Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
an irish mormon? hehe....
~all witty comments have been inserted
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?
~all witty comments have been inserted
*sahkes head*
hmmm i dont get it
oh my god im a moron
<i was very tired that night>
[Edited by The Happy Squirrel on 04-09-2001 at 02:20 PM]
Lion face / lemon face!
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset you idiot
You're certainly active tonight = Is sex all you think about
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see me naked
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ....and carpeting, and wallpaper, and furniture
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm gonna ask for something expensive
How much do you love me = I did something you're not gonna like
I'll be ready in a sec = kick your shoes off and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat = Tell me I'm beautiful
You need to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening ? = Too late, you're dead meat
I'm not yelling = Yes I'm yelling because I think this is important
--------------------------
POSSIBLE ANSWERS TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = It's just that you're an *******
------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
I'm bored = do you want to have sex?
I love you = let's have sex now
I Love you too = o.k., I said it, we better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I can't tell any difference
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I'm a deep person and maybe you'd like to have sex with me
(While shopping) I like that one better = pick any stinking dress and let's go home.
~all witty comments have been inserted
fav joke of one of my ex's
two peanuts are walking down the street.....one was a salted
Am I alone here? Is that it?
Am I the only one who sees.
Maybe we can learn to be just like him.
Wear a little uniform.
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I
the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fscking yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks. What the fsck were you thinking, you fat son of a b*tch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fscking year to come out with some sh*t like this under the tree.
As if you hadn't fscked me enough, you gave that little f*ggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat *ss down my chimney next year. I'll fsck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fscking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fscking bike.
FsCK YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-
A-B*TCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
~all witty comments have been inserted
Originally posted by m0j0
FsCK YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-
A-B*TCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Is little Johnny a Philadelphia Eagles fan, by any chance?
"I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away."
"Cold silence has
A tendancy to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion."
MJK
My boss is a scottish mormon. Is that weird?Originally posted by m0j0
an irish mormon? hehe....
"I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away."
"Cold silence has
A tendancy to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion."
MJK
I've heard this one many a time (being an irish drinker), but always with the ending "I've given drinking up for Lent." Same punch tho.Originally posted by Chinpoko_Mon
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
haha the peanuts one, hahahah
heheh that santa joke is messed up man
hehehe
Lion face / lemon face!
could you explain?!Originally posted by UT Memo
haha the peanuts one, hahahah
i REALLY don't get it!
one was a salted... (asaulted)... i think thats what it means... it took a while.. but i think i got it
yea thats the joke a salted --> assaulted
Am I alone here? Is that it?
Am I the only one who sees.
Maybe we can learn to be just like him.
Wear a little uniform.
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Thank you, sir.
I like this one:
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
OMG there is this chick i know who always tells that joke
and then falls over laughing hysterically
its a hell of alot more funny to see her rolling on the ground then the joke is
Lion face / lemon face!
That tractor joke is written all over in our library here at the wonderful UCSB. Still funny though.
If all else fails blame OJ.
Puns are the lowest form of comedy... (hey i didn't come up with the saying)
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Shall we buy a new guitar?
Shall we drive a more powerful car?
What's a Yankee?
Same Thing as a Quickie but you do it yourself!
LOL!
Originally posted by topane
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
ewwe, now that's just gross
i'd rather be down the shore
OH SNAP! guess where I am?
I was living down the jersey shore before Jersey Shore.
How does anyone even watch that show???
i must say i am not impressed with the wit of this group!
"i don't get it"
i'd rather be down the shore
OH SNAP! guess where I am?
I was living down the jersey shore before Jersey Shore.
How does anyone even watch that show???
Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand. But the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.
"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."
"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed."
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled ''SURPRISE!'' My entire family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins — and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party"
show us how it's doneOriginally posted by styleee
i must say i am not impressed with the wit of this group!
"i don't get it"
~all witty comments have been inserted
A Man's Perfect Breakfast
You pour your Wheaties into the bowl and notice your son on the front of the package.
You pick up you Maxim magazine and notice your girlfriend on the cover.
You pour some milk on your cereal and notice your wife is on the back of the carton.
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit
into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power
went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone
button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she
answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the
label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
~all witty comments have been inserted
Senior Moments
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad
you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God,
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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