Pemolis

Maybe I'm missing something here. I am having a serious issue making new friends (my circle has reduced to approximately 3 people). While I can whine about how people behave, my own inadequacies, or today's society... I would rather focus on what I can change and alter in my lifestyle in order to create new relationships. Any feedback is welcome.

I can't say that I am a workaholic, it is just thats all I ever do now. Not by choice, but because of boredom. I was one of those internet nuts that played MMO's all the time. I emphasis WAS. Its been a month since I have detached myself and I am finding myself a little inadequate with the whole friend making process. Let me make this clear first that it was not the whole MMO thing that got me, this has been an issue I have had for a LONG TIME. MMO's and games were just the distraction that kept me from becoming depressed about it, not to say that I have never made friends though. I had a large social group when I was playing and teaching tennis. And when I made my friend from the bus-stop (don't laugh), me and her literally went on a party spree across Manhattan for almost a year. Presently I am reduced to my girlfriend of 4 years, my friend from high-school, and one person from work. As much as people say to make friends of other friends, I want to start off not through the associations of others, but from people I genuinely meet. This makes the whole friend process harder, but I do not want my entire friend base to revolve around my relationship with another person, else if we do split, I lose my support base also (I am referencing my GF, and we are not intending on splitting, least by my choice). I also want to learn how to do it from start to end, and to get that whole anxiety out of the way.

Most people have a reason for typing something like this out, and I am going to be an oddball and tell you. I thank my girlfriend for giving this to me. After a week of demanding she make me an apple pie (to which her mother helped, I am 28 btw) she hands me a book called The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Least to say I read all of it that night. While I assume that this book is meant to inspire and motivate people to live the best life they can, it has had a different effect on me. I want to change those aspects of my life which I believe... suck.

Those aspects are:

1) Socialization, In Specific, Topic Generation. Meaning that I have to develop the art of starting interesting topics and continuing conversation threads. In essence, do an improvisation act in a social setting.

2) Hobbies. I now understand that this is intermingled with socialization. They both require each other in order for either of them to work. One needs hobbies to socialize, and socialization revolves around ones hobbies and likes. You don't hang out with someone you have nothing in common with, and a person who has allot of likes has an easier time talking to people.

Now I could complain about how hard it is and it is pretty obvious I have thought about this allot but I realize that thinking and doing are two different things. It is neat to conceive and theorize about doing something... it is something completely different to actually attempt it. There is a certain element of danger in actually acting instead of thinking about acting. The reason this is important is that in order to develop hobbies and meet people, one has to actually go out and try the hobby and meet the people. While I can surf the net for hours on end (and I have) looking for such things... I realize I am wasting my own time because I do not have the social pressure to push myself off of the starting line. I hold myself back by just looking at what is there (surfing), and not actually doing what is out there. I want to be in that small group that RSVP and ACTUALLY GO to the event.

So this is where you all come in. I live in New York, male, in reasonably good amount of shape. Instead of asking "where do I go" with no direction. I will put this as a working scenario which I have not been in yet.

"Assume I just arrived to a New City. I literally moved like 2 days ago.. and do not have a friend in the world."

In the biggest city in the world, where would you tell a person to go not just to meet people, but to develop self interest in activities at that location or place. I am not just looking to meet people, but to expand my narrow horizons, and maybe have some fun at the same time.

A few rules though:
1) nothing violent
2) nothing involving nudity
3) within reason price wise (assume I am a bit frugal, and that most of my funds are going into the basics, like surviving, electricity, gas and food). Taking a skydiving course is a bit out of question. Joining New York Sports Club is also cause I do not have 200 dollars to spend on a membership a month.

Hate to be restrictive.. but that is the truth. Why create wonderful idea's that are unattainable.

So I leave the canvas open for your input and feedback. I have not been able to come up with much so please feel free to add anything.

<note: I believe I will add in some of my own likes just so there is an idea of who I am>

I like Jazz and Indy Music (TJ Moss, David Kolker, The Ark, Sun Domingo). Also like Michael Jackson and Prince (dressed as him for Halloween). I like Kung-Fu movies, the old Shaw Brother Collection. Into the usual star wars, star trek stuff but never went to ICON. I like to exercise, but hate doing it. I Rollerblade and bike ride whenever I can. I like the bar, lounge and club scene. I literally go to a nightclub just to dance for 7 hours straight (which I have done on more than 1 occasion).

I am chivalrous almost to a fault. I dislike breaking the rules (I even hate J-Walking). Dishonestly hurts me more than a bullet ever will (... do not quote me on that I have never been shot). I will give you the benefit of the doubt whenever I can, and do my best to be a good host.

That is just a quick snapshot of me. Hope it helps.

Thank you in advance

Vince

oblongmelon

Volunteering is a great way to make new friends..Museums, HOSPITALS, The Red Cross, Historical Societies, ethnic groups such as Sons of Italy or Ancient Order of Hibernians for example..for the cost of about 30 bucks a year in dues, you can make tons of friends, MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER NEED..head to the library and find something to research..there are always people around that will be doing the same thing..strike up a conversation, go for coffee, or just continue to meet at the library..go to Barnes and Noble, and look lost..you'll find friends that way!..My grandmother always said..you only need 3 good friends, God, and your parents, anything else after that is a headache! lol Good luck in your search
ps.
You demanded that your gf make you an apple pie? Who are you? Cartman? LOL..let me give you some good sound advice. NEVER DEMAND anything from a woman, you will get better results if you simply "suggest" that you like something or that something would make you happy...if one of my daughters were your girlfriend and you demanded pie, they probably would have walked out and never came back! (or beat you with the apples)

TofuNinja

I think part of the answer was in the you had a lot of friends while you were teaching and playing tennis..... go play some tennis, join a league....or two. If you were teaching you must be good.... so get back out there and play.

__________________
"To search for the old is to understand the new." -Gichin Funakoshi-

===>>>LABELED CANTACUZENE'S DUMBEST PERSON ALIVE!!!<<<===

Pemolis

Believe me when I had a valid reason to demand that. This was the first demand I have made of her in 4 years. In perspective with the reason why... I could have asked her to buy me a car and she would have had to pretty much comply. It was slightly in Jest and she understood that. Don't take that literally, I am not the pushy boyfriend, only when she really (censored) ups.

It was my make up I am sorry present.

chrissy

Reading what you wrote, they stated what I would have suggested too.

Volunteering and getting back into Tennis.

TofuNinja

You said new york right... if you are into Running, train for the NY Marathon... you will meet TONs of new people who are also training. You join groups and meet up every weekend and run and train, etc.

VTGreg

Echoing what others said, but tennis sounds like a good idea. You could also see if there are any groups that get together for bike rides. I'm not sure how expensive it is or if one is near you, but the YMCA is usually a gym that has all sorts of classes and programs and is relatively inexpensive.

Good luck!

__________________
It only ends once... Anything that happens before that is just progress.

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

thresher

As a VERY recently divorced 39 year old living in a town all of two months I am really appreciating the responses you're giving Vince. I will take some of these to heart too!

__________________
Wait a second... you're telling me Sixpac Shakur is a CHICK?

Jeffbx

What line of work are you in? Look for some professional organizations that center around it or even just relate to it, and attend some functions. Professional networking is a good way to meet people, and it never hurts to have more connections in the business world! Plus you automatically have something in common with everyone there - if all else fails, you can talk about work.

oblongmelon

I know someone who is looking for a "friend"..I'd be happy to put you in touch with him. Unfortunately, you'd have to wear a dress, paint your toenails and pretend to be female while you listen to him talk about his Nectar of the Gawds, and his preference for Walmart Foot apparell.
And as a gesture of friendship, bring him a fan because he has a tendancy to "get hot", especially when he's around bed linens.

Maarchk

I moved out to a new city and the company i worked at was 12 married people. And i'm 27 so not really married or anything. I ended up going to the park to play ball and met a group of people there, some who've become friends. Also, I've looked online at like meet up groups who have something in common. Like photography, or hiking. Then i go to some of the events and usually because you have things in common you get talking.
I also want to join a yoga studio or something so that way i can get in better shape and meet folks. And hopefully some that are in nice shape.
But yes, be social! If you never talk to people, you won't build up the bonds to friendship. Learn to talk to anyone and everyone. Say hi to everyone you interact with and always, always smile! People remember those things. And they can feel it. It's why they tell you to smile on the phone, because people can sense the positive. I always say hi and how are you to my market checker and my butcher and my mail man or trash man if i see them. everything little thing helps you get used to talking to people you never met before and the more relaxed you are, the easier it is. Good luck!

__________________
"The girl is crafty like ice is cold."

"I left my heart in san francisco... And my liver at Moe's Tavern."

A real friend is one who listens to you as much as they talk to you.

Pemolis

I just want to thank everybody for their help and advice. I have to admit that I can be a bit anxious when it comes to meeting new people (specifically, saying "hello").

There is allot of good information in here.. and I'd hate for it to go by the wayside since there are others who could benefit from this also.