memo to students: DO NOT STEAL MY F*ING LAPTOP!!!!

**g222leav** · 04-20-2005, 10:55 PM

appearently some kid swiped the laptop for the upcoming exam for a biology class in berkeley...little did he know that it had more on it then he expected...poor kid, i'd be sh!tting in my pants...

linky

*real player video found in link*

"Thanks Gary. I have a message for one person in this audience - I'm sorry the rest of you have to sit through this. As you know, my computer was stolen in my last lecture. The thief apparently wanted to betray everybody's trust, and was after the exam.

The thief was smart not to plug the computer into the campus network, but the thief was not smart enough to do three things: he was not smart enough to immediately remove Windows. I installed the same version of Windows on another computer - within fifteen minutes the people in Redmond Washington were very interested to know why it was that the same version of Windows was being signalled to them from two different computers.

The thief also did not inactivate either the wireless card or the transponder that's in that computer. Within about an hour, there was a signal from various places on campus that's allowed us to track exactly where that computer went every time that it was turned on.

I'm not particularly concerned about the computer. But the thief, who thought he was only stealing an exam, is presently - we think - is probably still in possession of three kinds of data, any one of which can send this man, this young boy, actually, to federal prison. Not a good place for a young boy to be.

You are in possession of data from a hundred million dollar trial, sponsored by the NIH, for which I'm a consultant. This involves some of the largest companies on the planet, the NIH investigates these things through the FBI, they have been notified about this problem.

You are in possession of trade secrets from a Fortune 1000 biotech company, the largest one in the country, which I consult for. The Federal Trade Communication is very interested in this. Federal Marshals are the people who handle that.

You are in possession of proprietary data from a pre-public company planning an IPO. The Securities and Exchange Commission is very interested in this and I don't even know what branch of law enforcement they use.

Your academic career is about to come to an end. You are facing very serious charges, with a probability of very serious time. At this point, there's very little that anybody can do for you. One thing that you can do for yourself is to somehow prove that the integrity of the data which you possess has not been corrupted or copied.

Ironically, I am the only person on the planet that can come to your aid, because I am the only person that can tell whether the data that was on that computer are still on that computer. You will have to find a way of hoping that if you've copied anything that you can prove you only have one copy of whatever was made.

I am tied up all this afternoon; I am out of town all of next week. You have until 11:55 to return the computer, and whatever copies you've made, to my office, because I'm the only hope you've got of staying out of deeper trouble than you or any student I've ever known has ever been in.

I apologise to the rest of you for having to bring up this distasteful matter, but I will point out that we have a partial image of this person, we have two eyewitnesses, with the transponder data we're going to get this person."

man, i have a lot of professors that have all these NIH grants for research and stuff..and others own/run their own consulting firms...now i'm just scared to take notes...

**eSDee** · 04-20-2005, 11:12 PM

Time for the professor to start being responsible with his stuff, especially if it has all that crap on it like he says.

/me hides my new shiny laptop under the bed

**SolidSnake** · 04-20-2005, 11:18 PM

Man The Kid must have crapped himself!

**Memo** · 04-20-2005, 11:39 PM

I said no such thing!

**brainsmile** · 04-21-2005, 12:08 AM

Richard and Rhoda Goldman Professor of Genetics and Development

Hey I was there when these two were professors at Cal!

Marion Diamond (integrative biology) ... she's world renowned and has part of Eintstein's brain in preservation. I don't think Paola Timiras (endocrinology) is teaching there anymore.

Bottom line... don't mess with us professors.

I was a student of most of the bio profs there at Berkeley. Actually did my research under Donald Glaser http://foresight.berkeley.edu/

**DaFunkyUnit** · 04-21-2005, 12:20 AM

comes to show you how ridiculous some students get just to get a couple more points on their exams.

i hope whoever stole that laptop gets assraped by all the orgs that the prof mentioned (US marshalls, NIH, FCC, etc...)

</lynch mob>

**AmRivlin** · 04-21-2005, 01:08 AM

so what happened... is he bleeding from the rods each law enforcement agency that were inserted, or did he out smart the smarty pants?

**ShawnLee** · 04-21-2005, 01:32 AM

That's cool.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was all an elaborate bluff, nor would I be surprised if everything he said were the undeniable truth. Either way, I wouldn't try to find out.

**g222leav** · 04-21-2005, 01:37 AM

Originally Posted by ShawnLee

That's cool.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was all an elaborate bluff, nor would I be surprised if everything he said were the undeniable truth. Either way, I wouldn't try to find out.

well, assuming you did have all those types of sensitive data, i can see how all those govn't agencies can get involved. they're dealing with trade secrets all of which leads down a trail of MEGA-bucks...no doubt the agencies would be interested. look are martha stewart and all her troubles...just cause she had some "info"

**cheapchinese** · 04-21-2005, 03:43 AM

dumb student,
just take the HD out the computer, and unhook the modem, embed the hd in a external exclosure....viola
info at his/her finger tip

**BigJon** · 04-21-2005, 04:06 AM

Ummm....did they catch him yet?

**Merlin** · 04-21-2005, 05:23 AM

I think he is bluffing. And no, the SEC probably would not investigate a stolen laptop. Investment Bankers lose them/have them get stolen all the time.

**gear02** · 04-21-2005, 05:29 AM

Plus the whole thing about OS and Microsoft is BS. Microsoft doesn't care that two cdkeys are in use. Plus, it's PIRACY, not protection.

**Jeffbx** · 04-21-2005, 05:51 AM

Hahaha! It's mostly a load of BS, but maybe it'll scare the kid into giving up the machine.

**gear02** · 04-21-2005, 06:04 AM

How does he know it was a student? Most of the times when laptops are stolen at my school, it's not a student, but a city person who got in the building.

**LegendKiller** · 04-21-2005, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by Merlin

I think he is bluffing. And no, the SEC probably would not investigate a stolen laptop. Investment Bankers lose them/have them get stolen all the time.

Not to mention they couldn't give a rats ass if somebody lost data in regards to an IPO. Not like he can buy options on it if the stock isn't publicly traded. Even if it was relating to a tender offer it wouldn't matter that he had the info, if he acted on it that'd be different. No?

The company who's biotech data was on it would say its the prof's fault for being irresponsible. Dunno about NIH.

Moral of the story, don't be a flippin doof with your notebook and its data and then go and attempt to scare somebody into coughing it up using BS bluffs.

Transponder? I doubt it. Wifi, easy to track.

**ialsohaveadream** · 04-21-2005, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by Jeffbx

Hahaha! It's mostly a load of BS, but maybe it'll scare the kid into giving up the machine.

Yeah, I'm going with bluff on this one, too.

**le_stick** · 04-21-2005, 07:50 AM

It must be a bluff and not a good one at that.
The professor must be really desperate for his laptop to try such tactic.
If the laptop does indeed has all of those sensitive material, it wouldn't be on his desk and in the lecture room/hall. It must be kept in a vault or something like that. He did not practice security protocol. However, if the the thief really believe all the things that the professor said then he deserves to be somebody else biatch. IMHO, he probably just have some child porn in his laptop.....that's just my 2 cents

**AmRivlin** · 04-21-2005, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by le_stick

It must be a bluff and not a good one at that.
The professor must be really desperate for his laptop to try such tactic.
If the laptop does indeed has all of those sensitive material, it wouldn't be on his desk and in the lecture room/hall. It must be kept in a vault or something like that. He did not practice security protocol. However, if the the thief really believe all the things that the professor said then he deserves to be somebody else biatch. IMHO, he probably just have some child porn in his laptop.....that's just my 2 cents

GREAT POINT, you could hear the panic in his voice, and whomever blabbers on like that is really desperate. If he did want his laptop back, and intact, perhaps a "I am offering ExtraCredit for whoever returns my Emachines laptop, by the end of the day." ... More authentic would be, "No questions asked, please leave the laptop at the deans office by 5pm today..."

Seriously tho the porn thing is highly probable... I am pretty sure any personal computer used by any male will have seen some form of porn, he probably was wanting to hide something, who else stores all that bloody research on a laptop that could be stolen in an airport much less on the counter of a lab. Me thinks both sides learned a lesson.

But this moaning and groaning and tracking mumbo jumbo... That being said, even tho I knew he was BSing I prob would have freaked and returned it...

**kimchicowboy** · 04-21-2005, 08:12 AM

funny if that student was reading this thread... heheh

**bachviet** · 04-21-2005, 08:18 AM

It wasn't me!

I'm with all above posts that it's a scare tactic.

/me put a transponder in my new 700m.

**LegendKiller** · 04-21-2005, 08:18 AM

Professors and pr0n. There was a guy at the UofM named Pervo (not kidding) caught with child porn on his machine.

**BrewMaster** · 04-21-2005, 08:18 AM

this professor is a moron for making that speech. one, we all know it is a bluff. two, if you have that kind of supposedly sensitive data, you might want to take security precautions by using password protections and other security measures. what a dumbsh*t.

**angl2b** · 04-21-2005, 08:20 AM

Lol Lol Lol

**Merlin** · 04-21-2005, 08:29 AM

The bluff was a nice idea but he went way too over the top with it. Sometimes less is more.

**ShawnLee** · 04-21-2005, 09:05 AM

Originally Posted by LegendKiller

Professors and pr0n. There was a guy at the UofM named Pervo (not kidding) caught with child porn on his machine.

That's bad. I had a prof named Richard Groper, but nothing wrong with him, cool guy. He made fun of himself because he was running for office in LA with a name like "Dick Groper" and he knew fully well that it was problematic.

**TofuNinja** · 04-21-2005, 09:24 AM

well the student is an idiot for stealing a laptop.... the prof is an idiot for bluffing or going over the top or... if everything he says is true.... losing that trusted info... everyone in this story loses.

well except us.... we get to laugh