adjaw

After a pleasant week filled with some good times, my fiancee came home from work Sunday and said that when she is away she cannot help but think of the problems that we have had in our relationship. She then moved out. I love her more than anything and am still trying to work things out. She hasn't been very receptive the past couple days, asking me to not visit her at her work or home. I have asked her if she would consider dating me again, like earlier in our relationship....she said she would think about it. I am a complete wreck.

avlena

that sucks well, i know it's not much comfort, but at least she recognized now that she had doubts, as opposed to after the wedding. did she at least tell you what problems you had in the relationship, so you could work on them?

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mcs328

Well that sucks. I and I'm sure you are wondering wth happened all of the sudden.

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adjaw

Yes we did discuss them, and yes we were working on them last week. We had great communication and good times together. She even told me that she saw a great improvement. And then Sunday without warning she just came home and told me she is moving out.

Lolita

Wow, that's awful. I'm sorry to hear that.
Something must have happened for her to make such a rash decision without talking it out first...

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DarkFury

Wow... a "second chance".... to run like hell...

(I know it hurts, but honestly, it might be for the better if things weren't going right... Better to know now than later.... trust me. )

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Grimm

If she is unwilling to discuss the problems I would guess she has already found another solution...
So, where is she moving to?

adjaw

Back in with her parents. I still want to be with her. I love her more than anything.

Grimm

Did her parents disaprove?

gpsgurl

I'd have to agree with the advice to let her go. It's the only thing you really can do. People can't always be as honest as they should be and until they get to that point it's pretty hard to have a good relationship.

Dating her might work, but you should also date other people so all your eggs aren't in that one basket. It'll help you get perspective on what you really need from her.

I've wasted too many years (and I mean YEARS) of my life waiting for people and chasing after them. I made it too easy on them and they kept me around. All for nothing and in the long run I realized they weren't right for me either. We grow, we change. If we waste our time chasing someone, we tend to forget to grow and what's the point of that then?

mcs328

Welcome to the forums!! I think the last sentence is important since I've made that mistake way back when. Since then I aspired to become a better person for my own sake not to fit some mold someone else wants.

How old are you and what's the age difference? If you're under 22-ish I'd say try again one time after a week then move on. You're too young to put up with long drawn out drama and like gpsgurl said you can end up wasting years of your life. If you're over 25 and you've been dating/engaged a while then try at least 3 times spread out over a few weeks so you both have time to think it through. Could be cold feet? The pickings are slim as you get older.

angl2b

what made her suddenly make such a move without talking it out?? I can't help but wonder if something happened.

I am sorry that it happened to you. Letting go is always hardest. But sometimes it is good to hold out and wait too - just know that either way - be prepared for the worst.

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adjaw

I know I'll get reamed when I say this, but there is a 20 year age difference.
This started months back when she became friends with someone from a job she no longer works at. He was interested in her romantically, but she said no. I was never told about him. One day about six weeks ago I grabbed her cell phone to get numbers of her friends to invite them to a surprise birthday party I was planning next week as a matter of fact. I saw text messages with this guy giving directions to our house for the next morning. When I came home I asked her what she did that day, and she said doctors appt., school, then work. I let it go for a few days then couldnt take it anymore so I told her. At first she denied doing anything, then finally after much badgering she admitted he came over that morning, only because she wanted to show him our new place, then they both ran to the grocery store. After that my suspicions got the best of me and I checked her calls made/received on the phone. They talked alot. Everytime I cornered her about talking to him she lied and lied, then admitted. She said she lied to hide it and not make me angry. Which would make me more suspicious, and the cycle snowballed. On two occasions she said she would not talk or see him anymore. More lies. It continued. Unfortunately I always managed to bring up the situations where she lied and situations with him because it was so pressing on my mind. This depressed her. She was going to counseling for the lying and deceit. But recently I found out she hasn't been to a session for quite awhile. We agreed to give each other the best effort we could last week, and it was actually wonderful. We communicated great, loved each other, did new things together. I showed her I could let go of the suspicion. Unfortunately I very recently discoverd she lied about going to some of her classes, and lied about going to counseling during that week. Anyway, back to the great week, this past Sunday we had a great morning, and then she went to work, when she returned, she told me that when she was away she couldn't help but think of the bad times and that I would somehow always be suspicious of her, and she moved out. I want to continue dating, she said she will think about it. Late late last night I called her and woke her up and while talking, I asked her what she did that night. She told me she had dinner with her family, and opened presents for her brother's birthday. I asked her if she saw "him" last night. She said absolutely not. But I DO know he was there at her house until late.
I just wish she would be honest with me, I've told her it would make this very easy if she told me she had romantic feelings for him. But she adamantly denies having any feelings for him. She says they are just friends. If she didn't want to see me anymore why wouldn't she just say they are seeing each other? For some strange stupid reason I still believe her, and I still want to be with her. I am a complete wreck everyday here at work, and all night at home.

I really do truly love her, and I thought she would be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with.

angl2b

First off - my heart goes out to you. I am truly sorry to hear this is happening to you and that she has done this.

Second - 20 years difference is a pretty big difference - I am guessing you are the older one and she is the younger one?

Okay - This is purely my opinion only when I type the rest out.

I truly think that even if you love her - all those lies and deceit she has been doing can't possibly a good indicator for a happy marriage. Especially if it is more than one occassion and over a guy. Right there sends a lot of warning bells. Despite the love you feel and harbor for her - she obviously feels guilt. The guilt of knowing you love her and that you will be hurt and the guilt led to the lies. She needs to be able to just open up and forget about the guilt and tell the truth something that she is not ready for. The breaking off the engagement and taking time off is just a way for her to ease her conscious. If you two are technically not together anymore and she gives it time then confesses to you she has feelings for the other guy and the whole sob story (I am purely assuming) that she couldn't help it - it just happened - she can't but feel that way and end it for good with her concious in tact. The sad thing is in my eyes - if she was seeing a guy behind your back and lying and if everything was innocent then honestly she should have no reason to ever lie in the first place (unless you are an abusive person she is just scared of) - so in my eyes I feel like she was cheating on you (then again a lot of people would probably think that I am being extreme).
I think it is going to be a long healing process and easier said then done to just walk away from all of this and start anew. It's going to take a lot of time and support from friends and family. In the long run I think if you two got married and this continued - I can't imagine it to be a happy ending.
Like I said this is purely my opinion - so please don't stone me to death for it.

adjaw

Thank you for your words.
In the back of my mind I do have random thoughts that she does have feelings for this guy. Although I still believe her when she says there is nothing going on. She actually called me this morning on her way to school, and said IF we started dating again it would be with no commitments....just like when we started. She said if other opportunities open up and she wants to persue them, she will. When she said that my heart dropped again. It hurt so much.
I really do not know if she can be totally honest with me again. For most people that would be enough to wash their hands of the relationship. But, me being dense, and totally in love with her still, I want to try.


She is a huge Harry Potter fan, and is going to the midnight opening of the movie tomorrow night. Last week she reserved 8 tickets for her friends and us. I asked her this morning if I could still share something important to her like the Harry Potter movie. She told me no, she and I would be tense throught the movie. I asked her if "he" was going. She said she did ask him, but he didn't say yes or no. Again, my heart dropped knowing that she asked him instead of me.

angl2b

it is a natural feeling to want to give it your all especially if you are in love. After all that's the best part of love through thick and thin and all that lovey dovey feeling. But on the other hand - can you live with that thought gnawing at you for the rest of your lives? She obviously is trying to keep you until someone better comes a long... after all she isn't going to not jump at the opportunity if it presents itself - isn't that what she said? I think as hard as it is to let go - it is the hardest thing to do when it comes to love. All that energy, time, emotions devoted to one person - suddenly taken away. But time does heal the hurt as cliche as it sounds.

brainsmile

Cut the cord man.

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Cubsfan

Not sure this means, but make sure that you don't hang around her house all the time or anything. That's not going to make her feel any differently.

DarkFury

Man... from the sounds of the full story above.... it sounds as if that fish is cooked...

Honestly, spare yourself even more pain and just move on... It really doesn't look like any good is gonna come of this.

mcs328

Oh snap! I can gloss over the 20 years difference so I'm not really going to ream you over this one if she's over 18 but the constant lying? C'mon man...friends are friends but look at the drama she has to do to cover it up. You can't escape the feeling and I'm sure she can't take the stress of worrying what she should do to cover it up. If it were me, I drop her.

On the other hand and I don't mean to sound insulting and I'm a jerk for even saying it, you ain't getting any younger and the pool on available females in your age range steadily decreases. So I can see the...hmm...what's the word...fascination?...pros?...of trying to get back with someone who is 2 decades younger than you are because she can me mentally at your age level so you mesh very well together. However the lying stuff...that's so high school/college maturity...do you really want that drama?

adjaw

I thought she was the one.....we really did mesh well together on many many things. I am willing to forget the past, but from what she says, she cannot.

zero2dash

I've dealt with a woman that wrecked my life before so I can somewhat relate to your problem. Unfortunately, my answer is not good news.

Move on...seriously. It hurts to be without her but you'll get over her and find someone else that won't lie to you and won't mess around with your mind, heart, and emotions. Whether or not she actually cheated is beside the point; she's clearly lied to you on numerous occasions and that's definitely not a good thing - I wouldn't trust her at all at this point because she's lied so much. She sounds like she doesn't know what to do and/or can't make up her mind who she wants or what she wants, so if you sit around waiting for her you may end up being "passed on" and then you will have just wasted all of your time.

There's good women out there; it's hard to believe in this day and age but there are good people out there (both men and women). Don't go nuts and go lookin' for a girl while you're on the rebound though 'cause you'll probably end up with even more problems. Take a break...spend some time with your guy friends and get your mind off of this mess. Go out, watch ESPN at the bar, have a shot...whatever. Do whatever it takes to make the time fly by and help keep your mind off her and before you know it, everything will be ok. But I definitely think you need a break to let yourself love yourself again and not depend on someone else. And I definitely think (again) that you should leave her by the wayside and just move on. Again, she's lied several times to you so I'd take every word out of her mouth as a spoonful of BS. If she hasn't cheated on you already, well I can almost guarantee you that she won't be faithful in the future if she's (possibly) screwing around with someone else behind your back.

My motto is - only people who do "bad" things keep secrets. She lied to you about him because (obviously) she didn't want you to find out what she was doing, and from that you can take into consideration that she was probably up to no good and (obviously) doing things she didn't want you to see or find out about. I myself would consider it cheating (just based off her lies + the speculation of it all) and the rule stands true - once a cheater, always a cheater.

I wish you the best of luck & hope that you have a speedy "healing/recovery".

angl2b

takes two to make a successful relationship - takes one to destroy it all.
You can cry, beg, change your ways, crawl your way back to her, trust her blindly, hand over your heart with a knife stabbed in it to her and she can very well take it. But in the end is that what you want?
Given all that we have said and the things you have written I see only one big problem - the same problem that all those have been in love and hurt type problem. The letting go and facing the reality that maybe just maybe the love died a while ago and it may just have been a temporary thing. We all (I think) have been there - love a person so much that it hurts - the thought mere thought of losing the person crumbles us - but when the person is deceiving us and we are blindly accepting it - that's like a man abusing his wife and the wife stays and the reason simply is - I love him. If we think the woman is crazy for not leaving the husband - and cut her losses in that situation. Why would we think any less when its an emotional deceit/abuse you are accepting?

zero2dash

I wanted to add (to what I said and what angl2b said) -
the girl I messed around with (or, rather I should say "wasted my time with") was an ex I was steady with while a teenager. I've known the girl for 12 years (I'm 27 now, I met her when I was 15). We dated for about 3 yrs off and on, but remained friends after the last break up.

I wanted her back so bad that I spent as much time with her as possible even though I was only a "friend" and she treated me like I was "a little more" than that...she talked about guys she had slept with the day before, etc. all kinds of messed up stuff, to me - her ex but now "just a friend". I kept coming around and spending time with her and let her know all the time that I wanted to be with her and she always said "no" but acted like I was her 'part time boyfriend'; when it was convenient for her, I was her bf, but whenever I wanted the feelings/emotion attached to that title, she gave me the cold shoulder. While I hung out with this girl, she had ruined several of my relationships because she always acted like we'd get back together, so I'd break up with my current gf at the time and go back to her, only to get screwed around with again.

She turned me down time after time, and eventually I got sick of it and started distancing myself from her. She'd screw up and piss me off, and 6 months would pass and I wouldn't talk to her. This happened about 3 times, and each time it happened, more time would pass that I wouldn't talk to her. (First it was 6 mos, then 9 mos, then a year) At one point she even told me that my ex gf Valerie sounded sweet and "I oughta give her a call". After the last straw, I sent her an email and told her off. I said everything I had bottled up inside of me and ripped her a new one and told her how much she hurt me and how much I now hated her and didn't want anything to do with her.

4 years later -
I've been married to Valerie for 1 yr, we've been a couple for 3 years, and (on Dec. 4) our daughter Chloe turns 1. Valerie gave me faith in women again; she treats me like a god (and I in turn treat her like my goddess). I always thought I was in love with Christina (stupid ex I talked about above), but when Valerie and I got together again, I fell in love with her and it was different this time around; the "love" was much more powerful and I knew that this was truly love and what I had felt for Christina before was either puppy love or just BS emotions. I think about Christina every once in awhile just because I hope she's doing ok, but I haven't talked to her since I sent her that email a little more than 4 yrs ago. I know she regrets letting me go and I hope she enjoyed her wakeup call when I went off on her since she always told me that no matter what happened she knew I'd marry her and always come back to her...heh heh heh don't think so. I find great happiness in the fact that she pushed me away and even recommended I go back into Valerie's loving arms...which is what I did and I've never looked back since, and now Christina will never get the chance to have me by her side again.

*****

I guarantee you that you will find someone who will treat you just as good. Keep your head up and straighten your own life/heart out, and the perfect person will come along soon enough. Don't settle for any less (ie by going back to this girl).

adjaw

I wish I could actually get away and do some of those things. Another part of this ordeal is that we moved together into a new place a few months ago. And along with that came a much higher rent. We purchased all new furniture for all the rooms, new electronic equipment including a big flat screen. Also earlier this year I purchased a new car. So before I even buy gas for my car or food for me, with just the aforementioned bills and incidental bills, I am about $400 in the hole each month. Unfortunately I have no computer at home anymore, I sold mine when we moved in together because she just got a brand new system, so I'll have to replace that. I'm looking for a part-time job, and also looking to sell some things. Probably also cashing in a life insurance policy I have, and a relatively small 401K from an old job.
So as far as going out and kicking back at the bar.....not gonna happen.

angl2b

was it completely under your name for everything? The new system for the computer - who purchased it? If you did - get it back from her - the ring too. As harsh as it sounds - I know you love her - but take it all back. All your furniture and everything bought together - if she has her name on anything with you - make her pay HALF. Regardless if she is using it or not - not your problem. Your problem is the debt she has helped you acrewed.

zero2dash

I would definitely sell a lot of those things, not only for the fact that you don't have the money to afford them on your own, but also for the fact that they'll only remind you of her (which will make the whole ordeal that much harder to get through/over with). If you can get out of the lease, do so; I'd immediately tell the landlord/leasing office that she left you and you'll struggle with the rent money and they might give you a break. If you have to break the lease and pay a fine, do it - it'll still save you money in the long run.

Even if you don't go out to a bar per se, spend time with friends who will support you and help you 'center' your life again. You need positive reinforcement and good times, not times alone to think about her and be sad.

edit like angel said, get the engagement ring back and sell it. I watch enough Judge Judy (with my wife ) to know that an engagement ring is the property of the man, by law, until the couple is married...if the relationship ends prior to the marriage, then the engagement ring is to be returned to the man *by law* immediately. Sell the ring and use those funds either to help yourself out of the hole or for moving costs.

adjaw

The computer was hers, she got it as a gift right before we moved in together. She took that and her personal belongings. That's all. Everything else is in my name. I had the 830 credit rating. She didn't have any established credit, so yes, everything was in my name. As far as the ring, she did leave that, and I know that you get roughly a little less than half of what you originally paid for it when you resell it....if you're lucky.

angl2b

you know I think your reaction is probably - if you got her the ring there's a lot of sentiments attached to it - after all you love her therefore you picked out the ring that would represent your future so to speak together. but sentiments aside - reality is and as hard as it is to swallow - you need the money - not that you care any less for her - but you need the money - financially you are strapped - in the hole according to you - so you need to sell it. Unless she is giving you the money to pay for the ring in full - cash - sell it. Is the ring even paid off???

cheapie

dude....there is no way this is going to work out. she's continuing to lie because she doesn't want to come out and hurt you with the truth. but she doesn't like you enough to stop seeing that guy....or whomever else interests her. this has likely been building and happening for a while and you just now found out.

it totally sounds like she is trying to escape the commitment and isn't ready. jmho of course.

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