as if i needed further proof that my ex is an asshat...

[welfareloser]

this... is SOOO special... that i had to share.

'kay. so i have to drop eg off for visitation with the biological. luckily, the guy only picks him up about once a month, for one overnight... and apparently, half the time my ex's gf takes eg with her to some friend's house in chicago, while the biological stays behind to "work" (while it's ridiculous that he lies and makes me drop eg off anyway when he's not even going to see the kid, when it comes down to it, i'd rather eg be with the gf than the ex, as eg really likes her and it seems from all reports that she is very responsible... unlike her bf...)

so. eg hops out of the bath tonight and comes running naked and dripping to tell me, "guess what mom! i forgot to tell you! shane's porch caught on fire!"

mmmmmkay. so, i stay calm, don't really need to ask any leading questions, just act interested and he'll keep running his mouth...

"yeah! we were playing on kristy's computer, and then, do you know what kristy says when the porch is on fire?"

what?

"OH MY GAWD THE PORCH IS ON FIRE! she shouts it!"

so what did she do then?

"well, she went to get a bowl of water to throw on the fire, but it wasn't enough water, so she ran around the house some more, and then she got shane, and they went to look at the fire and try to put it out."

and what were you doing?

"i was looking at the fire!"

where were you?

"on the porch!"

you were on the porch?

"yeah! and then i went outside."

did someone go with you?

"no, i just went by myself."

did they call the fire department?

"no, they just used the hose. and now there's a big hole in the porch!"

anyway. long story short... i ask if the hole is "this big" (showing him a span of about a foot) and he says no, more like this... adjusts to about 2-1/2 ft across. it isn't near the walls (as a wiring fire would probably be). they didn't call the fire department, they didn't call ANYONE, and they don't know how it started. i asked if it was a barbecue grill, but eg said they didn't have one on the porch, they weren't grilling, and they don't know how it started.

so my kid goes to an unsafe old house (i believe they own, rather than rent, so no landlord is going to make sure it gets taken care of properly. i'll be surprised if the hole in the porch even gets fixed), where nobody bothers to find out how a fire started, nobody bothers to get him OUT of the house or pay attention to where he is at all... and i can't do a g**damned thing about it. all i can do is write it down like i do all the stupid sh** the guy does, so i have a record of it should it ever reach a critical mass of stupidity to where the law would actually help me DO something about it.

i think i'm going to start putting a smoke detector in eg's overnight bag, since i doubt there are any in that house. stupid, but then again, it can't f***ing hurt.





yep. can't move too far away from that guy. nor soon enough.

[BigJon]

You're right....what an asshat.

[doolittle]

was talking to my 6 year old nephew today, he told me he dident feel safe at all when he is visiting his bio donner he said he takes him to the beach and barely watches him at all, sometimes he cant even find him. honestly i dont know why my sister even lets him go over there, the guy is a real a$$. I guess she has 2.

next time your kid visits send him with a fire extinguisher, small home versions are cheap at wallmart. I wonder what the gas and electric company or their home insurance would think or do about it, prolly nothing(maybe you could send them a letter posing as concerned electrician). you can only keep your kids safe when your with them, since its his kid also you would think he would feel the same way. maybe if your lucky he will start a new family and forget about yours, moving far away may expedite that.


(wierd i posted this here and it ended up in the Willbanks thread???)

[Merlin]

Something caught fire and the guy delt with it. So what's the big deal? Maybe he does know what happened and just didn't give all the details to the child. I understand that you are frustrated that there was drama involving your child but remember thar a child's perspective may not be the most accurate/reliable.

[welfareloser]

eg is accurate and reliable... and i do understand that they may know what started it, and i know not every fire needs the fire department to put it out. my concern is that nobody was watching teh five year old who went out to check the fire...

and please remember i lived with this guy for 8 years. he did enough dumb stuff that i did watch firsthand. i didn't have to see this incident. i get the idea.

i remember an argument we had when eg was 15 months old and wanted to go touch a flaming barbecue grill --- an old rickety one that was on even ground. i grab the kid and tell him no, hot. my ex gave me a bunch of crap about stopping him; apparently, touching a grill with an open palm and potentially dumping it over on his head would have been a good learning experience.

i'm not making this up, unfortunately.

it would be funny to send eg with a fire extinguisher. on a serious note, i guess it is time to give him lessons in how to use one, the same way i had to teach him to wash his own cuts when he was 3 (since the ex didn't, and they would get infected... and i'd tell him to wash cuts, please, and he wouldn't...) and to buckle his own seatbelt... and to refuse to get in a car if the carseat wasn't in it... and to refuse to get in a boat without sunscreen and a life vest (if i sound like a pussy, you have no idea how badly a toddler can get sunburnt... and he can't swim) and to not take adult medicine that the asshat tries to give him...

damn. teaching him how to discharge a fire extinguisher is really going to be testing the limits of his responsible-ness "hey mom... you sure there are no fires to put out? okay.... how about now? okay.... hey, i'm sure i see a fire over there-" *PPPPFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHTT!!!*

[Mommypooh]

well if it was 20 years ago you could easily have kept him away from the asshat. my mom did it with the courts say so. I don't understand why the courts think kids need both their real parents regardless of the fact of negligents, and stupidity. I grew up without my father, but I have my dad.

[navyones]

well if it was 20 years ago you could easily have kept him away from the asshat. my mom did it with the courts say so. I don't understand why the courts think kids need both their real parents regardless of the fact of negligents, and stupidity. I grew up without my father, but I have my dad.

I can't believe that there are still closed minded women out there thinking they are the perfect parents. Women have manipulated the legal system in the U.S. and other countries for far too long.

Anyone, who has spent a day in Family Courts, knows that males go there at their own risk. The judges are biased, the experts are biased, and the child welfare personnel are biased. Yet, there are women out there; who think this is fair? Get real!

If there is actually proven abuse, then there should be no visitation by the offending party. If the abuse is only being perceived by the other parent, then the other should have full access to the child.

[Jenny]

Who said anything in this thread about being a perfect parent? Mommypooh & welfareloser are both speaking of personal stories, not of men in general. Mommypooh's comment about the courts said both their real PARENTS, regardless of the etc etc. She did not specify men/fathers.

I think you really owe them both an apology for coming off like a jackass in wl's thread.

[Mommypooh]

yes mine was negelect and stpidity on my fathers part. he was an idiot who would smoke pot when I was in the same room, as well as he was a mean drunk who was abusive at times to my mom. when I was with him he would forget to feed me and change me. so I think that was a good call to not let him in my life,

I think in welfarelosers case it is getting to be neglect and something should be done at least supervised visits if they won't take them all away.

i never said I was perfect, but in some cases the mother is the only fit parent, not perect. There are also cases where the father is the only fit parent. I have seen that first hand.

[navyones]

[QUOTE=Mommypooh]I don't understand why the courts think kids need both their real parents regardless of the fact of negligents, and stupidity. QUOTE]

I actually had no problem with WL. I get tired of self-righteous people thinking that they have the inside track on raising children. No apology will be forthcoming.

[Mommypooh]

I did not say every father but there are some who do not need to be part of their childrens lives. I am sorry you took offense to what I said I guess I was not clear.

[nickel]

bottom line: it's too bad the child is the one who suffers in these cases. a child needs both parents.

[navyones]

I did not say every father but there are some who do not need to be part of their childrens lives. I am sorry you took offense to what I said I guess I was not clear.

I apologize, Mommypooh. It is a tough issue for me. I had an ex, who did some pretty mean crap.

I agree with you and W/L that a father, who puts his children in danger should have no right to those kids.

I have just seen both sides of the coin. Lately, there have many high-profile cases involving women killing their children. The point is that abuse and sickness are not limited by gender.

W/L; if you felt the comments were directed at you, please forgive me. I was simply responding to the response. I don't know what I would do in your situation, and it sounds like you are handling it in a very mature manner.

[cheapchinese]

i really don't get it, when one bio parent want the full visitation rights if they don't really "care" for the child. Whats the benefit of it? Btw, if they have full visitation right can they claim the child as dependent on their income tax?

[INeedAVacation]

Something caught fire and the guy delt with it. So what's the big deal? Maybe he does know what happened and just didn't give all the details to the child. I understand that you are frustrated that there was drama involving your child but remember thar a child's perspective may not be the most accurate/reliable.

In general, I agree. They went in the house to get some water whichh is when your son went to look at the fire (not jump in). I'm sure you have had a fire (i.e. at the beach) and your attention was directed elsewhere for more than 20 seconds while your son was in the area and I wouldn't accuse you of neglecting your child. It really does sound to me as though you have this juicy story which all your friends will think is just awful of your ex husband and will completely support you (this is because they are your friends and want to support you). By the time they could have called the fire department, the fire may have gotten too big for them to put out, instead of wasting time calling they choose to put it out themselves which is much faster than the fire department could have. If I agreed with you, which I don't, I'd have to agree that if your porch was on fire you are a bad mother.

[welfareloser]

yes mine was negelect and stpidity on my fathers part. he was an idiot who would smoke pot when I was in the same room, .

check!

as well as he was a mean drunk.

check!

who was abusive at times to my mom..

check!

when I was with him he would forget to feed me and change me.

check!

damn... are we talking about the same guy?!?!?!?

yeah... i mean, i know it's inevitable that i sound like every other pissed off ex wife on the planet, but i'd like to believe i'm pretty laid-back... i don't complain that he doesn't get bathed, or eats junk food, or stays up late... whatever! for one or two days a month, it's not going to kill him.

i get upset when the two year old came home multiple times at 4 pm and hadn't eaten yet, was so hungry he was crying... when he came home with cat scratches because my ex felt he needed to "learn a lesson" about how to treat cats... when he got a new bike at 4 ... to ride in the street... unattended... with no helmet. *sigh* i just wish he was a reasonable person, so i could say hey, not cool, please change this, and he'd say, oh, okay. i just get eyerolling and screaming. he comes home with his face smashed in and i get told he "ran into a wall." i take him to the emergency room, because the guy of course didn't take the kid to a doctor - or even clean the blood off his face, so it's now caked and clumped everywhere... the kid can't breathe through his nose... and that's how i find out the guy hadn't paid eg's health insurance.

i worry about the fire... he smokes. he drinks. if this is what happens when he smokes and drinks in midafternoon, i'm terrified at the thought the house will go up in flames when he passes out at 2 am some night. maybe this little fire was a good thing that will make him realize he needs to be more careful.

then again, my mom's theory is that his meth lab exploded

snip

don't worry. i understand where you're coming from. it's horrendous the way men get treated in the family courts. basically, unless the woman comes to court half naked, high, and smelling like urine, she's going to get full custody. and it's a shame.

i really don't get it, when one bio parent want the full visitation rights if they don't really "care" for the child. Whats the benefit of it? Btw, if they have full visitation right can they claim the child as dependent on their income tax?

in this case, i think he takes the kid to get sympathy from others... look at me, poor divorced dad, doing the best i can. eg is really entertaining, and i think the guy likes to show him off at parties with his friends... bright, happy kid relflects well on him. and because of his parents, so they don't look down on him for "abandoning" "his" child to "that flake." (they're extremely judgemental and controlling... their love is 100% conditional, as evidenced by the way they treated him when he married me...) i told him during the divorce that if he didn't want to pay child support, all he had to do was sign away the parental rights he didn't want anyway, let the guy eg calls dad adopt him officially, and i'd still allow visitation. he was going to do it, then backed out. of course, still didn't apy child support. finally tok him back to court for child support ... $1500 in lawyer's fees later, i got an order for child support. that was two months ago. still waiting on that first check

and, legally, the parent who provides over 50% of the child's financial support gets to claim the child on taxes; the other parent can do it IF they get a signed agreement from the first parent saying it's okay; they can also alternate years, again by written agreement.

though i know for a fact that this dipwad has been claiming eg on his taxes anyway, even though i carefull explained that he could not you know... the irs may be slow, but when they catch up to you, i hear it's a real nightmare...

In general, I agree. They went in the house to get some water whichh is when your son went to look at the fire (not jump in). I'm sure you have had a fire (i.e. at the beach) and your attention was directed elsewhere for more than 20 seconds while your son was in the area and I wouldn't accuse you of neglecting your child. It really does sound to me as though you have this juicy story which all your friends will think is just awful of your ex husband and will completely support you (this is because they are your friends and want to support you). By the time they could have called the fire department, the fire may have gotten too big for them to put out, instead of wasting time calling they choose to put it out themselves which is much faster than the fire department could have. If I agreed with you, which I don't, I'd have to agree that if your porch was on fire you are a bad mother.

again, i don't care that they chose to put it out themselves. kid, house, fire. you get the kid the f*** out of the house and away from the fire. first priority. simple.

agreeing with me would not be "bad mommy for letting porch fire happen." nice try, tho.

and f*** you for calling it a juicy story. i don't spend a hell of a lot of time bitching about the guy. i told my mom and my husband. i posted it here because i needed to write it out anyway, and it is kinda funny and interesting too. i'd love to forget about him. i'm upset that nobdoy even knew where the f*** eg was for 20 minutes. they had to go looking for him after they took care of the fire. he was across the street. maybe when you have kids you'll have a f***ing clue that that's not really okay.

[INeedAVacation]

eg is accurate and reliable... and i do understand that they may know what started it, and i know not every fire needs the fire department to put it out. my concern is that nobody was watching teh five year old who went out to check the fire...

and please remember i lived with this guy for 8 years. he did enough dumb stuff that i did watch firsthand. i didn't have to see this incident. i get the idea.

i remember an argument we had when eg was 15 months old and wanted to go touch a flaming barbecue grill --- an old rickety one that was on even ground. i grab the kid and tell him no, hot. my ex gave me a bunch of crap about stopping him; apparently, touching a grill with an open palm and potentially dumping it over on his head would have been a good learning experience.

i'm not making this up, unfortunately.

it would be funny to send eg with a fire extinguisher. on a serious note, i guess it is time to give him lessons in how to use one, the same way i had to teach him to wash his own cuts when he was 3 (since the ex didn't, and they would get infected... and i'd tell him to wash cuts, please, and he wouldn't...) and to buckle his own seatbelt... and to refuse to get in a car if the carseat wasn't in it... and to refuse to get in a boat without sunscreen and a life vest (if i sound like a pussy, you have no idea how badly a toddler can get sunburnt... and he can't swim) and to not take adult medicine that the asshat tries to give him...

damn. teaching him how to discharge a fire extinguisher is really going to be testing the limits of his responsible-ness "hey mom... you sure there are no fires to put out? okay.... how about now? okay.... hey, i'm sure i see a fire over there-" *PPPPFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHTT!!!*

So the man you call an, "asshat" is the same one you knew for at least 3 years (I assume you knew him a little longer than that prior to your "liv[ing] with him") is the same many that you still (after knowing him) choose to have a child with? If your ex bf/husband is really as bad as you make him sound I'd say you must desreve some kind of special award for your actions.

[welfareloser]

So the man you call an, "asshat" is the same one you knew for at least 3 years (I assume you knew him a little longer than that prior to your "liv[ing] with him") is the same many that you still (after knowing him) choose to have a child with? If your ex bf/husband is really as bad as you make him sound I'd say you must desreve some kind of special award for your actions.

"make him sound." f*** you again. i gave you some facts. those facts lead me to call him an asshat. you're free to develop your own opinion based on the facts above. you disagree, good for you. go bitch about me behind my back, please.

i knew him for a lot of years. he got more and more depressed and alcoholic. he changed. he wouldn't change back. so sorry i'm such an idiot i didn't see it coming. oh, and f*** you.

[INeedAVacation]

check!



check!



check!



check!

damn... are we talking about the same guy?!?!?!?

yeah... i mean, i know it's inevitable that i sound like every other pissed off ex wife on the planet, but i'd like to believe i'm pretty laid-back... i don't complain that he doesn't get bathed, or eats junk food, or stays up late... whatever! for one or two days a month, it's not going to kill him.

i get upset when the two year old came home multiple times at 4 pm and hadn't eaten yet, was so hungry he was crying... when he came home with cat scratches because my ex felt he needed to "learn a lesson" about how to treat cats... when he got a new bike at 4 ... to ride in the street... unattended... with no helmet. *sigh* i just wish he was a reasonable person, so i could say hey, not cool, please change this, and he'd say, oh, okay. i just get eyerolling and screaming. he comes home with his face smashed in and i get told he "ran into a wall." i take him to the emergency room, because the guy of course didn't take the kid to a doctor - or even clean the blood off his face, so it's now caked and clumped everywhere... the kid can't breathe through his nose... and that's how i find out the guy hadn't paid eg's health insurance.

i worry about the fire... he smokes. he drinks. if this is what happens when he smokes and drinks in midafternoon, i'm terrified at the thought the house will go up in flames when he passes out at 2 am some night. maybe this little fire was a good thing that will make him realize he needs to be more careful.

then again, my mom's theory is that his meth lab exploded



don't worry. i understand where you're coming from. it's horrendous the way men get treated in the family courts. basically, unless the woman comes to court half naked, high, and smelling like urine, she's going to get full custody. and it's a shame.



in this case, i think he takes the kid to get sympathy from others... look at me, poor divorced dad, doing the best i can. eg is really entertaining, and i think the guy likes to show him off at parties with his friends... bright, happy kid relflects well on him. and because of his parents, so they don't look down on him for "abandoning" "his" child to "that flake." (they're extremely judgemental and controlling... their love is 100% conditional, as evidenced by the way they treated him when he married me...) i told him during the divorce that if he didn't want to pay child support, all he had to do was sign away the parental rights he didn't want anyway, let the guy eg calls dad adopt him officially, and i'd still allow visitation. he was going to do it, then backed out. of course, still didn't apy child support. finally tok him back to court for child support ... $1500 in lawyer's fees later, i got an order for child support. that was two months ago. still waiting on that first check

and, legally, the parent who provides over 50% of the child's financial support gets to claim the child on taxes; the other parent can do it IF they get a signed agreement from the first parent saying it's okay; they can also alternate years, again by written agreement.

though i know for a fact that this dipwad has been claiming eg on his taxes anyway, even though i carefull explained that he could not you know... the irs may be slow, but when they catch up to you, i hear it's a real nightmare...



again, i don't care that they chose to put it out themselves. kid, house, fire. you get the kid the f*** out of the house and away from the fire. first priority. simple.

agreeing with me would not be "bad mommy for letting porch fire happen." nice try, tho.

and f*** you for calling it a juicy story. i don't spend a hell of a lot of time bitching about the guy. i told my mom and my husband. i posted it here because i needed to write it out anyway, and it is kinda funny and interesting too. i'd love to forget about him. i'm upset that nobdoy even knew where the f*** eg was for 20 minutes. they had to go looking for him after they took care of the fire. he was across the street. maybe when you have kids you'll have a f***ing clue that that's not really okay.

First, I think it's very inappropriate of you to tell me, "f*** you" after I've provided my opinion in the public forum on a subject you initiated. Second, I'm not a big betting man but, I'd bet you do spend a lot of time, "bitching about the guy", you know, the one you have nicknamed "asshat". You said this:

i'd rather eg be with the gf than the ex, as eg really likes her and it seems from all reports that she is very responsible

and in the same post your opinion completely changes to contradict how responsible you think she is. Now you say your son was lost for 20 minutes and was across the street and you state that your son is very accurate. Who timed him as being lost for 20 minutes, how did he end up across the street when you said he was standing on the porch watching them put out the fire? Five year olds are very accurate for understanding and describing things from a 5 year old perspective-I'm not saying he is lying or wrong, I'm explaining he has a different viewpoint than someone your age.....or at least he's supposed to.

[welfareloser]

and i'm explaining that i know what my kid is and is not accurate with. he is wildly inaccurate with plenty of things. size and time, he's a godd***ed machine.

20 minutes was my estimate. i didn't ask.

your "opinion" is that i suck for bitching, and i suck for having a kid with i guy i now call asshat, and that i'm lying about not spending much time bitching about him. i have an opinion about those opinions. it's f*** you.

and now you're going to pick apart my opinion of my ex's gf? just stop, okay? she brushes the kid's teeth, plays games with him, and takes care of him when my ex won't. she's nice to him. he likes her. is that okay? she didn't get the kid safely out of the house when there was a fire; she didn't even know where he was. i think that's terrifying. is that okay?

[INeedAVacation]

"make him sound." f*** you again. i gave you some facts. those facts lead me to call him an asshat. you're free to develop your own opinion based on the facts above. you disagree, good for you. go bitch about me behind my back, please.

i knew him for a lot of years. he got more and more depressed and alcoholic. he changed. he wouldn't change back. so sorry i'm such an idiot i didn't see it coming. oh, and f*** you.

I don't believe that for the first 3+ years you knew him he was great and then, after you had a child with him he completely changed into an, "asshat". You're calling yourself an idiot for not seeing it coming, I think whatever it was was there all along. I'm sure he does have his problems but your skillset in constructive conversation wouldn't appear to be very helpful to the situation. I gave you my opinion, which does not agree with yours, on a subject you posted for everyone to read and everyone to relpy on, and you've attempted to put me down by telling to to, "f*** you" at least three times. I recommend anger management classes.

[cheapie]

and i got a TO for calling someone annoying.

[Merlin]

....and f*** you for calling it a juicy story....

Why? It sounds like a pretty juicy story to me. And what's wrong with that?

[Jenny]

I don't believe that for the first 3+ years you knew him he was great and then, after you had a child with him he completely changed into an, "asshat". You're calling yourself an idiot for not seeing it coming, I think whatever it was was there all along.

Why on earth would you think that? There are PLENTY of people who start off one way and start drinking more and more and turn into druken *******s. If you don't know her or the guy or the situation, should you really be judging like that? Come on...

[INeedAVacation]

and i'm explaining that i know what my kid is and is not accurate with. he is wildly inaccurate with plenty of things. size and time, he's a godd***ed machine.

20 minutes was my estimate. i didn't ask.

your "opinion" is that i suck for bitching, and i suck for having a kid with i guy i now call asshat, and that i'm lying about not spending much time bitching about him. i have an opinion about those opinions. it's f*** you.

and now you're going to pick apart my opinion of my ex's gf? just stop, okay? she brushes the kid's teeth, plays games with him, and takes care of him when my ex won't. she's nice to him. he likes her. is that okay? she didn't get the kid safely out of the house when there was a fire; she didn't even know where he was. i think that's terrifying. is that okay?

I believe you just contradicted yourself...again. You're now admitting your son is, "wildly inaccurate with plenty of things" but prior to that you said

eg is accurate and reliable

.

Also, your estimate is 20 minutes; that's interesting because I didn't realize you were there.

Next, I never called you any names or used the word, "suck". I do, though, disagree.

Lastly, yes, it is ok that you think the incident involving your son is terrifying, you're suppose to, your his mom.

[BrewMaster]

it's sad that in discussing a 5 year old you're acting like a 5 year old.

[Got Apex Moderator]

This thread turned ugly quickly. Control your tempers people. welfareloser, watch the language. INeed, your posts were full of flame-baiting which set her off. Because of these, you both get a cool-off period. After conferring with the head honchos, it was decided that both timeouts are a week. This is not the first time you both have participated in this sort of behavior. Please use the time to think about putting the other on ignore if you have to. Come back with a fresh attitude and all will be right with the world.

--Got Apex Moderator