[Hypnotist]

they can sell ice cubes to eskimos
they have the personality of a 3-minute egg
I gotta pi$$ like racehorse
they've been hit with an ugly stick
let's make like tree and leaf

[BrewMaster]

she could suck a basketball through a garden hose

in Full Metal Jacket it is presented as "you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose."

[InfiniteNothing]

I gotta pi$$ like racehorse

I never understood that one. Anyone?

[eSDee]

Ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.

:hihi: That is classic. Keep em coming everyone!


I never understood that one. Anyone?

from here (http://www.joe-ks.com/phrases/phrasesP.htm):



Horses, it turns out, don't always feel comfortable urinating just anywhere. Show horses and racehorses spend a great deal of time in their pens and come to feel safe and secure there. They don't like to urinate outside of those pens and in many cases won't.

In fact show and racehorses are frequently returned to their pens to allow them to urinate. Hence racehorses are often walking around outside of their pens with an urgent need to urinate.

Alternative: This phrase originated in the practice (currently illegal, I believe) of giving diuretics to racehorses. The horse would then urinate substantially and drop a few pounds in the process. Voila! A lighter, faster, somewhat dehydrated horse.

[ialsohaveadream]

"You can't turn a ho into a housewife."

And a slightly more inside joke among me and my friends, but it always makes me laugh (and it's not hard to figure out what we're talking about):
"At least I was the FIRST one to walk through that screen door."

[Jeffbx]

From Pretty in Pink, if I remember correctly:

"I'm off like a prom dress!"

[welfareloser]

courtesy of obby, the lyrical gangsta:

So what your'e saying is..if a goat produces cheese, and a cow produces milk, then a dog can crap in it's water dish and the results are all the same.

i'm still howling over that one... i will use it often and well... :lmfao:

[BrewMaster]

courtesy of obby, the lyrical gangsta:

So what your'e saying is..if a goat produces cheese, and a cow produces milk, then a dog can crap in it's water dish and the results are all the same.

i'm still howling over that one... i will use it often and well... :lmfao:
i still don't get it though because goats don't produce cheese, they produce milk that is made into cheese just like a cow.

[welfareloser]

just roll with it... it's funny... :P

[BrewMaster]

:shrug:

commence rolling....

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

[molecularfire]

The only ones that I can think of that I use regularly are:

I'll beat you like a stepchild.
I'll beat you like a rented mule.
I'll beat you like a bongo.
Dumber than dog dung.

I'm not sure if these are euphemisms or just insults and threats. :)

[welfareloser]

:heh: i'll beat you like a redheaded stepchild is how i use it...

here's one, courtesy of the writer known as zane...

"i am gonna f*** you like i hate you!"

for some reason, that shocked me so bad i couldn't stop laughing...

[DaFunkyUnit]

lets say a person spends a lot/too much money, a spend thrift, if you will.

you can say "That person is spending money like its going out of style."

(this can be applied to other actions, eg. wearing crappy clothes, eating taquitos, etc...)

[welfareloser]

fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

got hit with the ugly stick

hey, the ugly store called... they want that shirt back

[ialsohaveadream]

:heh: i'll beat you like a redheaded stepchild is how i use it....

:stupid: Redheaded is the way to go.

In the actual euphemism category: "Getting a mouthful of the two-lips" (works better when said out loud, since typing it kinda gives away the joke)

[BrewMaster]

the best in the beatings category has to be, "I'll beat you like a one-legged step child."

[zenbooty]

the best in the beatings category has to be, "I'll beat you like a one-legged step child."Nope, its, "I clubbed him like a baby seal!"

[OC]

...praying to God like he was Dale Earnhardt or something.

Nice shirt - who killed the sofa?

[BrewMaster]

Nice shirt - who killed the sofa?
wasn't that one in a movie recently? i can't remember...

[OC]

Build a bridge and get over itI am SO stealing that one!

[cheapie]

obby's was fantastic. it made no sense whatsoever but somehow it conveyed the intended meaning.

we just had a christmas lunch so these came to mind...

if God didn't want us to eat animals, he would have made them out of meat.

salad is what real food eats.

[Hopper1]

It's cold enough to break the balls off a brass monkey.

[DarkFury]

Ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.
I thought that was more of a "snap" than a euphemism...

But since you went there...

"Ugly enought to scare a cat off of a fish truck". :D


she could suck the chrome off a bumper

Heh... I've heard it as "She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose". :hihi:

[BrewMaster]

don't get hung up on the word "euphemism." i'm not even sure if the one I started this thread with is technically a euphamism, but whatever.

[DarkFury]

in Full Metal Jacket it is presented as "you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose."

Heh... :thumb:

[BrewMaster]

that's harder than Chinese algebra.

[nickel]

one sandwich short of a picnic
hornier than a two peckered billy goat

[welfareloser]

don't get hung up on the word "euphemism." i'm not even sure if the one I started this thread with is technically a euphamism, but whatever.

don't worry... nobody's hung up on it. i think we're all just curious as to what they might properly be called, if anything. and no, the one you started with wasn't a euphemism. the "driving with too many tvs" is the only one so far that is also a euphemism, in addition to being colorful/creative/convoluted.

[BrewMaster]

from aglio412 in the VW Golf thread in the auto forum:

I love it like Charmin' loves Ex-lax. :heh:

[DarkFury]

that's harder than Chinese algebra.
umm... that's Chinese Arithmetic.... :shrug:

[BrewMaster]

umm... that's Chinese Arithmetic.... :shrug:
i heard it as Chinese algebra in Craig Shoemaker's Lovemaster comedy routine. :shrug:

[zenbooty]

i heard it as Chinese algebra in Craig Shoemaker's Lovemaster comedy routine. :shrug:It was Chinese Algebra in Tom Wait's "Pasties and a G-String" as well.

He used the "Get more ass than a toilet seat" line as well, in a song called Putnam County

He had another good one, though I don't know if its a euphemism per se, "Why, I'm so goddamn horny, the crack of dawn better be careful 'round me."

[Yossarian]

It was Chinese Algebra in Tom Wait's "Pasties and a G-String" as well.

hehe, i love that song.

[kei2]

I thought the "beating" one was "I'm going to beat you like you stole something."

For the penny-pinchers out there, "He could squeeze the green out of a dollar bill."

[BrewMaster]

i guess there's lots of phrases for beatings. but we're not a violent culture or anything. :D

[gwilks98]

Useless as a pulled tooth.
Sweatin' like an Amish man in circuit city.
Colder than a witch's tit on Halloween.
Putting him in a suit is like putting socks on a rooster.
Crazed as a rat in a thin sh*t house.
She's been on more laps than a dinner napkin.
He's gayer than a football bat or He's queer as a three dollar bill.
I was drinking beer like it was my job.
Drunk as a skunk.
Useless as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

Edit: I just found a couple good ones on the web:


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
And from National Lampoon's: "I wouldn't be this surprised if I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet."

[kei2]

I need a _____ like a fish needs a bicycle.

[ialsohaveadream]

"It's sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves".

[ShawnLee]

I thought the "beating" one was "I'm going to beat you like you stole something."I can identify with that statement since I was about ready to beat somebody last night.
I always liked the red-headed stepchild beating euphemism.

A person I knew called stalking a chick, "creatively getting to know her."

[gwilks98]

I heard another one last night....
She's laid more pipe than a plumber.

[ialsohaveadream]

Uh, wouldn't that be HE'S laid more pipe than a plumber? Otherwise I'd check the neck on that chick.

[gwilks98]

Uh, wouldn't that be HE'S laid more pipe than a plumber? Otherwise I'd check the neck on that chick.

Ah! Transvestite! Back away! Wait, Pre-op or post op?

[ShawnLee]

Here's one I don't get. Bought the farm. What about buying a farm refers to death?

[OC]

Here's one I don't get. Bought the farm. What about buying a farm refers to death?
It depends on who you talk to.

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/farm.htm
http://www.rootsweb.com/~genepool/meanings.htm

[ialsohaveadream]

I'd always heard it referred to a farmer dying, and his life insurance finally paying off the farm, since the farm never made money. The snopes one is in the same vein, though, and is probably closer to the actual origin.

[DarkFury]

For the penny-pinchers out there, "He could squeeze the green out of a dollar bill."

Heh...

So cheap and stingy that he'd squeeze a nickel till you could see the Indian ride the buffalo. :hihi:

[ShawnLee]

It depends on who you talk to.

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/farm.htm
http://www.rootsweb.com/~genepool/meanings.htm Danke, it's certainly an interesting read, and at least I know people are as lost as I am.

[Airencracken]

Slow as christmas.

Like swimming through pudding. (my own)

She looks like mutton dressed up as lamb (old chicks in tight clothes)

Smells like a whores handbag.

[BrewMaster]

So cheap and stingy that he'd squeeze a nickel till you could see the Indian ride the buffalo. :hihi:
even cheaper and stingier (sp?) if they can squeeze a nickel until you can see the buffalo ride the Indian! :eek: :D :hihi:

[yippiekiyeh]

The one I heard yesterday that made me smile was...mouth full of popcorn.

As in that guy pissed me off, he ended up getting a mouth full of popcorn.


This is an A and B conversation... C your way out of it...

Kid in a candy store (oldie but goodie)


Just used this right now and I have to add it to the list before I forget..

What am I Chopped Liver?

[guiseppewv]

here's two that mean "livin large"

cuttin a fat hog in the ass


I've never heard that one but I do like thes two:

"Livin' high on the hog" (The best meat is up on the top of the hog's back)

If you are in a hurry: You need to "get the hog in the a$$".

"Stiffer than woodpecker lips"

"Uglier than a mud fence"


umm... that's Chinese Arithmetic.... :shrug:

:stupid:

[guiseppewv]

Uh, wouldn't that be HE'S laid more pipe than a plumber? Otherwise I'd check the neck on that chick.

:lmfao:

[Hopper1]

Funnier than a monkey ****ing a football.

[BrewMaster]

Funnier than a monkey ****ing a football.
is there really anything funnier than that?!

[nimj2323ck]

is there really anything funnier than that?!
Of course, two monkeys.

[Nija]

is there really anything funnier than that?!

What's funnier than punting a small dog?





NOTHING!
:heh:

[donnar]

she's got a butter face, everything is good but her face

[ialsohaveadream]

is there really anything funnier than that?!

:stupid: That would have to be unfathomably hilarious.

[nickel]

Heh...

So cheap and stingy that he'd squeeze a nickel till you could see the Indian ride the buffalo. :hihi:
i resemble that remark ;)

[BrewMaster]

Of course, two monkeys.
do they each come with their own football? if so, I agree. :hihi:


What's funnier than punting a small dog?


that reminds me of Anchorman when Jack Black the biker punts the dog off the bridge. so damn funny...

[welfareloser]

still funny twenty years later... ferris bueller...

he's so uptight you could stick a lump of coal up his ass, and in two weeks you'd have a diamond.

[Yossarian]

that's a fivehead, it's too big to be a forehead

[welfareloser]

:heh: man, that one got me good... it's the childish ones that make me spit out my soda...