Life without adjaw

[johnsfriend]

Hey all. I'm adjaw's friend and am having a really tough time moving on. I have been through losses before, close family and others, but this one is really hard. Some of the happiest times in my life were with him and though I have had many close friends, he was the last one. Every one I've met in the last 20+ years has been only an acquaintance. Not to say they weren't good people, just that due to age or circumstance or whatever, I don't make friends anymore. Since adjaw is gone I not only have a hole in my heart, but truly have lost a part of myself. I have spoken with many who knew him and they have been helpful but I still carry an empty feeling with me throughout my day. It's not that I'm crying and despondent all the time, just blank, empty, lost. I have a wonderful wife who has been very supportive and understanding of my loss but my relationship with her has always been one where I was the strong one, even though I am not an emotionally strong person. I cannot turn to her for this kind of help. Also, I am not a spiritual person so that option is out. I have always learned a lot about myself by talking rather than thinking so I thought I would come here and ramble a bit. I hope you all don't mind.

[oblongmelon]

Who is adjaw and where did he go? *blank look*

[DarkFury]

Who is adjaw and where did he go? *blank look*
You must've been away for awhile..

You can read the whole story here: http://forums.gotapex.com/showthread.php?t=93907


Long story short... adjaw was a member here who recently committed suicide. Go read the link above for more details.

[gear02]

Read this thread: http://forums.gotapex.com/showthread.php?t=93907

Page 5 is his last post. It's really the saddest thing I've read.

[brainsmile]

Who is adjaw and where did he go? *blank look*
have you been gone for a while?

[nickel]

Hey all. I'm adjaw's friend and am having a really tough time moving on. I have been through losses before, close family and others, but this one is really hard. Some of the happiest times in my life were with him and though I have had many close friends, he was the last one. Every one I've met in the last 20+ years has been only an acquaintance. Not to say they weren't good people, just that due to age or circumstance or whatever, I don't make friends anymore. Since adjaw is gone I not only have a hole in my heart, but truly have lost a part of myself. I have spoken with many who knew him and they have been helpful but I still carry an empty feeling with me throughout my day. It's not that I'm crying and despondent all the time, just blank, empty, lost. I have a wonderful wife who has been very supportive and understanding of my loss but my relationship with her has always been one where I was the strong one, even though I am not an emotionally strong person. I cannot turn to her for this kind of help. Also, I am not a spiritual person so that option is out. I have always learned a lot about myself by talking rather than thinking so I thought I would come here and ramble a bit. I hope you all don't mind.
we don't mind at all. writing down your feelings is a good thing.

grieving is actually a process. you are right to feel the way you do about your friend at this point, but it will get better. John would want it to get better for you.

i know family and other friends try to be a comfort to you, and they are comforting to a point, but sometimes you have to come to terms with this on your own.

i lost my father to cancer 3 years ago. i can trace my steps from then until now and see how the grieving process emerged and evolved. you'll be able to do it. there will be times you don't think so, but it will happen. the hole in your heart will eventually scar over.

have you thought of doing something to keep John's memory alive for you? i wrote a venison cookbook and dedicated it to my father who loved to hunt. it was such great therapy, and i'm sure it would've made him happy.

feel free to post your feelings here anytime. someone will always be here for you.

[eSDee]

Hey all. I'm adjaw's friend and am having a really tough time moving on. I have been through losses before, close family and others, but this one is really hard. Some of the happiest times in my life were with him and though I have had many close friends, he was the last one. Every one I've met in the last 20+ years has been only an acquaintance. Not to say they weren't good people, just that due to age or circumstance or whatever, I don't make friends anymore. Since adjaw is gone I not only have a hole in my heart, but truly have lost a part of myself. I have spoken with many who knew him and they have been helpful but I still carry an empty feeling with me throughout my day. It's not that I'm crying and despondent all the time, just blank, empty, lost. I have a wonderful wife who has been very supportive and understanding of my loss but my relationship with her has always been one where I was the strong one, even though I am not an emotionally strong person. I cannot turn to her for this kind of help. Also, I am not a spiritual person so that option is out. I have always learned a lot about myself by talking rather than thinking so I thought I would come here and ramble a bit. I hope you all don't mind.

Johnsfriend, please don't be afraid to ramble a bit or even a lot. A lot of people here were impacted by tragedy as well, although not nearly as much as you. But you can confide and rest assured that you won't be criticized nor laughed at. Talk about it and others will talk also.

The only thing that I can recommend is counseling. If you have insurance you can get it many times for free. People who have experienced tragedy have good results when going to counseling, because they can let it all out and have a professional digest and interpret a lot of mixed feelings. It can really help.

We're with you man.

[oblongmelon]

Ok basically in a nutshell I think everyone here is being hoaxed. I will not put my reasons in this column. If you want to know why I think-please pm me. Thanks.

[booger73]

http://www.legacy.com/DailyHerald/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=16217314

[angl2b]

johnsfriend - nobody will be able to fill that special place that John had in your life. Nobody will laugh at your sorrows and your ramblings. It is thearputic (sp?) to let it out.
I think that it is a great thing that you feel that you can talk to us. I think also that we will all be supportive to you.
The emptiness you feel is normal especially if he had a great role in your life. I am glad to know that your wife is supportive and is there for you. It helps to have someone there also to remind you that you are still here and loved. Remember John for all that he stood for, all the up's and down's you two had, all the lessons you two have learned from each other and remember all the small things though not significant at the time I am sure it means a lot now.
Stay strong, feel free to post and talk to us, and remember him at his best.
I know that the hurt is deep and that it will take a lot of time to heal - and even when it does there will be moments when you falter and hurt but its ok - cause that's what happens when you had a great friend that you remember.
:hug: I hope you feel better. :hug:

[Burzhui]

Ok basically in a nutshell I think everyone here is being hoaxed. I will not put my reasons in this column. If you want to know why I think-please pm me. Thanks.

oh come on that would be a pretty elaborate hoax

[oblongmelon]

Cardiff Giant. Google it. Hoax's are meant to be elaborate.

[Burzhui]

Cardiff Giant. Google it. Hoax's are meant to be elaborate.

but no one profits from this what would be the point

[southernbelle]

Hi Johnsfriend -

I wanted to say how sorry I was for your loss and to let you know I think of you all, the friends and family of adjaw often, and pray you will find peace.

I hope you realize that someone suffering such deep depression is actually unable to realistically see his effect on others, and that adjaw probably saw no other option to relieve his pain other than by not being here. I am sure he had no idea of the depth of pain his death would cause - that's part of the insidious nature of depression in that it dampens your feelings to such a level that rational thought becomes impossible. It is a terrible tragedy.

But you seem like a very kind friend who I am sure made his life better and whose friendship he obviously valued. I am sure you and his other friends made his torment a little easier.

I know you said the spiritual side is out - I would not insult you by assuming anything about you personally but I hope you will know it is always an option for you - He is always available to you.

If it would help, consider sharing what adjaw was like prior to the past few weeks. Maybe those stories could help you come to accept his loss and start filling the emptiness with memories of happier times.

Counselors and support groups are wonderful resources for situations such as this - you don't have to make a long term committment, and you might gain insight.

With warmest regards..... Belle

[ArkiStan]

Cardiff Giant. Google it. Hoax's are meant to be elaborate.

Well, although that would piss many off here, I guess it would be a more fortunate ending than having somebody die. Obby, care to PM me what you're thinking?

[blueindian]

Well, although that would piss many off here, I guess it would be a more fortunate ending than having somebody die. Obby, care to PM me what you're thinking?


yah, me too plz.

[PoorAvatar]

When I saw this post started, I started getting the same feeling. If you don't mind, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this too.

[zero2dash]

Ok basically in a nutshell I think everyone here is being hoaxed. I will not put my reasons in this column. If you want to know why I think-please pm me. Thanks.

:rolleyes:
I faked who I am.
I'm not really human.
I'm really a cat.
Meow.

/sarcasm
Give me a f'n break. :shifty:

[Grimm]

:rolleyes:
I faked who I am.
I'm not really human.
I'm really a cat.
Meow.

/sarcasm
Give me a f'n break. :shifty:
I'm not falling for that. You aren't nearly evil enough to be a cat.:hmm:

[zero2dash]

I'm not falling for that. You aren't nearly evil enough to be a cat.:hmm:

:heh:
I also fake being nice. :P

[PoorAvatar]

Interesting that there have been no further posts from John's/adjaw's friends... hmmm

[eSDee]

Interesting that there have been no further posts from John's/adjaw's friends... hmmm

What's so interesting about that? That they don't want to come back here and relive their pain, in front of people who don't even believe that their friend died? Let it go. I have heard the conspiracy theories and they are ridiculous. You don't have to believe but stop trying to open wounds that are barely healing.

[Estee]

It is rather interesting, but I guess you wouldn't expect for his friends to post on this forum forever..

[Antonietta6]

Johnsfriend
I thought I was moving on and I was wrong. I was at the memorial mass today. It opened up the wound once again. I wish I would have known who you were so I could have gone up to you. I didn't have enough strength to approach his brothers or family. I wouldn't have made any sense while talking with all the thoughts crossing my mind and trying not to cry. It took so much out of me to hold back my tears and pretend it wasn't real. I was doing good until the end when we said our final goodbyes to Johns urn. That's when I lost it and couldn't stop crying. I was sitting behind Mary, needless to say, I didn't know it was her but I figured it out when someone said her name. I thought I would feel so much anger and hate for her but I honestly felt bad for her.
The other day at work, we were doing inventory and I wanted to sit down. I turned towards John's desk and was about to grab his chair but I stopped myself. In my mind, I said "No that's Johns chair" so I grabbed a different one. John may have not been there physically but he was there mentally and that chair was reserved for him. Honestly, I don't think I seen anyone sit there the whole week of inventory.
I go out to smoke and when a United or American plane fly overhead (we're about 1 block away from o'hare airport so there are a lot of planes) I think of John making fun of me. I would always confuse the 2 airlines and call out the wrong airline name. (It was a game I played to kill time) I can still hear his laughter and the silly things he would say to me about always confusing the 2. He actually would play the game with me if I couldnt see that far to make out the plane.
I miss John. I miss him a lot.
Somehow I had put a block on my feelings. I'm supposed to be feeling sad, angry, upset, lonely, happy, excited... so many feelings attached to so many things going on in my life. I have not felt any of my feelings until today. I, for the first time in 3 weeks, felt sad, pain, emptyness and upset all in that one hour. So many things have changed since the week after Christmas until the 1st week of this year, I didn't know how to handle any of my feelings. So I just didn't feel. This is supposed to be the most happy and exciting time for me.... getting engaged, planning for my wedding in July '06, buying a beautiful house in KS, packing & moving, etc etc etc..... but for every positive thing happening in my life, there's a negative to crush my spirits. Most of my friends at work have already been layed off (including my best guy friend who refused to speak to me since Dec 27th... so I lost 2 great friends in 1 week), losing John, my fiance is moving to KS in 1 week and I don't know when I will be able to see him again, I don't know when I am getting layed off... there is just tooooo many things to handle all at once.

I had written you and email a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure if you received it considering I'm new to the site and hopefully I did it right. Please feel free to call me. If you would like my #, please contact me or talk to me through email if you feel more comfortable that way. I would like to talk to you.

Thanks for listening
Antonietta


For those who do not believe, please private message me your theory.

And to answer as to why John's friends haven't been on this site, well, I can only speak for myself but I pulled away from this site because I was becoming obsessed with reading this over and over and over. I had a very hard time believing it was true until I found his obituary. To me, John was still alive and was just on vacation. I have not had a good nights sleep in at least 4 weeks. I would cry myself to sleep so many nights. I have cried with friends at work, my manager, my fiance, my mom, my cousins. I would and do still blame myself for not being able to help him more. He helped me so much and I feel I wasn't there enough for him. I kick myself in the ass for not calling him on new years eve to see if he was ok. John pulled away from everyone at work to the point that he wouldn't even say hi to ANYONE even though they would say hi to him. I should have emailed him more while we were working. He and I would email each other everyday for months! We would go to smoke and lunch breaks everyday together.... so if you can't seem to understand why I needed to pull away from all going on, then I don't know what to tell you. I know John is no longer physically here but I can not seem to bring myself to delete his # from my cell phone. I can not drive in my fiances car because that was Johns car. I have people from work asking me so many questions about John all the time. I do not mind that they come to me, but it all has been overwhelming. He is greatly missed by all. I have not lost a friend like how I lost John.... and I regret not trying harder to help him. You just don't think people slip that far into depression. You think "No, it will never happen to any of my friends".... but the reality of it all is that it happens. I will never forget John and I thank God for letting me have the opportunity to have been friends with such a wonderful person.

Rest in peace John.... I hope that wherever you are, you are the happiest person.

For anyone who has suicidal thoughts or knows anyone who is in bad shape, please, try to help them as much as possible. Get help! Don't think for one second that you can't make a difference. They don't realize the pain and suffering that they leave behind with loved ones.

I'm sorry this entry is so long. It's just been built up inside and I needed to let it out.

Antonietta

[zero2dash]

Interesting that there have been no further posts from John's/adjaw's friends... hmmm

These people do have other lives; lives of their own.
Secondly they're still all probably grieving which takes up even more of their time.
Perhaps they don't have the time to entertain a bunch of people they don't know on the internet, hmm? :shifty:

Give me a break with this conspiracy theory BS, people...

[doolittle]

Everytime someone I know passes it hits me pretty hard, I allways question my own mortality and purpose in life.
sorry to hear of your loss.

[ArkiStan]

Whether or not it's a hoax, and whoever it is that's dead, bottom line is that things SUCK. But let's look at the bright side. At least the thread is in the proper forum. Why don't we let the poor guy as well as this thread rest in peace and all move on. I would suggest the same for friends of adjaw.

[attgig]

Hey all. I'm adjaw's friend and am having a really tough time moving on. I have been through losses before, close family and others, but this one is really hard. Some of the happiest times in my life were with him and though I have had many close friends, he was the last one. Every one I've met in the last 20+ years has been only an acquaintance. Not to say they weren't good people, just that due to age or circumstance or whatever, I don't make friends anymore. Since adjaw is gone I not only have a hole in my heart, but truly have lost a part of myself. I have spoken with many who knew him and they have been helpful but I still carry an empty feeling with me throughout my day. It's not that I'm crying and despondent all the time, just blank, empty, lost. I have a wonderful wife who has been very supportive and understanding of my loss but my relationship with her has always been one where I was the strong one, even though I am not an emotionally strong person. I cannot turn to her for this kind of help. Also, I am not a spiritual person so that option is out. I have always learned a lot about myself by talking rather than thinking so I thought I would come here and ramble a bit. I hope you all don't mind.

hey j'sf. i'm just going to encourage you to don't stop yourself from leaning on your wife because you haven't done it before. don't be afraid to explore a spiritual comfort just because you haven't done that before.
it might feel strange at first, but strong men have found comfort in their wives before. unspiritual people have found peace in spirituality before. if it gets too hard just to write or think, don't stop yourself from finding peace in ways you haven't found before.

[Houdini]

Wow. I missed the whole original thread. Sorry guys. Not that anything I could have said over the board would have helped, but maybe over PM I could have given him some suggestions. This really was a tragedy. I've been hit pretty hard by breakups before, and have suffered through my share of depressions, but I've never felt suicidal, though many of my friends and patients have, and many of the latter have gone through with it.

And Obby, if you don't mind, could you PM me your theory? I hope to God it is a hoax, but it doesn't sound like one.

At any rate, I'm sorry for missing the original thread. As a physician and pshrink, perhaps I could have done something.

[eSDee]

I would suggest if anyone else wants to hear Obby's conspiracy theory to ask her via PM and not post it here.

[oblongmelon]

I would suggest if anyone else wants to hear Obby's conspiracy theory to ask her via PM and not post it here.

Thank you eSDee-but I'm sure everyone can read..you know, the part where I put that if they wanted my opinion, to pm me..*g*..even you(--> :hmm: ) pm'd me..which makes me wonder to myself that if you completely believed this soap opera as it unfolded, you wouldn't have bothered to question why I felt it was a load of bull..hmmm..

oh, and yeh, have a nice day.

[LPMiller]

well, that was unnecessary.

[kgsilvas]

well, that was unnecessary.
Not really. eSDeeLoco's post bugged me too.

G|A'ers should feel free to post their thoughts, as long as they don't violate G|A rules. Just because eSDeeLoco doesn't agree, that doesn't mean people can't post on this topic. oblongmelon DID post that we should PM if we wanted details, so eSDeeLoco's post was basically unnecessary and sounded a bit "censor-ish".

[LPMiller]

No, eSD's post makes sense. If this is a real event, then constantly posting "I'm going to PM you, obby!" is rude and insensitive. If it is a fake event, constantly posting "I'm going to PM you, Obby!" is essentially neffing. I didn't see anything rude about eSD's post at all.

[kgsilvas]

I never used the word rude. Guess everyone is entitled to their opinion on the appropriateness of posts.

[oblongmelon]

I can't believe there is even an arguement over this. :rolleyes:

[oblongmelon]

well, that was unnecessary.

well, actually it WAS necessary. Funny, but I've seen tons of posts around here where people say-PM ME over and over again..and no snippy comments were ever made about those... I guess the difference here is..that MANY MANY people HAVE pm'd me regarding this lame adjaw drama, and most of them agree that this story is completely full of holes..and not once did I EVER STATE that I was going to post my thoughts on the subject here..which I could easily done early on and avoided mass pm's I got (and responded too each one)..but I saved myself the trouble of being flamed by people who cannot obviously figure out that they are being scammed..if anything was unnecessary, it was esDee's comment, and you jumping in to add your two cents.

[eSDee]

Thank you eSDee-but I'm sure everyone can read..you know, the part where I put that if they wanted my opinion, to pm me..*g*..even you(--> :hmm: ) pm'd me..which makes me wonder to myself that if you completely believed this soap opera as it unfolded, you wouldn't have bothered to question why I felt it was a load of bull..hmmm..

oh, and yeh, have a nice day.

Never mind. I am giving myself a timeout.

[LPMiller]

well, actually it WAS necessary. Funny, but I've seen tons of posts around here where people say-PM ME over and over again..and no snippy comments were ever made about those... I guess the difference here is..that MANY MANY people HAVE pm'd me regarding this lame adjaw drama, and most of them agree that this story is completely full of holes..and not once did I EVER STATE that I was going to post my thoughts on the subject here..which I could easily done early on and avoided mass pm's I got (and responded too each one)..but I saved myself the trouble of being flamed by people who cannot obviously figure out that they are being scammed..if anything was unnecessary, it was esDee's comment, and you jumping in to add your two cents.


Sorrry Obby, but no. Esde is trying to move things offline to avoid a confrontation between two sides, and you go right ahead and get pissy and have a little fit anyway. And now you continue to do it. Let it go.

[oblongmelon]

Sorrry Obby, but no. Esde is trying to move things offline to avoid a confrontation between two sides, and you go right ahead and get pissy and have a little fit anyway. And now you continue to do it. Let it go.

Um yeh, I posted ONCE in this entire thread prior to esDee's comment. And it's like this..EsDee pm'd me for my opinion..I gave it to him. He doesn't agree with me and that's fine.But for him to keep the thread bumped by making rude comments about me is uncalled for. And to be honest this isn't really a battle that needs to be fought-but you're turning it into one.

[DarkFury]

Honestly I see both sides and both have their points...

But seriously, this thread needs to "Rest In Peace" now. It's time to toss some flowers on it and put it to rest.

And that's all I'll say on it. :2far:

[Got Apex Moderator]

DarkFury is correct. This thread is closed now for baiting and going off topic of the intent of the thread. If you want to argue about the validity of it all, please start a new thread. Thank you. --Got Apex Moderator