What happend to my friendship

[Mommypooh]

Hi to you all. I am having a hard moment right now. I have been feeling really outside the loop when it comes to my friends. I have two friends one is my best friend and she has a little boy 6 months younger than my DD, we will Call her Joy. I have another friend who has a daughter that is 3 months younger than mine, we will call her Hope.

background on Joy she has one child who is almost 2 years old and works out of the home. Her son is in Day care and she only chose to breastfeed for 9 months and dosen't know if she will when and if they ever have another child. She does not Cloth Diaper. She does not practice Attachment parenting.

Background on Hope. She has two kids one is 12 years old and is rasied by her mom and the other is just over 2 years old and she acctually rasies her herself. She is a work from home mom, well the office to the business her uncle owns is attached to the house so she works and keeps her daughter home with her. She does not breastfeed, she does not cloth diaper, she does not practice attachement parenting. But she also doesn't care that I do.

Background on myself. I am a SAHM of two kids a DD 2 1/2 years old and a DS 8 months old. I Breastfeed both kids, I Cloth diaper both kids, I practice attachment parenting with both kids.

Here is the story I was supposed to go to Joys house to hang out and Hope was coming over too. Well I get there and Joy invited another friend along that we will call Ann. I get along okay with ann, she has not kids and really doesn't mind much that we do. Or at least it seems that way. Well I had been there for about 45 mins. and another friend shows up, Bri, and she also has no kids and really doesn't like me nor do I like her very much. So that make things a little uncomfortable for me. Well then about another hour passes and finally Hope shows up. Well we have some left over Pizza and are hanging out in the kitchen and another friend Shows up, Shea, well she has said on many occasions that she doesn't like the fact that we have kids and again I really don't like her. Well we are sitting in the living room talking about getting pictures of the kids done in OSU garb and Joy says to me "If I bring a disposible diaper to the photo place will you please use it while we are taking pictures they are much trimmer and look better" I was so shocked that I just didn't know what to say. Well most of the evening went with comments being made about me and how weird I am. I am weird because I still breastfeed both my kids, I am really weird because I choose to Cloth diaper, and the I chose to practice attachment parenting and that kids belong in their own room from day one and should not be allowed to ever be in mom and dads bed or room for that matter. I left early to say the least as I could not take it any more. I have been feeling cut off from them a lot of the time anyways, and I think this is the last straw. My biggest problem is that fact that these are the only two friends I have and I just don't know what to do. I have no way of meeting friends and wouldn't even know how to start or where to go. I feel so alone in this endevor.

I guess I just needed to vent to someone who will listen. I feel like I have friends on line but not in real life.

[brainsmile]

Well you certainly are in a difficult spot. Friends are entitled to opinions but they should be willing to defend your feelings as well. I'm not sure what you can or should do.

[Kim]

Check out this site parentsoup (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppattachment)

Maybe someone is in your area.

[WhiskeyPapa]

We've been through all that (well, actually my wife has, because when guys get together they talk about sports, fishing, computers, hunting, and it doesn't matter how many kids you have and how you raise them!)

All I can tell you is that you just need to ignore them. After you have your sixth or seventh kid, you just let the comments slide off your back and you don't care. Basically what I'm saying is don't sweat the small stuff, because it's all small stuff.

[faither]

What the meaning of the disposible diaper line and why have you let it bother you so? You've chosen a certain path for parenting and those around you another. I don't know why that would preclude friendship -- unless any of the kids were so wacky that they'd cause harm to others. If there are things you have in common, focus on them. If not, try to expand your sphere to include others.

Since moving to FL, my wife has had the most difficult transition as she worked prior to our relocating. I go to work each day, our two older daughters go to school and have met other kids and my wife is home with the baby and doesn't have the same opportunity to meet others. That said, she's working hard at it. She met some other women at Gymboree, joined a playgroup for the baby and has joined the PTA. Now that we're in OUR house, she's beginning to meet other mothers who are home.

[BigJon]

Faither, I don't think it was the actual comments more than it was the attitude behind them.

[WhiskeyPapa]

There may be another reason Amy was upset by the comments, and this may not sound too nice... but we saw a lot of this in us when we were younger.

It's the difference between a compulsion and a conviction. Whenever we have strong beliefs, especially when they're new, or we're young, we want validation of those beliefs. We want all of our friends to not only accept with what we do, but to embrace those ideas. We want them to agree with our beliefs and affirm them. That's a compulsion. If our beliefs are rejected by them, we feel belittled and isolated.

When our beliefs become convictions, we follow them because they are right for us, not because others understand or even agree. In fact, we generally don't care what others think about our convictions.

Years ago, my wife and I would bellyache for hours on end about our friends who didn't home school, or had vasectomies, or used birth control, or any number of other compulsions we had. It took us a long time to realize that we only needed to understand our convictions, and not to worry about what others believe. That finally gave us a lot of peace.

There are simply some subjects you would be better keeping you mouth shut about when you are with your friends. You don't need to spread the gospel of attachment parenting or cloth diapers. :D

[Grimm]

Friends accept each other, no matter how weird they are.

Ask yourself if you were advocating your methods over theirs, or could they have taken any of your comments as advocation. If this is the case, then it is an expected deffensive action. It's something that you pretty much forced them into.
If you honestly evaluate the incident and find that you couldn't have been putting them on the deffensive, well, then it's their problem. You need to let them know that you feel as if you were being attacked. You don't need to conform to their expectations. Ask them to respect your choices, not try to change them. If they can't, then go out and find real friends.

[nickel]

friends don't have to be totally alike in personalities and beliefs.
and i wouldn't call those people friends MommyPooh.

make some new friends who aren't so judgmental and like you for you.

you can do it. :)

[riskykougra]

I could be way off base here but maybe when they are with you and see how you have put so much thought and care into making sure your children are happy, healthy and well cared for without using the easy methods of doing things they feel slightly inadequate around you....through no fault of your own....and it made them feel better about themselves to lash out a lil, maybe without even realizing they felt that way or were actually hurting your feelings. In my experience it seems to me that some mothers feel the need to "compete" with other mothers. I had my first son young and have been a mother half my life and people I know who are just now having kids still feel the need to tell me how to raise my younger 2....Its easier just to smile and nod even though I want to remind them I have been a mother for 17 years and my son couldnt have turned out any better if I tried. :)