The Talking Clock

[Mommypooh]

sorry if this is a repost I could not find it anywhere but that does not mean it isn't there.


A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You *******! It's three o'clock in the morning!"

Here check this one out too. That is one really well trained bird.
http://tinyurl.com/52ydx (http://tinyurl.com/52ydx)

[AmRivlin]

LOL. nice

[Mommypooh]

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing
will...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in love. When it became apparent that they would marry
she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some
months later her car broke down on the way home from
work. Since she lived in the country she called her
husband and told him that she would be late because
she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of
the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it,
she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving
home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner
tonight.
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at
the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to
remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone
rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until
he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting
her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let
it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned,apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she
peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!!
Now forward this to all of your friends who deserve a
good laugh!!

[BigJon]

Here check this one out too. That is one really well trained bird.
http://tinyurl.com/52ydx (http://tinyurl.com/52ydx)
Friggin' bird is a genius... :eek2:

[bachviet]

Good ones! :laugh:

[Mommypooh]

>A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
>her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
>the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
>said,
>"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
>The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
>Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
>How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
>testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
>
>The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
>a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
>As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
>legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
>top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
>The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
>later with a beautiful cat.
>
>The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak
>to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
>head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
>The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
>is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
>
>Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
>produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
>The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 she cried.
>"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
>
>The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
>would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it
>all adds up."

[Showtime]

Ha ha. Heard the 1st one recently. The 2nd I heard, but it was a man who made the promise not to eat beans. The 3rd is new to me. My favorite joke of all time is the Guerilla removers joke that was posted here last year.

-j

[bachviet]

*SNIPPED*
That's good. :thumbup:

[RoniMan]

[QUOTE=Mommypooh]>The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

:lmfao:

i love that one!!! i'm gonna tell it to my class this weekend.

[Mommypooh]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

>>
>> This is cute. :)



>> My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought
>> me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
>> monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a
>> good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it
>> leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
>>
>>
>> Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the classes. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Margaret Mary, who created the universe?"
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, "Very good," and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, "Who is our Lord and
Saviour?"
But again Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again,
little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with his pencil.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Margaret Mary soon fell
back to sleep.
The Nun soon asked Margaret Mary a third question:
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again little Johnny came to the rescue. This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me
one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.

[TofuNinja]

hahahaha those made my pre-work day

[bachviet]

The last two are funny. :laugh:

[Mommypooh]

Should You Be Institutionalized?

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, here's your test:
(Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)


1. Would you use the spoon?


2. Would you use the teacup?


3. Would you use the bucket?



V

V

V

V

V













.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."





"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."





So how did *you* do?

[Airencracken]

lame. :P

[RIVERWIDOW]

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing
will...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in love. When it became apparent that they would marry
she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some
months later her car broke down on the way home from
work. Since she lived in the country she called her
husband and told him that she would be late because
she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of
the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it,
she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving
home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner
tonight.
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at
the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to
remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone
rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until
he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting
her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let
it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned,apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she
peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!!
Now forward this to all of your friends who deserve a
good laugh!!

This was actually a scene from the old T.V. show Picket Fences. :cheers:

[RIVERWIDOW]

Avery drunk man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. Looking around he sees 3 men sitting at a table , he staggers over and gets right in the face of the biggest biker in the bar."I went by your grandmas house today & I saw her naked in the hallway. Man she is one fine looking old lady". The biker looks up but doesn't say a thing. His biker buddies are confused because this guy doesn't take **** from anyone.The drunk leans over again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had. Now the bikers buddies are really getting mad but he just sits there and doesn't say anything. The drunk leans on the table again and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, you're grandma liked it". At this point the biker stands up ,takes the drunk by the arm and says" come on grandpa we're going home...you're drunk. :cheers: