RoniMan

why don't we ever have tabloid news?

[so i married an axe murderer]
May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.

Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.

well...here's a "fact" provided by the Weekly World News

Haiti Selling Off Zombies
Tuesday March 30, 2004

Psst . . . wanna buy a zombie? You can pick up some great deals on the undead from the Haitian government, which is trying to unload thousands of the walking corpses -- at less per head than you'd pay for a decent TV.

"Imagine having your very own slave who will mindlessly obey you, no matter what you order him or her to do," says a government spokesman.

"A zombie will work all day and all night if you want him to, everything from farm labor to house cleaning, and all you have to feed him is oat mush."

Haitian officials say they're turning to sales of the undead to relieve the critical over-supply of zombies, which is dragging down their failing economy even further. Haiti's upper- and middle- class population has shrunk to almost nothing, leaving hundreds of zombie servants unoccupied.

Meanwhile, voodoo priests continue to add to the zombie population, despite the glut of ghouls.

"The people are bitter and angry about their poverty, and they take it out on their neighbors by having them turned into zombies at the slightest provocation," says Haitian economist and social critic Alain Jean-David. "The surplus is running into the thousands -- I've seen estimates that it's as high as 12 percent of the population. The government is desperate to be rid of them before they start running amok."

Zombie prices start at a dirt-cheap $100, but for the next three months you can get an even deeper discount: Buy one, get one free.

Each zombie comes in its own packing crate with a certificate of authenticity enclosed. Instructions for care and feeding are included.

"The most important thing is to not give the zombie salt," says one expert. "It makes them totally uncontrollable, and they can become dangerous."

He also recommends keeping the zombie in a warm location at about 75 percent humidity, to approximate the climate it has grown used to in Haiti.

Low lighting is also recommended. "Zombies work best after twilight, under cover of darkness," he says, "although they can function adequately with filtered light. If you have a zombie housemaid, I'd suggest lowering the shades while she's at work. For gardeners or other outdoor laborers, be sure they are covered well with a hat and long sleeves and pants.

"No sunscreen, though -- unless you want their flesh melting off in your hands."

The government spokesman says zombies can be returned "no questions asked" within 30 days for a full refund, but zombie experts expect few returns.

"Zombies work extremely hard for little reward except a secure place to rest and their bowl of mush," says one. "Many zombies have been beloved family servants for generations, and have become almost like family."

That's how the Chevaliers feel about their zombie governess, Marie- Claire, whom they are turning over to the government for sale after more than 50 years' service.

"She raised me, she raised my children, and now she is raising my grandchildren," says Bertrand Chevalier, who has lost his family's plantation during Haiti's economic struggles. "We held on as long as we could, but we can hold on no longer. We are leaving our beloved country, and we hope that the government can find Marie- Claire a suitable position elsewhere.

"Our only hope is that her new master will care for her half as well as she has cared for us."