ok. I found out my dad is having an affair. help.

**thresher** · 11-20-2003, 11:42 AM

Those who have apex'd a while know I am a nice guy. I am married (11 years) and even did the whole white elephant christmas gift thing last year (Jenny, what's the scoop on this year?). I am a part of the Apex community, not just someone getting on this site for attention. I just found out by accident (parents gave me a digital camera with a memory card that had residual data) that my dad is having an affair. Not just an affair but a whole domination/sub thing (I don't know how that works) and has been doing this for years even though he has been married for 32. I am crushed. He has been a great dad and husband and very supportive, but I have all these photos and letters and here is this completely different and scary person. He calls himself "Master" (WTF???) and I am pretty freaked to say the least. Help APEX community! Give me some advice. I am seeking outside advice too, but anonymous advice is always helpful since you guys can share your experience, strength and hope.
Thanks,
Thresh

**jase71** · 11-20-2003, 11:51 AM

Does your mother know? Is this something your father is hiding from her? Or is it something she is aware of already?

I think a lot hinges on the answer to that...

**nickel** · 11-20-2003, 11:51 AM

I am sorry to hear that thresher

I would say you hafta approach your Dad about it or else it will eat you up inside.

**psycho-** · 11-20-2003, 11:53 AM

You need to confront him...not in a bad way that's antagonistic or agressive, but you need to confront with him with an attitude of love as his son

**zenbooty** · 11-20-2003, 12:16 PM

Ignorance is bliss, ain't it?

Seriously though, this is a tough one. I would say first thing is not to make any pre-judgements or presumptions until you know more. You should probably discuss this with your dad, but not until you can do it without it being a confrontation. As children we tend to place our parents on pedestals that they never really belong on. Our parents are imperfect human beings too, with their own weaknesses and vices. Its very possible your parents could have come to some sort of arrangement about this, something your father needed but your mother was unwilling to be a part of, etc. You too are an adult now, and you have to talk to your dad as an understanding adult and not as a child who's idol has fallen. That's about the only advice I can give.

**revil** · 11-20-2003, 01:48 PM

start leaving obscene messages on their answering machine. It may not solve the problem, but it'll feel great.

**ray** · 11-20-2003, 01:54 PM

I think that you should confront your dad first. If he doesn't want to talk to you, tell your mother. Just tell him that he owes it to your mom to admit his guilt in this adultery. Hopefully your father agrees and just faces the issue, instead of having his son break the news to his mother. It just wouldn't be right if you were the one telling your mom.

**zenbooty** · 11-20-2003, 02:12 PM

Originally posted by lilbigblue
I think that you should confront your dad first. If he doesn't want to talk to you, tell your mother. Just tell him that he owes it to your mom to admit his guilt in this adultery. Hopefully your father agrees and just faces the issue, instead of having his son break the news to his mother. It just wouldn't be right if you were the one telling your mom.

That is the absolute worst possible thing you can do. Blackmailing your father by saying your going to hurt your mother is no way to address the situation. You are not a cop or a judge, and to claim authority over your parents like this will only complicate the situation and bring more grief to all three of you. If indeed your mother is ignorant of this affair, what good does it really do for her to learn about it after 32 years? To be so callous and careless with information that could potentially crush her, just for the sake of your own personal satisfaction at seeing a situation addressed, is pretty shameless IMHO.

**ray** · 11-20-2003, 02:25 PM

Originally posted by zenbooty
That is the absolute worst possible thing you can do. Blackmailing your father by saying your going to hurt your mother is no way to address the situation. You are not a cop or a judge, and to claim authority over your parents like this will only complicate the situation and bring more grief to all three of you. If indeed your mother is ignorant of this affair, what good does it really do for her to learn about it after 32 years? To be so callous and careless with information that could potentially crush her, just for the sake of your own personal satisfaction at seeing a situation addressed, is pretty shameless IMHO.

Whoever said blackmail? Either way, the mother should know. If the father doesn't want to admit to his wife that he's been cheating on her after Zen has confronted him on the issue, then I think Zen should tell his mother. I never said anything about saying "dad, if you don't tell mom, I will." You are reading too far into my suggestion. Stop assuming.

"Claim authority over your parents"??? Who said anything about authority? Order of events:

1) You confront father about this.

If father admits to wife, then the family can move on.

2) If father does not admit to wife, I think you should tell her. I see it as his duty as a son to tell his mother of such things.

If your father killed someone and you found out, but your mother didn't know, should you hide it from your mother? I think not. They got married for several reasons, one of them being trust. If there is a distrust somewhere along the lines, then the marriage wasn't meant to be.

Oh yeah, and what does your father gain by not telling his wife? He will assume it's OKAY to do things like that and continue doing it.

**look_ma** · 11-20-2003, 02:58 PM

No one has mentioned this yet, and probably for good reasons but why not just let sleeping dogs lie. What good would be created in disrupting a marriage? I would confront the father and be like "Dad, I am not one to judge, but what the hell are these?"

Also you should probably see a psychiatrist or family counselor, they handle these things everyday and can help guide you more than us Apexers.

**molecularfire** · 11-20-2003, 03:05 PM

I can't believe that I'm actually saying this, but I've gotta agree with Zen on this one. Personally, for me I would rather not know especially after investing that much time with someone. For me, at that stage, it wouldn't change my course of action, it would just make me sad. Ask yourself this question... if you could go back in time and clean out that memory card properly, would you? However, the important question is this... what do you honestly think your mother would want? Is she the kind of person who would want to know or not? If not,. I'd like to suggest that you're not doing her any favors by telling her, and that it's selfish to trade her happiness (whether it fit our definition of real or not) for your own peace of mind. If she is the kind that would want to know, then you're betraying her by not telling her. My advice for what it's worth is to try to look at the world through your mother's eyes and try to figure out what she would want. JMO.

**oblongmelon** · 11-20-2003, 03:13 PM

Originally posted by look_ma
No one has mentioned this yet, and probably for good reasons but why not just let sleeping dogs lie. What good would be created in disrupting a marriage? I would confront the father and be like "Dad, I am not one to judge, but what the hell are these?"

Also you should probably see a psychiatrist or family counselor, they handle these things everyday and can help guide you more than us Apexers.

I agree..maybe it's something your parents have already discussed -and have kept under their belt for years so YOU wouldn't get all screwy..If he's been a good father-and your mother seems happy-let it go..women are notoriously famous for picking up clues that "something" else is going on..if they've been married for that long-I'd assume your mom knows and is ok with it-or is just hiding the fact very well that she knows..it's their life-leave it be. If you want to ask your dad about the pictures-don't do it accusingly..just mention that he left some stuff on the camera and see if he wants the "stuff" back. Hopefully then he'll come clean...but then again what do I know...Jesus, pay for a psychiatrist now-if you listen to every one here..you'll end up in a nuthouse wearing tutu's and drinking piss out of a shoe.

**ufcrusher** · 11-20-2003, 05:27 PM

Not to pry, but what exactly was it that you found? Was it simply pictures of your father in a BSDM situation? Or was it something more such as a "amateur" pic/vid that actually showed something other than just the BSDM. (In other words, standard BSDM is whips, chains, submission, domination, leather, nipple clamps, etc. )

The reason I ask is that some BSDM behavior is actually not sexual, but rather about control. As such, its possible that he might not be physically cheating on your mother...whether or not he is cheating in some other way is not for me to judge.

**cheapchinese** · 11-20-2003, 06:13 PM

i say ignorant is bliss, why would you want you harm your mom in this situation.

take it in, talk to your dad, he'll have the right judgement in this situation. 32 years is alot, most men wouldn't give that up. letting mom know isn't going to solve anything, but will break her heart.

**hoey222** · 11-21-2003, 03:55 AM

i think you should confront your father.....find out the truth from him. halloween was recent - who knows, there may be a logical explanation. the problem is that at theis moment it's all half truths. you do not have a DEFINITE explanation for the photos.

if there is truth to the affair... the ball i think is then in your father's court. it is up to him to tell your mother. this is now his relationship with his wife. you have discovered his secret and i would think that your knowing would push him to do the right thing.

**zenbooty** · 11-21-2003, 05:45 AM

Originally posted by lilbigblue
Whoever said blackmail? Either way, the mother should know. If the father doesn't want to admit to his wife that he's been cheating on her after Zen has confronted him on the issue, then I think Zen should tell his mother. I never said anything about saying "dad, if you don't tell mom, I will." You are reading too far into my suggestion. Stop assuming.

Fair enough. I did think what you meant was to threaten you're dad with telling your mom if he didn't. My bad there. Still doesn't make you right, though.

"Claim authority over your parents"??? Who said anything about authority?

You are saying that you would insert yourself into a situation that's really between your father and mother and doesn't involve you other than your happening upon it by chance, and forcing the issue to be resolved in a way that YOU see fit. That is trying to assert authority where you really shouldn't have any.

Order of events:

1) You confront father about this.

No, you speak to your father about it. Confrontation is bad. Putting someone you should love on the spot and trying to manipulate their actions through confrontation will only make matters more complicated and possibly tear the family apart.

If father admits to wife, then the family can move on.

2) If father does not admit to wife, I think you should tell her. I see it as his duty as a son to tell his mother of such things.

No. You're duty to your parents is to not interfere with their relationship. They've been together for 32 years, and you would jeopardize all that just so that your family will fit into your narrow view of morality. That is very selfish. That is saying, "My family and everyone in it will be or work toward what I think is right, or there will be no family."

If your father killed someone and you found out, but your mother didn't know, should you hide it from your mother? I think not.

I probably would, unless I thought my dad was going to hurt my mom. This is really a poor analogy. No one's safety is in jeopardy here.

They got married for several reasons, one of them being trust. If there is a distrust somewhere along the lines, then the marriage wasn't meant to be.

How the bloody **** do you know what they got married for? People get married for all kinds of reasons, and trust isn't always necessarily one of them. How conceited of you to take your narrow definition of what marriage is about and try and force that upon everyone, or judge them by it! You really think 32 year relationships grow on trees? Is that so worthless that you can just discard it as, "never meant to be," just on the basis of a scrap of something you found? Just because a relationship doesn't fall under your definition of perfection is no reason to go blowing it up. Most especially when its a relationship you're not apart of. Even more especially when its your parent's.

Oh yeah, and what does your father gain by not telling his wife? He will assume it's OKAY to do things like that and continue doing it.

And why are you so certain that that's not ok? And this is a pretty weak counterpoint to my previous statement, anyway. This isn't about what your father has to gain or not. Telling your mother, if indeed she is ignorant of the affair, could very well crush her after all the years she's spent in this marriage. Is that really worth it? Is honesty Soooo important that the danger of ruining the lives of people so close to you and each other is less important than unearthing the skeletons in the closet?

**topane** · 11-21-2003, 05:51 AM

Originally posted by hoey222
i think you should confront your father.....find out the truth from him. halloween was recent - who knows, there may be a logical explanation. the problem is that at theis moment it's all half truths. you do not have a DEFINITE explanation for the photos.

I dunno, photos and letters?

if there is truth to the affair... the ball i think is then in your father's court. it is up to him to tell your mother. this is now his relationship with his wife. you have discovered his secret and i would think that your knowing would push him to do the right thing.

Well said. It's not your responsibility to tell your mother, but you should make it clear to him that you know ("Hey, you left some pictures on the camera"). Hell, maybe your mom knows (wouldn't that be ****ed up?).

My father left my mother after 30 years for another woman and like you I knew before she did. I confronted him and was very nasty and angry. For the sake of your relationship with your father, try and approach him as level-headed as you can.

YGPM

**Kim** · 11-21-2003, 06:02 AM

Good luck Thresher. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

**CluelessSi** · 11-21-2003, 08:10 AM

<random thoughts> hmmm cheating on your wife is kinda a crime at least to the marriage. If you found that (someone cheating on thier wife) out and keep it a secret and let it be, wouldn't that somewhat mean you allow it, is it really just between the parents? to a certain degree it is but then again in this society in private family arguements that turns into abuse or even murder, we jump on it and throw someone in jail. Is it not just between them? Or how about pop stars and thier affairs, why do we expose them, it is not our busniess right? hmm..... wierd.....

</random thoughts>

I definetly think that the father should be confronted especially if it is bothering you. there can be an explaination and even if it is wha you think it is, it should still be brought out. It is as if we saw some crime take place but not take any action *shrug* my 2cents

**blueindian** · 11-21-2003, 11:29 AM

about the letters...where did you get those? i'd say letters may be an indication that the mother does not know. just a guess.

at either rate, zen is on the mark. talk to your dad. if he wants to tell your mom, so be it. it's not your place.

**attgig** · 11-22-2003, 08:10 AM

i kinda veer on the side of blue.

this is family. it's not like you're an acquaintence where you just kinda let people deal with their own problems, and post the pictures on the internet

.

this is family. and as a family, there are things that need to come out and be bare to the family.

People screw up. definitely. maybe your dad is hiding it. maybe it isn't. however, if it eats you up inside...you gotta talk with him. it'll suck...it'll make things weird, but have a real man to man talk with him.

start off with that.

if things get messy with the talk...you gotta do a real family meeting type thing.
if you come out of the talk with a clearer understanding of what's going on, and you trust that your dad is going in the right direction, maybe further action isn't necesary....