gwilks98

So I've been seriously dating the love of my life for almost 5 1/2 years now. We currently live together (unofficially) and have for about 3 years.

Last night, I approached her about how distant she's been. She hasn't spent one night with me since her 2 week high-stress business trip to China.

She starts crying and states she's not sure if she loves me "that way" anymore.


The sex was still pretty good, and there wasn't lack of flirting on my part. I can still make her laugh, I tried to surprise her with small tokens of love and the relationship was going pretty well, I thought.

But now I'm getting this "I've been dating you since I was 19 and I don't know who I am. I need time alone to figure that out."

I told her I don't do breaks, but I'd be willing to move back a step. She moves back in with her parents, we try to see each other on the weekends so that she has some more space.

I don't suspect there's another rooster in the picture at this point. I'm pretty intuitive and I still trust her when she confirms that.

I'll be 28 in a month, my father's dying from aggressive brain cancer, my parents financial situation is in the toilet, my brother is mentally retarded and will significant amounts of help, we share a dog (that she technically owns) whom I fiercely love. I love her so much, but I just don't have the time for this. On top of all that, we work at the same company and have many of the same friends. 95% of our lives involves the other.

She hates her job. HATES. Her 3 bosses are nightmares in her eyes, but HR has failed 4 other employees before her with the same problems with the same person. The retail industry in StL has all but vanished, so if she wants to design clothes, she has to move to another city: an idea that's appealed to her for years.

I'm stuck here until further notice. I doubt I could ever live away from my brother, especially with dad dying.

I'm totally lost. She tells me how wonderful I am and that I treat her like a princess and she knows how bad her timing is, but she couldn't keep it from me anymore. Now I'm losing my dad, and potentially my dog and my love.


I can only pray that her soul searching reveals how much I mean to her and that she's willing to stay with me because I'd lose my mind if I lost her.

I'm not a praying man, but I could use the power of prayer here, peeps. Thanks.

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cruelpupet

Weird, I just started seeing a girl who was in a similar situation a while back. She was married to the guy for a few years was totally happy with everything one day and the next it was "im moving out".

I dont really have any advice to give, but maybe understanding what she went through will help you with yours.

Basically she realized that she wasnt living her life for her. She was in a job she didnt like because it paid well, to support him while he followed his dream. I dont know if he could have salvaged the marriage, but for her it was mostly career and discovering new hobbies. She herself didnt realize how unhappy she was until it just clicked, and it wast really anything about him.

In my opinion, a lot of that also had to do with them being married so young (19ish), and i think she would agree.

So let her develop into the person she wants to be, maybe even pushing her to follow a dream. Sadly though, that may come at a price of her changing. Her changing into someone that wants something different in a relationship, or even her changing into something that you have no interest in being with.

Either way, in this case it probably really isnt anything about you.

More to follow in another post.

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cruelpupet

...and we're back.

Also please keep in mind (and this goes for everyone here including myself), sometimes when we play things over in our mind or as events happen, we create stories. And we over react and act on these stories we make up in our head.
ie. I called her all day and she's ignoring my calls.
When reality is usually something very different like, she left her phone at home, or the battery died, etc.

So if you or anyone here starts to get worked up over something...take a breath and realize that most of it is just in your head.

Prngr44

Damn that sucks...

If you want to cry over a beer (or just want to grab a beer and vent) just let me know.

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The Happy Squirrel

that sux dude.

i hope everything works out for you. I ahve been through every aspect of every relationship and ahve faced a lot fo ahrd times myself.

The best advice i can offer you is that your first impression and instinct is usually the right one <assumeing your are mentally balanced> There are lots of hard decisions that need to be made, and sometimes you ahve to do it. I realize that i left that fairly vague, but you understand what i mean when you are in that situation. Follow your heart, whereever that may lead you. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Make sure to keep us updated.

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Airencracken

I've been there (well, similar situation anyways). It sucks man. Just try to get through as best you can.

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gwilks98

Will do. Thanks guys. Any chance this could be related to a higher hormone birth control she switched to around the time that she said she started having doubts?

chrissy

Yes, gwilks, it can be the bc she is now on.

But don't blame them completely, it just might be that they gave the "umph" to voice what was in her head.

Be supportive. (I know a lot of people are needing your support right now but we are here for you ) It sure sounds like you might be the one thing that is good in her life when everything else is falling apart (as she is for you too)

booger73

probably not (BC), in my opinion..

Not trying to be sexist in any way here, but women who are 19 vs 24 vs 29 are waaaay totally different at those ages compared to men at the same 19, 24 and 29.. and i have a feeling like was mentioned above priorities, goals, dreams, thoughts, doubts are at different points right now.

wish i had comforting words but can only take it one day-at-a-time.. brings back some flashbacks for me myself to my ex-wife.. but, it does work out eventually imo..

LPMiller

oh yes. Yes it could. That knowledge will help you not at all. I mean, try to even imagine how that conversation would go.

But...it sounds like she is questioning a lot of her choices right now...this isn't always a bad thing, because some times the answer is "I made the right choices" but it sucks for you because there isn't a whole hell of a lot you can do about it, and you have your own issues to deal with. I have no advice.

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gwilks98

Thanks guys. It's a lot to process in one night. She let me have the dog for 2 nights and she's going to stay at her parents. She has friday off, so she's going to come back and get more of her clothes.

It's hard to eat, it's hard to sleep. I remember this.
http://www.gotapex.com/suckage-not-s...highlight=dump (Suckage:Got dumped friday)




This sucks.

Daedalus

So sorry to hear. I really feel for you and I do hope she comes back to you. The bad news is that, for all the relationship stories where one partner decided they needed "space" or a "break," things almost never work out, and IMO it's naive to think you can change their mind by trying harder to be the person you might think they wished you were. The good news is that things can most certainly get a lot better. At the end of the day the hand you're dealt is what it is, and all you can do is play it as well as you can.

Jenny

Just know we are all here and supporting you. Hopefully things will work out the way you want them!

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uncledaddy

So, true. I'm one of those stories. After 3 1/2 years living together and almost $6,000 on a wedding, I got the, "I need space" and "But you want to be more than friends" lines, one night in bed. Was out by my birthday two months later.

I really hope it goes better for you, gwilks. The feelings really suck when you love em' so much. Good luck.

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cruelpupet

Oh make sure you dont let yourself be a doormat.

tweeteresa

Her age and how long she's been with you is definitely a factor in her thoughts and decisions right now. She basically only knows herself as a pair, not a single entity. I think most people do their "growing up/soul searching" during their 20's. She hasn't had much of that since it's mostly been shared with you (which by no means is a bad thing), it just leaves her feeling like she doesn't know who she really is, as an individual.

Cliche as it may be, I do believe in the whole "if you love something, let it go..."

attgig

dude. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully, she can just open up to you as to what's going on inside her head, even if it is bad news, cuz I'd rather hear the bad news, instead of always guessing the worst.

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ArkiStan

Sorry to hear about all this. My only and best advice. Try not to worry about all your issues at once. Figure out your priorities and concentrate on one issue at a time. I'm sure you are doing the very best you can, but for now, if I were you, I'd let the girl have her much-needed "personal time" and concentrate on spending as much quality time with your dad as possible. You won't regret it. Seriously. In my opinion, the girl and dog are the least of your troubles at this moment.

In the meantime, my best wishes go out to you. You know we're all here for you. Keep your head up.

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gwilks98

Thanks again guys.
Prngr44, I'd love to meet up for drinks. It'd be good to put a name/face with the handle. Let me sort through this weekend and I'll let you know.

As for the update: I think I have the problem pegged.

The issue is her battling with this buzz word called a quarter life crisis. When she was in college, when we started seriously dating, I was going through mine. The idea can be read about here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis
She was my way of dealing with my crisis. I got to go visit once a month in a college town, party up and relax with young girls and booze. On the backburner, I was paying off school/car debt and then saving for a place of my own, while living with mom and pop.

When she graduated, I decided it was time to settle down, settle the debts, buy a house and start building my life around my relationship with Lace. She, at the time, wanted to live outside of st. louis, but couldn't find a suitable job and we agreed that we'd live here for now.

We made young friends at our jobs, not too many married couples and things were great.

Recently, our friends started to get older and started acting older or started having quarter life crises. For instance, one young married couple started having significant "i don't know if we want the same things anymore" trouble. Another couple felt pressured to start having babies, but the husband was reluctant. One girl only got married to be married and found herself with an abusive husband. 2 other couples just got married and are happy as can be, but it's a sign they're moving on to a new life change.

She started seeing these kinds of troubles while in her quarter life crisis and started questioning whether we were going to be able to surpass those same issues.

I've noticed, also, that she has had a stronger desire to go out and party all night. I protested it, saying things like "you're not 21 anymore." (Stupid stupid, STOOPID mistake. I should have been more tactful.)

I think what's going on here is I moved on to the next phase of my life. House, dog, serious girlfriend: I’m doing great! She's just now having to face the realities of mid 20’s: her job sucks, her life became routine, and the man she loves doesn't have the same lifestyle anymore so she feels she's growing apart. The world doesn't look the same as the bright ambitious endless place that college paints it to be.

The question now becomes, what do I do with this information?

I'd love to tell her that there's plenty of room for both in her life right now, we just have to find a balance. But I know it's her that has to want that balance. And the trick with eventually moving into a new phase is to do it slowly instead of slamming into it and freaking out. (I don’t blame her. I’m scared too.) But maybe that's what this is what she's trying to settle right now, and she just doesn't know how to communicate that. Or maybe she wants one last push into the single girl life before she decides to commit to the next phase of her life. I don’t know.

I remember Noell coming to you for help, and the issue had a very similar undertone. I remember him saying that he wished Hollie and Lace would realize that life is not as fast paced as college would have it. I find myself echoing those same words now. Scary.

I’d love to talk with her about it, but I’d also like your input to make sure you think it’s a good idea. She’s the love of my life, and I’d hate to lose her now if she’s trying to completely encase herself in her past. Is there a way I can help her ease the burden?

guiseppewv

I am sorry that I cannot offer any advice. Please know that we are all here for you. I hope things start getting brighter.

One more thing, I think ArkiStan has some good advice. Tend to things with your father first. That is the most pressing thing at the moment. You will not regret doing that later.

gear02

It seems that maybe her trip to China got her to realize how much she's missing. Maybe take her on a long trip around the world (though i don't know her finances).

Basically indulge her quarter-life crisis.

gwilks98

She goes to china twice a year and hates it. neither one of us could afford to take time traveling internationally.

But we talked for a few minutes today (she called me) to discuss meeting with my parents. She wants to be there at the same time as me, and we did joke around a bit. She seems much more relaxed now that she's had a few days away. She reaffirmed that she wants to be more than friends right now, but just needs her space, so I think I have a good shot at winning her back. It all rests on the both of us deciding who we are and figuring out if we can be partners again.

booger73

why not send her the wikipedia link.. ?

Risky, but, ya never know..
women do like to kindof talk, or feel like you're trying to understand and/or support them

i'm not suggesting a 'is this what you're going through?' type message.. but more of a .. 'hey, i saw this and was wondering how much this might be playing into our relationship.. '?

again, risky.. but, you know her best as to how she might respond to that

guiseppewv

I would recommend against sending her the wikipedia link but that is just me. If you think that is a wise move (you know her better than we do) then do it but, with the info you have given us, I don't think that would be a wise move.

gwilks98

she knows all about the phenomenon. No need to send it to her, it was for your benefit that I posted it.

She was fine at my parents house. She stuck by me when I moved into the kitchen to heat up their dinner. (Could have been to avoid my mom.)
But she gave me a couple generous kisses goodnight after she asked me to walk her to her car.

Now, we go to a group function with mutual friends and she's embarrassed to give me that same kiss goodbye with other people around.

Not sure what to make of that one. There was no one there that she's interested in. Very bizarre.

Didn't call her today and will not either. Not sure when I'll break down and give communication another shot.

Napoleon54

I have some career advice to offer: start writing country music.

I hope things take a turn for the better soon. It sounds like you need it.

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gwilks98

Odd....


I'm not quite sure how to bring this one up.

Depression is listed all over this page too:
http://www.askapatient.com/viewratin...O%20TRI-CYCLEN

Jihforce

Sorry to hear that man...Just try not over-analyze it, sometimes it backfires. Just let her have her space and make sure you keep taking care of your life. It may not be easy to eat, but you gotta keep on living and taking care of yourself and your family. It's actually kind of nice that she's sticking around to at least support you through you turbulent time. Just hang in there buddy.

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gwilks98

I'm having second thoughts about her irrational behavior. From all the advice people have said they've given her, I'm thinking she's trying not to lead me on in that things are fine or we're back together. Given that I know now she still is in love with me, I can see why she's needing space.


I over analyze everything, so telling me not to is like teaching a horse to dance.
I'm eating more now. Still not back up to 2500 cals, but I'm working on it.
The stress and lack of eating has done wonders on my quest for a six pack, so it's not all bad.

I've also been making some lifestyle changes as I attempt to refind myself in all this. I went to eharmony and match.com not to find people, but to take the surveys about myself. Honestly, there were some questions that were pretty hard for me to answer, because I stopped being an individual while I was with her. I have no real hobbies anymore. Sure I dabble with projects, but that doesn't really count.


So this ordeal is not an entirely bad thing.