Hiro

nt

The Happy Squirrel

IMHO: if everything you siad was 100% on the level nothing played down, exaggerated, of left out then i feel you were used. Thats the way it feel to me. TIs tought to explain but from the way it sounds she knew what she wanted <ultiatly> the entire time and led you to it in small but convincing steps. you should really think long and hard bfore persuing a meaningfull relationship with this woman. she seems a bit on the wild side and like she just wanted to get laid and knew she could exploit you. best advice i could give you is to follow your heart, all things happen for a reason even though that reason may not present its self right away and in a clear manner. just hang onto your heart and you wallet in the early stages of the relationship, it seems as if you really want more then just "friends with benifits" like she does. tell her exactly how you feel right away or let it go forever. nothing good can come of you making exception against your true self, morals, feelings, and values. if its not to be then decided what level you want her in your life at friend with benifits, friend, or nice knowing you-thanks for the sex- you have ugly feet-have a nice life.


in summation,
never compromise yourself
proceed with caution
follow your heart

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uncledaddy

I agree with Squirrel, however you are the one who knows her. Myself, I would've seen red flags. She mentioned several times how "right it feels" and from my experience with a few long terms, if it feels right to a woman the first time she'll be ready regardless. Most young guys would look at this as a blessing, sexual gratification without commitments. You don't seem to be that type so as Squirrel says "follow your heart".

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Pemolis

She found the best thing in her life in you... and she wants to test other waters...

... yea.... umm... I'd pretty much just tell her Exactly what you said here.

Its hard being friends with someone you are close with at times. It does work itself out.

The longer you wait though, the worse it will be. You clearly know how to express yourself, .. so do so.

But WHATEVER YOU DO.. Do NOT make this an ultimatum. She already has an issue with commitment, and putting a Literal Demand of "Its Me, or the Street" will just break your relationship to bits.

Exactly what you said is fine. Thats about the best way to put this.

johnnymk

Most guys would call this the perfect relationship.

You could charge her with date rape, though.

DarkFury

Bwaaaa haa haa haa...


Sorry to laugh in this thread, but that comment was pretty funny and on point. (Don't know about the "date rape" thing... I'd call that the "happiest of endings". )

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Napoleon54

Wow, thanks for being so open, that's really putting it all out there. I admire your sincerity.

I don't know how much good can come from trying to analyze a woman's motives. They rarely make sense. I've only ever had success at that in hindsight.

I would suggest that there's not much you can do. Your end of things, what you do next, is all that you can control. It is good to keep the lines of communication open and discuss how you both feel, but at the same time resist the urge to talk this issue to death with her. It is easy to overanalyze things when patience and time are the important factors. It may be best to just wait and see how it pans out. If you think she's worth waiting for, then just fall back and be patient. I'm 100% with you on not being comfortable with the casual dating thing... with me I like it to be one way or the other. But maybe it's something she just needs to get out of her system and she needs to approach things more gradually than you'd like. If you really think she IS waiting for, then the best thing you can do is to wait and let her figure herself out and come back to you. Don't push it too hard though, she'll have to come at her own speed. The question then becomes how long are you willing to wait? Does she seem to be getting any closer to you or not? It might take a while and you'll have to decide if/ when it stops being worth waiting for. If at some point she stops showing interest in you altogether then it might be best to cut your losses and walk away, rather than to torture yourself by waiting for something that's not going to happen.

I dunno how much I like this analogy but I've already typed it and might as well leave it in here. It's kinda like sitting in a park and trying to get a bird to eat out of your hand... it takes tremendous patience, all you can do is hold your offering in plain sight and wait for the bird to get comfortable enough to commit.

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Hiro

I think some females need to add to the cause!

Thanks for the opinions so far though, it's greatly appreciated.

tweeteresa

A few questions before I give my thoughts:
- can I ask your age/age range?
- how did she act the morning you woke up prior to her leaving? did you notice anything different then?
- do you think YOU acted differently that morning and day after while you together?
- you said you've known each other for 8 years, but did you KIT on a consistent basis?

Hiro

I'm 25, she's 24.
Prior to her leaving, I noticed nothing different. She seemed happy.
As far as my approach, I believe I was happier, but the way I treated her remained the same.
Yes, we kept in touch regularly. While we didn't e-mail daily...we talked on the phone anywhere from two to five times a month.

Showtime

at first i thought this was a joke... but assuming you are telling the truth, this all seems normal to me.

you both remember a more innocent time when she trusted you and then it ended on good terms. now several years later, she is not the same person and neither are you. she is more experienced and might have had a bad relationship or 2, might have been used at some point or had a purely physical relationship or 2. you come back and remind her of a more innocent and simpler time. she is comfortable with you and trusts you, but now she shows it differently. your problem is that you are trying start off where it ended and that can't happen since you both have changed too much. she might have used you a bit, but you enjoyed it, right?

then again player, you probably knew what was going to happen as soon as you got the wine and hot tub going.

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lindysd

I'm going to throw in my two cents......

You are young. Enjoy life. She obviously isn't ready for a serious relationship, she wants to leave a way out open. Time and emotion are to valuable to waste on someone who does not have the same goals as you do!

The right WOMAN (not girl) is out there waiting. Go find her!
(Hope that comes across right, I have a feeling it may not).

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Hiro

I'm just curious what would make you think it's a joke? Even so, I assure you it's not.

I did enjoy it, yes. However, I am looking at this as starting a new relationship...not picking up where we left off. I only included the information about our history because I felt it was relevant.

It came across just fine.

AlwayzMarel

Okay, I'm not one to give out advice since I've been here before asking for advice from ya all.

If she really digs ya then she wouldn't want to lose you, by letting you see other people or vice versa.

However, you might just be a booty call for her, someone that she trusts enough to have $ex with (since she has known you for awhile, most women don't want to go out and have $ex with just anyone)but she doesn't want to be emotionally attached to you.

Or the Red flag would have been that she slept with ya the first night, what makes you think that she may not sleep with one of the other guyz that she is casually dating.


I suggest: Think it over, for your mental and health state.

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mcs328

I don't think you're going to get a relationship out of this. Sorry man. Maybe later but it doesn't look like it.

Wow...there are some ppl I haven't seen comment on G|A for a while. Welcome back?

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DarkFury

Actually, it was on the 2nd night (date)

But we're not counting.

Thesifer

Wait a second.. Didn't you have a fiancee last time we talked? I'm guessing she is out of the picture now that you left Tenn?

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Hiro

I've never been engaged...I was however in a very serious relationship that I had to end.

Thesifer

Ahh ok. Maybe I just assumed. Well good luck with this one.

utcpal

Communication helps always..
Serious Adult communication is the key.. (Without the emotional words and ultimatums..)

ray

Tell her you're pregnant.

In all seriousness, I think you should just move on. If she comes back to you with the same attitude, just lay it on her all up front. Have the serious discussion about a relationship, and if she balks at the idea or avoids answering your questions, I would walk away.

oblongmelon

Forget her..if she pulled that on you, who knows how many other guys she's pulled it on.

The Happy Squirrel

i kinda felt the need to add a bit more
after my divorce, i wiatined a year before i weven thoguht about dating or spending time with girls or anything like taht
after that time i started to make some "ill-advised" decisions and was a bit loose with my morals. i ran into all kinda of girls and all kinds of scams. i really do believe that his girl ran one on you. she to9ld you what you wnted to hear and got you comfy enough to make youmore receptiv e to her and so you would fill heer need at the time. thats all she wanted and thats all she is wiling to give in return.

one big thing is that youll never get more out of a relationship then your willing to give , and since she doesnt want anything she wont give anything up
also another matter is is she is in a phase similar to the one i was in last year, the o big question is are you still going to want her after she finishes it out and is.... for a lack of a better word "tainted" i guess all in all just be careful
nobody can give you what you want if you yourself dont know what that is

Nija

Act like you're ok with everything. The next time she comes over and seduces you, go with the flow.

Then when you get in the bedroom, stick it in her butt. When she screams yell, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!@?"

then run outside naked and crying. Problem solved.

P.S. you're back in California? >=]

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DarkFury

Well, at least we do know that she's already willing to "give it up" should the moment arise.

BWAAAAAAA HAAA HAA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!

If I woulda been drinkin' coffee... surely it would have been spat out and freshly coating my monitor right now. Thankfully, I was not drinking said coffee.


Awwwww mannnn!!!!! Yup Nija is back in full force. Now I'm gonna have a mental picture of the above stuck in my head for the rest of the morning.

johnnymk

I feel sooo sorry for his wife!











j/k

Hiro

Well...I'm seeing her tonight and I am just going to tell her what's on my mind. So we'll see where it goes.

Thanks for all the communication guys and gals!

uncledaddy

Good luck, man!

Showtime

yeah, even I lol'd.

chrissy

hmm..

my two bits.
It's one of two ways. First, simply what has been stated before, you don't know her like you did before, she's a player.

Second theory would be this. You have a friend that you have a innocent relationship/history with. You have always thought what it would be like. You have played it out a couple times in your mind, maybe even dreamed about it, laughed it off and gone on with life. Then one day, it happens. The opportunity was there and you woohoo... but it wasn't just what you expected. (totally not saying you are good or bad in bed, just that she had senerios running through her head and what happened wasn't one of them) You are shocked a bit. Uncomfortable. And you play it off the best way you know how.

Communication. Talk with her. Read her body language and see what it is telling you. She will let you know one way or another and take it from there.