Ladogaboy

ever consider dating a best friend's sibling?

Here's the scoop. One of my best friends from college has a sister who I met for the first time about a year ago. Within about 5 minutes of meeting her, my first thoughts were, "Damn, this girl is cool as [insert expletive here]! If she were only 2 years older, I might ask her out on a date." (Just for the record, she is even younger than I thought she was at the time.)

Now, my friend has a penchant for torturing people when she has something to hold over their heads, and I started noticing a while ago that she would torture her sister this way whenever I was around. At first, I thought nothing of it, but then a pattern started to emerge. Basically, I think she might have a thing for me just based on the way that she and her sisters act around me. On the other hand, though, after some of the talks I've had with her, I think there might also be something else going on.

Anyway, the thing is, in some ways, I wouldn't mind dating this girl: She's sweet, nice, has a lot of the characteristics I find attractive in a woman, but.... There's the age issue, best friend issue, and the fact that in a lot of ways she embodies something that I've been looking for... a close female friend that isn't a romantic interest. I mean, I could have a lot of fun just hanging out and doing things with her, mainly because she isn't a part of my established group of friends....

The decision I've come to, though, is that I would rather just have her as a friend, but I've come to a point where I'm not sure how to approach her about it. I've mentioned meeting up--just the two of us because I don't really want to talk to her about it in front of her sisters--, but she's been busy and not really responsive. Which now makes me wonder if I have completely misjudged the situation and if having this 'talk' is even necessary. I might be wrong about this, but if she actually did have a crush on me, I would think she'd actually jump at the chance to meet and talk with me privately.

Ugh. Any opinions or advice on how to procede would be appreciated.

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ialsohaveadream

Dating a best friend's sibling violates The Code. She's off limits. If you date her, and your friend happens to bury a hatchet into your forehead, all he has to get a jury full of men and cite The Code, and he's not doing time.

Yossarian

the Code only applies between guys, i think this friend is a female

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revil

just don't kiss and tell to your friend...

Ladogaboy

LOL...

"Man, I gotta tell you about last night! Your sister tastes sooo..." POW!!!

ialsohaveadream

Guess I would've realized that if I read past the first paragraph. My bad.

That complicates the issue.

donnar

i would say something, I mean how are you ever going to know it is not like you are best friends with her so it shouldn't change anything if she turns you down and the sister should only be upset if she likes you too so tell her

molecularfire

Well... the question that you have to ask yourself is whether the opportunity to date her is worth risking the friendship with her sister. How much is the friendship with her sister worth to you... a best friend versus a chance at love... hard spot to be in. Usually, for me the answer is no. I generally don't date friends or people who mean too much to my friends for that reason. A girl is easy to get... a good friend is much harder. That being said, I have dated a friend with great success so I am being a hypocrite by saying this.

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nickel

if it feels right, do it.

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oblongmelon

sometimes, having your best friend as a brother/sister in law (in the future of course) is a good thing..makings for one hell of a happy family.

Ladogaboy

That's your answer to everything!

Seriously, though... what bothers me is that she hasn't spoken to me since before Christmas. I kind of hinted to her what I wanted to talk to her about, and why that would make her clam up I'm not sure. It makes me doubt the whole situation even more. I mean, no matter how she felt about the situation and me, she'd at least want to clear the air, right?

As for what feels right, I just like being around her... and enjoy myself when I am. The fact that she is hot only complicates the matter. Arg, and I don't want to go through one of her sisters to get in contact with her either.

ialsohaveadream

Now that I've thought about it some more...if the sister is actually interested in you, go for it. If the girl you're talking about was actually your best friend and you got along that well, you probably would pursue her...so I'm guessing that she's just a good friend.

And don't let people fool you, losing a female friend is perfectly acceptable in pursuit of a relationship.

brainsmile

honestly... and I'm being serious... she may be your best friend now but I don't think in the long run that will be the case. When she eventually gets serious with someone and ends up married it will be virtually impossible for you and her to remain in the same state of relationship as you are currently. It's just not doable. No guy is gonna want his wife to have a best friend as a guy. Trust me on this. Go ask her sister out.

Ladogaboy

First, she is one of my best friends. I know it might not seem like much of a distinction, but there is one. Oh, and I am not her 'best friend' either. Okay, forget I said best at all... we are close friends. When/if she gets married, she and I will still be friends: she would never marry a guy that would not allow her the freedom to choose who are and are not her friends.

And I'm not actually worried about losing her as a friend... I'm more worried about the sh1t she'll give me. The person I'd be worried about losing as a friend is her sister.

Hypnotist

First, I'd approach your girl "friend"(I'll call her Sarah), to check her Real temperature regarding your relationship. If Sarah's a friend, she should be open to the discussion. She's either a good friend, or hopes for more. If she's hoping for more, you know that pursuing her younger(?) sister (Jessica), could cost you at minimum, your friendship... not to mention the potential for a non-starter with Jessica. In this case, you've lost both relationships. Side note: You might be surprised at your own feelings if Sarah told you she sees more for your relationship. That revelation could shed a whole new light on the subject. If you don't mind losing Sarah, so-beit, but if you value your friendship with Sarah above the risk of a "possible" relationship with Jessica, DO NOT PROCEED any further without a talk with Sarah.
Bottom line... talk to Sarah about it now... before Jessica shares your recent advances with her sister.

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Ladogaboy

Hahaha... sorry, Hypnotist, but that is really funny on a lot of different levels. I can't explain them all to you, but even the names you chose have some funny significance for me. Anyway, Sarah, as you called her, is just a friend... and I am just a friend to her. I couldn't look at her in any way other than that. Also, in a tacit sort of way, she kind of encouraged me to date her sister. The idea isn't offensive to her... and it certainly wouldn't crush her feelings. I think she would find it a little awkward (as would I), but that's about it.

brainsmile

if that's the case... ask her sis out.

nimj2323ck

[Starsky] Do it, do it. [/Starsky]

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Hypnotist

Yeah, given this new bit of insight... get face to face with Jessica and ask her out for a friendly lunch. You said yourself your just looking for a friendly relationship. Why so hesitant? Try not to out-think yourself on this. Or maybe I've missed something here.

revil

you could also ask your friend, "why do you always torture your sis around me?"

brainsmile

or just go up to the sis and say... is this gonna happen between you and me or what?

ialsohaveadream

The "I don't want to ruin a good friendship" excuse always makes me laugh. You would rather try to stay friends with someone you're attracted to, which means you get to be the "friend" that hears about how she dates other guys? Yeah, you do that. That sounds like fun. As for me, I pursue the sister.

BS makes the perfect points about being friends with the opposite sex. The only way it works long term is if A) you two never really see each other (i.e. you live in different states), or B) one of you is gay.

Emqtee

I have been involved with one of my brother's best friends. It just didn't work out well at all. When things ended it was pretty akward. Especially when my parents or brother would bring him up in conversation.

My brother and this guy are still good friends. We kept him out of most of what happened though. Even though things ended not so good with him, I didn't want me brother to get involved and lose what has been a good friend to him.

Moral of the story I guess would be if you are going to pursue her, be careful about it. It can lead to a pretty sticky situation in the future.

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BrewMaster

Ask her the sister out. It doesn't have to be some crazy commitment up front, just go have lunch together or something. Get a feel for how things are between the two of you when everyone else is gone. Don't be covert, ask her out on a date so that she knows it's a date, but if the vibe on the date is not right and you both agree it's not what you want, then no harm is done. You go back to being friends and her sister gives you a bit of sh1t, but it will die down. And on the flip side, you could hit it off and have a great relationship with her. Go for it no matter what.

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donnar

ramazank2

If you dont do it you will probably regret it your whole life. In 5 years from now and Revil is having his way with her you will be like damn I should of got to her before him.

welfareloser

she's not off-limits... it can work out fine.

the whole hot-and-cold thing and sister-torture thing are both odd... something's going on, and it's impossible to tell exactly what. so, since it's already an issue... might as well throw your hand on the table and find out exactly what the issue is

any of your guesses could be right... maybe she likes you... maybe you misjudged that... it may be that the friend likes you and doesn't want to admit it, and channels that into messing with her sister about you - whether her sis likes you or not. that would actually be my first guess...

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Ladogaboy

Well, of all those possibilities, the only one I know is untrue is that my friend is in any way interested in me. I've known her for 7+ years, and she would have had plenty of opportunities to make something happen. As it is, she is happily in a relationship--the best/healthiest one she has been in since I've known her--, and I am nothing more than a friend to her.

welfareloser

cool. simplifies things to rule that one out!

then the hot/cold thing outn the lil sis... how old is she, exactly? girls of a certain age have a tendency to spend hours analyzing a few seconds worth of conversation with someone they "like" ... maybe you said something that, after a few hours of intense scrutiny, hurt her feelings, confused her, pissed her off, scared her... again, i'd come up with the most comfortable way to lay your cards down and figure out what's what.

and, staying friends with the friend if/when you break up with the sister is easy if you follow a few simple rules:

umm... okay, i'm having trouble stating it as simple rules. but basically, be up-front, kind, and mature about the breakup. one of my friends stopped being my friend after he was a total pussy about breaking up with my little sister... i wasn't upset, and neither was my sis, but he was completely immature about it (just started avoiding her) and too embarrassed to ever face me again after that

and honestly... never rule out the thought that an opposite-sex friend might like you. it can hit all of a sudden, after years of being genuinely disinterested, when you least expect it. i'm living proof

OC

GAWDS that movie sucked...

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