chrissy

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?"

~~~~~~~~~~~
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not
blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and
said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to
hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are
exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman
looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I
just bought this hat yesterday!"

~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the
folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You
know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'
book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's
all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you
two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long
while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I
think we had State Farm.

jujubees

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God: "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

__________________
You could have it all
My empire of dirt

Jenny

ROFL Love it.

__________________
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chrissy

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December..


Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.


Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.

Jenny

hahahahahaha! that was great!