advice please

RapidFireUnit · 01-20-2002, 01:07 AM

Hi, my girlfriend recently told me that she felt that there was no more lust or romance in the relationship and because of this she wanted to break up in fear that there was nothing left in our relationship. She says that she doesnt feel the same way as she used to and does not feel like boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. She doesnt feel that special feeling and does not want to keep it going. What can I do to show her that our relationship is just more than a physical relationship and that it can still last?
Thanks

Jenny · 01-20-2002, 10:17 AM

First, how old are you both? How long have you been dating?

Ok, before knowing that, here was my first thought.

Plan an entire evening out as a surprise. Don't tell her anything before hand... Make reservations at a nice restaurant. (If neither of you has fancy clothes, don't make reservations someplace that you should be wearing a ball gown & tuxedo.

) For after dinner, think about what she likes to do. Does she like music? See if there is a concert going on that night. Or if she likes art or history, plan on going to the museum or art show. Doesn't matter if where you plan on going doesn't require dress clothes. It would be something different and make her feel special. When you take her home, walk her to the door, take her keys and unlock the door for her, gently take her hands and pull her to you, kiss her lightly on the lips, say "I'll call you tomorrow," then turn and leave. It will surprise and intrigue her if you don't want to come in and ummm, get naked.

Now, saying all of that... BRING FLOWERS. I know of no woman that would hate getting flowers. If you are in love with her, bring a dozen roses (you can usually find a pretty good deal). If you can't afford it, bring a single red rose. Make sure you open all her doors. Walk her around to her side of the car, open her door for her and after she is in, close it. Then go and get in your side. When you park and she starts to get out, say, "Let me," and then rush around to her side and open the door for her. Open the door and let her go ahead of you at all buildings (the restaurant, the concert or museum, whatever). Not only is that common courtesy, to me, it is romantic and tells me that he is thinking of me.

Good luck! (If you are too young for this stuff or really can't afford any of it, let me know. I have other ideas. The main thing is, SURPRISE HER. Do something out of the ordinary. Treat her differently than you normally do, even if it feels a little weird.

)

chrissy · 01-20-2002, 10:32 AM

Well, first, how long has this conversation been going on? Is there a reason for her to feel that way? (rough to think about, but that might be her letting you down easily) DON'T go accusing her, just is there a possiblity?

I have said this before, but you have to communicate. Ask her what the relationship needs. Ask her not just what you can do, but where she would like to see the relationship headed. If she says in the garbage, ask her then what you can do to change that. Do what she asks only IF you can live with it. Ask herwhat has happened in the past to lead your relationship to this point. Can you both change what got you there?

Once you start talking, you can't forget to listen and then take your actions.

RapidFireUnit · 01-20-2002, 11:04 AM

This is the third time she has tried to break it off and it has been going on for a couple months I am assuming. She said she wants things to be back to normal. SHe said she wanted time to figure things out. I didnt know how to take it. As of right now we are "back together" but the intensity level is very low, and we both agreed on that. We are going to start over and hopefully work things back up. Yesterday she told me all the things that I've ever done to make me happy, because we both said we'd think of the positive things versus the negative things to make an effort to make things better. But I still dont know how to take this. I am still in high school. Mainly its just the fact that we were fighting more often, and that we were only getting physical, and she felt that the relationship had nothing left to it. I guess all I need to do is show her that its not. But how can I make sure to do this without scaring her off, coming too strong, seeming too desperate?

chrissy · 01-20-2002, 11:41 AM

First of all, forget the physical. It's been a while since I was in HS, but stop it. I know that it is hard to do when you already started.

Become friends again. When you put physical into the picture when you are young, that's what any relationship becomes (almost, not saying 100% of the time). What brought you together? Sports? Band? Chess? (

) Go back to that. Become friends and laugh. Enjoy being kids. And if it doesn't work, keep in touch with her. Stay her friend. You will learn a lot from her and your relationships from someone like that.

RapidFireUnit · 01-21-2002, 03:21 AM

Thanks, any more comments/ideas about the issue? I think the advice I've gotten so far is wonderful. I appreciate it so much, THANK YOU!!!

RapidFireUnit · 01-21-2002, 09:20 PM

What else can be done to rekindle the fire and not let her fade away from me? Or is it a lost cause?

chrissy · 01-21-2002, 09:53 PM

Well, this isn't going to happen over night. Take time.

southernbelle · 01-22-2002, 09:02 AM

..... to me, nothing is so attractive as a confident, secure man doing his own thing vs. someone hanging on sucking the life outta me. Is there anyway you can do more things with your friends, and have interests that don't necessarily include her? You will be more centered and she will feel the pressure is reduced. Also, does she do things with her friends that do not include you? If not, encourage it. Don't be paranoid that she will be out looking for someone else, because in all honesty, if that is where it is headed, that will happen anyway.

Try and be extremely thoughtful - ask her what she thinks about stuff. Sometimes womanspeak for "the relationship is not going anywhere" is really "I feel taken for granted and not valued". So what makes her feel special? What are her interests?

I agree with the others, knock it off on the physical. That is the surest way to make a young girl think she is being taken for granted. Sure, a guy thinks "she must know I really love her because we do xxx", but a girl thinks "he is only using me for xxx", or "all he thinks about is xxx, I could be anyone"

And, whatever you do, do NOT say "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday", no matter what the yahoos in "off-topic" say. Make is special for her - you don't have to spend a lot of money - make her cookies, or give her a single red rose, or make a tape with her favorite songs - just acknowledge she is important to you.

Good luck - hang in there, and let us know how it goes

Jihforce · 01-22-2002, 02:54 PM

Yeah you have to keep a balance. It can't all be physical because its makes it that much easier to lose sight of what is really important. You have to feel good about hanging out with her in public as much as you like being with her in private. And you have to do those things that make her feel the same way too. Its easy to feel empty inside when all you do is focus on the physical aspect of the relationship. Thinking back at the times that she'd tell you all the things that you did that made her happy. Just keep in mind that this is a 2 way street, you can't make it work on your own. If you are doing what it takes but she's not reacting, then perhaps her mind has already been made up. If she is reacting to the way you are now, then I think everything will be just fine. Women do love surprises though, so you may want to plan something nice. And it doesn't have to just be during Valentines either. It could be anyday. Good luck!

~~DoPeY5007~~ · 01-22-2002, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by southernbelle

And, whatever you do, do NOT say "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday", no matter what the yahoos in "off-topic" say.

Well I am just glade my chick has the same thoughts about the day

southernbelle · 01-22-2002, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DoPeY5007

Well I am just glade my chick has the same thoughts about the day

Hey, no worries if you both REALLY think that - whatever floats yer boat! Y'all have obviously been together long enough to have agreed.

BUT, for the average man (or woman) "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday" equals "cheap b*stard"

IMHO, of course

~~DoPeY5007~~ · 01-22-2002, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by southernbelle

Hey, no worries if you both REALLY think that - whatever floats yer boat! Y'all have obviously been together long enough to have agreed.

BUT, for the average man (or woman) "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday" equals "cheap b*stard"

IMHO, of course

well we have only been together 8 Months, and yeah I can see where most people will think like that ( the "cheap b*stard" ) but I have never been big on ANY holiday, and my girlfriend is the same ( and I am happy about that )

I am more for the random signs of love, I don't need one day a year to tell her that

Pinkgirl36 · 01-22-2002, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by southernbelle

Hey, no worries if you both REALLY think that - whatever floats yer boat! Y'all have obviously been together long enough to have agreed.

BUT, for the average man (or woman) "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday" equals "cheap b*stard"

Me, Being his Girlfriend can say that I don't like the day, never have, for as long as I can remember and probably never ever will. I don't know, I just find it a very stupid day. I don't need a designated day out of the year to tell him how much I love him, or how much he means to me, he knows that and can tell when he looks in to my eyes everyday, or for us to go out somewhere.
I dunno and maybe it's just me but I feel just because someone spends money doesn't mean anything. Or show how much they love you, I just think it would show how materialistic your love is or something....i dunno....but that's just my opinion on the whole day.

sbp · 01-22-2002, 06:22 PM

Yep, Valentines Day is another one of these overcommercialized days. Companies say $pend big money to show how much you love.

RapidFireUnit · 01-29-2002, 11:51 AM

she is questioning love and its existence, she says she doesnt know what to do anymore. "breaking up doesnt work, getting back together doesnt work." she says she's stuck. i tried to show her that i cared but she didnt react to it, wouldnt hold hand, etc... then later that night we talked(i spilled my guts about my true feelings) and it ended up with us crying our hearts out, hugging....telling each other its going to be okay...

is this just sympathy for me or is she hiding her true feelings? dont know what to do anymore. she seemed very happy afterwards acting very cheerful around everyone and what not. dont know what to think anymore

Pinkgirl36 · 01-29-2002, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by RapidFireUnit
she is questioning love and its existence, she says she doesnt know what to do anymore. "breaking up doesnt work, getting back together doesnt work." she says she's stuck. i tried to show her that i cared but she didnt react to it, wouldnt hold hand, etc... then later that night we talked(i spilled my guts about my true feelings) and it ended up with us crying our hearts out, hugging....telling each other its going to be okay...

is this just sympathy for me or is she hiding her true feelings? dont know what to do anymore. she seemed very happy afterwards acting very cheerful around everyone and what not. dont know what to think anymore

wow....stuff like that hurts, I know.
My best advise would be just give it time and tell her no matter what happens that you will always be there for her and to help her.
If you guys tell each other everything is ok, do you honestly deep down in your hearts BOTH believe it, because if you do, everything will work out in time.

sbp · 01-29-2002, 04:39 PM

Girls at that age don't know what they want. Time to play the field.

RapidFireUnit · 01-29-2002, 04:43 PM

play....the field??

sbp · 01-29-2002, 04:47 PM

Yes time to date other girls.

RapidFireUnit · 01-29-2002, 05:18 PM

not that easy for me to do

sbp · 01-29-2002, 05:37 PM

Of course its difficult to hear this. Give her the chance to miss you and why limit yourself at this age.

Jihforce · 01-30-2002, 11:27 AM

yup, she probably needs some space. Sometimes, you have to be the man and just make the decision for her. She probably doesn't want to make that decision because she's scared.

welfareloser · 02-09-2002, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sbp
Girls at that age don't know what they want. Time to play the field.

i don't think it's age. you were fighting a lot. you don't hate each other, but the relationship isn't right, and you both know it. you're still together because breaking up is hard. move on, there's almost zero chance that it's ever going to get better.

welfareloser · 02-09-2002, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jihforce
yup, she probably needs some space. Sometimes, you have to be the man and just make the decision for her. She probably doesn't want to make that decision because she's scared.

exactly right. she wants it to be over, but is too much of a wuss to actually dump you. she's gonna make you do it for her. an to be fair, it IS hard to dump someone unless they're being a raging pain in the butt, which you're obviously not. happens all the time. guys do it to girls, girls do it to guys. no reason to prolong it. just cuz you guys still have some feelings for each other isn't enough of a reason to stay together, and she knows that... but you have to act on it, or else you two are going to be wasting months... or YEARS ... half-@$$ing your way through a not-quite-right relationship instead of calling it quits for real and moving on to something better.

BigJon · 02-14-2002, 07:38 AM

every now and then....suprise her

take her out to dinner often

tell her that she is special to you...everyday

kiss and hug her everytime you leave....even if you will be back in 5 minutes

these work for me!

01-20-2002, 01:07 AM	#1
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	advice please Hi, my girlfriend recently told me that she felt that there was no more lust or romance in the relationship and because of this she wanted to break up in fear that there was nothing left in our relationship. She says that she doesnt feel the same way as she used to and does not feel like boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. She doesnt feel that special feeling and does not want to keep it going. What can I do to show her that our relationship is just more than a physical relationship and that it can still last? Thanks

01-20-2002, 10:17 AM	#2
Jenny Chief of Naval Operations Join Date: Mar 2000 Location: Kansas City area Posts: 10,947	First, how old are you both? How long have you been dating? Ok, before knowing that, here was my first thought. Plan an entire evening out as a surprise. Don't tell her anything before hand... Make reservations at a nice restaurant. (If neither of you has fancy clothes, don't make reservations someplace that you should be wearing a ball gown & tuxedo. ) For after dinner, think about what she likes to do. Does she like music? See if there is a concert going on that night. Or if she likes art or history, plan on going to the museum or art show. Doesn't matter if where you plan on going doesn't require dress clothes. It would be something different and make her feel special. When you take her home, walk her to the door, take her keys and unlock the door for her, gently take her hands and pull her to you, kiss her lightly on the lips, say "I'll call you tomorrow," then turn and leave. It will surprise and intrigue her if you don't want to come in and ummm, get naked. Now, saying all of that... BRING FLOWERS. I know of no woman that would hate getting flowers. If you are in love with her, bring a dozen roses (you can usually find a pretty good deal). If you can't afford it, bring a single red rose. Make sure you open all her doors. Walk her around to her side of the car, open her door for her and after she is in, close it. Then go and get in your side. When you park and she starts to get out, say, "Let me," and then rush around to her side and open the door for her. Open the door and let her go ahead of you at all buildings (the restaurant, the concert or museum, whatever). Not only is that common courtesy, to me, it is romantic and tells me that he is thinking of me. Good luck! (If you are too young for this stuff or really can't afford any of it, let me know. I have other ideas. The main thing is, SURPRISE HER. Do something out of the ordinary. Treat her differently than you normally do, even if it feels a little weird. ) __________________ Check out my spoilers for over 20 shows @ SpoilerFix.com Check out my TV blog, where I post weekly & daily TV schedules, TV news, interviews with TV stars & more! All new TV forums as well @ TV Is My Pacifier

01-22-2002, 09:02 AM	#9
southernbelle Lieutenant Junior Grade Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Deep in the Heart of Texas Posts: 99	This is a tough one, but..... ..... to me, nothing is so attractive as a confident, secure man doing his own thing vs. someone hanging on sucking the life outta me. Is there anyway you can do more things with your friends, and have interests that don't necessarily include her? You will be more centered and she will feel the pressure is reduced. Also, does she do things with her friends that do not include you? If not, encourage it. Don't be paranoid that she will be out looking for someone else, because in all honesty, if that is where it is headed, that will happen anyway. Try and be extremely thoughtful - ask her what she thinks about stuff. Sometimes womanspeak for "the relationship is not going anywhere" is really "I feel taken for granted and not valued". So what makes her feel special? What are her interests? I agree with the others, knock it off on the physical. That is the surest way to make a young girl think she is being taken for granted. Sure, a guy thinks "she must know I really love her because we do xxx", but a girl thinks "he is only using me for xxx", or "all he thinks about is xxx, I could be anyone" And, whatever you do, do NOT say "Valentine's is a Hallmark holiday", no matter what the yahoos in "off-topic" say. Make is special for her - you don't have to spend a lot of money - make her cookies, or give her a single red rose, or make a tape with her favorite songs - just acknowledge she is important to you. Good luck - hang in there, and let us know how it goes

02-14-2002, 07:38 AM	#26
BigJon Vice Admiral Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In the kitchen...skinning onions... Posts: 4,946	every now and then....suprise her take her out to dinner often tell her that she is special to you...everyday kiss and hug her everytime you leave....even if you will be back in 5 minutes these work for me! __________________

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01-20-2002, 10:32 AM	#3
chrissy Admiral Join Date: May 2000 Location: OKC Posts: 5,046	Well, first, how long has this conversation been going on? Is there a reason for her to feel that way? (rough to think about, but that might be her letting you down easily) DON'T go accusing her, just is there a possiblity? I have said this before, but you have to communicate. Ask her what the relationship needs. Ask her not just what you can do, but where she would like to see the relationship headed. If she says in the garbage, ask her then what you can do to change that. Do what she asks only IF you can live with it. Ask herwhat has happened in the past to lead your relationship to this point. Can you both change what got you there? Once you start talking, you can't forget to listen and then take your actions.

01-20-2002, 11:04 AM	#4
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	This is the third time she has tried to break it off and it has been going on for a couple months I am assuming. She said she wants things to be back to normal. SHe said she wanted time to figure things out. I didnt know how to take it. As of right now we are "back together" but the intensity level is very low, and we both agreed on that. We are going to start over and hopefully work things back up. Yesterday she told me all the things that I've ever done to make me happy, because we both said we'd think of the positive things versus the negative things to make an effort to make things better. But I still dont know how to take this. I am still in high school. Mainly its just the fact that we were fighting more often, and that we were only getting physical, and she felt that the relationship had nothing left to it. I guess all I need to do is show her that its not. But how can I make sure to do this without scaring her off, coming too strong, seeming too desperate?

01-20-2002, 11:41 AM	#5
chrissy Admiral Join Date: May 2000 Location: OKC Posts: 5,046	First of all, forget the physical. It's been a while since I was in HS, but stop it. I know that it is hard to do when you already started. Become friends again. When you put physical into the picture when you are young, that's what any relationship becomes (almost, not saying 100% of the time). What brought you together? Sports? Band? Chess? ( ) Go back to that. Become friends and laugh. Enjoy being kids. And if it doesn't work, keep in touch with her. Stay her friend. You will learn a lot from her and your relationships from someone like that.

01-21-2002, 03:21 AM	#6
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	Thanks, any more comments/ideas about the issue? I think the advice I've gotten so far is wonderful. I appreciate it so much, THANK YOU!!!

01-21-2002, 09:20 PM	#7
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	What else can be done to rekindle the fire and not let her fade away from me? Or is it a lost cause?

01-21-2002, 09:53 PM	#8
chrissy Admiral Join Date: May 2000 Location: OKC Posts: 5,046	Well, this isn't going to happen over night. Take time.

01-22-2002, 02:54 PM	#10
Jihforce Vice Admiral Join Date: Jan 2000 Posts: 4,352	Yeah you have to keep a balance. It can't all be physical because its makes it that much easier to lose sight of what is really important. You have to feel good about hanging out with her in public as much as you like being with her in private. And you have to do those things that make her feel the same way too. Its easy to feel empty inside when all you do is focus on the physical aspect of the relationship. Thinking back at the times that she'd tell you all the things that you did that made her happy. Just keep in mind that this is a 2 way street, you can't make it work on your own. If you are doing what it takes but she's not reacting, then perhaps her mind has already been made up. If she is reacting to the way you are now, then I think everything will be just fine. Women do love surprises though, so you may want to plan something nice. And it doesn't have to just be during Valentines either. It could be anyday. Good luck!

01-22-2002, 06:22 PM	#15
sbp Chief of Naval Operations Join Date: Dec 1999 Posts: 11,037	Yep, Valentines Day is another one of these overcommercialized days. Companies say $pend big money to show how much you love.

01-29-2002, 11:51 AM	#16
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	she is questioning love and its existence, she says she doesnt know what to do anymore. "breaking up doesnt work, getting back together doesnt work." she says she's stuck. i tried to show her that i cared but she didnt react to it, wouldnt hold hand, etc... then later that night we talked(i spilled my guts about my true feelings) and it ended up with us crying our hearts out, hugging....telling each other its going to be okay... is this just sympathy for me or is she hiding her true feelings? dont know what to do anymore. she seemed very happy afterwards acting very cheerful around everyone and what not. dont know what to think anymore

01-29-2002, 04:39 PM	#18
sbp Chief of Naval Operations Join Date: Dec 1999 Posts: 11,037	Girls at that age don't know what they want. Time to play the field.

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01-29-2002, 04:43 PM	#19
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	play....the field??

01-29-2002, 04:47 PM	#20
sbp Chief of Naval Operations Join Date: Dec 1999 Posts: 11,037	Yes time to date other girls.

01-29-2002, 05:18 PM	#21
RapidFireUnit Ensign Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7	not that easy for me to do

01-29-2002, 05:37 PM	#22
sbp Chief of Naval Operations Join Date: Dec 1999 Posts: 11,037	Of course its difficult to hear this. Give her the chance to miss you and why limit yourself at this age.

01-30-2002, 11:27 AM	#23
Jihforce Vice Admiral Join Date: Jan 2000 Posts: 4,352	yup, she probably needs some space. Sometimes, you have to be the man and just make the decision for her. She probably doesn't want to make that decision because she's scared.