Agent Plissken

Anyone see the CS:S april fools automatic update? I cant copy paste it, but some highlights follow:

Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect is cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
Cut price of AWP by 50%
Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu
Removed de_dust from mapcycle

and many other humorous lies...
load up steam and check it out.

__________________
Dyin' ain't much of a living, boy

Memo

Features/Additions
Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect to cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
Cut price of AWP by 50%.
Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu.
Removed de_dust from mapcycle.
Realism Enhancements:

Knives:
Between rounds, it is suggested that you unsheath the weapon and repeatedly press the attack key to air it out as the leather now collects moisture and creates pits on the blade, making it less effective in the next round.

Shotguns:
1. Firing the shotgun without ammo loaded will now cause it to jam.
2. When the shotgun jams, press F2 to fill out form DA-1823-00/A12-H8.
3. You should then hear a scribbling sound. When it stops, press F3 to send the request to LIDM.
4. Failure to do paperwork before pressing F3 will result in the immediate return of the unrepaired shotgun.
5. The repairs can take 1-2 rounds for completion. During that time, you cannot purchase a replacement firearm and may only use your sidearm or knife.

Player Models:
Several models now feature eyewear. This is a completely cosmetic enhancement with the following exceptions:

Part EP-7829-292-2 must be purchased and worn correctly at all times in order to see during the round.

In between rounds, you may purchase and use part EC-2231-833-H34 to clean your EP-7829-292-2. Note: that this does not clean the eyewear itself!

To clean the eyewear, you need to purchase and use the designated cleaner, EC-2231-233-H34, EC-2231-523-H34, or EC-2231-239-H34a respectively depending on your model's eyewear. You can determine the part # of the correct cleaner by asking someone.

Machine and submachine guns:

At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.

Your Preventative Maintenance Status (either "cleaning" or "lubricating") is determined by the speed with which you press the F1 key and will be displayed above your head.

To accurately simulate real life maintenance mistakes, pressing F1 too quickly will lubricate either the bolt face or the trunnion block. Pressing F1 too slowly sprays lubricant directly into the buffer tube. All mistakes render the gun inoperable, though this may not become immediately apparent.

Experiment with keypress timing to avoid (and discover!) other common maintenance errors.

In order to balance the improved stopping power of a well-maintained weapon, the reloading process has been made much less reliable.

When reloading, you should listen for two or three distinct clicks over a period of several seconds.

If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.


Features/Additions
Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect to cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
Cut price of AWP by 50%.
Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu.
Removed de_dust from mapcycle.
Realism Enhancements:

Knives:
Between rounds, it is suggested that you unsheath the weapon and repeatedly press the attack key to air it out as the leather now collects moisture and creates pits on the blade, making it less effective in the next round.

Shotguns:
1. Firing the shotgun without ammo loaded will now cause it to jam.
2. When the shotgun jams, press F2 to fill out form DA-1823-00/A12-H8.
3. You should then hear a scribbling sound. When it stops, press F3 to send the request to LIDM.
4. Failure to do paperwork before pressing F3 will result in the immediate return of the unrepaired shotgun.
5. The repairs can take 1-2 rounds for completion. During that time, you cannot purchase a replacement firearm and may only use your sidearm or knife.

Player Models:
Several models now feature eyewear. This is a completely cosmetic enhancement with the following exceptions:

Part EP-7829-292-2 must be purchased and worn correctly at all times in order to see during the round.

In between rounds, you may purchase and use part EC-2231-833-H34 to clean your EP-7829-292-2. Note: that this does not clean the eyewear itself!

To clean the eyewear, you need to purchase and use the designated cleaner, EC-2231-233-H34, EC-2231-523-H34, or EC-2231-239-H34a respectively depending on your model's eyewear. You can determine the part # of the correct cleaner by asking someone.

Machine and submachine guns:

At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.

Your Preventative Maintenance Status (either "cleaning" or "lubricating") is determined by the speed with which you press the F1 key and will be displayed above your head.

To accurately simulate real life maintenance mistakes, pressing F1 too quickly will lubricate either the bolt face or the trunnion block. Pressing F1 too slowly sprays lubricant directly into the buffer tube. All mistakes render the gun inoperable, though this may not become immediately apparent.

Experiment with keypress timing to avoid (and discover!) other common maintenance errors.

In order to balance the improved stopping power of a well-maintained weapon, the reloading process has been made much less reliable.

When reloading, you should listen for two or three distinct clicks over a period of several seconds.

If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.

Agent Plissken

Yep, thats it

yippiekiyeh

Ha Ha~! Too Funny! Too bad you couldn't get a screen shot.

__________________
Distributed.Net
I'm Trying this blogger thang...

Agent Plissken

I was going to but it wouldnt fit on one screen because it was really long. The funny part is someone was asking around when I was playing why the new update hadnt been implemeted yet!

Memo

I got most of it capped, but it was too long for the rest: