gear02

I've been up for about 24 hours and I'm not really tired because I keep thinking about what I should have done. I really can't tell my friends about it and can't really even post it on my blog so I'll just do it here. It's all ranting from here so stop reading, but I have to post this because I have no one else to talk to.


I love you. And I never use that word. I really do think, no, know I love you. I love your laugh. I love how cute you are. I love the fact that you're smarter than me. I love the way you talk. I love everything about you. I know I'm in love with you and I thought I was over you but I've been lying to myself about that. I was hoping I was over you, but visiting you this weekend really proved that wasn't the case.

I've been in love with you since we met during that one sell weekend when we walked by each other and for some reason had a notion to stop, turn and introduce ourselves. For some reason I still remember that. But really, I didn't say anything and for two years I couldn't stand seeing you with someone else. I thought about you all summer long when we were all apart and doing our internships and when I found out you broke up, I couldn't have been more happier.

It took all of my courage to ask you out when we got back but I understood when you said no because you had too much to deal with. I haven't asked you out again since then because I didn't want to hurt you anymore but I've tried to be close as I can to you these last year and a half as a friend. Every day, every time we met I hoped that something would change, that maybe one day you'd like me more than just a friend. Always the silent friend, always supportive, but always hoping. Our mutual friend told me about your conversation where you were talking about whether she was interested in certain men. When you got to me, you said you weren't interested. I guess that's why I haven't made any moves just because I didn't want you to be uncomfortable.

When we parted ways to our new lives on the opposite coasts, I was resigned to a fate of friendship and yet I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that a miracle would happen. I would ask my friends for gossip not because I liked to gossip, but I just wanted to see how things were going with you. I know you're lonely out there but part of me wants you to keep being alone because at least that means I still have that one small chance.

These last few months I've been bringing my attempts at dating other people to you and our other friends as a sign that maybe I was over you, that maybe this whole thing was just a temporary obsession. But yet, I realize that it's all a ruse. Didn't you see how fast I jumped to help when you thought about quitting and coming to Seattle? My hopes sprang up, but I tried to suppress them.

It's funny, really. We've never been on a date (even though you claim we did, but I contend it wasn't a date) but I really can't explain why I do love you and why I haven't done anything about it. You know what I should have done before I left this past weekend? I really should have told you the truth. That I came to visit not to go see some shows or that it was the last time to visit all of you, but I came to see you and to be in your company at least as a friend for a little while. Maybe I should have told you that I've been in love with you for a long time and that even if it ruined our friendship it was still something I had to do. Maybe I should have given you the gift I bought in India that I wanted to give you, but couldn't because when I got back I found out you were dating another guy. I don't know where that little piece of marble shaped as a heart is anymore, but I should have given it to you this past weekend. I should have told you that this training program that I'm on to lose a lot of weight? That's not because I want to do this. It's because I'm hoping that being in shape and thinner will make me a little more attractive to you. I should have told you that my anger towards our other friend to told you everything I told her in confidence about my wanting a relationship was just a fake anger. I wanted you to know. I just never had the guts to tell you face to face. You know those times how we talked about why you can't find a date in NYC and you said it's because there are tons of girls who are more beautiful than you. Every time, I wanted to say that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met, but I bite my tongue because I know that would make you uncomfortable at this moment. I should have told you that I would give up my career (the one that's so important to me right now) just to be with you for a few months. Why didn't I say anything last night when I woke you up early in the morning to say goodbye and to lock the door behind me.

Why don't I care about breaking our friendship? Because I'm sick and tired of nights like this thinking what if I did this, and what if I told her that, and what would our lives be like. And I'm sure by now you probably don't feel anything for me. But I wish you did. And I don't know how to change that.

You know what my biggest fear in life right now is? It's finding out that you're getting married to someone else. I don't know what my reaction will be, but I'm sure I'll end up hurting myself. And that going to your wedding (something I have to do as your friend) will probably be the most painful thing I will ever do in my life.

So what should I do now? Nothing, but to continue my life. I will keep trying on dating that other girl, or maybe my coworker. I will keep working on my career. In the meantime, I will keep being your friend and hope one day, just maybe one day, something will change.

ArkiStan

That's the attitude you need to maintain. If there's one thing in this world that has surely been time-tested, it is that time will make things better. We're always here to read your posts. Keep your head up.

ShawnLee

Cool, dude. Props and whatnot.

And just know that I'll probably steal some of this and use it in a letter - plagiarize it and pretend it was mine.

__________________

cheapie

just tell her. lay it all out on the line. life's too short to wonder what could have been or what might be.

easier said than done i know....

__________________
70% of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Bob Sanders

mojo

i agree with cheapie.

you can't know what she's thinking unless you tell her. unless there's something you left out here that would indicate something. but some people won't let on what their feelings are until something shows them they don't have a thing to lose by doing so.

it sounds like you should be familiar with that last part.

if you say something and it doesn't turn out well, sure it will hurt. but at least you will know, instead of all this assuming.

i can't tell you what to do. and i know that when i moved out here to philly from san diego it was a long shot that just happened to pay off. so i can't say that if you take a chance it will work out well. and i'm obviously "the type" to take chances.

altho it's easier said than done, i don't think the outcome could really hurt worse than what you've already slated yourself over the long run.

__________________
say "hi" to lumbergh for me

ramazank2

Sounds like you got a bad case of infatuation. It seems like you barely know her and you are putting her on such a high pedistal that no one else could ever compare too.

I bet since she is so high in your mind you act very weak around her and you appear to be a loser to her.

I speak from my experience.

Find someone who returns your love, in my opinion that is the only way you can truely love someone. Otherwise your love is meaningless and the other person can dangle you on a string and neither of you are ever really happy.

DarkFury

Honestly, maybe you should put all of this in a letter and send it to her. Seriously, if she doesn't know how you truly feel, then more or less if you really feel this way, you gotta let her know that and take the chance...

Yeah, it's hard... but honestly, sometimes you gotta take that fruit off of that tree... and not wait for it to fall into your lap (or else someone else might run and grab that fruit for themselves...)


If she rejects you after you let her know how you truly feel, then it was never meant to be. At that point, you at least won't have any "regrets" as to "what could have been".

Give it your best shot! Good luck!

__________________


DarkFury's Pimptopia - Don't Hate the Playa, Hate the Game!
Home of the Original OG Pimp (accept NO imitations)

cheapie

oooh...well said dark poet!

Prngr44

I might do it over the phone... you never know when you might be president.

Good luck.

__________________
http://otthouse.blogspot.com

DarkFury

Just pimpin' out the knowledge...

mojo

well said.

people may say that love is this mysterious thing that you can't control or whatever. but the fact remains that if you love somebody, and it's not returned, then you would be in a situation where you can't really love them in a healthy way.

that's why i said alla that about telling the person. so you can find out. and if it's not returned, then walk away.

part of being human is that we have needs. if we decide to just "love" someone who doesn't return the sentiment, then we just serve that person. it's more of an obsession that could just as well be based on "oh, i can't have this...therefore it must be so cool!"

you can love someone from a distance, and care about them and all that. but if you're being dangled, then you're just being used. and who wants to love someone like that? and if they're not using you, they'd tell you that they don't have feelings. you can continue caring or whatever, and in the meantime pursue something else. but at least you're not pining away for nothing. and then when you find someone that returns your love, then you got something.

Maarchk

The good, the bad and the funny.

It's really good you like her. Few people love like it sounds like you do, and even fewer can admit to it. It's good that you have.

The bad is, if you keep elevating this perfect image, when you do finally work it out with her, what will happen when she isn't that perfect. Everyone has flaws, even the most amazing people. You need to see and treat her as a real person and not imagine her as a goddess or else you will always act 'weak' and have problems contending with her and whats going on around you. Be strong, keep heading in your path. But do stop and tell her the truth and see what happens.

Better to try and fail than never to try. We all support you in whatever path you choose and a lot of us have been down that road. And truly, if she goes off and gets married you will regret a lot what you could have said before. So take your chance, and worse comes to worse, we'll have a GA drinking party when you get back. But best comes to best, things will go great.

Oh and DF cracked me up with pimpin out the knowledge. I may need to steal that quote!

__________________
"The girl is crafty like ice is cold."

"I left my heart in san francisco... And my liver at Moe's Tavern."

A real friend is one who listens to you as much as they talk to you.

Showtime

You're young... you should be doing something more constructive like watching the NBA playoffs. Put some of that energy to better use, man.

Besides, she knows you liked her so now just ignore her and see how she feels about your lack of interest. Maybe she'll be the one writing a love letter and wondering whether she should send it to you or not.

__________________
NBA REPORT 10-11/ The 3-Peat!


1948 1949 1950 1952 1953 1954 1972 1980 1982 1985 1987 1988 2000 2001 2002 2009 2010 Reigning NBA CHAMPS!

The Happy Squirrel

i think that your way too into this before you know. take a step back really evaluate how you feel, realisticly, how you could complement her and her to you and then proceed forwad if its right but very very slowly and with an open mind and open heart

__________________
Lion face / lemon face!

gear02

Thanks guys. I just had to write that. It was bothering me too much last night and I thought it would be therapeutic.


It's funny because another friend told me the same thing. The fact is I'm pretty sure I know her faults and I don't think she's perfect. But that's ok with me.

One of the things I'm dong right now is doing a major effort to lose weight. I'll ask her when she comes to visit in July and I hope to have shed a lot of weight by then. Hopefully maybe that will be something.

uncledaddy

Nicely put.

Gear, I don't know how many of these types of letters that I have written to myself in my younger days. I agree that you should let her know but be as strong and confident.

And DF...you crack me up man.
"pimpin' out the knowledge"

__________________

ArkiStan

And if things don't go as planned, have the dignity to do something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBHOL1PcPR8

in all seriousness, as people are suggesting, go the route of minimum regret.