renovation

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.

I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

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Markel

Quick. Alert GAM! Someone has obviously hijacked renovation's account and started typing in readable, literate sentences!

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oblongmelon

omg I'm laughing so hard I almost wet myself..BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Devhux

Do I dare mention the "No Potty threads" rule?

Funny, though probably embarrassing as well if it's true.

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ShawnLee

Freakin' hilarious. Though I wonder about the potty rule.

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DarkFury

I nominate this for "thread of the year".

This thread had me rollin'... and rollin'... and rollin'.

Now my question is.. was all of this real, or is it a joke. If real... well, you asked for it and you knew what was coming. If it is a joke, well... dayuuum, that's pretty dayuum funny.

Either way, you brought a huge smile to my face for the better part of 15 minutes or so.

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oblongmelon

I was just thinking the same thing..this thread needs some kind of G|A recognition as the THE FUNNIEST THREAD of the year..I had to call my brother and read it to him..I've never heard him laugh so hard..hahahaha

mojo

pretty funny

saw this here too

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DarkFury

Thank you mojo for confirming that this wasn't a real incident.

Still... It made me laugh WAY too hard.


Besides, as Markel already pointed out, it was typed too legibly to be an actual recount of events by renovation (sorry mang... but it's true.)

The Happy Squirrel

hehe my first thought exactly


second thought!!!


a also agree FUNNIEST THREAD SO FAR THIS YEAR

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uncledaddy

Awww...reno, I was about to commend you on your new use of sentence structure. Really funny story though.

Thanks.

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cheapie

i agree. it couldn't have been written by renovation.








there's no albertson's in michigan.

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TofuNinja

lol that was funny

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renovation

i do spend a lot of time in Florida .

ArkiStan

Thanks for the hard laugh.

p.s. The tabooization of scatological humor is quite possibly one of the most ridiculous and pointless phenomenons of recent culture.

uncledaddy

Huh?





Wait.....did my intelligence level just come to light?

DarkFury

Well... you do know the meaning of the word "taboo" (i.e. "forbidden)

"scat" is a slang term for "poo"... thus scatological means "poo related"

Hopefully you understood the rest of the post.

Prngr44

I immediately suspected a cut and paste impostor!!!

Funny story though!

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Prngr44

We like to call that crop dusting.

uncledaddy

Scatological, I did not know. Now the post makes sense.

Thanks DF.

Hell, It wasn't too long ago that I found out that when my then 18 year old nephew called me "Dawg", that he wasn't trying to disrespect me.

ArkiStan

gives a whole new reading to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpHLEm9-0bg

Devhux

I knew it before I clicked the link..... haha!

I still can't believe I actually had liked that song back when it was released in the mid-90s. Now, it's just horrible.

utcpal

Good one.. very funny