nickel

do you ever feel like a friend is telling you and dwelling so much on the tumultuous issues in her/his life that you hafta step back and take a break from it?
and no matter what advice you give her/him they don't take it or try to resolve their issues?

i have told a friend before that i am putting on my "i don't care hat" for awhile because i needed to, but that i would definitely be back to help.

is that a reasonable thing to do?

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ski

If you have a copy of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, one of the sections details how you don't always have to catch the ball when someone you know tries to pass it to you. You are not obligated to handle all of their problems. I used to be a slave to most of my friends because I would always catch the ball when it was thrown to me.

I think it's a reasonable thing to do.

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cheapie

i have a friend like that. she just drains me when i chat w/her. blah blah blah blah.

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Showtime

I have a friend who always complains about his wife. Some of it is legit and some of it his side of things. I finally told him to make an effort (get help/counselling) or to leave if it's so bad. Just don't tell me about how bad she is all the time. The other day he and her are going out to dinner and she comes back early and tells me he said he has a headache. I've been listening to him complain about her all these months and the one time I'm around he can't get past a headache. That dinner was one of those steps people take to make things better.

Some people don't want help. They don't want to fix their problems. The just want to bitch and get sympathy.

-j

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Mike_N_Ike

Oh man - So true. So true.

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Jenny

Yup, definitely. I have a friend that I have to do that with. It's gotten so bad that I just stay away so I don't have to sit and "listen" (it's online).

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Nija

I've honestly told people that I will listen to them, but don't expect me to give any advice, because I'm not listening.

I'll be the person you vent to, but don't think I'm gonna help you.

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ski

I like that, but I think I'd say:

"I will hear ya, but don't expect me to give any advice, because I'm not listening"

My dad's hearing is fine, but he has trouble listening when my mom wants him to do something

ShawnLee

My line with my kids at church is:
"That's great. And I care why?" or just simply, "I don't care."

Sounds cruel, but it's effective. My way of telling them that it's not something worth worrying about.

(I should note, in case I sound like a jerk, that if it's a legitimate worry I will bend over backwards for them.)

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caribiner23

I had a friend who did this for two years, complaining about her husband. Finally, I asked her if she wanted someone to listen to her complaints or to have someone validate her feelings. It was the latter.

I followed up by saying, "consider your feelings validated. Now go do something about it or stop complaining."

Nothing wrong with the "I don't care hat."

avlena

i've heard that women rant to let off steam and just have an outlet, while guys rant because they want to find a fix-it solution. i think it's more related to how you think, because since i'm really logical, when i hear someone complain i feel the need to find a solution. on the flip side, sometimes i just want someone to hug me and say: "yeah, i know", and leave it at that. either way, it's okay to "not care", though it might be better uune her out until she's done talking, don't bother with a solutions cuz it's not necesasry, and give her a hug to let you know her complaints have been "heard".

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sizemic1

I'd recommend people interested in this stuff to give "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" a whirl. It really has some good stuff. The book states basically what caribiner stated.. for the most part, women want people to listen and empathize with them, they do not want people (men) to give advice and solutions (which is what men do 99% of the time). Unless specifically asked...don't give out advice or solutions to women. For the most part it falls on deaf ears and they think you're not listening to them.

Now there's nothing that says you have to listen. I agree with most of you. If someone constantly barrages you with crap you don't want to deal with, then don't. Although I wouldn't recommend this approach if it's your significant other

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YaYo

yeah. thats my favorite hat.

trust me though, when I put it on, everyone and their bloody mother can go fvck themselves.

but right now im okay.

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johnnymk

When they are babbling, I play computer games and say "uh huh" and "Really?" a lot. They actually believe I am listening to them.

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