ufcrusher

When my wife and I were married, some of her so-called family chose not to attend our wedding. Now I am not talking about far off relatives but rather her grandparents and 2 uncles/families. In fact, neither of her uncles even bothered to respond to the invitation. My wife was obviously really hurt by this situation and at the time chose not to deal with it. Other than sending a terse note to her grandparents we have had no contact with them and she does not wat to have any in the foreseeable future.

Recently it has come to our attention that her grandparents decided to take a trip to Reno right before our wedding. This was a trip of over 500 miles each way and was not disclosed to us by her mother who knew of it. Her grandparents claimed that they werent well enough to travel, which was a lie and proven even more so by the trip they had taken.

Now before anyone claims that it was a money issue or similar defense that normally seems to be thrown up by some members, her grandparents skipped our law school graduation stating that they were going to come to the wedding instead. So they wouldnt have to worry about $. On top of that they constantly spend money on her cousins but only give her hand made gifts. (PS2 for her cousin, Xbox for another, Gameboy Advance for another....she got a painted rock...so $700 for the cousins maybe $2 on the paint for her).

We have had no contact with her uncles or her granparents since well before the wedding other than the aforementioned thank you notes. The problem is that my wife and I agreed a long time ago that we were going to alternate where we went every year for the holidays. Last year we went to my dads and as such, its her turn. My wife has explicitly said that she wont see any of her family other than her mother and her aunt. Yet her family always has big holiday stuff and although she thinks we will be able to get away with it, I KNOW that her mother will end up interfering with it and try to get them together.

Obviously, my opinion is why are we even bothering to go up there...my wife rightly says that its not fair to her mother, friends, and aunt/uncle/cousin that didnt pull anything not to go. Now I realize that she is right, but I cant help but think that this is stupid. Why bother to put ourselves into a situation where we will both feel entirely uncomfortable.

On top of this I honestly dont know if I will be able to hold my tongue when it comes to her grandparents or uncles. I know how much this has hurt her and bothered me. I had one set of grandparents who ended up not being able to come, but that was due to having a heart operation less than 2 weeks from our wedding date. They had to cancel their air/hotel reservations. I also had 2 uncles not come, but once again they all responded and have both repeatedly apologized for not being able to come.

Am I wrong to worry about this trip? What would you do in this situation? (Yes, I know I will HAVE to hold my tongue as much as I dont want to.)

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gear02

I understand what you go through. My family has similar issues (although none relate to my generation).

Your wife is right, it's not fair for the other relatives who want to see you two. However, I wouldn't go out of your way to do anything for them. Be polite (no f*ck you-s) but at the same time treat them as if they were a stranger. You don't gain anything from being nasty, negative, etc. Don't stoop to their level and you'll be fine.

Grubbie

I say **** them and go to hawaii. Seriously, I would go to your family and not go visit her family. Unless you can get it so you can only visit the family member you like, I don't think it is worth the trouble to be with them.

TofuNinja

A deal is a deal. Take one for the team. Just be careful.... if all else fails. start a food fight.

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nickel

life is too short ufcrusher. go visit her side of the family, hold your tongue and be the bigger person.

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oblongmelon

In my family-we've learned the way of the old timer..GUILT...pure and simple..go to see her family for the holiday..but while your there..make sure you keep mentioning HOW GREAT/BEAUTIFUL/FESTIVE the wedding was..and how it's TOO BAD that they(insert assorted relatives here)missed it..never give them a chance to respond..the conversation should be something like this....so..gramma, grampa, happy thanksgiving..nice to see you again..what's it been? like 5 months? oh yeh, since before the wedding..you know..when you weren't able to travel..how was reno anyway? Gee..that weather out there must be good for your bones..and speaking of bones..this chicken we had for the rehearsal dinner was the most delicious ever..I think we have pictures of the rehearsal dinner..Honey? did we bring our pictures of the rehearsal and wedding? Gee G'ma and G'pa, I'll have to take a picture of you and cut out your heads and stick them on someone elses body in the pictures so it looks like you were there......well hopefully at my NEXT wedding you'll be able to attend..etc etc...in my family we keep this stuff going for years and years....*snicker*...it's a great feeling because they all look like idiots and you still get the final slam.

nickel

ooooh, obby is good

Kim

I think you should go and enjoy the time you have with your family. You never know how soon they will be gone.

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welfareloser

that sucks. do you happen to know why they're acting like that?

all good advice so far... i would add that either you or your wife might want to talk to your wife's mom first. make it very clear that you really want to see her, the "good" family members, etc, that you love them, blah, blah... and that it would be really, really nice if she did NOT force you into a situation in which you two get to feel uncomfortable. you would like to avoid the sh**heads and have a NICE christmas. you DESERVE to have a nice christmas. being in a room with people who enjoy treating you like dog turds would NOT be a nice christmas. (speed this up or dumb it down as needed... ) anyway, make it clear that that you don't want to be pressured, guilted or tricked into having a sh***y christmas. i know that's a lot to lay out on the table, and most people don't talk about stuff like that plainly, but it ought to work.... hopefully a loving family member would give you at least that much.

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ufcrusher

My wife has already made it clear to her mother that we will not see them no matter what. To the point that my wife has decided to completely re-arrange the normal pattern of visitation to the opposite of what we normally do. (Her parents are divorced and we usually spent Christmas Eve with her father, Christmas Day with her mother and family...now the plan is C.E. with mother, CD with father to avoid those we dont want to see.)

Part of the issue here is that my wife/her mother are not confrontational at all, but rather passive when it comes to situations such as this. Her mother has already made a comment regarding how long are you going to refuse to speak to them to which we answered until we decided otherwise. Thus, why I am really sure that she will meddle...although my wife thinks I am wrong.

As for the no-shows...no reason that we can think of. They had all met me a few times prior and we got along well.

hapoo

I'd want to sit down with the grandparents for a couple minutes alone and just figure out what their problem is. I have less issues with people when i know whats wrong with them.

mcs328

I give them the painted rock back as a christmas present. If it was good enough to give you then it's good enough for them to receive. If anyone gets upset just say I thought this painted rock was the gag gift we would send each other for christmas since grandma and grandpa started it last year. Just keeping the tradition alive.

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cheapie

hahaha....good idea mcs.

also, i would also sit down w/the g-parents and say wtf is between us?

gear02

yeah...obby IS good

caribiner23

Take the high road.

There's nothing to be gained by spewing nastiness beyond the temporary good feeling of "sticking it to them." It's sort of like scratching a case of athlete's foot-- it feels good for the moment but it doesn't solve anything. And from what you've said, it doesn't sound like these people are going to change their ways. Don't waste spinning bad energy in their direction.

You can create the Christmas you deserve. Be with the people you want to be with, even if the people you don't want to be with are in the same room.

oblongmelon

Get it right-it's not nastiness..it's GUILT..the nasty part was them not showing their faces for the wedding..and since they aren't going to change their ways..GUILT GUILT GUILT is the way to go..yeh..it feels great ...trust me..

ShawnLee

Guilt... fun stuff.

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ufcrusher

UPDATE: As predicted, it has begun. We received an email which basically was a guilt ridden plea not to avoid seeing the family. It even went so far as to say that if we dont see them this time we may never see them again.

cheapie

from mommy-dearest? and why wouldn't you see them ever again? the grim-reaper getting ready?

ufcrusher

That was the inference...."they are getting old and although they are ok now you never know."

Frankly, to me that means I should run to my grandparents in good old Florida as health there is more of a concern. I would also get to see my Dad, siblings, and friends.

Grubbie

Just be like, well you could of seen us if you came to our wedding...... ufcrusher's parents are in worse health so we are going to go see them for the holidays....

usedillusion

i don't know if they're close or what, but how could your wife forfeit spending the holiday with her mom because of their ignorance? i'd say to brave it and go. this kind of stuff snowballs into more and more resentment if you let it. it starts out with "these people screwed us," and ends up "not only did they screw us, now they're forcing me out of my own family!" but that's only true if she lets them stand in the way of who/what's important.

either way, they come with the territory, so at some point it should be addressed or else it'll just keep boiling to the surface every family function.

BrewMaster

support your wife and do whatever she wants to do with her family.

i would go and just suck it up. but that's just me.

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Hypnotist

You don't know me from Adam, but I've seen no mention of sitting down for an honest discussion with those that behaved so selfishly. Are they mature enough to hear from you and especially your bride about how their inattendance at your Wedding HURT you? Do they have the huevos to face the music? If not, too bad! The sharing of your honest feelings will demonstrate your strength to everyone involved and may bring them to realize the weakness in their behavior...after all, this is FAMILY. The primary benefit however, will be that which you gain for yourselves. It's best to confront, not comfort. What an uncomfortable feeling to have to revisit this issue every time your going to see these folks. Who cares what they think now...obviously they lacked the ability to think before...about your feelings...on a VERY special day. Do it........for yourself.

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