The Happy Squirrel

okay need some input here

so i have been thinkning lately and i have made many mistakes in the past few years but the one that has been bugging me for quite some time <like the past year or so>
is the way i ended my relationship with my former girlfriend
as most of you probally know by now i am in the middle of a divorce and this is what really sparked this


the situation is

i was dating this girl for a long time and i broke it off abruptly because i was thinking of asking her to marry me and got scarred
we spoke a few times shortly afterward and things got kinda ugly
the thing is is that i really broke her heart

heres the good idea bad idea part

i have been thinking that i should maybe contact her and try and appoligize for what i ahd done
im not trying to win her back <she is recently engaged and for that i would congradulate her>
but mainly i wont like to tell her how sorry i am for what i did to her
then we could part ways again or if she choses maybe be casual friends.

but the big thing is is the chance to say i am so very sorry for what happened..


SHould I approach her and do it, or should i just let it go and let her be on with her merry life.

i dont want to drudge up painful memories so im not sure if i should or not

mainly im looking for ladies opinions here

if you were hurt this way, would you want the guy to appoligize or just be content to forget him forever
would it be to painful or would it accually give you some peace
im sure she no longer thinks of me and is in a completely new chapter of her life


do it or no??
ladies help me out here.
im desperatly trying to rights some wrongs in my life.

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ialsohaveadream

I'm not a lady....but leave her alone. She's obviously moved on. Let her be happy. Don't bring up what might be a painful part of her life.

Memo

I'd leave her alone. You can either piss her off or bring back old feelings that aren't going to do her any good now that she's engaged.

freebieprincess

I agree to leave her alone. No sense in opening old wounds to make yourself feel better. She moved on and now you should too.

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I used to be with it but, then they changed what it was.

Maarchk

Sorry dude. I got to back the crowd on this one. I think that when you broke things up, she got hurt. And now that you are getting into some rough time you want a friend to be around for you. It sounds like you would be doing this for you more then for her and thats not the right approach. If she wants to talk to you, she will write. If you just want to talk to her , then know that you are doing it because you want it. Probably not because she would feel better. That may be a secondary reason.

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oblongmelon

How could you even consider it? If I were her I'd put a knife in your head before you even got one word out of your mouth. Leave her alone. A woman scorned is a terrible thing to waste so unless you want to go hopping back to your old oak tree with your balls stuffed down your throat-I'd suggest a big giant NO on the idea..

welfareloser

if it was me... i'd love for you to do it. it would set her at ease to know what was going on... if she loves her fiance, it won't change after you tell her that. if she can forgive you and like you, that's a good thing for her, period.

i had a guy do exactly that. we're still friends. he's my husband's close friend too. we dated, he talked of marrying me, then suddenly broke it off hard. 6 months later, he apologized, and it meant a lot. didn't screw anything up; fixed a lot of things. do it.

if she comes at you with a knife, stop.

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wung

not a girl here either, i think it's a noble thing to apologize for your wrongs, but i don't think you need to do it in person.

i think her feelings is a concern here and everyone above said to leave her alone. i don't necessarily disagree, but i'll share a different perspective:

Maybe in the short term, painful memories will surface, but i think in the long run, it'll be good for her to know that you yourself understood that you were wrong and that you've caused her pain. Just don't dig too deep into the past, don't be long-winded, and of course, be sincere. make it clear you're not asking her anything in return . . .

molecularfire

Are you doing this for her or for you?

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Disclaimer - The above opinion should not be taken as medical advise. My only advise is to talk to your doctor. If you are stupid enough to take anything I say seriously, you have nobody to blame for your cranio-anal inversion but your stupid self.

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ialsohaveadream

Definitely sounds like you're doing this to make yourself feel better. If you just need to get the story out, and hope it gets back to her, tell it to a mutual friend or something.

The Happy Squirrel

im not doing this for me
i wronged her and deserve no redemption, that not what i am looking for
i dont want forgiveness
i just want her to know that i am sorry
thats all
if we never speak again then so be it

as for writing a letter or email
i dont ahve her email address and any letter would be intercepted by her parents before she even saw it
as well as any phone calls
<her parents were part of the reason for the break, a very small part but they did play a role>

but no, i dont hope to get anything out fo this for myself

ialsohaveadream

Sounds like she's living her life just fine not knowing that you're sorry. You've got to put yourself in the new fiance's shoes. Would you want an ex that your woman used to be very serious with suddenly popping in to apologize for being an ass? If so, enjoy the karma.

zenbooty

Sorry, but you do indeed.

"im not doing this for me"....
"i just want her to know that i am sorry"

Right there ya gotcha self. This is more about what you want. How do you know knowing you're sorry and feel bad and know you were wrong will somehow make anything better for her? You want her to know because it will be a weight off your chest, the guilt of hurting her and leaving her. Leave it be, I say. From what you say it doesn't sound like she's in need of your apologies. So what do you think it would accomplish?

I'm not trying to be nasty or judgemental. I've just been on both sides of this equation at different moments. Clean breaks are best. Any regrets or later feelings of need are yours and yours alone.

welfareloser

i'll weigh in again... it would almost certainly be be better for her to know what was up. she will feel better. sure; she's living her life just fine now... but an old wound is still a wound. and healing is good. maybe she's already forgiven you - in that case, this won't hurt a thing. maybe she's let it go, but still wonders wtf happened - this would put that tiny little question to rest. maybe she hates your guts and dwells on it every day - well, you'll either fix that (which would be good) or not (which wouldn't make it any worse.)

seriously. the potential good is 10000000000x greater than the potential harm. the only harm would be if she was completely mentally unstable, or hung up on you and you wanted to apologize without getting back together.

if my husband's ex-fiancee called to apologize, i'd be happy for her and for him. and that's saying a lot... they were together for 5 years, she was a mean bitch, and i hate her for it. a sincere apology would make me not hate her. i'd be happy to know that she was a better person. it would be a good thing.

christ, if my ex-husband offered an apology... well, i wouldn't believe he was sincere. but if i did believe it, it'd be a good thing and i'd be glad he said something.

ialsohaveadream

How about this for a compromise. Why don't you wait until you're happily involved with someone new, and over the whole post-breakup depression (I feel for you, btw...my woman and I just split, too). Then, if you still feel a need to apologize to your ex, do it. My guess is that the need to apologize at that point won't be as strong.

Nija

I think you should send her this link

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dsuds

I did this way back in the day when I was in high school, so I know where you are coming from. I had recently been dumped by my GF, and this girl who I had dated earlier was friends with her. I hung around her friend to try and get back with my ex. Well, this girl still had feelings for me but my head was too stuck up my butt to realize it. I said a few "we're just friends" comments that absolutely crushed her. So much so that she didn't talk to me for years after that. Eventually I realized what an ass I was, and when the oportunity presented itself, I apologized. I'm glad I did.

That being said, let the post-breakup, old girlfriend, "I screwed up" flashbacks pass. It's natural to think about what could have been it you hadn't messed up. Leave it be for now. If you tell your ex now, it will look like you are trying to get back with her... regardless of whether you are or not.

Later, after you are dating again (someone else, not your ex) and things are swell, then tell her. It will come across much better and provide a little bridge-mending, which is always a good thing.

Ladogaboy

I am curious as to how you know what is going on in her life. Either way, though, as long as she is open to hearing from you, it will be the content of your message that is important. If you truly want to apologize, then do just that. Nothing more. Don't go off on tangents, talk about your current situation, or ask about hers.

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BigJon

"Let sleeping dogs lie."

I wouldn't mess with it. What happens if you tell her what happened and then she gets cold feet with her current fiance and does the same thing to him...how do you think he would feel?

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dsuds

Could cause a repeat of the mancboy incident.

The Happy Squirrel

eeek never thought of it that way

well then of course i did break her heart, move on get married have a kid and run back several year later

doubt she will get cold feet
but still a valid point