New periodic table. Good scientific humor.
Found this little site while looking for car stuff on google(good ole google).
New additions to the periodic table of elements
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction in which it is present. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days when it would normally occur in less than a second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist it tends to condense at certain points such as college and university campuses and government centers and can usually be found near the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Finally, scientists point out the dangers of Administratium. It is known to be toxic in large quantities and can easily destroy areas in which it is allowed to collect. It has been suggested that Administratium be confined to small doses only to prevent irreversible damage occurring.
Element name: WOMAN
Atomic weight: (donít even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ainít.
Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.