Yossarian

I have no clue what set it off, but sunday night I got superdepressed for no reason, no trigger, at all. So I wrote this poem entitled 'Youth'

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The lonely nights
Asleep in bed
Tired from my day
As an 8-year old boy

Waiting for mom
To pull up the driveway
From saving lives
From the rigors of nursing

My jealousy runs deep
She’s not here
I can’t feel
Her loving embrace

Working three-to-eleven
She sees me
While I sleep
Missing my life

She climbs the steps
I hear the creak
My eyes shut tighter
I contradict my thoughts

I want to talk
Enjoy her company
Enjoy an embrace
Instead I “sleep”

I feel her gaze
Her loving touch
She ran away
That gaze is gone

The nights are even more lonely.


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and i'm still depressed, and i don't know why. yes, i know i have issues with my mother. i haven't seen her in 3 years. i haven't gotten a birthday wish or x-mas card in 2. but i realize that she made the decision and removed herself from my life. **** it. no wonder i've got woman problems, i can't even deal with my own mother

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"So cheers all and remember, don't mistake my old age for maturity. Just because I grow old does not mean I grow up. " -Merlin

"Now that your limelight has been sufficently trashed I will leave"- Nija

Each religion has got their own way of making you feel like a victim. The Christians say 'you are a sinner', and you better just zip up your trousers and give the money to the pope and we'll give you a room up in the hotel in the sky.
~Timothy Leary

KIISQueen

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you tried talking to someone?

hope you have a great day

nickel

what an awesome poem. i know when you read something and you feel like you are in the author's shoes that they've really done a good job. i could feel exactly what you were trying to convey.

is there counseling on campus available for you? talking these feelings out will help. i don't blame you for being mixed up when your mother does what she has done.

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*click me*

Maarchk

Was there anything going on at the time you became sad? Do you have any good female friends who you aren't pursuing as girlfriends?
I know i had some issues cause my family was never around and i figured out that for me, i was bummed that i'd be getting great grades and doing good things in my life and no one was ever there to tell me i'd done well and that they were proud of me. It was a bit selfish for me to feel that way but when you are doing and initiating your life on your own and you aren't totally sure whats the right thing or the best thing, its nice to hear someone tell you they are proud of you. So i dont know, just a thought.
Just make sure you get plenty of sunshine and physical activity. Cause moping around indoors usually only contributes to being down.

Good luck.

m-

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"The girl is crafty like ice is cold."

"I left my heart in san francisco... And my liver at Moe's Tavern."

A real friend is one who listens to you as much as they talk to you.

oblongmelon

Yoss..you're old enough to try and make contact with your mother and discuss the issues at hand like adults. I know it's going to be hard, but it might answer alot of your questions. It must suck not having her around, but if she's not into the whole motherhood thing-it would probably be worse for you if she was..why don't you give her a call.

Yossarian

so yeah, it hasn't gone away, in fact its gotten worse.

i find out today, that a girl who i had spent sometime with, before she decided that she didn't want a relationship, as she graduates in 2 weeks, is now dating one of my friends, whom i had told that i had feeleings for her.


thank you to those who have offered your ears

speedracer120

Yoss, shake it off. Those two have shown you with their actions how little they care for you. There are plenty others who you can rely on and trust. Don't let her get in the way of living your life.

__________________
Off in La La Land

cheapie

it's healthy to realize you're depressed and deal with it like you're doing.

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70% of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Bob Sanders

DarkFury

Geez that does suck...

but take it from me... you can get past this. Raise your pimp hand strong there young man... there is another out there for ya.

Don't let one get ya down... As far as the friend goes... well you might have to deal with him on the side.

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Houdini

Any updates? Depression hurts, and a lot of us are concerned. Hell, it's my area of expertise and I've been there personally. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say I hope things are better.

nickel

i think everyone gets "depressed" from time to time, but true depression has specific symptoms like for example, not looking forward to or wanting to engage in activities that you used to enjoy.

Yoss, you need to get together with friends and plan some fun stuff to do even if you have to take the role of planner. which is my role in my circle of friends, but someone's got to do it.
whitewater rafting, hiking, cook-outs, going to festivals, kayaking, canoeing, camping, fishing... you know, fun Summer stuff in the NorthEast.

Yossarian

things are better in some areas. i'm not as depressed anymore, but i'm still down there. summer isn't the best of times for me, as i'm away from all my friends at school. i know i can make new ones and do have a few, but not any that i can hang out with just because. it also means more time with my father, not taht i don't like or get along with him, but our negative waves feed off each other. its always been that way, but its amplified when i'm home for the summer, because i'm gone for 9 months out of the year (i come home for breaks and MAYBE one other weekend a semester)

as for activities, i don't have the funds to do jack crap. the money i make in sumemr goes to books and my spending money for the whole school year

MJordanash

Try to get your books off of eBay or Barnes and Noble...I noticed they are a lot cheaper.

nickel

you don't need funds to do jack crap.
biking, hiking, fishing, are all relatively inexpensive. you've got to plan at least one really fun thing to do this summer or else it will be a long boring summer for you.

MJordanash

I agree that fishing is a lot of fun and really cheap as well if you already have the basic equipment. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday out on the water and it was free not to mention a nice tan with it.

brainsmile

I love to fish as well. Even if you don't catch anything it's all good

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DCM #1 (Founder)





"Nobody beats Vitus Gerulaitis 18 times in a row." - Vitus Gerulaitis on beating Jimmy Connors after 17 failed attempts.

welfareloser

no excuse for catching nothing. dynamite's legal.



yoss, try to force yourself to get out there and do something fun... even if you're not motivated to plan/get moving, you'll feel better once you do.

and if you can't motivate yourself, make sure you reach out to someone for help... drop a load off your chest onto a friend. and if it gets worse, make an appointment with a doctor. most people want to deny that they need help with depression, don't like the stigma attached to seeking mental health care... you don't have to tell anyone, and the doc is going to be the last person to judge you

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Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life. ~ Leo Buscaglia
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Houdini

And not just b/c I'm a psychiatrist. I've been there, and I have many friends who have been there as well. Modern psychiatry offers a lot despite what Cruise says. The stigma is quickly going away, but not quickly enough. It really wouldn't hurt to see a professional about it, be he/she a psychologist, social worker, or psychiatrist. Talk to a friend too. Tell him/her everything along with any plans you may have to go to a doc. I'm sure you'll get plenty of support.

Also, try to get some exercise. This can be fun as well. Traveling can be kind of laborious when you're depressed, but doing something like fishing, canoeing, kayaking, etc., if you live near any water can cost next to nothing, can get your mind off things, and can provide exercise without boring running or lifting, etc.

A lot of us are worried about you, though. Know that you have our support! Feel free to email me with any questions, etc.

-H

Yossarian

i knows peepes, i knows.

its not like depression is new to me, my parents divored at 12, it was EXTREMELY messy, then my grandparents(with whom i would actually consider my g-ma to be more of my mother) divorced 2 years later, combined with the normal teenage crap, i'm no stranger to it.

when the divorce was still new, i was going to a shrink(i'm to lazy to spell it out, no offence meant) and about 4 months into it i realized how much he was trying to force religion upon me and was actually maknig me feel worse by being sarcastic and short when i said i had to go( i was working as a lifeguard/mowing lawns and often had only an hour for an appointment, he thought it needed to be 2) aso i stopped going. he kinda jaded me to the whole idea. i know it has its merits, and i don't discredit it or look down upon those that go or work it, i just feel that it's not for me.

as for summer fun, imma throw a coupla holes in your plans then show some of my own.

fishing is out, i'm not a big fisher/hunter. i'll go on occasion with dad, but max once a year. exercise i got goin. well, when the weather/work schedule permits. i'm on my feet for 8 hours when working, so the legs are a little tired, but i'm doing a volleyball workout for the legs/quickness, and bball tuesday and thursday nights, if not more pending people at the courts.

i love to go canoeing and stuff, but i won't go alone, saftey reasons, and my dad isn't exactly in shape to do it, but i do understand that there are things i can do.

this weekend i'm going to a friends house for the weekend to partay for memorial day and then later in the summer we're going to the beach(OBX) for a week, and i'm taking along 2 female friends, possibly three(thanks for the lessons DF)

i also appreciate you guys listening, i've been ranting for almost 5 years now, and i know obby's commented on the maturation process. its all her fault, damnit!

DarkFury

BTW Yoss... I meant to ask you...

You said that the "money you make in the Summer, goes to pay expenses for the rest of the year"...

Do you have a Summer job somewhere? Or is this from odd jobs and whatnot? If you don't have a good Summer job, then why not look for a "fun Summer job" like workin' in the mall or something where you can spend your whole summer checkin' out "hawt mall chicks" and whatnot?

I remember doing that myself my Freshman year in College.... it was only taking 2 classes in summer school so I got a "fun job" just to make a little extra cash as well as pass the time during the Summer. Sure as hell beat sittin' at home moping around and whatnot.

Now as far as "suggestions" for other "fun summer jobs"... well... you are a very athletic young man... try lookin' at the local YMCA and seeing if you can help them with youth basketball. That way you can do something you love and help the "kids" improve their game as well. Stuff like that can go a long way to making your Summer "less boring". Or maybe you have a local pool where you can be a "lifeguard" or something... Or maybe a bowling alley, skate park, fun center, or whatever young folks like to hang out to have fun.

C'mon man.. you got it in ya... go on out and "Git 'er done".

Yossarian

i've got a job, 40 hours a week, variable shift schedule. if i could make more, i've had offers to work basketball camps (Keystone Camps with Pete White) but i can make more money, and be closer to home doing other things, i'll only get $250 a week for that, whereas i can get $300 a week with a 10 roundtrip commute. the camps i'd hafta be driving cross-state every two week, 5 hours one way.

i've looked into getting a second job, but the only other things i could reasonably do would have me full-time and i can't do 16 hour days(even as a young buck, i know my limitation, i've still got a volleyball season to keep up for)

Houdini

Sounds like you found the wrong guy. That's it. There are thousands of good M.D. psychiatrists who are trained to be much better therapists use medications than that guy seems to have been. I know nobody in my field around here who forces religion on anyone, nor is sarcastic. That particular shrink may not have been for you, but with all you're going through, I STRONGLY encourage you to go to another one. Depression treatments have grown exponentially in the past few years, and many drugs are almost tailored to people just like you. And they work.

So you have some scheduling problems. We all do at times, especially when you're tired from standing all day. That's not really helping your symptoms though, nor is it necessarily hurting them.


Canoeing is actually pretty safe, but that was just an idea. Something different to change up your routine on weekends, etc.



Have you tried to inventory exactly how the money was spent this past year? Factoring in partying, etc? Not to ride you too much on this, but be honest with yourself.

I know you're low on funds, as you've mentioned, and I know you're going to be partying. So, not to sound too parenty, don't buy or drink any alcohol. I know you've talked about being drunk, etc., before, and alcohol gets expensive. Plus, while it may make you feel a little better for an hour or so, it will only exacerbate your symptoms. Congrats on the decision to hang out with friends, though. Just tell people you can't drink right now. Handle the peer pressure.


Well, to be fair, the drunk stuff, and knowing what college is like, having been there/done that and having gone through the typical college stressors - money, alcohol, etc., I'd have to agree with her. Though I'm still young, I'm a completely different person than I was in college. It's just part of growing up. More money won't necessarily help you now. And to be fair, again, you have admitted to drinking a lot, etc., which isn't always the best way to spend money, and it's easy to end up broke. (Trust me, I bought a lot of rounds at the nightclub where I produce the show, and it can really catch up with you.) It may and will actually make things worse, unless you spend it on a doc and meds. And, again, I'm not saying that b/c I'm a shrink. Check out the student health center. Get referred to another shrink or one there. Zillions of college students are feeling just like you right now, so we're used to dealing with it and helping people. I know you said in your experience it's "not for you," but you have to admit, your experience is VERY limited, with an n=1.

Also, girl problems suck. And they don't get much better as you get older. It just takes time. I know it's bad timing for you, but there's never good timing for that kind of stuff. At any rate, it's another stressor that can be alleviated through therapy and even moreso by proper medication.

PM me, please. I'd rather try to help over PM. And I really don't mind if you want to rant to me. It's what I do, at least part time.

Markel

This is what makes this place so great, IMHO.

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stay low... keep moving...

Yossarian

clear out your inbox, that makes it easier to recieve them....

Houdini

heh...you're right. didn't realize it was full....mostly empty now, so fire away. Though I may not get back to you until tomorrow. Gotta crash now.

Take care,

H

Yossarian

take your time, just telling you to stop being so secretly popular

Yossarian

slight update. this weekend was a blast, got to meet some new people, had a lot of fun. ended up being a topic of conversation the whole weekend(who knew that i still sleep walk?)

all in all, twas good times

DarkFury

Glad to hear that man...

Just remember... there are alot of folks out here who care about ya... and we wouldn't want any "depressing thoughts" make ya do something stupid.

Yossarian

i'm smart enough not to do something stupid. not to say i haven't thought about it in the past, but i also realize that it would hurt those that i love more than my being alive does. and it also is the cheap way out. to me it shows weakness beyond comprehension to do something that stupid. everyone has problems, i'll just deal with them

nickel

It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.
-Henry David Thoreau