caribiner23

skiAtomic asked for my feedback on eHarmony, so I figured I'd post something here about it. (I mentioned it in the thread about online personals, but here's more detail.)

First of all, a bit about me: 42, divorced, kids sometimes with me. I think I'm pretty decent looking, I've got a pretty good job, I own my own home, I'm a nice, considerate guy, etc., so I guess I'm a good catch, as they say.

I got out of a nasty relationship a while ago and decided to look at the online services. match.com seemed like a really awful singles bar, so I blew that off in favor of eHarmony. I heard and saw the commercials, plus there was an article in the Wall Street Journal, so I figured what the heck.

The first thing you do is go through this 30-40 minute questionnaire, where they ask you all about yourself. It's kind of like the personality profiles you take in high school when they're trying to figure out your ideal career-- you know, school bus driver or lab technician. (There are a few trick questions in there, so if you are considering doing it make sure you're aware of them-- one of them asks if you ever lose patience in traffic, and another asks if you ever drive over the speed limit: if you say "no" they assume you're lying. You can be rejected from their system if they sense you're not telling the truth.)

Once you're in the system, they start matching you up based on the results of the questionnaire plus the criteria you set (e.g. smoker/nonsmoker, drinker/nondrinker, how close to my home, etc.). When they find a match for you, they send you and your match email, so you can check your "match page" to see their profile. The profile is something that you get to write yourself, similar to what you would do on match.com but slightly less sleazy, IMHO. Getting a match can take anywhere from a few hours to a few days. (Maybe I'm just so darn compatible, but I average six to eight matches a week.)

If you or your match decides to communicate, you start going through various levels of guided questions (of your own choosing-- they give you many to choose from and you select the ones you want to ask) which are designed to give you a better idea of how compatible you and your match are. The first round of questions consists of questions like "What is your idea of a romantic time? (a) a quiet candlelit restaurant (b) cooking at home (c) a walk by the seashore..." etc. The questioning rounds start out very close-ended and end up almost like essay questions. The idea here is to ask the hard questions before you get to the "open communication" portion, which is essentially sending emails through their system.

During this process, all you know about your match is their first name, the town they live in, their age, and what they do for a living. If they have a picture posted and they've made it viewable, you can see that too.

If at any point you decide the person is not for you (at best) or a psycho (at worst-- and I've had both) you can drop them and they can't get ahold of you any more. Likewise, they can drop you for any reason during the process.

In theory, it's a pretty good system. In practice, it's better than getting fixed up on a blind date, but there are some bugs and they're mostly human related.

My experience has been that sometimes people lie about themselves just to make them seem more compatible (surprise!). I have met some very nice people, too, but no matter how much you know about someone from the inside, there's always that pesky "chemistry" thing to deal with once you meet.

After a couple months on the system I met only one (out of a *lot* of matches) person that I was actually interested in having a relationship with. We went through the system, emailed back and forth, started talking on the phone, met for dinner, and hit it off really really well. Chemistry, the whole bit. It was there. The neat thing was that when we met, most of the hard questions about philosophies, politics, etc. were already answered. It was like we knew each other for a long time. It was like freakin' magic for both of us.

So far, eHarmony worked as advertised.

After about a month of talking on the phone, having dinners, spending Christmas Eve together, and doing all the courtship things, it actually seemed to be heading in the right direction. I was thisclose to beginning to think she was The One (I know it was only a month, but trust me, this was really really different). We had plans to do stuff all through January, including spending the day together today.

I woke up on New Year's Eve day to a lengthy e-mail (an *e-mail*!! ) saying that I was the sweetest guy she ever met, etc. etc., and that she can't believe how wonderful it's been with us, but she's just not ready for a serious relationship, and 'take care.' I learned a couple weeks ago that her divorce was final in October, she got on eHarmony a week later, and we met at the end of November, so she's still messed up over that whole thing. When we talked about it, she admitted that she was still gunshy about getting involved with someone again, but all her words and actions pointed towards a real relationship-- we were just taking it slow, day by day.

It's taken a few trips to the bars (including a major doozy tonight) to work on getting over this one. Seeing "The Last Samurai" with two Harp Lagers and a Ketel One Martini in your gut is an interesting event.

Sooo, the moral of the story is this: eHarmony does seem to work as advertised, but if you do it, don't lose track of your instincts, and make sure you take into account the element of human wackiness.

look_ma

I just want to say thanks to caribiner23, for first off righting this indepth review and second sharing a part of his person life. The review answered all my questions about how the process works, I am not going to join but was ultra curious. My only other question is how much does it cost, and do you find that making it cost something eliminates olot of the retards that you would find at a free service (like mathc.com, i think they are free?).

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caribiner23

I paid something like $70 for three months. It's cheaper per-month if you go for a longer term. There are coupon codes floating around.

You can take the questionnaire, get a profile, and even get into their matching database for free. You can't communicate with anyone unless you pay, though. The idea is that the people who don't take it seriously won't waste your time.

The challenge here is that you can usually tell the people who haven't paid, because their profiles are incomplete. And I get matched with a few of these each week, so they almost always get deleted right away.

eSDee

Wow what a great review caribiner. Sorry to hear about the lady changing her mind like that. But you know she's gonna remember you as a hell of a guy so maybe there's still a chance.

Good luck to you.

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3 days I dread to see arrive
3 days I hate to be alive
3 days filled with tears and sorrow
yesterday today and tomorrow

caribiner23

Thanks for the positive thoughts and feedback, guys.

I'm not holding my breath on this lady, though. If she handles the tough situations in her life the way she handled this, I'd rather be with someone else. Having a face-to-face or even a phone conversation about ending it would show more character and class than a middle-of-the-night email. I mean, we shared a lot (emotionally) during the time we were together. This was just a major writeoff of everything.

By the way, my response to her email was "I wish only the best for you" and left it at that. I think that shows a lot more class than what I received from her.

On another dating note, one of the restaurant/bars I go to is doing a speed-dating thing a week from Monday. I'll file a report here -- should be interesting.

djradam

girls will be girls.

my friend was dating this girl in high school and she broke up with him sophomore year cause they were going to go to college after high school and would probably be at different schools.

i've had some bad excuses used on me too, but i'm sorry to hear about your situation. beer is always your friend - it'll never talk back to you, and if it does, just drink more

attgig

the dude who started that eharmony thing also has a book out about finding out if the person you date is worth going after in 2 dates or less.

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caribiner23

A therapist I know says that it really only takes 5 minutes to know whether or not you want to be with someone, and the "falling in love" process takes about 15 minutes.

I can usually tell after one date.

djradam

i think the 5 minute rule applies to other things (job interview process), sometimes at least

caribiner23

I'm writing a lengthier article about my experience on eHarmony, but here's some raw data..

I was signed up with eHarmony for about 6 months. In that time, I was matched with 216 women. Of those 216, 28 were interesting (or interested in me) enough to continue through beyond "open communications." About 10 led to first dates, and about half of those led to second dates. None of these led to a serious relationship (the experience above notwithstanding), although I made a few really good friends whom I otherwise would not have met.

I've spoken to a few people who have done eHarmony, and the complaints by gender seem to be in the same ballparks: women are generally bothered by the fact that they seem to be matched with older guys, and in some cases *much* older guys (a 35 year old woman being matched with a 55 year old guy-- this happened to three women I know), and men seem to meet women who are either already in another relationship or barely out of their last one (one guy told me a woman he was dating went back to her ex-husband).

My sample set is not meant to be conclusive-- I just found it interesting that I've met a handful of people who seem to have the same concerns.

Would I recommend it? I'd say 'sure,' but as I stated above just keep the element of human wackiness in mind.

fabfore1

How did this go? I went to one a couple months ago, I didn't meet anyone I'd want to see again but I thought it was fun and an interesting way of meeting new people.

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caribiner23

I wound up not doing it that night-- there's another one scheduled for sometime in March, so I may try it then.

A lot of people have said what you did, that it's an interesting way to meet people.

redcolours

...than the other eHarmony thread.

i was watching the movie Must Love Dogs two weekends ago with my friend, and she said we should sign up on either that or match.com. i thought it was an interesting idea.

i used to avoid thinking about it, thought it was all hokey. but i realized that my some of the closest strongest bonds ive formed are online, so why is eHarmony or match.com any different?

im single, and though im enjoying it, its clear from all the painful emptiness i feel sometimes that yeah, i miss the loving arms of someone that loves me back. i havent been in any meaningful relationships in a LONG while.

ironically, some of the more painful encounters ive had WERE online. probably why im wary about using online dating services. at least with those sites, theres a more methodical way of meeting people. and yes, its an alternative to the age-old tradition of chance metings (which rarely happen with me).

at any rate, this thread is very interesting - and thanks to caribiner23 for an in-depth review of eharmony. i for one appreciate it.

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there are pictures, but no,nothing happens on my site.

brainsmile

I knew my wife was the one about 15 min into our first meeting

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"Nobody beats Vitus Gerulaitis 18 times in a row." - Vitus Gerulaitis on beating Jimmy Connors after 17 failed attempts.

MrGreg

Yeah, but how long did you have to keep her tied to that chair in the basement before SHE realized that it was meant to be?

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sixpac shakur

Hey caribiner23, tell us the most psycho girl that you got matched up with. I do love a good story.

One of my friends is on eHarmony and he said that he went on a date with a girl that went into graphic detail about her gastric bypass surgery.

Another girl I talked to was on eHarmony too and she said that she went on a date and met the dude at his apartment (against her better judgement). She walked into his place and he had about 30 of those big "light-up" plastic Christmas lawn ornaments all over his living room and they were all plugged in. No, it wasn't Christmastime and yes the date ended there.

RoniMan

oh yeah, this is really making me wanna try internet dating...

sourdough

I have thought about trying this for a while, since women seem to always love sourdough. Why is it though everytime a woman gives me those 'hungry eyes' I can't help but think she has a breadknife and some butter behind her back?

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mcs328

Weren't they recently sued because some of the women you got matched up pretended to be single and were actual employees?

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Markel

I think that was match.com.

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stay low... keep moving...

johnnymk

Did he have a dog named "Snots"?

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kgsilvas

No, Markel was correct in placing that one at match.com's doorstep. eHarmony got sued for preventing a MARRIED guy from participating prior to his divorce finalization. Link to G|A? Thread

Markel

From what I've heard, eHarmony was started by a Christian man who was concerned that the divorce rate within the "church" was as high as the society in general. He wanted to come up with a way to hopefully match potential partners up that were more compatible. (I think he has since sold the company, but it may explain why some of their policies are a bit more conservative than some of the other sites.)